Author Topic: IMO this is like skipping a wedding and going to the reception.  (Read 12545 times)

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StuffedGrapeLeaves

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Re: IMO this is like skipping a wedding and going to the reception.
« Reply #45 on: October 18, 2012, 11:35:22 AM »
I don't see this as "friend trying to scam a free meal" but "friend supporting her marathon running friend".

I agree with Deetee.  I think you should let it go and welcome the friend to the dinner. 

SingActDance

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Re: IMO this is like skipping a wedding and going to the reception.
« Reply #46 on: October 18, 2012, 11:43:23 AM »
Obviously some see the invitation as clearly worded with no room for interpretation. However, many here have noted that the invitation could easily have been interpreted in another way. I think the OP should give her friend the benefit of the doubt (again, she may be expecting to pay for herself), and let this go. And be more careful with her invitations and wording in the future.
Most people look at musical theatre and think "Why are those people singing and dancing in the street?" I'm sort of the opposite. I see a street full of people and think, "Why aren't they?"

Roodabega

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Re: IMO this is like skipping a wedding and going to the reception.
« Reply #47 on: October 18, 2012, 11:48:29 AM »
You can draw similarities to many activities.  "Hey, my band is going to be performing at Battle of the Bands.  Come on out and watch us and cheer us on and we'll head on out afterwards to Club Che-Divebar to celebrate with drinks"  or "Hey, our theatre club is performing on Thursday.  Come on out and watch and we'll be hosting a reception afterwards". 

If a friend in those instances didn't come to see the activity, but showed up for the after-parties, I would probably hold a negative view of them.  Especially since the after-parties cost money, and are to celebrate the performance.  I would view it as them wanting the free food/drink rather than actually supporting me.  In the OPs case, I would probably feel the same.  Especially when the bill came.

SingActDance

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Re: IMO this is like skipping a wedding and going to the reception.
« Reply #48 on: October 18, 2012, 11:54:56 AM »
You can draw similarities to many activities.  "Hey, my band is going to be performing at Battle of the Bands.  Come on out and watch us and cheer us on and we'll head on out afterwards to Club Che-Divebar to celebrate with drinks"  or "Hey, our theatre club is performing on Thursday.  Come on out and watch and we'll be hosting a reception afterwards". 

If a friend in those instances didn't come to see the activity, but showed up for the after-parties, I would probably hold a negative view of them.  Especially since the after-parties cost money, and are to celebrate the performance.  I would view it as them wanting the free food/drink rather than actually supporting me.  In the OPs case, I would probably feel the same.  Especially when the bill came.

But we don't know that the friend is expecting OP to pay for her. It doesn't seem like a case where food/drink has been purchased in advance, but correct me if I'm wrong, OP. It seems most akin to your first example, everyone going out to a club to celebrate. If a friend had to work during the battle of the bands, but wanted to meet up later and have a drink with you to say congrats, why would that be a problem?
Most people look at musical theatre and think "Why are those people singing and dancing in the street?" I'm sort of the opposite. I see a street full of people and think, "Why aren't they?"

wolfie

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Re: IMO this is like skipping a wedding and going to the reception.
« Reply #49 on: October 18, 2012, 11:58:41 AM »
I have a friend who races - I give him encouraging words when i see him and ask about the races and how it goes, but I don't go to see him race. If he sent an invite like that out I would interpret it as him meaning people who supported him throughout his endeavors - the encouraging words beforehand, the cheering there and the congratulations afterwards. If I then heard that he dis invited people because he was only interested in celebrating with people who supported him in one way only I would take a step back from the friendship. It would indicate to me that he was very particular about things and since I couldn't be sure I would fall under whatever narrow category he defined as supporter for any particular event it would be best to just bow out in the future.

If you tell this friend that you don't really want her at the dinner you should also consider how your other friends react once they hear about it.

TurtleDove

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Re: IMO this is like skipping a wedding and going to the reception.
« Reply #50 on: October 18, 2012, 12:00:59 PM »
It's rather difficult for me to understand why the OP would not want the support and presence of her friend at the dinner simply because the friend has to work during the actual race.  Maybe I run in a different circle (no pun intended!), but I highly doubt any of my friends base their social calendar on selfish scheming for free drinks and dinners.  We attend things we want to give support to, whether hosted or not, because we want to be supportive and present. 

I've run three marathons and in my experience there is not even more than 10 feet along the entire course that is not packed with screaming supporters of ALL runners.  Sure, it's nice to see someone you know is there specifically for you, but I suspect the OP will be encouraged by people she does not even know and will likely even miss seeing those she does.

Flora Louise

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Re: IMO this is like skipping a wedding and going to the reception.
« Reply #51 on: October 18, 2012, 12:03:26 PM »
OP, what happens if your friends come with their spouses? Do you only intend to pay for the half of the couple that watched you in the race?
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O'Dell

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Re: IMO this is like skipping a wedding and going to the reception.
« Reply #52 on: October 18, 2012, 12:13:48 PM »
I have a friend who races - I give him encouraging words when i see him and ask about the races and how it goes, but I don't go to see him race. If he sent an invite like that out I would interpret it as him meaning people who supported him throughout his endeavors - the encouraging words beforehand, the cheering there and the congratulations afterwards. If I then heard that he dis invited people because he was only interested in celebrating with people who supported him in one way only I would take a step back from the friendship. It would indicate to me that he was very particular about things and since I couldn't be sure I would fall under whatever narrow category he defined as supporter for any particular event it would be best to just bow out in the future.

If you tell this friend that you don't really want her at the dinner you should also consider how your other friends react once they hear about it.

Good point. Actually if I got the point of the invitation only being for the those that cheered along the route, I'd back off of even asking about how training was going or other ways of showing interest/support. Why bother if the person only appreciates the "cheerers"?
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sourwolf

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Re: IMO this is like skipping a wedding and going to the reception.
« Reply #53 on: October 18, 2012, 12:31:01 PM »
If I was the friend I'd think your e-mail meant that you would be paying for dinner for those that came to cheer you on, but that other friends were still welcome to come and celebrate/they would be buying their own dinner.  I'd be hurt if I was told not to bother coming to the dinner and I'd be even more hurt to find out you assumed I wasn't planning on paying my own way.  If you sent me that e-mail that was suggested back on page one you definitely wouldn't have to worry about me attending any further events. 

sparksals

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Re: IMO this is like skipping a wedding and going to the reception.
« Reply #54 on: October 18, 2012, 01:04:33 PM »
I thought it was perfectly clear that the dinner is to thank supporters. It's outrageous to say I'm too busy to support you but I'll come to the thank you diner. I suggest sending the really good email drafted on the first page to explain that friend has misunderstood the nature of the dinner.

I was thinking the exact same thing, although, I do think the friend probably misunderstood that it is a hosted event.  Of course, in the spirit of thinking the best of someone b/c if she understood completely it is hosted and read the invite as you and I did, then yes, her attendance is rude since she didn't meet the invite 'criteria'.

Deetee

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Re: IMO this is like skipping a wedding and going to the reception.
« Reply #55 on: October 18, 2012, 01:17:50 PM »
I have a friend who races - I give him encouraging words when i see him and ask about the races and how it goes, but I don't go to see him race. If he sent an invite like that out I would interpret it as him meaning people who supported him throughout his endeavors - the encouraging words beforehand, the cheering there and the congratulations afterwards. If I then heard that he dis invited people because he was only interested in celebrating with people who supported him in one way only I would take a step back from the friendship. It would indicate to me that he was very particular about things and since I couldn't be sure I would fall under whatever narrow category he defined as supporter for any particular event it would be best to just bow out in the future.

If you tell this friend that you don't really want her at the dinner you should also consider how your other friends react once they hear about it.

I would feel the same way. I would just realise that we weren't a good match as friends. I don't think it bad to issue the specific invite, but if I got it and fully understood it I would also back away. Partly because I know that at some point I would offend or mess up in some way. It just wouldn't work.

Tabby Uprising

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Re: IMO this is like skipping a wedding and going to the reception.
« Reply #56 on: October 18, 2012, 01:40:28 PM »
Maybe next time you could ask friends to cheer you on at the marathon, have them tell you where they will be cheering from (as you did this time), and then treat those people to dinner on a separate date.  That way you would know in advance of the dinner who actually was cheering for you on the sidelines and specifically invite them to dinner.

On the actual day of the marathon, you can do an informal "let's all get together at x time at x bar and celebrate!".

I know it doesn't help you out this time, but it might help for your future marathons  :)

I feel like I'm just shy of coherency today... always.  Just wanted to clarify I think you should issue the hosted dinner invitation after people actually attend the marathon.
« Last Edit: October 18, 2012, 01:46:01 PM by Tabby Uprising »

sparksals

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Re: IMO this is like skipping a wedding and going to the reception.
« Reply #57 on: October 18, 2012, 01:55:05 PM »
I have a friend who races - I give him encouraging words when i see him and ask about the races and how it goes, but I don't go to see him race. If he sent an invite like that out I would interpret it as him meaning people who supported him throughout his endeavors - the encouraging words beforehand, the cheering there and the congratulations afterwards. If I then heard that he dis invited people because he was only interested in celebrating with people who supported him in one way only I would take a step back from the friendship. It would indicate to me that he was very particular about things and since I couldn't be sure I would fall under whatever narrow category he defined as supporter for any particular event it would be best to just bow out in the future.

If you tell this friend that you don't really want her at the dinner you should also consider how your other friends react once they hear about it.

I would feel the same way. I would just realise that we weren't a good match as friends. I don't think it bad to issue the specific invite, but if I got it and fully understood it I would also back away. Partly because I know that at some point I would offend or mess up in some way. It just wouldn't work.

But a guest doesn't determine the criteria of an invitation, the host does.  The OP did nothing wrong specifying the dinner was for those who came to cheer her on at the marathon.

Betelnut

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Re: IMO this is like skipping a wedding and going to the reception.
« Reply #58 on: October 18, 2012, 02:03:37 PM »
But don't you think it is bizarre to issue an invitation to a group of people and, at the same time, say "This is really only for some of you?"  I don't see how this is okay.
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TurtleDove

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Re: IMO this is like skipping a wedding and going to the reception.
« Reply #59 on: October 18, 2012, 02:07:24 PM »
But don't you think it is bizarre to issue an invitation to a group of people and, at the same time, say "This is really only for some of you?"  I don't see how this is okay.

This is my problem with it too.  I absolutely do NOT think the OP should send the email suggested on page one, unless she is comfortable with the probability that many of her friends will be shocked and offended.  I think the OP can make changes to how she issues invitations going forward, but it's best to just let this go.  Making it an issue and calling out the friend who RSVPed without cheering on the course is not likely to be a popular course of action.