S/O Making children attend parties they don't want to go to

[Pippen]

  Maybe I shouldn't even admit this, but even if the whole class of girls was planning to attend, I would never never never send my child seven hours away to a home I'd never seen with parents I'd never met for even one day, much less a whole week.  To me that would be scary.

Poddity POD POD!!!

Then I won't tell you the story of how my ex BF's parents gave him to a childless couple they had just met in a campground so they could go around the Greek islands for a couple of weeks. He was 3 at the time. It was the 70's.

His Mum was telling me about their adventures Combi Vanning through Europe and he was there at the time. He was completely unaware of this event and was a bit brassed off. As you can imagine. Along the lines of "You gave me to complete strangers for 2 weeks?!" Her reasoning was well they seemed very nice and couldn't have children of their own and we didn't think you would cope well with all the ferry rides and you are here now, but maybe it was a silly thing to do."

[gramma dishes]

Yes, my children were all three in the seventies too.  I can't even imagine leaving any of them with strangers under any circumstances.  I was cautious about even regular babysitters who lived in the neighborhood and had superb recommendations -- and we were only leaving for a couple of hours!!

[gramma dishes]

...   His Mum was telling me about their adventures Combi Vanning through Europe and he was there at the time. He was completely unaware of this event and was a bit brassed off. As you can imagine. Along the lines of "You gave me to complete strangers for 2 weeks?!" Her reasoning was well they seemed very nice and couldn't have children of their own and we didn't think you would cope well with all the ferry rides and you are here now, but maybe it was a silly thing to do." ...

That's astonishing!

[Pippen]

...   His Mum was telling me about their adventures Combi Vanning through Europe and he was there at the time. He was completely unaware of this event and was a bit brassed off. As you can imagine. Along the lines of "You gave me to complete strangers for 2 weeks?!" Her reasoning was well they seemed very nice and couldn't have children of their own and we didn't think you would cope well with all the ferry rides and you are here now, but maybe it was a silly thing to do." ...

That's astonishing!

I know. I was shocked. It would never have occurred to me that would in anyway be appropriate but then she was funny ideas about all sorts of things. I am less and less surprised at the idiotic things people do with their kids. Recently some moron brought a dinghy of the internet and decided to take his 5 kids out in it despite it being the middle of winter in the evening, none of them having life jackets or knowing how to swim or him having any experience in boats whatsoever. You can guess how that ended. Or the idiot who took his 4 year old daughter out on a kayak down the river after a week of torrential rain at dusk and got swept out to sea. He was wearing a wetsuit. The daughter was wearing gumboots that would have filled with water and dragged her to the bottom in seconds.

[TheaterDiva1]

Recently some moron brought a dinghy of the internet and decided to take his 5 kids out in it despite it being the middle of winter in the evening, none of them having life jackets or knowing how to swim or him having any experience in boats whatsoever. You can guess how that ended. Or the idiot who took his 4 year old daughter out on a kayak down the river after a week of torrential rain at dusk and got swept out to sea. He was wearing a wetsuit. The daughter was wearing gumboots that would have filled with water and dragged her to the bottom in seconds.

At the risk of thread-jacking - WHAT HAPPENED?!?

[Pippen]

Recently some moron brought a dinghy of the internet and decided to take his 5 kids out in it despite it being the middle of winter in the evening, none of them having life jackets or knowing how to swim or him having any experience in boats whatsoever. You can guess how that ended. Or the idiot who took his 4 year old daughter out on a kayak down the river after a week of torrential rain at dusk and got swept out to sea. He was wearing a wetsuit. The daughter was wearing gumboots that would have filled with water and dragged her to the bottom in seconds.

At the risk of thread-jacking - WHAT HAPPENED?!?

The father and a 7 year old drowned and one of the people who jumped into rescue them nearly did as well. Fisherman on the shore had to rescue the little girl on the kayak as she was getting washed out to sea.

[jedikaiti]

How awful! I DO make sure my kids understand that there are social obligations and that sometimes it is kind to make a small sacrifice for the comfort of others. Your mother went WAY over the top here though, imo. I personally wouldn't spend a week with an unpleasant person just so they didn't feel bad so I don't think it reasonable to expect my child to either.

I think sometimes adults romanticise the 'kid with no friends' and forget that sometimes they have no friends simply because they're just not very nice.

I don't necessarily want to go stay at someone's home for a whole week even if I DO like them!

[violinp]

How awful! I DO make sure my kids understand that there are social obligations and that sometimes it is kind to make a small sacrifice for the comfort of others. Your mother went WAY over the top here though, imo. I personally wouldn't spend a week with an unpleasant person just so they didn't feel bad so I don't think it reasonable to expect my child to either.

I think sometimes adults romanticise the 'kid with no friends' and forget that sometimes they have no friends simply because they're just not very nice.

I don't necessarily want to go stay at someone's home for a whole week even if I DO like them!

POD. That would be smothering.

[JenJay]

  Maybe I shouldn't even admit this, but even if the whole class of girls was planning to attend, I would never never never send my child seven hours away to a home I'd never seen with parents I'd never met for even one day, much less a whole week.  To me that would be scary.

Me either!

[siamesecat2965]

I don't think its right for parents to force kids to go to parties etc they don't want to.  I as a very shy, self-conscious child, and I think my mom felt bad as I didn't have a lot of friends, etc.  Honestly, I'd rather stick my nose in a book than interact with hoards of kids, but I think she felt I was somehow missing out.

So she tried to get me involved in activities etc. to bring me out of my shell, but I can't say I really enjoyed any of them all that much.  Also, my mom had a second cousin who was her age; they were literally 3 weeks apart in age.  Both only children, so kind of like sisters, even though they didn't see each other that often.

My mom had me, and my aunt (as we called her) had 3, one close to my age.  My mom always tried to get me to be friendly with my cousin, etc. even though she really was NOT a nice person.  selfish, rude, entitled ,etc.  But I think mom wanted us to be as close as she was with her mom.  So I spent some time with them, but was miserable a lot of it.

FF to adulthood.  My aunt has since passed away, and I am very close to her oldest daughter, who is only 3 years older than me, but as kids, it was a big difference so we weren't close at all.  she has told my mom stories about her sister etc. and my mom finally gets why I never wanted to spend time with her, or was close to her. And she said "why didn't you tell me?" Um I did, but you didn't see it.  She  feels bad, but I told her its in the past, no lasting scars, so not a big deal.  But sometimes kids know more than the adults think they do!

[Piratelvr1121]

I was once invited to the birthday party of a girl who lived down the street from us and we all had fun at the party, I wasn't made to feel unwanted at all.   

Well I can't remember if it was a week or a month later, but another friend told me that the only reason birthday girl invited me was because her mom made her.  I was hurt at the time, though with time I realized the friend probably was jealous of me hanging out with the other girl.  She also told me once that the only reason birthday girl ever came over to my house was to see my baby brother.   I said "Well, he is cute!" I wasn't meaning to be witty, I just didn't know what else to say to that.

[cicero]

I think *in general* that in most cases we need to make our children attend events that they don't want to. I think that it is part of teaching children to be compassionate to others, to be kind, to reciprocate. We teach them how to be empathic of others. and many times - when kids actually go to the event, they end up having a good time. and if they don't really have a great time? so they learn that sometimes you do things because it's the right thing to do.

there are cases where I wouldn't force a kid - such as the example in the OP. there is no way I would send my child in those circumstances. or if a bully who i knew was bullying my kid invited him to a b-day party, i wouldn't force my child to go. of if my child was extremely shy and panicky - i wouldn't force them to go to a huge birthday party (But i might strongly encourage them to go to  a smaler event)

DS is 26 , has asperger's and is still at home, battling some social issues. I no longer force him to go to events but I do encourage him. there are events that he knows (without my saying anything) that he has to attend, and there are others that i will encourage him to go to and offer an out ("if you really don't feel comfortable you can leave after one hour"; "it's just down the block - i would appreciate if you came and said hello to your cousins and take one photo for granpa, you can leave after that")

[BB-VA]

  Maybe I shouldn't even admit this, but even if the whole class of girls was planning to attend, I would never never never send my child seven hours away to a home I'd never seen with parents I'd never met for even one day, much less a whole week.  To me that would be scary.

Poddity POD POD!!!

Then I won't tell you the story of how my ex BF's parents gave him to a childless couple they had just met in a campground so they could go around the Greek islands for a couple of weeks. He was 3 at the time. It was the 70's.

Wow!!  I thought it was bad that my in-laws "loaned" my husband out at a tourist attraction in the late '50's. 

It was a historical attraction, and they were asked if they could "borrow" him for a couple of hours to be part if a re-enactment display.  He was about 1 or 2, and basically sat on a blanket in the yard of a house for a while.   MIL and FIL checked from time to time to be sure he was ok.

NOT exactly the same as  2 weeks in a campground.  Yeesh!!!

[Emmy]

I think *in general* that in most cases we need to make our children attend events that they don't want to. I think that it is part of teaching children to be compassionate to others, to be kind, to reciprocate. We teach them how to be empathic of others. and many times - when kids actually go to the event, they end up having a good time. and if they don't really have a great time? so they learn that sometimes you do things because it's the right thing to do.

there are cases where I wouldn't force a kid - such as the example in the OP. there is no way I would send my child in those circumstances. or if a bully who i knew was bullying my kid invited him to a b-day party, i wouldn't force my child to go. of if my child was extremely shy and panicky - i wouldn't force them to go to a huge birthday party (But i might strongly encourage them to go to  a smaler event)

I'm with cicero on this.  I think the OP's case was extreme.  If the girl lived close by and the party was 2 hours, I wouldn't think that would be a big problem. 

[Pippen]

I think *in general* that in most cases we need to make our children attend events that they don't want to. I think that it is part of teaching children to be compassionate to others, to be kind, to reciprocate. We teach them how to be empathic of others. and many times - when kids actually go to the event, they end up having a good time. and if they don't really have a great time? so they learn that sometimes you do things because it's the right thing to do.

there are cases where I wouldn't force a kid - such as the example in the OP. there is no way I would send my child in those circumstances. or if a bully who i knew was bullying my kid invited him to a b-day party, i wouldn't force my child to go. of if my child was extremely shy and panicky - i wouldn't force them to go to a huge birthday party (But i might strongly encourage them to go to  a smaler event)

I'm with cicero on this.  I think the OP's case was extreme.  If the girl lived close by and the party was 2 hours, I wouldn't think that would be a big problem.

I think we all had to go to things we didn't want to when we were kids mainly adults events that we would find a bit boring but you sat there quietly waiting for the time to pass or found some way of keeping yourself amused and out of trouble. I think it comes down to the level of engagement that is required from the child. So something they may be averse to but has a short duration and doesn't require them to be 'on', too bad you are going. Dealing with people they may not want to is part of learning social skills and managing situations.