Extending sympathies while discussing the wedding - how to accomplish? **UPDATE*

[joraemi]

BG:  I am the official keeper of The Wedding Hanky in our family.  Almost every bride in our family has carried the hanky at her wedding for generations now.  Aunt was the keeper, but as she is getting up in age decided to pass the responsibility to me several years ago. Since I am the keeper, I have the occasion to be contacted by distant family that I don't know to ask for the hanky to be sent for a wedding, etc, etc.

End BG

  I am getting ready to send The Hanky to a bride for her wedding next month.  This is a very distant cousin that I do not know, have not met, etc.  Her father and I are about the same age and WE are distant cousins - we think we maybe met once when we were children at a family reunion.  As I was getting things together this morning and preparing to send her an e-mail to verify the address that I am sending it to, I got an e-mail from Aunt. Aunt let me know that Bride's brother passed away suddenly in August, out of the country, with no known cause. (He was 30)

I don't know how to segue between, "My deepest sympathies on the sudden passing of your brother." and, "I hope the wedding plans are going well!  Where exactly would you like me to send the hanky?".  I feel I would be remiss not to acknowledge her brother's passing.  She is not someone I would normally send a sympathy card to or anything - I don't even know her - so I don't feel like I can ignore it in the e-mail but send a card. I don't want to talk about the wedding first and end with the sympathies because then it feels like, "btw - sorry about your brother" - like it's an afterthought - and I don't want that either.

Suggestions on wording this e-mail please??

[TurtleDove]

I don't think there is any non-awkward way to do this.  I would lead with the happy news about the hanky and the wedding (since that is the point of the contact) and add a line at the end something like: "I am sorry to hear of your brother's passing."  Since you don't know her, and didn't know him, and don't know the circumstances, it's best to not make statement that imply you do (because you could be wrong).

[LilacGirl1983]

Why not send two separate emails...maybe lead with your sympathies email and that might prompt them to say with the death the wedding got postponed...if nothing arises maybe wait a week or two then follow up with the hanky details...since I imagine the hanky has taken a back burner for the family since there was a sudden death.

[TootsNYC]

send a LETTER of condolence.

And send an email 2 days later asking about the address for the hanky.
(are you enclosing return postage and envelope, so they will find it easy to return it? I would)

[Missy2U]

send a LETTER of condolence.

And send an email 2 days later asking about the address for the hanky.
(are you enclosing return postage and envelope, so they will find it easy to return it? I would)

Was typing almost this exact same thing.  Toots is too fast for me! 

[joraemi]

send a LETTER of condolence.

And send an email 2 days later asking about the address for the hanky.
(are you enclosing return postage and envelope, so they will find it easy to return it? I would)

Please forgive my ignorance, Toots - but do you mean like a snail mail letter?  Or an e-mail?

I was thinking about this while I was cleaning my linen closet today and wondered if I could do something along these lines:

Dear Bride,

Since your wedding is now just a month away I am writing to see exactly where you would like The Hanky to be sent so that I can be sure it will arrive in plenty of time.  As I was preparing to send this note to you, an e-mail arrived from Aunt and she shared with me that your brother had passed away in August.  My deepest sympathies to you and your family.

Hugs,
Jo

(and YES - as the Keeper I am always sweating bullets from the time I leave it at the post office until it comes back to me.  I always include self addressed packaging and ask that they delegate the responsibility of sending it back to someone trustworthy that would be available to send it back ASAP.  I don't include postage as I don't know if they want to delivery confirmation and such-that's normally how I send it, but don't require it or anything because that would be rude!lol All they have to do is wrap it back in the tissue paper, put it in the new packaging , seal it and take it to the post office)

[Kgirl]

Huge responsibility, nice tradition! You can never go wrong when you are genuine.  Send your treasure and express your sympathy.

[gmatoy]

We have a similar type of tradition in our family. So, may I suggest something that someone in my circle of friends suggested to me: Our thing is a coin worn in a shoe or carried by the bride. My friend suggested that as "THE" coin was given to each bride, another coin be given also. That way each bride has their own coin so that, if anything ever happens to "THE" coin, there is another coin with at least some tradition to it.

In your family's case, a new handkerchief to go with the traditional one. Just in case....

[LilacRosey]

whats a hanky? godd luck that sounds difficult

[joraemi]

A hanky is a handkerchief - it's a slang term.
**UPDATE**

I received an e-mail from Bride today asking about the hanky.  (Our telepathy must be strong today!  lol) She did not mention her brother at all, but said that wedding plans were going good, they were hoping for good weather, could I send the hanky to her mom, etc, etc.  So - I answered in kind about the wedding and so on and did not mention her brother.  I decided I would send a snail mail note to let her know when I receive the hanky back and will express my condolences at that time.

[TootsNYC]

send a LETTER of condolence.

And send an email 2 days later asking about the address for the hanky.
(are you enclosing return postage and envelope, so they will find it easy to return it? I would)

Please forgive my ignorance, Toots - but do you mean like a snail mail letter?  Or an e-mail?

Yes, a letter is sent by snail mail.

This is formal correspondence. You can't get a more serious or important communication than an expression of sympathy on the death of a human being.

If you think all wedding invites deserve to be on paper, then absolutely completely thoroughly totally should all CONDOLENCE letters be on paper.
Good luck writing the condolence letter!

[Yvaine]

send a LETTER of condolence.

And send an email 2 days later asking about the address for the hanky.
(are you enclosing return postage and envelope, so they will find it easy to return it? I would)

Please forgive my ignorance, Toots - but do you mean like a snail mail letter?  Or an e-mail?

Yes, a letter is sent by snail mail.

This is formal correspondence. You can't get a more serious or important communication than an expression of sympathy on the death of a human being.

If you think all wedding invites deserve to be on paper, then absolutely completely thoroughly totally should all CONDOLENCE letters be on paper.
Good luck writing the condolence letter!

This comes off as really snarky through the internet. I don't think joraemi believes that a sympathy letter isn't worthy of snail mail. I would be willing to bet she's concerned about the timeline. The way you lay it out, the email about the hanky would likely get there before the condolence letter, which seems a little off. My guess is that you actually mean "wait about 2 days after you think the letter might have gotten there."

[blueberry.muffin]

send a LETTER of condolence.

And send an email 2 days later asking about the address for the hanky.
(are you enclosing return postage and envelope, so they will find it easy to return it? I would)

Please forgive my ignorance, Toots - but do you mean like a snail mail letter?  Or an e-mail?

Yes, a letter is sent by snail mail.

This is formal correspondence. You can't get a more serious or important communication than an expression of sympathy on the death of a human being.

If you think all wedding invites deserve to be on paper, then absolutely completely thoroughly totally should all CONDOLENCE letters be on paper.
Good luck writing the condolence letter!

This comes off as really snarky through the internet. I don't think joraemi believes that a sympathy letter isn't worthy of snail mail. I would be willing to bet she's concerned about the timeline. The way you lay it out, the email about the hanky would likely get there before the condolence letter, which seems a little off. My guess is that you actually mean "wait about 2 days after you think the letter might have gotten there."

Agree with Yvaine. Why all the need for the capital letters? I don't think the OP committed that dire of a sin, if any.

[cass2591]

Please, everybody because I don't think Toots is the only person who does this, and frankly I've gotten used to it so I don't really notice anymore, but posters are right that caps are unnecessary. Use italics for emphasis.

Thank you.