IMO this is like skipping a wedding and going to the reception.

[kareng57]

I think your original invitation may not have been very clear and she thought it was a dinner invitation. I am not sure how I would have interpreted a "Dinner invitation for those who cheer me".

Next time (next year, hopefully!), I would recommend that you invite people to watch the race and cheer you on. Once people confirm that, let them know about the thank you dinner. There will be a lot less confusion.

Honestly, I would read that as anyone pulling for you whether they were there in person or not.  And I would assume it was more celebratory than a reward.

Out of curiosity, what would you do if somebody showed up for dinner and claimed they were along the route and you didn't see them?

I agree - I think "cheer you" could be easily interpreted as "good thoughts".  I guess OP is free to make the situation clear to the RSVPer, but it's hard for me to see a response to this as anything other than "since you couldn't be bothered"...

And re weddings - many are on Saturday afternoons, a time when many young people are working retail and really can't get the time off, no matter how much they might try.  I would never begrudge a guest attending the reception but not the ceremony in these circumstances.

[Nebraska Jones]

Dear Friend,

I am so sorry but there has been a misunderstanding. I am hosting the dinner for people who are actually attending the marathon and who will be at designated spots so that they can encourage me along the way. This is a thank you dinner for them.

I am so sorry that you have to work and cannot attend the marathon and I know your good thoughts and encouragement will be with me in spirit.

Let's make plans to get together soon!

Thanks,
Philliesphan

Are you paying for dinner?  If not the above seems really harsh to me.

Also, is the race in the morning (as most marathons are)?  If it is that would make it a lot more difficult to attend both as you would have a chunk in the middle of the day but be expected to attend both in the morning and evening.

I guess I'm in the minority but I just wouldn't see it as a big deal and would be happy to have my friend join for dinner.

She said in the OP that she's hosting, so yes, she is paying.  The dinner is a "thank you" for supporting her during the marathon.  If someone can't do the thing the thank you dinner is for, you think she should still get the thank you dinner?

Well, it's tough to say because I've never heard of anything like this before.  I've had close friends run in marathons but I haven't been invited to watch them run by.  I guess I don't get it if I may be completely honest (and I think it's no where close to being comparable to a wedding reception).

So to answer your question I do think the friend should be invited to the dinner if she didn't go to the race.  She is taking time out of her schedule to have a celebratory dinner for something that usually isn't celebrated to that extent (but the free dinner does make that less black and white).

[Tabby Uprising]

I think your original invitation may not have been very clear and she thought it was a dinner invitation. I am not sure how I would have interpreted a "Dinner invitation for those who cheer me".

Next time (next year, hopefully!), I would recommend that you invite people to watch the race and cheer you on. Once people confirm that, let them know about the thank you dinner. There will be a lot less confusion.

This is along the lines of what I think.  First, many marathon congratulations to you!  Second, I do see what you are saying, but unlike wedding etiquette, marathon-support-dinner etiquette is probably lesser known.  It's common to attend weddings, but less so marathon celebration dinners.  I can see where a guest might be confused about what is expected of them.  They might not realize it truly is a two-part invitation and the first invite is a prerequisite for the second half. 

[Sharnita]

I think your original invitation may not have been very clear and she thought it was a dinner invitation. I am not sure how I would have interpreted a "Dinner invitation for those who cheer me".

Next time (next year, hopefully!), I would recommend that you invite people to watch the race and cheer you on. Once people confirm that, let them know about the thank you dinner. There will be a lot less confusion.

Honestly, I would read that as anyone pulling for you whether they were there in person or not.  And I would assume it was more celebratory than a reward.

Out of curiosity, what would you do if somebody showed up for dinner and claimed they were along the route and you didn't see them?

I agree - I think "cheer you" could be easily interpreted as "good thoughts".  I guess OP is free to make the situation clear to the RSVPer, but it's hard for me to see a response to this as anything other than "since you couldn't be bothered"...

And re weddings - many are on Saturday afternoons, a time when many young people are working retail and really can't get the time off, no matter how much they might try.  I would never begrudge a guest attending the reception but not the ceremony in these circumstances.

And people complain about a gap of a few hours between ceremony and reception.  If the timing wen as long as the begininning of the marathon to an evening dinner we'd be talking a lot bigger gap.

[O'Dell]

I don't think it is rude for someone who can't make the wedding ceremony to attend the reception. If they can't witness the ceremony, at least they can drink to and break bread with the happy couple. And I don't think it's rude for your friend to attend the dinner when she has to work during the marathon.

To me it sounds like you resent paying for someone's dinner when you didn't get cheers in return. I hope I'm reading you wrong. I would have interpreted your invitation as a celebration of your accomplishment, but your explanation sounds like you are seeing it as payback for them cheering for you.

And what about people who supported you while you trained?

[yokozbornak]

I can understand your annoyance, but you sent her an invitation to dinner.  Since she was actually invited, why wouldn't she assume that she is welcome to attend?  I think disinviting her would be rude.

[philliesphan]

I'm not trying to be a SS and say "ZOMG everyone I know must come out and cheer for me!" I certainly don't think a marathon carries the same weight as a wedding in terms of hoping your friends will be there and being disappointed when they aren't. (On the other hand, a lot of New Yorkers, myself included when I am not running the race myself, come out and cheer even when they don't know anyone who's running that year, just because it's fun to encourage people in that way.)

I'm trying to thank the people who do. They are free to come, or not. But yes, I'm paying for dinner. That's why I'm annoyed. I'm buying dinner out of gratitude for the boost I get from the cheering. So...if she's not going to cheer, it seems presumptuous to me to come for the free meal.

And, I was paraphrasing myself earlier. The actual wording was, "if you cheer for me somewhere along the course, I'll buy you dinner at XXX restaurant." I suppose my mistake was in sending the Evite to all and sundry. Maybe I should have just emailed around asking, "is anyone going to be on the marathon course?" and invited only those who answered yes.

That being said, I'll try to think of this as she's happy for me and wants to get together.

[Sharnita]

Has she said anything encouraging on fb or anywhere else? Can you find a boost from that?

[buvezdevin]

I'm not trying to be a SS and say "ZOMG everyone I know must come out and cheer for me!" I certainly don't think a marathon carries the same weight as a wedding in terms of hoping your friends will be there and being disappointed when they aren't. (On the other hand, a lot of New Yorkers, myself included when I am not running the race myself, come out and cheer even when they don't know anyone who's running that year, just because it's fun to encourage people in that way.)

I'm trying to thank the people who do. They are free to come, or not. But yes, I'm paying for dinner. That's why I'm annoyed. I'm buying dinner out of gratitude for the boost I get from the cheering. So...if she's not going to cheer, it seems presumptuous to me to come for the free meal.

And, I was paraphrasing myself earlier. The actual wording was, "if you cheer for me somewhere along the course, I'll buy you dinner at XXX restaurant." I suppose my mistake was in sending the Evite to all and sundry. Maybe I should have just emailed around asking, "is anyone going to be on the marathon course?" and invited only those who answered yes.

That being said, I'll try to think of this as she's happy for me and wants to get together.

Well, I think your invitation wording was pretty clear, your invitation is not for a celebration so much as a thank you for cheering support along the course.  Which I think is a lovely gesture from you to those who come and cheer.  She can't come cheer due to work - understandable - but myself, I would clarify to her the dinner is, as indicated, for those who *do* cheer along the course.

  Part of the reason I would clarify this to her is to avoid a situation where others you sent the evite to, who also can't be ther to cheer long the course and therefore do not accept the dinner invite don't feel that they missed a celebration, and also to prevent your dinner guest list from ultimately including everyone whether to not they are cheering along the course - which was clearly not your intent.

[LifeOnPluto]

Given that the wording of your email was clear, I think your friend was cheeky to RVSP "yes" to the free dinner.

I think it would have been less rude to have asked you "I'm terribly sorry; I can't watch you run because I have to work. But I'd still like to attend the dinner and wish you well. Would that be ok? Otherwise, I'll buy you lunch/a drink /etc next time we catch up."

As for what you can do now, I personally don't think it would be rude if you gently tell her that dinner is conditional upon watching you race. But be prepared that it may affect your friendship.

[SingActDance]

I think she believes that the dinner is celebratory, and that you are treating for those who will be at the race. She probably thinks she can come to the dinner and pay her own way, and just wants to be there to congratulate you.

OP, do you know she is coming with the expectation of you paying for her dinner? I would definitely interpret the invite as, "Everyone come celebrate my completing the marathon! And if you can make it to the race to cheer me, I'll buy your dinner."

[Allyson]

Well, I definitely do see your point of view. You're giving a thank-you dinner to people who helped you with something. It'd be like if I bought dinner for friends who helped me move, then one of their significant others came along, and I felt I was expected to pay for them, too.

However, I would lay money on her thoughts being 'oh, too bad I can't come cheer her on, but I'd love to catch up with everyone and say congrats in person!' rather than 'mwee hee hee! Free dinner! And I don't have to go to the race because I have a valid work-related excuse!' She likely just skimmed the invitation or didn't think too deeply about what the wording meant (that you'd be paying.)

With that in mind, I wouldn't uninvite her, because I think it would make more bad feelings than it's worth.

[Deetee]

I think your original invitation may not have been very clear and she thought it was a dinner invitation. I am not sure how I would have interpreted a "Dinner invitation for those who cheer me".

Next time (next year, hopefully!), I would recommend that you invite people to watch the race and cheer you on. Once people confirm that, let them know about the thank you dinner. There will be a lot less confusion.

Honestly, I would read that as anyone pulling for you whether they were there in person or not.  And I would assume it was more celebratory than a reward.

Me too. OP I know you clarified that your email said "If you cheer for me along the course.." but even with that, I simply wouldn't expect that a friend of mine would mean that. My apologies for the harshness, but it would be a ridiculous thought that cheering gets me dinner in some sort of quid pro quo. I just wouldn't get that. When you posted your post, I had to read twice to understand what the friend had done wrong because it made no sense to me.

I would just read it as "Come celebrate after my marathon!" with cheering being more of a "sending good thoughts and maybe an email in the morning". If I had to work, but wanted to support you, I would still RSVP "yes" as that is cheering someone on in my mind. It would simply not compute that anyone really would pay for people to come cheer them specifically.

I agree that people cheering is a great lift when you are running, but specific people cheering is a bit much. Also, it's simply unrealistic. I went to cheer my husband on a half marathon on a not terribly busy course. I had some helium balloons of specific colour so he could see me. I also GPS tracked his phone so I knew where he was.  I never saw him. He never saw me.

I'm not saying that you can't make it clear that the dinner is only for people who cheer you, but that is mainly because I think anyone can issue any invite for anything as long as they don't guilt people who decline.

[buvezdevin]

Deetee, where I disagree with you is that whether your husband saw you cheering him, or whether OP sees friends who tell her they will be there to cheer her - you and some of OP's friend made/will make a special effort to be there cheering.  It is a different level of support, and effort than someone who may very much wish a runner well, but isn't actually present on the course to do so.

I think it's also different to host a meal to celebrate running a marathon vs. hosting a meal to thank friends for sharing that experience by being present to cheer, whether or not the runner actually sees them cheering - and either one is great, but they aren't the same.

I don't see anything to suggest OP guilting anyone, just wanting to clarify to one friend who misunderstood the invitation.

[kareng57]

I'm not trying to be a SS and say "ZOMG everyone I know must come out and cheer for me!" I certainly don't think a marathon carries the same weight as a wedding in terms of hoping your friends will be there and being disappointed when they aren't. (On the other hand, a lot of New Yorkers, myself included when I am not running the race myself, come out and cheer even when they don't know anyone who's running that year, just because it's fun to encourage people in that way.)

I'm trying to thank the people who do. They are free to come, or not. But yes, I'm paying for dinner. That's why I'm annoyed. I'm buying dinner out of gratitude for the boost I get from the cheering. So...if she's not going to cheer, it seems presumptuous to me to come for the free meal.

And, I was paraphrasing myself earlier. The actual wording was, "if you cheer for me somewhere along the course, I'll buy you dinner at XXX restaurant." I suppose my mistake was in sending the Evite to all and sundry. Maybe I should have just emailed around asking, "is anyone going to be on the marathon course?" and invited only those who answered yes.

That being said, I'll try to think of this as she's happy for me and wants to get together.

Okay, but keep in mind that you were the one who made the analogy to a wedding, initially.

Even with your clarified invitation, I can still see that some folks might interpret as "be there to cheer with me in spirit".  Or, maybe she'd be working in downtown NY that day and figured that every half-hour or so she'd lean out the window to cheer on the marathoners. I agree with a PP - if you were firm as to "physical" cheerleaders, you should have made it clear that they had to be at an assigned place/time.  And even then - how are you really going to police-this?  Another PP mentioned that she never saw her own husband at a marathon, even when she was trying to do so.