Is anyone else bothered by the husband's and Dear Abby's attitude?

[Cz. Burrito]

I think the drinking is a red herring here. 

I suspect that what he actually objects to is the slumber parties, which sound like pre-planned slumber parties as opposed to "oops, I drank too much and can't drive home now."  If the latter were happening more than once...ever...I could see that being a problem.  If you expect your spouse to come home and they don't due to their own poor planning, that's something to get miffed over.  But if the plan was "I'm staying over at Susie's house on Saturday night for a girls' night," then that shouldn't be a problem.

It sounds like he might be the sort of person who thinks that his spouse shouldn't be having overnights with friends.  That's something that he must have failed to communicate prior to the marriage.  And that's his own fault.  It's not particularly fair to demand that she stop socializing in the way that she did before now that they're married unless he made that expectation clear up front.

[NotTheNarcissist]

Going against the flow here. In this situation, strictly based on the letter as the husband wrote it & not reading into various definitions of drunk or whatnot, I agree with Abby on each point. Abby is getting slammed, but she never said that GNO are out of the question once married. I love GNO myself, but to flip the situation around, I would not want my husband to get drunk & stay overnight @ friends with the exception of a long ride home. I know I'm old-fashioned. Yes widening their social circle as she mentioned would help; IMO this is a natural part of growing up. Background info: my husband & I are very committed to making our marriage work & are willing to work on areas we disagree. He strongly supports my GNO because he knows it means a lot me but if that were to change we would come to an amicable compromise like we alwaya do. One divorce was enough for each of us - so we work hard on our marriage, maybe harder than most.

[Hmmmmm]

One thing I'd like to point out is that the wife is in grad school. I have it on good authority that if you don't let loose once in awhile during grad school you are very likely to end up insane.

I know several people with graduate degrees who survived with out finding the need to go out and get drunk.  They found stress relievers in other areas.

[AllTheThings]

One thing I'd like to point out is that the wife is in grad school. I have it on good authority that if you don't let loose once in awhile during grad school you are very likely to end up insane.

I know several people with graduate degrees who survived with out finding the need to go out and get drunk.  They found stress relievers in other areas.

I didn't say get drunk, I said "let loose"

[Horace]

I'm 23 and will often have sleepovers with friends where alcohol is involved, maybe 4 or 5 times a year in total.  For us, the sleepover is part of the night; we all get into our pyjamas and watch films in bed with wine and chocolate/popcorn. We've never passed out from drinking but we've had a couple of glasses of wine each and it's just sensible to stay over instead of driving.  Getting public transport or a taxi home is out of the question as it's either not available or far too expensive.  We also only see each other a few times a year because of work/university/other commitments so like to spend as much time together as possible when we actually do get together.

I've been drunk after having one glass of wine on an empty stomach and I've been drunk after drinking a couple of bottles of wine in an evening - there is a complete difference.  Both the letter writer and Dear Abby seem to be under the impression that the girls have passed out after drinking a couple of bottles of wine each and I'm willing to bet that they're wrong.

I see nothing wrong with people having a few drinks, or even getting completely drunk as long as they're responsible about it (don't drive, can get home safely, clear up any mess they make) and don't do it frequently.  As long as their live choices aren't affecting me, it's none of my business.  I don't like smoking but I'd never be as rude as to tell my smoking friends to grow out of their "phase". 

Plenty of adults are able to drink responsibly, not everyone is a raging alcoholic and I find it frustrating that people (like Abby) are unable to understand that.

[Cat-Fu]

As I read through this thread, I keep thinking about the party I'm going to Halloween weekend, in which I am 100% certain that the majority of attendees will be pleasantly plastered. They are also mostly around my grandparents' age, so I question whether occasionally and "immaturely" letting loose is really such an enormous deal.

/says the old woman who is too drunk to drive and then hung over after 2 beers 

I am having a bit of trouble sympathizing at all with the LW. Whenever my DH wants a guys' night out, I can't push him out the door fast enough. I love having our place to myself once in a while. Sometimes I do girlytime sleepovers, and honestly if my DH wanted those to stop then he'd be sorely disappointed.

[AllTheThings]

As I read through this thread, I keep thinking about the party I'm going to Halloween weekend, in which I am 100% certain that the majority of attendees will be pleasantly plastered. They are also mostly around my grandparents' age, so I question whether occasionally and "immaturely" letting loose is really such an enormous deal.

/says the old woman who is too drunk to drive and then hung over after 2 beers 

I am having a bit of trouble sympathizing at all with the LW. Whenever my DH wants a guys' night out, I can't push him out the door fast enough. I love having our place to myself once in a while. Sometimes I do girlytime sleepovers, and honestly if my DH wanted those to stop then he'd be sorely disappointed.

When I'm my grandparents' age, I'm going to be that person who gets drunk, wreaks havoc all over the nursing home, and then pretends to be senile to get out of punishment.

[Cat-Fu]

As I read through this thread, I keep thinking about the party I'm going to Halloween weekend, in which I am 100% certain that the majority of attendees will be pleasantly plastered. They are also mostly around my grandparents' age, so I question whether occasionally and "immaturely" letting loose is really such an enormous deal.

/says the old woman who is too drunk to drive and then hung over after 2 beers 

I am having a bit of trouble sympathizing at all with the LW. Whenever my DH wants a guys' night out, I can't push him out the door fast enough. I love having our place to myself once in a while. Sometimes I do girlytime sleepovers, and honestly if my DH wanted those to stop then he'd be sorely disappointed.

When I'm my grandparents' age, I'm going to be that person who gets drunk, wreaks havoc all over the nursing home, and then pretends to be senile to get out of punishment.

lol!!

[Eden]

I don't think drinking in this fashion is necessarily "immature," but it is something that lots of people do while young and stop doing when they get older, so it can certainly feel that way to people who don't drink.

True. I think the labeling of the behavior as immature is the major issue for me. It IS associated with younger people because many people do it less as they get older. For me, I do it less because as I get older, my recovery gets longer and longer. What is funny to me is the same is true of other physically taxing activities. Nobody tsk tsks an older person who pursues distance running or downhill skiing even though it's arguably easier and less taxing on a younger body. I guess I don't understand why this one activity is somehow reserved for the young and anybody who wants to drink to the point of drunk is immature even if they do so responsibly and infrequently.

[violinp]

I really thought the LW and Abby got it all wrong.

Do I drink a lot? No. I can't drink a lot - I get silly after a glass and a half of wine. Would I be in a serious rel@tionship with/marry a man who liked to drink a lot? No, because I couldn't enjoy the things he does. However, there is nothing wrong with letting your* SO, even a spouse, go out with friends, have fun, and drink alcohol. I, however, would be furious if my husband got well and truly soused and didn't come home when I expected him to, or drove home when he was impaired.

If the wife informs her husband of her plans (including spending the night), then I think the husband worries too much about his wife's maturity and needs to focus on the maturity of a man who gets upset because his wife has parties with friends that involve alcohol and her spending the night at a friend's house.

*general you

[Roe]

It sounds as if many are getting defensive.  If people like getting drunk every weekend, so be it, but that's not the point.

The point is that the LW doesn't like it.  That doesn't make him a control freak.  And it's pretty understandable for a husband (or wife) not to like it if their spouse displayed this type of behavior.  For those that don't care if their spouse gets drunk every night...again, fine. 

Point is, this husband doesn't like it.  And when he tries talking about it with his wife, she gets angry and defensive.  I am in the minority here but I think Abby's advice was pretty spot on.

[Mental Magpie]

It sounds as if many are getting defensive.  If people like getting drunk every weekend, so be it, but that's not the point.

The point is that the LW doesn't like it.  That doesn't make him a control freak.  And it's pretty understandable for a husband (or wife) not to like it if their spouse displayed this type of behavior.  For those that don't care if their spouse gets drunk every night...again, fine. 

Point is, this husband doesn't like it.  And when he tries talking about it with his wife, she gets angry and defensive.  I am in the minority here but I think Abby's advice was pretty spot on.

She gets angry and defensive, I'm sure, because she also thinks he is being unreasonable.

[Sharnita]

From the letter:

She likes to go out with a group of her friends from high school or with her sister and her sister's friends, get drunk and stay the night.

For me getting drunk is drinking too much. Add that to doing it several times a year and it's just too much.

What is "getting drunk" to you? Being tipsy? Buzzed? I doubt they are blowing into a BAC meter to judge...

It doesn't matter what my definition of "drunk" is because mine matches my husbands.   The issue is that the letter writer's expectations of behavior and his wife's don't match.

But the husband isn't even present, so how does he know?

I assume his wife explains the reason she didn't come home was that she was too drunk

[AllTheThings]

From the letter:

She likes to go out with a group of her friends from high school or with her sister and her sister's friends, get drunk and stay the night.

For me getting drunk is drinking too much. Add that to doing it several times a year and it's just too much.

What is "getting drunk" to you? Being tipsy? Buzzed? I doubt they are blowing into a BAC meter to judge...

It doesn't matter what my definition of "drunk" is because mine matches my husbands.   The issue is that the letter writer's expectations of behavior and his wife's don't match.

But the husband isn't even present, so how does he know?

I assume his wife explains the reason she didn't come home was that she was too drunk

Unless the wife says what she drank, how much she had, how strong it was, and how she acted afterwards, nobody knows what being drunk means. It also might have been the plan to stay over, regardless of drunkenness.

[AllTheThings]

It sounds as if many are getting defensive.  If people like getting drunk every weekend, so be it, but that's not the point.

The point is that the LW doesn't like it.  That doesn't make him a control freak.  And it's pretty understandable for a husband (or wife) not to like it if their spouse displayed this type of behavior.  For those that don't care if their spouse gets drunk every night...again, fine. 

Point is, this husband doesn't like it.  And when he tries talking about it with his wife, she gets angry and defensive.  I am in the minority here but I think Abby's advice was pretty spot on.

I just don't see why this is immature just because alcohol and sleeping over is involved. Why is it immature to go out once in awhile and have a good time?