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Author Topic: It's time for a change with FMIL  (Read 10593 times)

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Re: It's time for a change with FMIL
« Reply #30 on: October 18, 2012, 08:52:12 PM »
In the short term, instead of blinds, try this window film.   I use it on my bathroom windows rather than window treatments.  if it's applied correctly it looks like it's really frosted glass (if that is the one you choose, some of the faux stained glass is nice too.)

But yeah, don't feel bad your FMIL drives 30-40 minutes to your home uninvited.  That is her choice, she's been warned and is ignoring your wishes.  Go to the Hardware store, I think it takes about 20 minutes to properly apply the film.  It's been on my windows for 8 years now.

I've used this on second story Gothic arch windows (lovely feature on the front porch - impossible to get window treatments for) so that we don't have to be fully dressed when going up & down the stairs in the entry hall (very visible from outside - especially at night with the lights on inside).  I've got "stained glass" on an inner pointed window and "frosted glass" on the outer windows - it looks much nicer from the street than a guy in boxers running across from the office to the hall powder room or to the kitchen for a snack....

I've also seen people using something similar on windows that are in their garage - more light in the garage and no way for potential intruders to know what is in there.........
Let sleeping dragons be.......morning breath......need I explain?

White Lotus

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Re: It's time for a change with FMIL
« Reply #31 on: October 19, 2012, 02:29:15 AM »
TealDragon, I am so sorry all this is happening to you, and will send you and your horse all the virtual support I can. A close friend  told me that the hardest part of dealing with this kind of major health issue was that other people either wanted to hear all the gory details all the time, with an avid and often quite offensive interest, or all they wanted to hear was "Fine" and expected her to take care of them emotionally. People also did not understand how utterly sick and exhausted she was, all the time, no matter how often she told them, and kept wanting her to do things and more or less entertain them when she could barely move and was almost always sick to her stomach.  She DID recover, and you will, too.
I think what might work is telling FMIL that you really could use her help if she would come over on Specified Day and clean the house, maybe when DF is home to help her, do the laundry and cook for the week so you can rest. When she comes, go into your room and shut the door, and tell her you will come out when you are rested, thank her generously for her help, and put on headphones.  LOCK the door, too.  I would also tell her, AND have DF tell her, very specifically, that you point-blank do not want to discuss your illness or treatments because doing so makes you sick to your stomach.  SOME people may like talking about it all the time, but YOU DO NOT.  Wording has been posted by several PPs.  Be firm, and divert sharply. 
The rest of the time let the phones go to voice mail and do not answer the door.  Have DF put that film on the windows for both of you.  You are probably too exhausted to even contemplate doing it yourself.  You CAN have DF tell her you need to sleep almost all the time you are not at work or being treated, and that you simply must do the above, except on Specified Day. Interaction exhausts you.
Do what you need to do to get through this. Be kind and gentle with yourself, and ruthless with others.  You will get through it, and much better, this way.  And there is nothing rude about it.


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Re: It's time for a change with FMIL
« Reply #32 on: October 19, 2012, 07:44:09 AM »
I also wonder if this is an Introvert vs. Extrovert issue.  If you are an introvert, you may get recharged and rested by spending time not around people.  You spend your energy on being with people.  If she is an Extrovert, then she may get energized by being around people.  She may assume what would work for her would work for you.


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Re: It's time for a change with FMIL
« Reply #33 on: October 21, 2012, 12:07:27 AM »
I don't want to offend her but I really just need a bit more space. Even my own mom has talked to her about this! They are very friendly and my mom just mentioned in passing that she knows how I am when I'm sick and how I really value my space and privacy and just like to hole up alone and come back when I feel better.
FMIL's response was to say that that isn't a healthy method for dealing with problems and she doesn't think it's fair that she should have to call before coming to her own son's house and if he doesn't care, then I shouldn't either.

This actually disturbs me, she does not have the right to judge how you should deal with things, and it's really condescending of her to assume that she knows the only 'right' way.

Also, why put on makeup, etc. maybe she thinks you are doing better than you are because you are putting on a good face. What if she saw how you really feel, and you tell her honestly that you can't make the effort anymore for her as it's too draining.
I had friends who needed help and parents would come and stay to help, they rushed round trying to tidy and everything and were exhausted and the parents didn't realise how much help they really needed. Then they just stopped, let the parents see normal life, and they were pleased to help with things - it ended up a win-win.


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Re: It's time for a change with FMIL
« Reply #34 on: October 21, 2012, 03:50:21 AM »
Even Pollyanna got rid of unwanted guests by showing them how things really were, and she was a very polite young lady!