IMO this is like skipping a wedding and going to the reception.

[philliesphan]

In a couple of weeks I'll be running the NYC Marathon (eeee!).

I've run marathons before and having people to cheer you on really makes a difference. I find that the miles don't hurt so much when you're thinking about who you're going to see next. So, as a thank you to my friends who are coming out to cheer for me during the race, I'm hosting a dinner at a restaurant that night.

I sent out an Evite for said dinner, and asked people who RSVPed yes to let me know where they'd be during the race so I know where to look for them. One friend, who's not super close but whom I see now and then, responded that she couldn't make it to cheer, and that she had RSVPed yes for dinner.

I'm kind of annoyed by this. To me it's like a wedding -- if invited to both, you can attend the ceremony and not the reception, but vice versa is rude because it says, "your important rite isn't important enough for me to attend, but I'm happy to drink your champagne." I realize she has a valid excuse for not being able to cheer (she has to work), but I don't think she should have said yes to dinner.

It feels rude to uninvite her or to tell her I'm treating only for those who will actually be present during the race, though. (FWIW, the language of the Evite does say "if you cheer for me, I'll buy you dinner," although it doesn't say "if and only if you cheer for me, I'll buy you dinner.") Is she being rude or should I just get over it?

[jedikaiti]

Maybe. I'll let other people weigh in on that part.

I am betting, however, that she's thinking that she wants to support you in this endeavor, and since she can't be at the race for a very good reason, she'll come to the dinner to congratulate you on a job well done.

Personally, I'd be thinking like that (well, the first part anyway), but I wouldn't plan on going to the dinner either unless, when I RSVPd negative with my reason ("gotta work during the race, but I'll be cheering you on from my desk!"), the host replied inviting me to come to the dinner anyway.

[Betelnut]

You invited her so I can't see it as rude.  Perhaps you should have held off and only invited the people that showed up to cheer?

[SamiHami]

Dear Friend,

I am so sorry but there has been a misunderstanding. I am hosting the dinner for people who are actually attending the marathon and who will be at designated spots so that they can encourage me along the way. This is a thank you dinner for them.

I am so sorry that you have to work and cannot attend the marathon and I know your good thoughts and encouragement will be with me in spirit.

Let's make plans to get together soon!

Thanks,
Philliesphan

[Roe]

You invited, she accepted.

I also think she's just trying to be supportive.

[Sharnita]

To me the dinner would be to honor you. I think being along the  route of a race has a lot.of logistical issues that just don't exist with a wedding. Let's face it, you are not going to be providing seating, the amount of time they see you in no way  resembles a wedding, etc. I have stood along race routes cheering for people I love and have been to weddings. I can't say I found the experiences remotely similar.

[buvezdevin]

I completely see your point of view, what would possibly make a difference in your options for speaking to this friend is how you worded your evite.

If it said something like "inviting you all to be cheering support for me during the race, and would love to have a dinner celebration with those of you who do cheer..." then you have an out to clarify to your friend that the dinner invitation was for those who could and would be your race support.

If it said something which didn't link the dinner invitation to the request for cheering support, then it would be more understandable that this friend who can only join the dinner still wishes to do so as a celebration of your race accomplishment.

[Shoo]

Dear Friend,

I am so sorry but there has been a misunderstanding. I am hosting the dinner for people who are actually attending the marathon and who will be at designated spots so that they can encourage me along the way. This is a thank you dinner for them.

I am so sorry that you have to work and cannot attend the marathon and I know your good thoughts and encouragement will be with me in spirit.

Let's make plans to get together soon!

Thanks,
Philliesphan

I agree with this. 

[Bluenomi]

I think it's a bit rude of her to go and get a free meal when she hasn't done anything to deserve it.

[Nebraska Jones]

Dear Friend,

I am so sorry but there has been a misunderstanding. I am hosting the dinner for people who are actually attending the marathon and who will be at designated spots so that they can encourage me along the way. This is a thank you dinner for them.

I am so sorry that you have to work and cannot attend the marathon and I know your good thoughts and encouragement will be with me in spirit.

Let's make plans to get together soon!

Thanks,
Philliesphan

Are you paying for dinner?  If not the above seems really harsh to me.

Also, is the race in the morning (as most marathons are)?  If it is that would make it a lot more difficult to attend both as you would have a chunk in the middle of the day but be expected to attend both in the morning and evening.

I guess I'm in the minority but I just wouldn't see it as a big deal and would be happy to have my friend join for dinner.

[newbiePA]

I'm a marathoner and triathlete, and I've NEVER heard of providing people with a meal so you have designated cheerers along the race course. For the NYC marathon, spectator logistics can be tough.  I'm sorry, but the whole situation sounds a little SS.  But best of luck on your race!!

[Shoo]

Dear Friend,

I am so sorry but there has been a misunderstanding. I am hosting the dinner for people who are actually attending the marathon and who will be at designated spots so that they can encourage me along the way. This is a thank you dinner for them.

I am so sorry that you have to work and cannot attend the marathon and I know your good thoughts and encouragement will be with me in spirit.

Let's make plans to get together soon!

Thanks,
Philliesphan

Are you paying for dinner?  If not the above seems really harsh to me.

Also, is the race in the morning (as most marathons are)?  If it is that would make it a lot more difficult to attend both as you would have a chunk in the middle of the day but be expected to attend both in the morning and evening.

I guess I'm in the minority but I just wouldn't see it as a big deal and would be happy to have my friend join for dinner.

She said in the OP that she's hosting, so yes, she is paying.  The dinner is a "thank you" for supporting her during the marathon.  If someone can't do the thing the thank you dinner is for, you think she should still get the thank you dinner?

[Sharnita]

Honestly, I think it depends why they can't to some extent.  As somebody pointed out, this is an entire day between the marathon and dinner so one reason they might not be able to is the time commitment.  Another i that they might not be able to physically manage it large crowds, no seating, etc.

[lady_disdain]

I think your original invitation may not have been very clear and she thought it was a dinner invitation. I am not sure how I would have interpreted a "Dinner invitation for those who cheer me".

Next time (next year, hopefully!), I would recommend that you invite people to watch the race and cheer you on. Once people confirm that, let them know about the thank you dinner. There will be a lot less confusion.

[Sharnita]

I think your original invitation may not have been very clear and she thought it was a dinner invitation. I am not sure how I would have interpreted a "Dinner invitation for those who cheer me".

Next time (next year, hopefully!), I would recommend that you invite people to watch the race and cheer you on. Once people confirm that, let them know about the thank you dinner. There will be a lot less confusion.

Honestly, I would read that as anyone pulling for you whether they were there in person or not.  And I would assume it was more celebratory than a reward.

Out of curiosity, what would you do if somebody showed up for dinner and claimed they were along the route and you didn't see them?