Author Topic: "It's such a shame your baby isn't a boy"  (Read 16142 times)

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DistantStar

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Re: "It's such a shame your baby isn't a boy"
« Reply #45 on: October 13, 2012, 03:58:33 PM »
POD. I don't have children, but if I did, anyone who expressed disappointment about the gender would be having a deeply unpleasant conversation with me, on the spot.

I don't have children either but I know how I'd react.  And if such comments continued, it'd be Cut Direct time.  There is a difference between hoping for a boy but being happy with the beautiful new girl, and expressing to a child that she is a girl and that is somehow a disappointing thing.  Nobody would get away with that with a daughter of mine.

Heck, I managed to be disappointed for only about thirty seconds when my hoped-for baby sister turned out to be my baby brother that morning when I got the call reporting all was well, and I was barely eight.  I would hope Grandma, or whoever, would be able to do the same thing -- or at least keep quiet about it.

And congratulations to all with new ones!   :)

ClaireC79

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Re: "It's such a shame your baby isn't a boy"
« Reply #46 on: October 13, 2012, 04:00:42 PM »
I actually remember one MOTHER saying as soon as her son was born 'another ***** boy' as she fished him out of the water and held him - 15 seconds later she was horrifed they were her first words to her son, doesn't mean she loves him any less

jane7166

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Re: "It's such a shame your baby isn't a boy"
« Reply #47 on: October 13, 2012, 04:18:34 PM »
I grew up in an extended family where boys were much more prized than girls.  Funny how that  tendency changes when it's the girls who do all the dirty work for the aged son-lovers. 

However, the hurt is permanent.  I would make sure Grandma is told that her time with this grandchild will be limited if she keeps spouting those gender preferences. 

I don't know why some people think every thought that they have needs to be spoken. 

gramma dishes

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Re: "It's such a shame your baby isn't a boy"
« Reply #48 on: October 13, 2012, 04:26:42 PM »

...   I don't know why some people think every thought that they have needs to be spoken.

I don't know why some people even have such thoughts!!   :-\

Iris

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Re: "It's such a shame your baby isn't a boy"
« Reply #49 on: October 13, 2012, 06:32:59 PM »

...   I don't know why some people think every thought that they have needs to be spoken.

I don't know why some people even have such thoughts!!   :-\

I don't know, my mother has 5 granddaughters and no prospect of any grandsons. One day she did say wistfully "A grandson would have been nice..." I looked at her, and she laughed and said "I know that came out badly, I love the girls, I do. But it would have been nice to have ONE boy..." I just told her that she better keep that thought to ME, her daughter, and not share it with DILs or she'd be risking family harmony.

I did know what she meant though. NOT that she'd change any of her granddaughters, NOT that she thought boys were better, NOT that she thought girls were less good. Simply that she would have liked it if as well as her lovely granddaughters that she loves there had also been a grandson to love.

I'm not as harsh on the Grandma in the OP as others, I guess, because I don't think it's inherently wrong to want a baby to be a particular gender. I really wanted DD1 to be a girl (lucky!) - I couldn't even tell you why, I just did. Would I have loved DS1, had he eventuated? Sure would have. But I may have had some fleeting disappointment in the first few days and I don't think that would make me a monster. Grandma said "and now all you need is a brother" to baby, NOT "if only you were a boy". I would shut her down, but I'd do it as nicely as possible and I really don't think it is cause for the cut direct unless it goes a lot further than it has so far.
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SPuck

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Re: "It's such a shame your baby isn't a boy"
« Reply #50 on: October 13, 2012, 10:04:54 PM »
I think this situation is different from some of the slip of the tongues people have mentioned (even though some are admittedly outrageous) because the grandmother has mentioned the boy thing three times already. I think if she says something a fourth time the OP should say something. Being old and saying innocent ignorant stuff does not give a person a free pass to say stuff.

Firecat

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Re: "It's such a shame your baby isn't a boy"
« Reply #51 on: October 13, 2012, 11:08:50 PM »
Granma is not going to scar your child by making a comment like this.  Just tell your child the same things that others have been trying to tell you: "she doesn't mean it in a bad way, hers is a different generation, don't let it get to you."

You can tell her, of course, that you are offended by the comment and to please not voice around you, but schooling Granma on modern thought is not likely to do any good.

I disagree completely. Grandma can continue to be a misogynist if she wants to...but she can also be trained to keep her mouth shut around the OP and her daughter.

Granma is not a dog to be trained.  You can request that someone  not voice certain things around you.  If they refuse you can take your leave of them.  But adults do not train each other.

Sure they do. Just recently at work, I trained a new temporary person on some of her duties. I've trained new coworkers in most of the jobs I've held over the years.

And in a way it would be training Grandma...when Grandma doesn't say hateful things (and I do consider those comments to be misogynist, and therefore hateful), Grandma gets time with the OP, the OP's DH, and their daughter. If Grandma says hateful things, she doesn't get that time. Maybe training is the wrong word...but it is, in a sense, encouraging Grandma to modify her behavior.

Grandma still gets to make the choice, of course - she can certainly continue to express her "boys are better" ideas if she wishes. She just wouldn't get to make the choice of continuing to make the comments and spending time with the baby. The OP can't force Grandma to change her views...if Grandma really believes boys are better, there's nothing the OP can do about that. But the OP can remove her daughter if Grandma expresses those sentiments. If Grandma wants to spend time with the baby, that would mean Grandma's behavior on this topic changes.   

Not everyone may consider the comments to be hateful, and Grandma probably doesn't have hateful intent. But she is essentially saying that boys are better. The OP's daughter is going to get the message that boys are better in lots of other places...she doesn't need it from people who are supposed to love her.

CakeEater

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Re: "It's such a shame your baby isn't a boy"
« Reply #52 on: October 14, 2012, 01:54:06 AM »
The fact that it's great-grandma here makes it less bad for me. Firstly, because I think the generational thing does come into play here. In her day, attitudes were different, and the inability to change them isn't evidence of a lack of love. My grandmother, who is probably the same age, always gave boys/men in our family better cuts of meat. That's just how she grew up. In lots of other ways, she showed me that she loved me, so I didn't let it scar me.

Secondly, how many of us really remember our great-grandparents very well? How many of us are shaped by their attitudes toward us. If it was grandma, it might be more important to make a stand here, but unless GG is relatively young, DD is unlikely to ever remember anything she ever said.


Shopaholic

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Re: "It's such a shame your baby isn't a boy"
« Reply #53 on: October 14, 2012, 02:41:29 AM »
"Aww, I'm sure your grandmother said the same thing when you were born!"
 >:D
OK, all evil aside I'd ignore her for the time being. If she continued, then I'd tell her that every child is a blessing, and that you are thrilled with your newborn.

As you should be.
Congratulations!

fountainof

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Re: "It's such a shame your baby isn't a boy"
« Reply #54 on: October 14, 2012, 10:34:31 AM »
I think the problem I have with this grandmother is that she said the boy sentiment more than once and she does have other grandsons.  To hope there are both boys and girls in the family is fine, to say in effect while holding a newborn girl that the next thing she needs is a brother is offensive. 

I personally wouldn't put up with it regardless of GGMs place in the family but I am like that.  Even in my husband's family who would have been more tradional he would have told his GM to "knock off the boy BS" if she dared say something so offensive.  I don't care about how you grew up or what was tradional you cannot go around and be offensive just because you are old and the world was different.  I wouldn't support any family member saying the N word and I wouldn't support someone saying directly to my face essentially "hopefully the next one will be a boy".

Syrse

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Re: "It's such a shame your baby isn't a boy"
« Reply #55 on: October 14, 2012, 10:57:20 AM »
OP here.

Thanks for all your wishes and views  :)

The first time she said it she did hastily correct herself by saying a girl would be just as welcome.
But she wants a great-grandchild with the family name, and that's basically it. She loves all of her great-grandchildren, but for some reason she's just very hung up on the continuation of the line.
So in retrospect, it's not as much a 'I wish it was a boy', as a 'I wish there was a boy'.

She called up my DH since the hospital a couple of times, to ask how we all were doing. All in all she's very enthusiastic. So I think I'll let the previous comment slide as a slip of the tongue, but if she ever repeats it in front of my child, I might use one of the suggested quotes to gently tell her off.
And if she starts about a brother I'll point her in the direction of the other two nephews  ;) I'm not about to start the second one so soon.

It also might be I'm taking it a bit too personal: I was supposed to be a boy myself  ;) But I came out a girl, so that meant my parents had to have another kid. I'm not exactly sure what the backup plan was if my brother turned out to be a girl as well. So I actually did grow up with the feel that I wasn't good enough. It's not a happy feeling, and I'd rather save my daughter from it.

But some posters make a very valid point; DH's grandmother is 87. The odds of my girl picking up on those few slips are not that big. It might not be a hill to die on.
« Last Edit: October 14, 2012, 11:13:42 AM by Syrse »

strawbabies

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Re: "It's such a shame your baby isn't a boy"
« Reply #56 on: October 14, 2012, 06:14:37 PM »
My dad was the only one of three boys in his family to have children.  My parents had the opposite problem, though.  My grandmother apparently wanted the family line to end.  How do I know?  When my parents told her they were pregnant with me, her response was, "If it's a boy, I hope it dies."   :'(  My male cousin was her favorite grandchild, so I guess she was ok with her daughters having boys.

Why they didn't give her the cut direct, I have no idea.
« Last Edit: October 14, 2012, 06:16:58 PM by strawbabies »

Hmmmmm

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Re: "It's such a shame your baby isn't a boy"
« Reply #57 on: October 14, 2012, 06:21:41 PM »
OP here.

Thanks for all your wishes and views  :)

The first time she said it she did hastily correct herself by saying a girl would be just as welcome.
But she wants a great-grandchild with the family name, and that's basically it. She loves all of her great-grandchildren, but for some reason she's just very hung up on the continuation of the line.
So in retrospect, it's not as much a 'I wish it was a boy', as a 'I wish there was a boy'.

She called up my DH since the hospital a couple of times, to ask how we all were doing. All in all she's very enthusiastic. So I think I'll let the previous comment slide as a slip of the tongue, but if she ever repeats it in front of my child, I might use one of the suggested quotes to gently tell her off.
And if she starts about a brother I'll point her in the direction of the other two nephews  ;) I'm not about to start the second one so soon.

It also might be I'm taking it a bit too personal: I was supposed to be a boy myself  ;) But I came out a girl, so that meant my parents had to have another kid. I'm not exactly sure what the backup plan was if my brother turned out to be a girl as well. So I actually did grow up with the feel that I wasn't good enough. It's not a happy feeling, and I'd rather save my daughter from it.

But some posters make a very valid point; DH's grandmother is 87. The odds of my girl picking up on those few slips are not that big. It might not be a hill to die on.

If your DD ever does pick up on it, make it a joke.  As the 4th DD, and 8th grand daughter, and most definately last of both, the fact that I was another girl was always a family joke.  All my sisters and cousins were just prototypes until they were able to get the perfect girl, me. 

kherbert05

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Re: "It's such a shame your baby isn't a boy"
« Reply #58 on: October 14, 2012, 07:23:31 PM »
My dad was the only one of three boys in his family to have children.  My parents had the opposite problem, though.  My grandmother apparently wanted the family line to end.  How do I know?  When my parents told her they were pregnant with me, her response was, "If it's a boy, I hope it dies."   :'(  My male cousin was her favorite grandchild, so I guess she was ok with her daughters having boys.

Why they didn't give her the cut direct, I have no idea.
cut direct - no the family as a whole should have abandoned her. Let her live out her life alone. She should never have been allowed near a child after that comment.
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bopper

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Re: "It's such a shame your baby isn't a boy"
« Reply #59 on: October 14, 2012, 10:01:29 PM »
Evilbopper says (to baby): "It's such a shame your grandma isn't an idiot."

Bopper says nothing. She is speechless.