Author Topic: Married Bridesmaids VS "The Head Table"  (Read 10427 times)

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Bluenomi

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Re: Married Bridesmaids VS "The Head Table"
« Reply #15 on: October 15, 2012, 08:41:07 PM »
If there are 7 bridesmaids there is a good chance there will be a few boyfriends/husbands who are left at a loose end so to speak. I suspect they will all be seated together and end up having a great old time being, well, boys.

It's a wedding, it's one night. I think you just need to suck it up and deal with it. Either he goes and deals with spending part of the night without you or he doesn't go and you go by yourself. You're a BM, there will be plently of things to keep you distracted from the fact he isn't there.

Specky

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Re: Married Bridesmaids VS "The Head Table"
« Reply #16 on: October 16, 2012, 12:57:17 AM »
Do what YOU want to do, what makes you the most comfortable.

My husband would win every time.

sourwolf

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Re: Married Bridesmaids VS "The Head Table"
« Reply #17 on: October 16, 2012, 01:06:28 AM »
Do what YOU want to do, what makes you the most comfortable.

My husband would win every time.

But would your husband force you to choose?

kareng57

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Re: Married Bridesmaids VS "The Head Table"
« Reply #18 on: October 16, 2012, 01:16:04 AM »
I was just in a wedding where partners or spouses of the wedding party were at the head table. It was hardly unwieldy or awkward. This is what I've seen most often and what I think you should suggest.

If my BF had had to sit elsewhere, it wouldn't have been a dealbreaker for us, so I guess I can't tell you whether it should be one for you. I guess the actual dinner part (before mingling) is generally so brief that we would tough it out to make a friend happy on a stressful day. As soon as the meal part ends, you two will be together again.  :D


Yes, but OP's situation is that there are 14 attendants.  Unless it's an absolutely huge venue ( and even then, I'd have trouble figuring out how they would do it) - the attendants' SOs would have to sit elsewhere, as opposed to being seated at the head table.

I'd have to agree with PPs - if the bride is her best friend, it does seem a bit weird that her husband knows absolutely no one who would also be attending the wedding.  Even if he does not - for a wedding of this size, I'd imagine that there would have to be a rehearsal and therefore a rehearsal dinner (or at least a dessert party) - and wouldn't that be the best occasion to introduce the WP's SOs to each other?  Of course they don't have to make lifelong friends, but one would think that it would help them to be mildly-tolerable to each other for about 90 minutes the next day.  As PPs have said - once dinner and the toasts are done, everyone is pretty free to mingle.

But of course  it's for OP to decide.  If she decides that it's better to attend alone and not have to listen to her husband's complaints about the people he was forced to sit with....it might be the best bet.

sweetonsno

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Re: Married Bridesmaids VS "The Head Table"
« Reply #19 on: October 16, 2012, 04:19:17 AM »
Your husband is a grown man. Assuming that he does not have serious social anxiety, he should be able to manage without you for a few hours. I also don't always relish the idea of going to an event where I don't know many people, especially if the people who I know will be occupied for the majority of the time. However, I love my friends and family and will support them by attending major life events. Your best friend's wedding is a pretty big deal, and I think you should absolutely go if you can.

If your husband is adamant about not going, then don't force it. Leave him at home for a weekend of boy time. Absolutely do not decline being a bridesmaid just because your husband doesn't want to go. I imagine that your husband would understand you wanting to do this for your best friend. He'll likely be able to take care of himself for a day (or two, if it's an out-of-town wedding) while you're off having fun at the wedding.

If your husband agrees to go, work on teaching him some small talk so he can make friends and keep himself occupied while you're doing your bridesmaidly duties. He'll survive the getting ready, the ceremony, and the dinner. You two can dance the night away after all of the photos, toasts, and eating.

Basically, choose the option that will result in the most good feelings and the fewest bad feelings. (Consider your feelings, your husband's feelings, and your friend's feelings.) Depending on how well your husband handles social situations where he doesn't know many people, that is probably going to be either going with him or going without him.

jaxsue

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Re: Married Bridesmaids VS "The Head Table"
« Reply #20 on: October 16, 2012, 08:13:42 AM »
I agree with PPs who said that it's the HC's day. It may not be ideal for you and your DH, OP, but it's a few hours. I wouldn't see this as a deal-breaker. I also am curious that this is your best friend, yet your DH doesn't know anyone who'll be there.

I say all of this having been alone at many functions (being divorced, that's life!) and having to sit at tables with complete strangers.


Margo

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Re: Married Bridesmaids VS "The Head Table"
« Reply #21 on: October 16, 2012, 08:29:22 AM »
I agree that for something like this, it's unreasonable fo your husband to refuse to go with you simply because he has to sit at a different table for the meal. After all, even if you were simply attending as a guest, not a BM, you would both be expected to mingle, and talk to other people.

My sister got married earlier this summer. My (other) sister's boyfriend came to the wedding - they've been together a relatively short tiem, an live some distance away, so he had not met anone except members of the briadal party - he came, sat at a different table for the eal and speeches and had a good time. As did my brother's girlfriend (he was in the wedding party).

It's fairly common att weddigns to end up with people you don't know, or only know slightly - you just get on with it.

If your husbnd is particualrly anxious, is there anyone he does know who is likely to be going? Do you know / socialise with any of the other bridesmaids, fr instance - could you organise a meal out or something and invite them and their partners so he can meet a few of the other wedding guests and feel more comfortable going in.

I think that if this is a real dealbreaker and your husband can't or won';t compromise then consier going alone to support your friend, rather than declining to act as BM. It may be less fun than going with your DH would have been, but this is your best freind and although she sounds like sometone who wouldn't make a fuss, I think turning downher invitation to be a bridesmaid is likely to hurt her feelings, especially as the reason is one which, to an outsider, seems fairly pettty. (I am assuming that your DH does not sufer from any erious anxiety disorder or other medical condition whcih would make not sitting at your table a particular issue for him . If he does, then I think that explaining that issue to the Bride would be reasonable. You are then able to explain that you'd love to be a BM but that DH has a medical need for your support, so you will have to decline but hope very much you'll both be welcome as ordinary guests. The Bridge can then, if she wishes, offer a compromise for you to be seated with your DH instead of at the 'top table'.

Sleepynose

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Re: Married Bridesmaids VS "The Head Table"
« Reply #22 on: October 16, 2012, 10:51:32 AM »
Thanks everyone for the replies, I will talk about it with my husband some more and let you all know the outcome. To answer some question that came up repeatedly,

No, really, he will know absolutely no one at the wedding. He has met the bride (my best friend) maybe three or four times. I don't see her often but I do call a lot.

No he doesn't have any social disorder, it's more of a cultural difference. What we call a traditional wedding in the US is not what he is used to where he is from.

Why don't I just go without him, I probably would be miserable. I'm not really a party person. My own wedding was short and low-key (there was a dinner and no dancing) because I really just wanted to move on with my life.

Will the bride care if he doesn't go? She really could care less.

And no my husband isn't forcing me to do anything, and I can't force him to do anything either.

TurtleDove

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Re: Married Bridesmaids VS "The Head Table"
« Reply #23 on: October 16, 2012, 11:02:00 AM »
Why don't I just go without him, I probably would be miserable. I'm not really a party person.

While your feelings are valid, I think you should recognize that this attitude is likely going to be hurtful to your friend.

Fleur

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Re: Married Bridesmaids VS "The Head Table"
« Reply #24 on: October 16, 2012, 11:09:53 AM »


OP, I would make an excuse. If I were your friend, I would totally understand anyway, but I suppose not everyone would. I  have the attitude 'spouses/partners before friends' so I can really get where you are coming from.

Bexx27

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Re: Married Bridesmaids VS "The Head Table"
« Reply #25 on: October 16, 2012, 01:13:20 PM »
Your friend chose you as a bridesmaid. That presumably means she values you presence and support at her wedding. It's not just a party, it's a milestone event for your friend. So you're not a party person and will be miserable for a few hours. I'm sure you can handle it if being there for your friend is important to you.
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O'Dell

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Re: Married Bridesmaids VS "The Head Table"
« Reply #26 on: October 16, 2012, 01:33:12 PM »
So if you bow out of being a bridesmaid, you and your husband would be willing to attend the wedding because you would then sit together? If that's the case, then tell her you won't be a bridesmaid but would like to be there and support her in other ways. I suggest you use the excuse that you aren't the happy party person that can take that role.

I do have anxiety issues *and* I detest weddings *and* I hate getting "dressed up". Yet I've muddled thru a couple of weddings and receptions now where my husband was in the wedding party and even managed to have a decent time. I did it for my husband. So I can't say that I think much of your husband's attitude. It comes off as quite selfish.
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Giggity

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Re: Married Bridesmaids VS "The Head Table"
« Reply #27 on: October 16, 2012, 02:59:20 PM »
Why don't I just go without him, I probably would be miserable. I'm not really a party person. My own wedding was short and low-key (there was a dinner and no dancing) because I really just wanted to move on with my life.

Miserable? That's a pretty strong term to apply to spending a few hours celebrating your best friend's wedding.

I get being mildly uncomfortable, or wanting to be doing something else, but if your best friend's wedding makes you "miserable," maybe you should decline.
Words mean things.

rose red

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Re: Married Bridesmaids VS "The Head Table"
« Reply #28 on: October 16, 2012, 03:50:32 PM »
Why don't I just go without him, I probably would be miserable. I'm not really a party person. My own wedding was short and low-key (there was a dinner and no dancing) because I really just wanted to move on with my life.

Miserable? That's a pretty strong term to apply to spending a few hours celebrating your best friend's wedding.

I get being mildly uncomfortable, or wanting to be doing something else, but if your best friend's wedding makes you "miserable," maybe you should decline.

I agree.

As a single person, I've been to weddings and sat with a table full of strangers.  It starts off a bit uncomfortable, but you just start to chit-chat or keep to yourself and people watch.  If you and your DH will be miserable being apart for dinner, I agree it's best for both you and your best friend if you declined.

Fleur

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Re: Married Bridesmaids VS "The Head Table"
« Reply #29 on: October 16, 2012, 04:39:48 PM »


I think that people are being a little hard on the OP. I can totally feel where she is coming from, weddings are stressful events and can cause severe social anxiety: I have felt miserable at a lot of weddings. A true friend would understand that. If I was the one getting married, I wouldn't want my friend to be unhappy just to celebrate 'my day'.