Is anyone else bothered by the husband's and Dear Abby's attitude?

[Yvaine]

It doesn't matter what my definition of "drunk" is because mine matches my husbands.   The issue is that the letter writer's expectations of behavior and his wife's don't match.

But the husband isn't even present, so how does he know?

Does it matter?  Presumably, his wife has told him about the parties, or else, how would he know?

Well, I'm sure he knows where she's going! I just don't think he's popping in with a breathalyzer halfway through the proceedings. He knows they get together and spend the night, he knows they drink, but it doesn't necessarily follow that he has a really accurate idea of how much they drink.

[Slartibartfast]

I don't think drinking in this fashion is necessarily "immature," but it is something that lots of people do while young and stop doing when they get older, so it can certainly feel that way to people who don't drink.  It's also really not compatible with parenting (when drinking and staying overnight away from home is done on a regular basis), which is probably part of the difference.

My friends and I have occasionally had "girls night" sleepovers like this (since having kids), so I can see both sides.  If the purpose of the get-together is to socialize first and drink second (or third or fourth), then that's fine.  If the purpose is to drink first and everything else second, and/or if the wife if endangering her health by binge drinking too much, then I think the husband does have cause for concern.

[buvezdevin]

It doesn't matter what my definition of "drunk" is because mine matches my husbands.   The issue is that the letter writer's expectations of behavior and his wife's don't match.

But the husband isn't even present, so how does he know?

Does it matter?  Presumably, his wife has told him about the parties, or else, how would he know?

He seems to have made one interesting assumption - that his wife would stop an established practice of socializing with her girlfriends/sister simply as a result of being married.  He may have made two.

[Two Ravens]

It doesn't matter what my definition of "drunk" is because mine matches my husbands.   The issue is that the letter writer's expectations of behavior and his wife's don't match.

But the husband isn't even present, so how does he know?

Does it matter?  Presumably, his wife has told him about the parties, or else, how would he know?

I think it does. Just because she likes to spend the night at her friend's after a night going out gives no indication of how much she is truly drinking. It could be anywhere from "I could drive, but it's fun to get coffee with the girls in the morning," to "I feel fine, but probably shouldn't drive" to "I really shouldn't drive" to blackout drunk.

Maybe she is telling him, "Man, I got so wasted I don't remember half the evening," but the letter didn't say that. All it really said was that the wife goes out and drinks and the husband doesn't like it.

[Pippen]

Also the inference that they both 'widen their circle of friends' is pretty off. It implies there is something wrong with the friends she has now and realistically the lead on this would come from him not her as he is the one with the issue. Making people get different friends is controlling behaviour and these would be friends that satisfy his requirements not hers.

[AllTheThings]

Her staying with her friends overnight doesn't necessarily mean that she was so wasted that she had to stay. Some people won't drive even if they are a little tipsy. It's also possible that she wanted to stay, but could have left if she had wanted to. Also, the last time I went to a party, it didn't die down until about 4am. I had been sober for awhile, but I was extremely tired. Everyone stayed over, but if I had to choose between either me or my tipsy roommate driving, I actually would have given her the keys, since she would probably have been safer. There are a lot of reasons why someone would stay over that don't involve them being dangerously wasted.

[Judah]

It doesn't matter what my definition of "drunk" is because mine matches my husbands.   The issue is that the letter writer's expectations of behavior and his wife's don't match.

But the husband isn't even present, so how does he know?

Does it matter?  Presumably, his wife has told him about the parties, or else, how would he know?

He seems to have made one interesting assumption - that his wife would stop an established practice of socializing with her girlfriends/sister simply as a result of being married.  He may have made two.

I agree that he shouldn't have expected his wife to stop drinking with her friends simply because she got married.  And this is one of those things that should definitely be addressed before marriage.  But I don't see how the other is an assumption. I think we should just take the letter at face value.

[Sterling]

I am 32 and married.  I like to go out with my friends every so often for drinks or a movie or what have you.  I don't see why I should no longer have a life that doesn't always include my husband just because I got married.  We see each other every single day.  We have dinner together every night after work.  Our weekends are spent pretty much together for 48 hours straight.

Sometimes I need a break to talk about clothes or see a chick flick.  Every now and then my grad school girlfriends and I get together for margaritas after work.  And yes I have called my husband for a ride because after 2 drinks made by a heavy handed bar tender I didn't want to risk driving.  Some of us take drinking and driving very serious and wouldn't want to drive after even a glass of wine.  I think painting all drinking as "excessive" is painting ll people who enjoy a drink with a broad brush.

Luckily I am married to a man that treats me like an adult and not a child.

[Two Ravens]

It doesn't matter what my definition of "drunk" is because mine matches my husbands.   The issue is that the letter writer's expectations of behavior and his wife's don't match.

But the husband isn't even present, so how does he know?

Does it matter?  Presumably, his wife has told him about the parties, or else, how would he know?

He seems to have made one interesting assumption - that his wife would stop an established practice of socializing with her girlfriends/sister simply as a result of being married.  He may have made two.

I agree that he shouldn't have expected his wife to stop drinking with her friends simply because she got married.  And this is one of those things that should definitely be addressed before marriage.  But I don't see how the other is an assumption. I think we should just take the letter at face value.

The letter says "Drunk." The face value of "drunk" means different things to different people. And there is a lot of leeway in there.

I am 32 and married.  I like to go out with my friends every so often for drinks or a movie or what have you.  I don't see why I should no longer have a life that doesn't always include my husband just because I got married.  We see each other every single day.  We have dinner together every night after work.  Our weekends are spent pretty much together for 48 hours straight.

Sometimes I need a break to talk about clothes or see a chick flick.  Every now and then my grad school girlfriends and I get together for margaritas after work.  And yes I have called my husband for a ride because after 2 drinks made by a heavy handed bar tender I didn't want to risk driving.  Some of us take drinking and driving very serious and wouldn't want to drive after even a glass of wine.  I think painting all drinking as "excessive" is painting ll people who enjoy a drink with a broad brush.

Luckily I am married to a man that treats me like an adult and not a child.

Agreed!

[Magnet]

If my DH were to interfere with my GNOs, he would not be my DH.  I physically need to talk to women without DH around now and then. 

[siamesecat2965]

Yes, I'm annoyed by both the letter writer and Abby's response.

I have done similar things with girlfriend's, at most a couple of times a year, and not in some while, but it sounds as though the way we did this is like the letter writer's wife:  we'd plan to share a dinner at a friend's house, drink wine, and talk as long into the night as possible - then stay over night and leave in the morning.  No one ever got falling down drunk, staying the night was more a matter of being free to have more than one glass of wine *and* generally talking and enjoying collective company without worrying about being too tired or tipsy to drive home late.
 
 Total eye roll at his statement that he doesn't want to be a controlling husband and say she "can't" - he would clearly prefer that she read *his* mind and conform on her own.

I was annoyed by them both as well.  I'm 46 and maybe once or twice a year I'll "let loose" and get together with friends, and sometimes stay over.  Its' not always about the alcohol, but a lot of my friends live a good 45 mins or more from me.  And I don't drive well in the dark.  So I'll sometimes plan to stay over.  It also means I don't have to worry about having a second or even third glass of wine over the course of the evening, since all I'm doing is going upstairs!

And last week I got togther with the same group of friends, but came home. I had one glass of wine, and left several hours after that, so no harm done. But honestly, as I don't care to drive in the dark, sometiems I prefer to stay over.

I'm not married nor do I have an SO, but even if I did, if they had issues with this, they wouldn't be around for long!  The LW says she does this 2-3 times a year, hardly a habit, and it may be that they just enjoy making an evening and whatnot out of it. 

[buvezdevin]

It doesn't matter what my definition of "drunk" is because mine matches my husbands.   The issue is that the letter writer's expectations of behavior and his wife's don't match.

But the husband isn't even present, so how does he know?

Does it matter?  Presumably, his wife has told him about the parties, or else, how would he know?

He seems to have made one interesting assumption - that his wife would stop an established practice of socializing with her girlfriends/sister simply as a result of being married.  He may have made two.

I agree that he shouldn't have expected his wife to stop drinking with her friends simply because she got married.  And this is one of those things that should definitely be addressed before marriage.  But I don't see how the other is an assumption. I think we should just take the letter at face value.

Taking the letter at face value, the husband sums up his concern as "I don't understand why Her socializing always has to involve drinking and staying out all night".  He doesn't say she has a drinking problem, he refers to getting "drunk" twice but as others have noted, that term can cover a wide range of possible levels of intoxication.  I think we'd all agree that any issue/expectation he had regarding something he knew she infrequently, but regularly did would have been better discussed before the wedding.

Since he also refers to his wife getting angry and saying she doesn't get to see her friends often when he tries to discuss this now, it may be that the level of alcohol consumption is the issue or is a red herring (my vote is the latter) and he doesn't like her staying overnight.

[MariaE]

Well, I do think it's immature to drink for the sole reason of getting drunk. Drinking and having a great time and getting drunk as a consequence is a completely different thing. Still not my thing, but each to his/her own.

My husband goes out with friends a couple of times a year and sometimes ends up drunk. I don't understand him (I've been drunk all of one time in my life and it was such an unpleasant experience that I never want to repeat it), but I realize that's all on me, so I don't hold it against him.... much. How do I know he's drunk? He's hungover the next day. And that's what bothers me about him getting drunk - that it effectively ruins any plans/hopes I had for spending time with him the following day.

However, all this said, I'm still annoyed with Abby and the husband - even though I'm semi anti-getting-drunk myself. Because their reasons/arguments are all wrong.

[AllTheThings]

It doesn't matter what my definition of "drunk" is because mine matches my husbands.   The issue is that the letter writer's expectations of behavior and his wife's don't match.

But the husband isn't even present, so how does he know?

Does it matter?  Presumably, his wife has told him about the parties, or else, how would he know?

He seems to have made one interesting assumption - that his wife would stop an established practice of socializing with her girlfriends/sister simply as a result of being married.  He may have made two.

I agree that he shouldn't have expected his wife to stop drinking with her friends simply because she got married.  And this is one of those things that should definitely be addressed before marriage.  But I don't see how the other is an assumption. I think we should just take the letter at face value.

Taking the letter at face value, the husband sums up his concern as "I don't understand why Her socializing always has to involve drinking and staying out all night".  He doesn't say she has a drinking problem, he refers to getting "drunk" twice but as others have noted, that term can cover a wide range of possible levels of intoxication.  I think we'd all agree that any issue/expectation he had regarding something he knew she infrequently, but regularly did would have been better discussed before the wedding.

Since he also refers to his wife getting angry and saying she doesn't get to see her friends often when he tries to discuss this now, it may be that the level of alcohol consumption is the issue or is a red herring (my vote is the latter) and he doesn't like her staying overnight.

In the letter he specifically mentions her spending the night with her single friends. I think he shares Abby's opinion that married couples should be socializing together, and he is mad that she went without him. Abby responds that the wife is trying to hold on to "her carefree single days" which sounds kind of silly to me because married couples aren't attached at the hip and should be able to do things separately sometimes.

[AllTheThings]

One thing I'd like to point out is that the wife is in grad school. I have it on good authority that if you don't let loose once in awhile during grad school you are very likely to end up insane.