Is anyone else bothered by the husband's and Dear Abby's attitude?

[Mental Magpie]

While going out a few times a year and drinking too much to drive is fine and fun for a lot of people, I would be questioning my husband's maturity if this was an activity he enjoyed.  But I do think it has less to do with maturity and more to do with lifestyle.  I wouldn't have married DH if this was a lifestyle he enjoyed.

I have to agree.  At what point does going out and getting plastered become part of who you are instead  of a phase? 

Like Judah, I wouldn't have married my DH if this was an activity he enjoyed.  Don't get me wrong, he's gotten a bit tipsy (okay drunk!) a few times in our married life but it certainly wasn't something he did regularly or several (several? as in how many?) times a year.

So what if it is part of who you are?  If that's not your tastes, that's OK, but I don't think it's right to put others down just because you don't like it.


ETA: You's are general.

[Yvaine]

I wonder why he didn't say anything before they were married, or had she not done this before?

A lot of people change their expectations of their spouse upon marriage, without really communicating that. So, a girls' night out was fine for his girlfriend, but not for his wife, by gum! It's like the people who suddenly think their spouse will automatically, with no discussion, quit their job upon marriage and be a housewife/husband. Or keep the house differently than when they were cohabiting.

[Judah]

While going out a few times a year and drinking too much to drive is fine and fun for a lot of people, I would be questioning my husband's maturity if this was an activity he enjoyed.  But I do think it has less to do with maturity and more to do with lifestyle.  I wouldn't have married DH if this was a lifestyle he enjoyed.

That can be said of so many activities, though. For almost every leisure activity, there's someone who thinks it's stupid. I agree that people should marry someone whose leisure activities are acceptable to them rather than expecting the person to suddenly drop them upon getting married. I've seen relationships where one partner wants the other to give up sports because it's "immature," science fiction/fantasy gaming because it's "immature," motorcycling because it's "immature," and so on.

I should have elaborated.  It's very true that many activities could be viewed as immature, but to me it's more a lifestyle thing and it seems the couple's ideas of acceptable lifestyle activities don't match, and that could be a problem.  It would not be okay with me if my went out with his friends several times a year and drank too much to get home, but our expectations match, so it works for us.

[Roe]

While going out a few times a year and drinking too much to drive is fine and fun for a lot of people, I would be questioning my husband's maturity if this was an activity he enjoyed.  But I do think it has less to do with maturity and more to do with lifestyle.  I wouldn't have married DH if this was a lifestyle he enjoyed.

I have to agree.  At what point does going out and getting plastered become part of who you are instead  of a phase? 

Like Judah, I wouldn't have married my DH if this was an activity he enjoyed.  Don't get me wrong, he's gotten a bit tipsy (okay drunk!) a few times in our married life but it certainly wasn't something he did regularly or several (several? as in how many?) times a year.

So what if it is part of who you are?  If that's not your tastes, that's OK, but I don't think it's right to put others down just because you don't like it.


ETA: You's are general.

If that is part of a person's personality and they enjoy it...more power to them!  I just wouldn't have married a person like that.  And that's just my personal preference.

[Judah]

While going out a few times a year and drinking too much to drive is fine and fun for a lot of people, I would be questioning my husband's maturity if this was an activity he enjoyed.  But I do think it has less to do with maturity and more to do with lifestyle.  I wouldn't have married DH if this was a lifestyle he enjoyed.

I'm not sure it is really a lifestyle, since it doesn't seem regular enough to really call it that. I know not everyone likes drinking, but that is something this couple should have worked out beforehand if it is that big of a deal.

I don't think it's the drinking; it's the drinking too much. There's a big difference to me

[Mental Magpie]

While going out a few times a year and drinking too much to drive is fine and fun for a lot of people, I would be questioning my husband's maturity if this was an activity he enjoyed.  But I do think it has less to do with maturity and more to do with lifestyle.  I wouldn't have married DH if this was a lifestyle he enjoyed.

I have to agree.  At what point does going out and getting plastered become part of who you are instead  of a phase? 

Like Judah, I wouldn't have married my DH if this was an activity he enjoyed.  Don't get me wrong, he's gotten a bit tipsy (okay drunk!) a few times in our married life but it certainly wasn't something he did regularly or several (several? as in how many?) times a year.

So what if it is part of who you are?  If that's not your tastes, that's OK, but I don't think it's right to put others down just because you don't like it.


ETA: You's are general.

If that is part of a person's personality and they love it...more power to them!  I just wouldn't have married a person like that.  And that's just my personal preference.

Which is absolutely fine.  I was addressing the part of your post about "when does it stop being a phase?".  Maybe I misunderstood what you meant by it.

[AllTheThings]

Unrelated, but I was also bothered by the implication that couples should be socializing together.

I would say that if they never ever socialize together, it could be a red flag. I had a relationship like this. It turned out to be a symptom of us not really having much in common, enjoying the same activities, or even being able to stomach the same people (I thought his friends were obnoxious and vice versa, and it really said a lot about traits we saw in each other too). But a girls' night or guys' night a few times a YEAR, or even a few times a month? I just can't see that as weird. At all.

Yeah, I could see a problem if they never socialize together. But I didn't like Abby's implication that the wife was wrong for going out by herself, and that they should socialize with other married couples (equating marriage and maturity). My parents will freely admit that they are sometimes sick of the other and will go off with other friends, and they seem pretty happy to me.

I know I'm analyzing this letter a lot, but analyzing things is kind of my job 

[Roe]

While going out a few times a year and drinking too much to drive is fine and fun for a lot of people, I would be questioning my husband's maturity if this was an activity he enjoyed.  But I do think it has less to do with maturity and more to do with lifestyle.  I wouldn't have married DH if this was a lifestyle he enjoyed.

I'm not sure it is really a lifestyle, since it doesn't seem regular enough to really call it that. I know not everyone likes drinking, but that is something this couple should have worked out beforehand if it is that big of a deal.

I don't think it's the drinking; it's the drinking too much. There's a big difference to me

Exactly! 

FTR, my cousins and I have GNO's every now and then. Now that I've moved, when I head back home....we already have a set date to hang out.  However, no one gets so drunk that they have to spend the night somewhere other than their house.

And also for the record, my DH goes out with friends...football games, grab a beer or two.  But again, he doesn't get drunk and have to spend the night somewhere else.

There's a big difference in that.  At least to me there is.

[AllTheThings]

While going out a few times a year and drinking too much to drive is fine and fun for a lot of people, I would be questioning my husband's maturity if this was an activity he enjoyed.  But I do think it has less to do with maturity and more to do with lifestyle.  I wouldn't have married DH if this was a lifestyle he enjoyed.

I'm not sure it is really a lifestyle, since it doesn't seem regular enough to really call it that. I know not everyone likes drinking, but that is something this couple should have worked out beforehand if it is that big of a deal.

I don't think it's the drinking; it's the drinking too much. There's a big difference to me

It doesn't sound like she actually drank too much though, is where I see the problem with the husband's thinking. I would be very worried if my spouse was drinking dangerously, but it doesn't sound like that happened.

[Yvaine]

Unrelated, but I was also bothered by the implication that couples should be socializing together.

I would say that if they never ever socialize together, it could be a red flag. I had a relationship like this. It turned out to be a symptom of us not really having much in common, enjoying the same activities, or even being able to stomach the same people (I thought his friends were obnoxious and vice versa, and it really said a lot about traits we saw in each other too). But a girls' night or guys' night a few times a YEAR, or even a few times a month? I just can't see that as weird. At all.

Yeah, I could see a problem if they never socialize together. But I didn't like Abby's implication that the wife was wrong for going out by herself, and that they should socialize with other married couples (equating marriage and maturity). My parents will freely admit that they are sometimes sick of the other and will go off with other friends, and they seem pretty happy to me.

I know I'm analyzing this letter a lot, but analyzing things is kind of my job 

Exactly. I totally agree. 

While going out a few times a year and drinking too much to drive is fine and fun for a lot of people, I would be questioning my husband's maturity if this was an activity he enjoyed.  But I do think it has less to do with maturity and more to do with lifestyle.  I wouldn't have married DH if this was a lifestyle he enjoyed.

I'm not sure it is really a lifestyle, since it doesn't seem regular enough to really call it that. I know not everyone likes drinking, but that is something this couple should have worked out beforehand if it is that big of a deal.

I don't think it's the drinking; it's the drinking too much. There's a big difference to me

Exactly! 

FTR, my cousins and I have GNO's every now and then. Now that I've moved, when I head back home....we already have a set date to hang out.  However, no one gets so drunk that they have to spend the night somewhere other than their house.

And also for the record, my DH goes out with friends...football games, grab a beer or two.  But again, he doesn't get drunk and have to spend the night somewhere else.

There's a big difference in that.  At least to me there is.

OK, well, first of all, they could just be very careful about their safety; there are people who won't drive if they had one drink hours and hours ago. We also don't know if she's spending the night because she's drunk or if it's supposed to be a slumber party anyway; some grown women do this as a nostalgia/bonding thing. And our ideas of how drunk she gets are coming through the husband, who sounds controlling and isn't actually there to see her inebriation level anyway. There are lots of levels of "drunk" between sober and blotto.

But even if she's getting blotto, it still sounds like it's a rare occurrence and that they're doing it as responsibly as possible.

[Judah]

While going out a few times a year and drinking too much to drive is fine and fun for a lot of people, I would be questioning my husband's maturity if this was an activity he enjoyed.  But I do think it has less to do with maturity and more to do with lifestyle.  I wouldn't have married DH if this was a lifestyle he enjoyed.

I'm not sure it is really a lifestyle, since it doesn't seem regular enough to really call it that. I know not everyone likes drinking, but that is something this couple should have worked out beforehand if it is that big of a deal.

I don't think it's the drinking; it's the drinking too much. There's a big difference to me

It doesn't sound like she actually drank too much though, is where I see the problem with the husband's thinking. I would be very worried if my spouse was drinking dangerously, but it doesn't sound like that happened.

From the letter:

She likes to go out with a group of her friends from high school or with her sister and her sister's friends, get drunk and stay the night.

For me getting drunk is drinking too much. Add that to doing it several times a year and it's just too much.

[buvezdevin]

Yes, I'm annoyed by both the letter writer and Abby's response.

I have done similar things with girlfriend's, at most a couple of times a year, and not in some while, but it sounds as though the way we did this is like the letter writer's wife:  we'd plan to share a dinner at a friend's house, drink wine, and talk as long into the night as possible - then stay over night and leave in the morning.  No one ever got falling down drunk, staying the night was more a matter of being free to have more than one glass of wine *and* generally talking and enjoying collective company without worrying about being too tired or tipsy to drive home late.

I agree that if the wife were doing this frequently, and/or was regularly getting sloshed, that could become a matter the husband would be understandably concerned with as it would then be limiting the time his wife had for him, or become a drinking problem.   Instead it sounds like *his* maturity is in question if he knows she has done this type socializing for some while, but assumed she would apparently naturally give it up within eight months oa marriage.

 Total eye roll at his statement that he doesn't want to be a controlling husband and say she "can't" - he would clearly prefer that she read *his* mind and conform on her own.

[AllTheThings]

While going out a few times a year and drinking too much to drive is fine and fun for a lot of people, I would be questioning my husband's maturity if this was an activity he enjoyed.  But I do think it has less to do with maturity and more to do with lifestyle.  I wouldn't have married DH if this was a lifestyle he enjoyed.

I'm not sure it is really a lifestyle, since it doesn't seem regular enough to really call it that. I know not everyone likes drinking, but that is something this couple should have worked out beforehand if it is that big of a deal.

I don't think it's the drinking; it's the drinking too much. There's a big difference to me

Exactly! 

FTR, my cousins and I have GNO's every now and then. Now that I've moved, when I head back home....we already have a set date to hang out.  However, no one gets so drunk that they have to spend the night somewhere other than their house.

And also for the record, my DH goes out with friends...football games, grab a beer or two.  But again, he doesn't get drunk and have to spend the night somewhere else.

There's a big difference in that.  At least to me there is.

Being drunk enough to stay at someone's house =/= plastered though. You can have only a couple of drinks and still be unsafe to drive without being even close to wasted. Plus it's possible she did not have to stay, maybe she just wanted to. I've also been at parties that have gone very late and not wanted to drive just because I was so tired.

[snowdragon]

While going out a few times a year and drinking too much to drive is fine and fun for a lot of people, I would be questioning my husband's maturity if this was an activity he enjoyed.  But I do think it has less to do with maturity and more to do with lifestyle.  I wouldn't have married DH if this was a lifestyle he enjoyed.

I'm not sure it is really a lifestyle, since it doesn't seem regular enough to really call it that. I know not everyone likes drinking, but that is something this couple should have worked out beforehand if it is that big of a deal.

I don't think it's the drinking; it's the drinking too much. There's a big difference to me

 I don't know that they are drinking too much. Just that they are drinking and staying somewhere afterwards. Since the husband is not there ( it sounds like a girl's night out) we really don't know that they are drinking to excess; just that they are not driving after drinking.
 I am of the idea that I do not drive even after one drink, so are several of the people that I went to high school with. Either we drink or we drive not both.  I simply don't drink, they stay where they are drinking or leave the car at home and take a cab. For us it's not worth the risk.  They may be doing the same thing; staying in and drinking and not driving afterward even to get home until they have had an opportunity for the drink to get out of their systems

[Two Ravens]

While going out a few times a year and drinking too much to drive is fine and fun for a lot of people, I would be questioning my husband's maturity if this was an activity he enjoyed.  But I do think it has less to do with maturity and more to do with lifestyle.  I wouldn't have married DH if this was a lifestyle he enjoyed.

I'm not sure it is really a lifestyle, since it doesn't seem regular enough to really call it that. I know not everyone likes drinking, but that is something this couple should have worked out beforehand if it is that big of a deal.

I don't think it's the drinking; it's the drinking too much. There's a big difference to me

It doesn't sound like she actually drank too much though, is where I see the problem with the husband's thinking. I would be very worried if my spouse was drinking dangerously, but it doesn't sound like that happened.

Right, we really have no idea how much the wife drinks. If she is becoming truly soused to the point of being paralytic, then spending the entire next day (or two) hungover, then yes that would be a problem.

If she is just drinking more than usual and having a sleepover-type situation with her friends, I really don't see what the big deal is.