Is anyone else bothered by the husband's and Dear Abby's attitude?

[jmarvellous]

If my boyfriend took up this habit, if a few times a year can be called a habit, after we got married, I would be alarmed and probably dislike it because it's really out of character.

But if he'd been doing it all along and I hadn't expressed disapproval, then suddenly told him it was immature when we'd been married a while, I would be the one out of line.

That said, getting so drunk you have to (rather than want to, which just sounds fun -- the distinction isn't clear to me in the Abby column) stay the night with friends is something I associate with people who haven't "settled down" much yet, and it's not something I'd want to see more than once in a very long while from a partner. It's not bad, it's just unappealing to me.

[Two Ravens]

From the letter:

She likes to go out with a group of her friends from high school or with her sister and her sister's friends, get drunk and stay the night.

For me getting drunk is drinking too much. Add that to doing it several times a year and it's just too much.

What is "getting drunk" to you? Being tipsy? Buzzed? I doubt they are blowing into a BAC meter to judge...

[snowdragon]

From the letter:

She likes to go out with a group of her friends from high school or with her sister and her sister's friends, get drunk and stay the night.

For me getting drunk is drinking too much. Add that to doing it several times a year and it's just too much.

but he's not there to see any of this, so how does he know they are drunk? They could just be not driving after drinking at all, or as another poster suggested having a preplanned slumber party.

[Jones]

I refuse to drive after 2 drinks in an evening. My DH had a single shot of vodka in a drink a few weekends ago, he waited almost 2 hours before he drove home 9he planned for that). A lot of people cut themselves off early in the evening, simply not wanting to chance being put in a position where alcohol could be blamed for an accident or incident.

[SiotehCat]

I refuse to drive after 2 drinks in an evening. My DH had a single shot of vodka in a drink a few weekends ago, he waited almost 2 hours before he drove home 9he planned for that). A lot of people cut themselves off early in the evening, simply not wanting to chance being put in a position where alcohol could be blamed for an accident or incident.

The husband in the letter said she gets "drunk". He probably knows that better then we do.

She might have come home with a hangover. He might have spoken to her on the phone that night. She might have just been telling him about the night and said she was drunk.

I don't see a reason not to believe the LW.

[Judah]

From the letter:

She likes to go out with a group of her friends from high school or with her sister and her sister's friends, get drunk and stay the night.

For me getting drunk is drinking too much. Add that to doing it several times a year and it's just too much.

What is "getting drunk" to you? Being tipsy? Buzzed? I doubt they are blowing into a BAC meter to judge...

It doesn't matter what my definition of "drunk" is because mine matches my husbands.   The issue is that the letter writer's expectations of behavior and his wife's don't match.

[AllTheThings]

I don't have a problem with anyone who doesn't like drinking or the idea of their spouse drinking, I just don't see how it is immature.

[Mental Magpie]

I don't have a problem with anyone who doesn't like drinking or the idea of their spouse drinking, I just don't see how it is immature.

I am with you on that one.

[lady_disdain]

If my boyfriend took up this habit, if a few times a year can be called a habit, after we got married, I would be alarmed and probably dislike it because it's really out of character.

But if he'd been doing it all along and I hadn't expressed disapproval, then suddenly told him it was immature when we'd been married a while, I would be the one out of line.

That said, getting so drunk you have to (rather than want to, which just sounds fun -- the distinction isn't clear to me in the Abby column) stay the night with friends is something I associate with people who haven't "settled down" much yet, and it's not something I'd want to see more than once in a very long while from a partner. It's not bad, it's just unappealing to me.

I think this is the key. If she already did it, it isn't fair for him to just expect her to stop doing after marriage.

[Yvaine]

I don't have a problem with anyone who doesn't like drinking or the idea of their spouse drinking, I just don't see how it is immature.

This! And, it's fine if you don't want to marry someone who drinks. The thing to do in that case is to...marry someone who doesn't drink. Not to marry someone who does and then try to "fix" them.

[Two Ravens]

From the letter:

She likes to go out with a group of her friends from high school or with her sister and her sister's friends, get drunk and stay the night.

For me getting drunk is drinking too much. Add that to doing it several times a year and it's just too much.

What is "getting drunk" to you? Being tipsy? Buzzed? I doubt they are blowing into a BAC meter to judge...

It doesn't matter what my definition of "drunk" is because mine matches my husbands.   The issue is that the letter writer's expectations of behavior and his wife's don't match.

But the husband isn't even present, so how does he know?

[Pioneer]

It doesn't matter what my definition of "drunk" is because mine matches my husbands.   The issue is that the letter writer's expectations of behavior and his wife's don't match.
[/quote]

This is what puzzled me about Abby's response.  Husband may or may not be a controlling jerk.  Wife may or may not be a lush.  How can I tell based on a one-sided letter?  But virtually any other time someone writes to say, "My partner won't <whatever> or always <whatevers> and I find it unacceptable," the response is "Go to couples counseling.  Go alone if your spouse refuses."

[Pippen]

She is 23 and has friends she likes going out with. Hardly unusual. Did this guy think once they were married she would just sit at home sedately sipping cups of tea and watching the Antiques Roadshow? (which I happen to love BTW) She is not immature she is just doing something perfectly normal for a young woman of her age. It's not even that frequent by the sounds of it. He is making a mountain out of a molehill. He should be thankful that he knows she is with friends who will take care of her rather than getting sloshed and making her find her own way home.

[Judah]

It doesn't matter what my definition of "drunk" is because mine matches my husbands.   The issue is that the letter writer's expectations of behavior and his wife's don't match.

But the husband isn't even present, so how does he know?

Does it matter?  Presumably, his wife has told him about the parties, or else, how would he know?

[AllTheThings]

It doesn't matter what my definition of "drunk" is because mine matches my husbands.   The issue is that the letter writer's expectations of behavior and his wife's don't match.

But the husband isn't even present, so how does he know?

Does it matter?  Presumably, his wife has told him about the parties, or else, how would he know?

I think it matters because if the wife just says that she was drunk, the husband doesn't know what she means by that unless she describes exactly what she drank, how much she had, how strong it was, and how she acted afterwards. To some being drunk is just getting weird and giggly, to others, it is being passed out. There could be a major miscommunication here.