IMO this is like skipping a wedding and going to the reception.

[mlogica]

If I was the friend I'd think your e-mail meant that you would be paying for dinner for those that came to cheer you on, but that other friends were still welcome to come and celebrate/they would be buying their own dinner.

That's how I would interpret it as well.  As an invitee, I'd show up to celebrate but would be expecting to pay my own way.

OP, I'm running the NYC marathon this year as well!  Having run this race last year, and having witnessed the insanity that is the crowds, I hope you do see your friends that will be out there cheering, and that they see you.  My DH will be on the course to cheer for me, with a big sign, but I would not be surprised if we miss each other completely.

Good luck - here's hoping for good weather and excellent races all round

[wolfie]

I have a friend who races - I give him encouraging words when i see him and ask about the races and how it goes, but I don't go to see him race. If he sent an invite like that out I would interpret it as him meaning people who supported him throughout his endeavors - the encouraging words beforehand, the cheering there and the congratulations afterwards. If I then heard that he dis invited people because he was only interested in celebrating with people who supported him in one way only I would take a step back from the friendship. It would indicate to me that he was very particular about things and since I couldn't be sure I would fall under whatever narrow category he defined as supporter for any particular event it would be best to just bow out in the future.

If you tell this friend that you don't really want her at the dinner you should also consider how your other friends react once they hear about it.

I would feel the same way. I would just realise that we weren't a good match as friends. I don't think it bad to issue the specific invite, but if I got it and fully understood it I would also back away. Partly because I know that at some point I would offend or mess up in some way. It just wouldn't work.

And I would also be wondering if she didn't see me cheer would I still be welcome at the dinner? What if my cheer wasn't what she was expecting? Was my sign the right amount of encouragement? What if I didn't have a sign? It would just be easier to back away and not have to worry about not being good enough.

[Sharnita]

I have a friend who races - I give him encouraging words when i see him and ask about the races and how it goes, but I don't go to see him race. If he sent an invite like that out I would interpret it as him meaning people who supported him throughout his endeavors - the encouraging words beforehand, the cheering there and the congratulations afterwards. If I then heard that he dis invited people because he was only interested in celebrating with people who supported him in one way only I would take a step back from the friendship. It would indicate to me that he was very particular about things and since I couldn't be sure I would fall under whatever narrow category he defined as supporter for any particular event it would be best to just bow out in the future.

If you tell this friend that you don't really want her at the dinner you should also consider how your other friends react once they hear about it.

I would feel the same way. I would just realise that we weren't a good match as friends. I don't think it bad to issue the specific invite, but if I got it and fully understood it I would also back away. Partly because I know that at some point I would offend or mess up in some way. It just wouldn't work.

And I would also be wondering if she didn't see me cheer would I still be welcome at the dinner? What if my cheer wasn't what she was expecting? Was my sign the right amount of encouragement? What if I didn't have a sign? It would just be easier to back away and not have to worry about not being good enough.

That was one of the things I was wondering about. I was also thinking that this is the type of thing where people might initially plan to come cheer but weather or crowds or whatever might prevent them from getting there, from seeing her to cheer for her, whatever. It makes me wonder what happens to them.

[Hmmmmm]

But don't you think it is bizarre to issue an invitation to a group of people and, at the same time, say "This is really only for some of you?"  I don't see how this is okay.

Thank you.  You pinpointed what was bothering me about the original invitation.  It seems too much like a business proposition. 

"Your invited to my wedding IF you buy a present." 
or
"Your invited to my daugther's christening if you agree to babysit." 

It's putting a condition on hosting. 

I understand wanting to thank those who came out to cheer her on, but I think the OP should have waited to issue the invitation only to those people who did come out to support her. 

As others have said, I think I'd welcome her to the dinner and then be carefull on handling the invites for future years.

[Roodabega]

I've seen a lot of what-if scenarios thoughout the thread, and they pretty much seem to indicate the OP is being a bad person for even thinking about it.  At least that's my interpretation.  Even though she said she was likely going to just let it go.

Another few what-ifs for people to consider:  What if the casual friend had never mentioned her running or been encouraging to the OP?  What if she had a reputation for being a mooch?  What if the casual friend was so casual that the OP never expected them to be interested? (here, she may have wanted to be more selective in her evite).  We don't really know the answers to my what-ifs because they weren't addressed one way or the other.

The substantive question for me becomes can you withdraw an invite to someone who accepted when they didn't meet the parameters of the invite?  I think in certain cases you can.

[Deetee]

I have a friend who races - I give him encouraging words when i see him and ask about the races and how it goes, but I don't go to see him race. If he sent an invite like that out I would interpret it as him meaning people who supported him throughout his endeavors - the encouraging words beforehand, the cheering there and the congratulations afterwards. If I then heard that he dis invited people because he was only interested in celebrating with people who supported him in one way only I would take a step back from the friendship. It would indicate to me that he was very particular about things and since I couldn't be sure I would fall under whatever narrow category he defined as supporter for any particular event it would be best to just bow out in the future.

If you tell this friend that you don't really want her at the dinner you should also consider how your other friends react once they hear about it.

I would feel the same way. I would just realise that we weren't a good match as friends. I don't think it bad to issue the specific invite, but if I got it and fully understood it I would also back away. Partly because I know that at some point I would offend or mess up in some way. It just wouldn't work.

But a guest doesn't determine the criteria of an invitation, the host does.  The OP did nothing wrong specifying the dinner was for those who came to cheer her on at the marathon.

No, I agree she did nothing wrong. But I also know that it would not work for us to be friends. As another poster said, I would just worry about mis-steps and it wouldn't be fun.

That's fine. Some people I am not friends with because they are bad people. Others are good people with different priorities and values. Perfectly nice people may disagree on what's fun and acceptable. But a my friendship with someone isn't a barometer on whether a person is right or wrong. It a barometer on whether I would want to spend time with them. (And of course, if they want to spend time with me)

[sourwolf]

I've seen a lot of what-if scenarios thoughout the thread, and they pretty much seem to indicate the OP is being a bad person for even thinking about it.  At least that's my interpretation.  Even though she said she was likely going to just let it go.

Another few what-ifs for people to consider:  What if the casual friend had never mentioned her running or been encouraging to the OP?  What if she had a reputation for being a mooch?  What if the casual friend was so casual that the OP never expected them to be interested? (here, she may have wanted to be more selective in her evite).  We don't really know the answers to my what-ifs because they weren't addressed one way or the other.

The substantive question for me becomes can you withdraw an invite to someone who accepted when they didn't meet the parameters of the invite?  I think in certain cases you can.

If the OP's friend was a known moocher, I'm sure she would have included that information in one of her posts.

[Tabby Uprising]

If I were the friend I'd be embarrassed that I had breached a kind of marathon etiquette, but I wouldn't decline all further invitations.  (Provided more invitations would be forthcoming) If the OP invited me to a cookie exchange or a dinner at a new bistro I'd go because those are straightforward invitations for situations I am used to. 

[buvezdevin]

If it's a hosted "thank you" dinner for friends who are doing a specific thing the host wishes to express thanks for, then, heck yes there *is* the  pre-requisite that those who accept the "thank you" event invitation intend to do the thing for which the host is expressing thanks.

I agree that, in future, waiting to know who will be participating/doing something for which the OP wishes to express thanks will be one way to send a targeted evite, but I still see nothing wrong or off in the way this evite was sent, nor does a friend's misunderstanding of the intended scope of the invitation require the OP to change the intended invitation, which was conditional.

That, to me, *would* be analogous to a wedding invitation sent to a single person without specifying "and guest" and the single person misunderstanding and RSVPing for two.  While misunderstood invitations can be awkward, a potential guest's misunderstanding does not preclude a corrective explanation from the host.  Nor would such a correction seem to me rude or exclusionary, it would be a presumably polite correction to another's erroneous interpretation in lieu of an unexpected or intended change to the host's plans.

[Roodabega]

If it's a hosted "thank you" dinner for friends who are doing a specific thing the host wishes to express thanks for, then, heck yes there *is* the  pre-requisite that those who accept the "thank you" event invitation intend to do the thing for which the host is expressing thanks.

I agree that, in future, waiting to know who will be participating/doing something for which the OP wishes to express thanks will be one way to send a targeted evite, but I still see nothing wrong or off in the way this evite was sent, nor does a friend's misunderstanding of the intended scope of the invitation require the OP to change the intended invitation, which was conditional.

That, to me, *would* be analogous to a wedding invitation sent to a single person without specifying "and guest" and the single person misunderstanding and RSVPing for two.  While misunderstood invitations can be awkward, a potential guest's misunderstanding does not preclude a corrective explanation from the host.  Nor would such a correction seem to me rude or exclusionary, it would be a presumably polite correction to another's erroneous interpretation in lieu of an unexpected or intended change to the host's plans.

I'll park my pod here.

[SingActDance]

If it's a hosted "thank you" dinner for friends who are doing a specific thing the host wishes to express thanks for, then, heck yes there *is* the  pre-requisite that those who accept the "thank you" event invitation intend to do the thing for which the host is expressing thanks.

I agree that, in future, waiting to know who will be participating/doing something for which the OP wishes to express thanks will be one way to send a targeted evite, but I still see nothing wrong or off in the way this evite was sent, nor does a friend's misunderstanding of the intended scope of the invitation require the OP to change the intended invitation, which was conditional.

That, to me, *would* be analogous to a wedding invitation sent to a single person without specifying "and guest" and the single person misunderstanding and RSVPing for two.  While misunderstood invitations can be awkward, a potential guest's misunderstanding does not preclude a corrective explanation from the host.  Nor would such a correction seem to me rude or exclusionary, it would be a presumably polite correction to another's erroneous interpretation in lieu of an unexpected or intended change to the host's plans.

I would really like to see the exact wording of the invite. It it lists date, time, location, and says "We're going out to restaurant after I run the marathon. If you cheer for me I'll buy you dinner!", then I don't think that it can strictly be interpreted as a "thank you dinner". If it said "This is a dinner for anyone who comes and cheers for me during the marathon." then that would change my opinion. I don't find the extra guest at a wedding to be a good analogy, because it's widely understood that an invite is for the people listed on the invite and no more. In that case, I think the guest made a clear mistake. I don't think this situation is so cut and dry, because the OP's wording might not have been entirely clear.

[Yvaine]

If it's a hosted "thank you" dinner for friends who are doing a specific thing the host wishes to express thanks for, then, heck yes there *is* the  pre-requisite that those who accept the "thank you" event invitation intend to do the thing for which the host is expressing thanks.

I agree that, in future, waiting to know who will be participating/doing something for which the OP wishes to express thanks will be one way to send a targeted evite, but I still see nothing wrong or off in the way this evite was sent, nor does a friend's misunderstanding of the intended scope of the invitation require the OP to change the intended invitation, which was conditional.

That, to me, *would* be analogous to a wedding invitation sent to a single person without specifying "and guest" and the single person misunderstanding and RSVPing for two.  While misunderstood invitations can be awkward, a potential guest's misunderstanding does not preclude a corrective explanation from the host.  Nor would such a correction seem to me rude or exclusionary, it would be a presumably polite correction to another's erroneous interpretation in lieu of an unexpected or intended change to the host's plans.

I would really like to see the exact wording of the invite. It it lists date, time, location, and says "We're going out to restaurant after I run the marathon. If you cheer for me I'll buy you dinner!", then I don't think that it can strictly be interpreted as a "thank you dinner". If it said "This is a dinner for anyone who comes and cheers for me during the marathon." then that would change my opinion. I don't find the extra guest at a wedding to be a good analogy, because it's widely understood that an invite is for the people listed on the invite and no more. In that case, I think the guest made a clear mistake. I don't think this situation is so cut and dry, because the OP's wording might not have been entirely clear.

Yeah, with that wording it could mean "if you come cheer, I'll buy! but if you're getting this, you're invited to at least come out and socialize even if I'm not buying for you."

[kareng57]

But don't you think it is bizarre to issue an invitation to a group of people and, at the same time, say "This is really only for some of you?"  I don't see how this is okay.

Thank you.  You pinpointed what was bothering me about the original invitation.  It seems too much like a business proposition. 

"Your invited to my wedding IF you buy a present." 
or
"Your invited to my daugther's christening if you agree to babysit." 

It's putting a condition on hosting. 

I understand wanting to thank those who came out to cheer her on, but I think the OP should have waited to issue the invitation only to those people who did come out to support her. 

As others have said, I think I'd welcome her to the dinner and then be carefull on handling the invites for future years.

Yes, that's it.  Issuing the invitation (with unclear criteria) and later on specifying that OP would decide whose support was "good enough" to warrant the hosted dinner - that would be it, for me.

Of course people are perfectly free to host any events they want, and invite anyone that they want.  But - I would probably step-back on any friendship with this particular host, figuring that I wouldn't want to keep wondering whether or not I met her conditions.  Not saying that she is wrong, just my own preferences.

[LifeOnPluto]

I have a possible solution.

OP, could you send another email to all the invitees, along the line of "Some of you have confirmed that you'll be coming to watch me race, and cheer me on! As stated in my original email, I'd like to say thank you, by covering the cost of your dinners, when we meet at Restaurant Name later that night. Some of you have told me you can't make it to the race. That's cool - I'd still love to catch up with you at the dinner. I've attached a menu for your convenience - mains range from $X to $Y."

No names are mentioned. No one gets embarrassed. Everyone is still included. But the OP makes it clear that she'll only be paying for those who attended the race in person.

Would this be rude?

[sourwolf]

I have a possible solution.

OP, could you send another email to all the invitees, along the line of "Some of you have confirmed that you'll be coming to watch me race, and cheer me on! As stated in my original email, I'd like to say thank you, by covering the cost of your dinners, when we meet at Restaurant Name later that night. Some of you have told me you can't make it to the race. That's cool - I'd still love to catch up with you at the dinner. I've attached a menu for your convenience - mains range from $X to $Y."

No names are mentioned. No one gets embarrassed. Everyone is still included. But the OP makes it clear that she'll only be paying for those who attended the race in person.

Would this be rude?

I think this is a good compromise.