Author Topic: IMO this is like skipping a wedding and going to the reception.  (Read 12540 times)

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LilacRosey

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I understand why you are hurt by I agreewith some of the other people before me that I dont think she meant any harm and was actually trying to support you!Good luck with the marathon I hope you win!

buvezdevin

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Re: IMO this is like skipping a wedding and going to the reception.
« Reply #31 on: October 17, 2012, 11:20:45 PM »
I don't see anything confusing or ambiguous in the OP's phrasing of inviting those who cheer "along the course".  Others seem to, and the friend who says she can't be there to cheer but will be at the dinner may have a similar misunderstanding.  I don't think the OP would be out of line, rude, or even less than gracious to explain to her friend exactly what the invitation said and meant.

Never refuse to do a kindness unless the act would work great injury to yourself, and never refuse to take a drink -- under any circumstances.
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Deetee

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Re: IMO this is like skipping a wedding and going to the reception.
« Reply #32 on: October 17, 2012, 11:23:10 PM »
Deetee, where I disagree with you is that whether your husband saw you cheering him, or whether OP sees friends who tell her they will be there to cheer her - you and some of OP's friend made/will make a special effort to be there cheering.  It is a different level of support, and effort than someone who may very much wish a runner well, but isn't actually present on the course to do so.

I think it's also different to host a meal to celebrate running a marathon vs. hosting a meal to thank friends for sharing that experience by being present to cheer, whether or not the runner actually sees them cheering - and either one is great, but they aren't the same.

I don't see anything to suggest OP guilting anyone, just wanting to clarify to one friend who misunderstood the invitation.

I think my main point (that I think you agree with from the last sentence) is that this is very likely a misunderstanding on the part of the friend. I was trying to say that there is an excellent chance that I would misunderstand the invite personally, especially if I was just glancing at the invite. I don't see this as "friend trying to scam a free meal" but "friend supporting her marathon running friend".

sparksals

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Re: IMO this is like skipping a wedding and going to the reception.
« Reply #33 on: October 17, 2012, 11:50:59 PM »
I also think the invitation was pretty clear and that the friend probably mis-stepped in responding in the affirmative.  She could very well think she has to pay for her own dinner and may be quite embarrassed when she realizes it is a hosted event.    I can see why the OP is miffed.   However, it would be rude to disinvite her.

Calypso

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Re: IMO this is like skipping a wedding and going to the reception.
« Reply #34 on: October 18, 2012, 12:27:11 AM »
Another aspect of this is that the idea of what matters to athletes might not be well understood by a non-athlete.

Until you said that sometimes the sound of people cheering for you made you forget how tired you were, it honestly never occurred to me that a runner would much notice, or care, if they were being cheered for during the run. I'm such a non-athlete that, while I can just barely imagine running a race, in my imagination I'm so inwardly-focused that I wouldn't notice anything around me.

But, I would sure enjoy having my friends celebrating my achievement with me afterward!

I strongly suspect it never occurred to your friend that her presence at your after-party would be anything but welcome to you. I hope you can let go of your negative feelings about her acceptance of your information, have a great run and a great dinner party.

MariaE

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Re: IMO this is like skipping a wedding and going to the reception.
« Reply #35 on: October 18, 2012, 12:51:57 AM »
I don't see anything confusing or ambiguous in the OP's phrasing of inviting those who cheer "along the course".  Others seem to, and the friend who says she can't be there to cheer but will be at the dinner may have a similar misunderstanding.  I don't think the OP would be out of line, rude, or even less than gracious to explain to her friend exactly what the invitation said and meant.

Neither. I thought it perfectly clear. The only ambiguity I could perhaps see would be "Come celebrate with me. I'll pay for the ones who cheered me on along the course. The rest of you are on your own." Alas, I can't see any polite way to clarify whether your friend thought that.

As for disinviting her - I don't think it would be rude and I like the phrasing from the first page, but it probably would affect the friendship.
 
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TootsNYC

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Re: IMO this is like skipping a wedding and going to the reception.
« Reply #36 on: October 18, 2012, 08:08:52 AM »
If someone came here and said, "i was invited to a wedding--ceremony and reception. I can't get to the ceremony--is it rude to go just to the reception?"

I know I'd say, "No, it's not.

Next time, separate the invitations. First invite people to cheer for you.Then when someone declares that they are going to do so, you can tell them about the dinner.

secretrebel

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Re: IMO this is like skipping a wedding and going to the reception.
« Reply #37 on: October 18, 2012, 08:09:37 AM »
I thought it was perfectly clear that the dinner is to thank supporters. It's outrageous to say I'm too busy to support you but I'll come to the thank you diner. I suggest sending the really good email drafted on the first page to explain that friend has misunderstood the nature of the dinner.

Roe

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Re: IMO this is like skipping a wedding and going to the reception.
« Reply #38 on: October 18, 2012, 08:15:27 AM »
If someone came here and said, "i was invited to a wedding--ceremony and reception. I can't get to the ceremony--is it rude to go just to the reception?"

I know I'd say, "No, it's not.

Next time, separate the invitations. First invite people to cheer for you.Then when someone declares that they are going to do so, you can tell them about the dinner.

Exactly!  And I do think it's rude to disinvite her at this point.  Even if it's done politely, more than likely, the friendship is going to take a hit. 

Margo

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Re: IMO this is like skipping a wedding and going to the reception.
« Reply #39 on: October 18, 2012, 08:19:20 AM »
I don't think it is rude for someone who can't make the wedding ceremony to attend the reception. If they can't witness the ceremony, at least they can drink to and break bread with the happy couple. And I don't think it's rude for your friend to attend the dinner when she has to work during the marathon.

To me it sounds like you resent paying for someone's dinner when you didn't get cheers in return. I hope I'm reading you wrong. I would have interpreted your invitation as a celebration of your accomplishment, but your explanation sounds like you are seeing it as payback for them cheering for you.

And what about people who supported you while you trained?

This. And even if that is not how you feel, I think that is how it will appear to the friend who is told she's being uninvited, however politely you try to word the disinvitation. I don't think that there is any way to tell her she is not welcome without it coming over as very hurtful. So unless you are willin to hurt your friend and damage the friendship, accept that this was a simple misunderstanding, enjoy her compnay and her wish to support you in your achievement, and another year, invite people to support you first, and then when you know who is coming invie those people to dinner (or whatever)

KarenK

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Re: IMO this is like skipping a wedding and going to the reception.
« Reply #40 on: October 18, 2012, 09:40:38 AM »
I think the OP was very clear in her invitation - Come to the race and cheer me on, and I'll buy you dinner. Her friend should not have responded that she would come to the dinner if she could not be at the race, but as others have said, what to do about it now? It depends on the OP's relationship with this person now, and what she wants that relationship to be in the future.

IMHO, the relationship is already damaged. The OP thinks a bit less of this friend. The friend's intent may not be to mooch a dinner off of the OP, but I'm guessing that's what it feels like.

buvezdevin

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Re: IMO this is like skipping a wedding and going to the reception.
« Reply #41 on: October 18, 2012, 09:44:38 AM »
Myself, I don't see why it would or should impact a relationship to correct a friend's misunderstanding of a clearly worded invitation.

I think, as others have noted, some see that the friend may have misunderstood the nature of the dinner being a "woohoo, I ran a marathon, let's celebrate" rather than a "thank you for cheering along the course". If a friend too umbrage at having their mistaken read of any clearly stated invitation politely corrected, I think that would reflect poorly on the friend, not the host.

For comparison, if someone sent a message welcoming friend's to help them pack for a move, and said they would buy dinner for those who did help pack - why would such a host be obliged to buy dinner if anyone said "I can't be there to help you pack, but I am looking forward to sharing dinner with everyone to celebrate your move"!
Never refuse to do a kindness unless the act would work great injury to yourself, and never refuse to take a drink -- under any circumstances.
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Redneck Gravy

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Re: IMO this is like skipping a wedding and going to the reception.
« Reply #42 on: October 18, 2012, 09:59:50 AM »
I think the OP was very clear in her invitation - Come to the race and cheer me on, and I'll buy you dinner. Her friend should not have responded that she would come to the dinner if she could not be at the race, but as others have said, what to do about it now? It depends on the OP's relationship with this person now, and what she wants that relationship to be in the future.

IMHO, the relationship is already damaged. The OP thinks a bit less of this friend. The friend's intent may not be to mooch a dinner off of the OP, but I'm guessing that's what it feels like.

I can see how the OP would feel but the friend may think that she is joining her friend for dinner and is paying for herself. How do you want this relationship to evolve after this event?  If you aren't close to the responder and don't care to ever see her again then disinvite her; that should solve the problem.   Otherwise, I would let it go. 

Eden

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Re: IMO this is like skipping a wedding and going to the reception.
« Reply #43 on: October 18, 2012, 10:21:53 AM »
I'd chalk this up to some confusion and ask even if you think she was kind of rude, is it worth the potential damage to your relationship to disinvite her? It's possible she read that as in "join the celebration and if you cheered for me, I'll buy your meal" and wants to help celebrate but doesn't expect you to pay for her meal. I'd say plan to pay for the friend, forget about this little kerfuffle and enjoy your celebration! You will have earned it. I just did my first half and I can say I have even more respect for full marathoners now that I've done the half. Good luck!

Thipu1

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Re: IMO this is like skipping a wedding and going to the reception.
« Reply #44 on: October 18, 2012, 10:35:15 AM »
I'm a marathoner and triathlete, and I've NEVER heard of providing people with a meal so you have designated cheerers along the race course. For the NYC marathon, spectator logistics can be tough.  I'm sorry, but the whole situation sounds a little SS.  But best of luck on your race!!

I must agree with this.  I've been both a marathoner and a cheerer.  On both sides, finding the other can be a real problem in the NYC Marathon. 

A lot can depend on where along the route your friends will be.  The further along the route they are, the longer they will have to wait to see the OP and the chances of seeing a friend becomes less likely.

  We live quite near 4th Avenue in Brooklyn. That's close to the start of the race so the pack is still pretty dense.  When we cheer on friends, we can safely head down when we hear the helicopters.  Anyone we want to see will pass in about an hour at most but the sheer number of runners make individuals hard to identify.

Further along the route, things are very different. By the time the race reaches 1st Avenue in Manhattan, the runners can take hours to pass and the crowds of spectators are quite thick.  Asking people to wait hours to see one person seems a bit unreasonable even in an stretched-out pack. 

Still, good luck in the race. 

BTW, do the people invited to cheer and attend your party have an idea of your pace?  That also can make a big difference in finding each other.