Author Topic: IMO this is like skipping a wedding and going to the reception.  (Read 12862 times)

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johelenc1

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Re: IMO this is like skipping a wedding and going to the reception.
« Reply #75 on: October 18, 2012, 10:53:06 PM »
I have a possible solution.

OP, could you send another email to all the invitees, along the line of "Some of you have confirmed that you'll be coming to watch me race, and cheer me on! As stated in my original email, I'd like to say thank you, by covering the cost of your dinners, when we meet at Restaurant Name later that night. Some of you have told me you can't make it to the race. That's cool - I'd still love to catch up with you at the dinner. I've attached a menu for your convenience - mains range from $X to $Y."

No names are mentioned. No one gets embarrassed. Everyone is still included. But the OP makes it clear that she'll only be paying for those who attended the race in person.

Would this be rude?

Love this idea.  It's the best way to clear up the confusion.

buvezdevin

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Re: IMO this is like skipping a wedding and going to the reception.
« Reply #76 on: October 18, 2012, 10:58:33 PM »
I have a possible solution.

OP, could you send another email to all the invitees, along the line of "Some of you have confirmed that you'll be coming to watch me race, and cheer me on! As stated in my original email, I'd like to say thank you, by covering the cost of your dinners, when we meet at Restaurant Name later that night. Some of you have told me you can't make it to the race. That's cool - I'd still love to catch up with you at the dinner. I've attached a menu for your convenience - mains range from $X to $Y."

No names are mentioned. No one gets embarrassed. Everyone is still included. But the OP makes it clear that she'll only be paying for those who attended the race in person.

Would this be rude?

I think this is a good compromise.

Great suggestion, and a wonderful example of what I love most about this site - a thread can include a number of differing opinions and views, which can lead to suggested approaches which encompass most or all such perspectives while addressing a dilemma, or avoiding one.
Never refuse to do a kindness unless the act would work great injury to yourself, and never refuse to take a drink -- under any circumstances.
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bopper

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Re: IMO this is like skipping a wedding and going to the reception.
« Reply #77 on: October 18, 2012, 11:08:51 PM »
I think it's a bit rude of her to go and get a free meal when she hasn't done anything to deserve it.

The OP knows that she is using this dinner as a thank you to the people who cheered her on, but the friend might just think she wants people to celebrate with her for finishing the race.

Deetee

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Re: IMO this is like skipping a wedding and going to the reception.
« Reply #78 on: October 18, 2012, 11:17:53 PM »
I think it's a bit rude of her to go and get a free meal when she hasn't done anything to deserve it.

The OP knows that she is using this dinner as a thank you to the people who cheered her on, but the friend might just think she wants people to celebrate with her for finishing the race.

And I would never consider that cheering a friend was something that I would get "paid back" with dinner for. I would cheer because I supported friend (and was close to the course already) I would go to dinner because I supported my friend.

Unless this was Chez Fancy, the fact she was paying wouldn't really enter into my calculations because my time is much more precious to me than my money at this point in my life. I could more readily part with $30 than 3 hours.

Roe

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Re: IMO this is like skipping a wedding and going to the reception.
« Reply #79 on: October 18, 2012, 11:22:11 PM »
I have a possible solution.

OP, could you send another email to all the invitees, along the line of "Some of you have confirmed that you'll be coming to watch me race, and cheer me on! As stated in my original email, I'd like to say thank you, by covering the cost of your dinners, when we meet at Restaurant Name later that night. Some of you have told me you can't make it to the race. That's cool - I'd still love to catch up with you at the dinner. I've attached a menu for your convenience - mains range from $X to $Y."

No names are mentioned. No one gets embarrassed. Everyone is still included. But the OP makes it clear that she'll only be paying for those who attended the race in person.

Would this be rude?

I don't know, something about this seems tacky to me.

Sharnita

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Re: IMO this is like skipping a wedding and going to the reception.
« Reply #80 on: October 18, 2012, 11:25:56 PM »
Yeah, I don't really get that "earn it" thing.  If you manage to hand her a bottle of water of something does that "earn" you dessert, too?

buvezdevin

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Re: IMO this is like skipping a wedding and going to the reception.
« Reply #81 on: October 18, 2012, 11:27:36 PM »
I have a possible solution.

OP, could you send another email to all the invitees, along the line of "Some of you have confirmed that you'll be coming to watch me race, and cheer me on! As stated in my original email, I'd like to say thank you, by covering the cost of your dinners, when we meet at Restaurant Name later that night. Some of you have told me you can't make it to the race. That's cool - I'd still love to catch up with you at the dinner. I've attached a menu for your convenience - mains range from $X to $Y."

No names are mentioned. No one gets embarrassed. Everyone is still included. But the OP makes it clear that she'll only be paying for those who attended the race in person.

Would this be rude?

I don't know, something about this seems tacky to me.
Not to challenge you - I am genuinely curious why this would be tacky, given that OP has already extended her invitation to buy dinner for those who cheer along the course. 

Does that original offer seem off to you, or do you think the original invitation was not clear and OP should host and pay for all who want to come for dinner but cannot cheer along the course?
Never refuse to do a kindness unless the act would work great injury to yourself, and never refuse to take a drink -- under any circumstances.
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CakeEater

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Re: IMO this is like skipping a wedding and going to the reception.
« Reply #82 on: October 18, 2012, 11:31:48 PM »
I think it's a bit rude of her to go and get a free meal when she hasn't done anything to deserve it.

The OP knows that she is using this dinner as a thank you to the people who cheered her on, but the friend might just think she wants people to celebrate with her for finishing the race.

And I would never consider that cheering a friend was something that I would get "paid back" with dinner for. I would cheer because I supported friend (and was close to the course already) I would go to dinner because I supported my friend.

Unless this was Chez Fancy, the fact she was paying wouldn't really enter into my calculations because my time is much more precious to me than my money at this point in my life. I could more readily part with $30 than 3 hours.

This, definitely. Plus going out to dinner on a day when the host is likely to be completely exhausted, restaurants are likely to be packed (I assume the marathon brings many extra people to town) and take up another three hours of my day, could be considered even more of a chore. I would be going to the dinner to see and congratulate my friend because I would not have spoken to them during the race, not to be paid back for my efforts.

I would assume I was welcome if I paid my own way.

MariaE

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Re: IMO this is like skipping a wedding and going to the reception.
« Reply #83 on: October 19, 2012, 12:38:15 AM »

I have a possible solution.

OP, could you send another email to all the invitees, along the line of "Some of you have confirmed that you'll be coming to watch me race, and cheer me on! As stated in my original email, I'd like to say thank you, by covering the cost of your dinners, when we meet at Restaurant Name later that night. Some of you have told me you can't make it to the race. That's cool - I'd still love to catch up with you at the dinner. I've attached a menu for your convenience - mains range from $X to $Y."

No names are mentioned. No one gets embarrassed. Everyone is still included. But the OP makes it clear that she'll only be paying for those who attended the race in person.

Would this be rude?

Brilliant!
 
Dane by birth, Kiwi by choice

yertle turtle

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Re: IMO this is like skipping a wedding and going to the reception.
« Reply #84 on: October 19, 2012, 04:39:25 AM »
When I read the OP I also thought it likely the friend was wanting to be involved and not necessarily intending to be a free-loader.  I think LifeonPluto's suggestion is ok, but still has the potential to cause more angst than necessary.  I guess I assumed the OP budgeted for the possibility of everyone accepting the invitation, so is in a position to treat them all.  Why be pedantic about cheerers and non-cheerers and possibly introduce a sour note to what should be a fun celebration? 

buvezdevin

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Re: IMO this is like skipping a wedding and going to the reception.
« Reply #85 on: October 19, 2012, 08:58:48 AM »
When I read the OP I also thought it likely the friend was wanting to be involved and not necessarily intending to be a free-loader.  I think LifeonPluto's suggestion is ok, but still has the potential to cause more angst than necessary.  I guess I assumed the OP budgeted for the possibility of everyone accepting the invitation, so is in a position to treat them all.  Why be pedantic about cheerers and non-cheerers and possibly introduce a sour note to what should be a fun celebration?

This phrasing helped me better understand those saying "don't make hosting (or clarifying it) about whether someone can or cannot be at the course is still included in the dinner".

It doesn't change my view, though I don't think this perspective or approach are wrong.

My own view is that the offer to buy dinner was intended to thank, and recognize those friends who were "sharing" the experience of the race by being present to cheer whether or not OP sees them. 

While I don't think it likely that a "free" meal would be a determining factor for most/all in deciding whether or not to be on the course to cheer, I do read the dinner invitation as conditional, and a thoughtful celebration of a shared experience.  I would be surprised if I were a "course cheering participant" attending the dinner to find that it was instead a hosted dinner which included everyone whether or not they had been present in some participatory sense for the earlier event.

Not that I would object, but it would be akin to attending a class reunion and finding that there were attendees who had never attended the school, were not an SO of an alumni, but thought highly of the school, knew some folks who did attend, and thought the reunion sounded like a fun party.
Never refuse to do a kindness unless the act would work great injury to yourself, and never refuse to take a drink -- under any circumstances.
Mark Twain

rose red

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Re: IMO this is like skipping a wedding and going to the reception.
« Reply #86 on: October 19, 2012, 10:06:01 AM »
I have a possible solution.

OP, could you send another email to all the invitees, along the line of "Some of you have confirmed that you'll be coming to watch me race, and cheer me on! As stated in my original email, I'd like to say thank you, by covering the cost of your dinners, when we meet at Restaurant Name later that night. Some of you have told me you can't make it to the race. That's cool - I'd still love to catch up with you at the dinner. I've attached a menu for your convenience - mains range from $X to $Y."

No names are mentioned. No one gets embarrassed. Everyone is still included. But the OP makes it clear that she'll only be paying for those who attended the race in person.

Would this be rude?

I don't know, something about this seems tacky to me.

Yeah.  This seems off to me too.  I've never been to an actual marathon, but have listened to friends about their training, offered good wishes, good thoughts, donated money, asked them how it went, etc.  If I got that email implying all that was not good enough; that only being there in person matters, I would pull back from the friendship.

Of course, we don't know if the OP's friend ever offered good luck, and that may affect the OP's opinions about her, but don't drag other friends into it with that email.
« Last Edit: October 19, 2012, 10:07:39 AM by rose red »

GrammarNerd

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Re: IMO this is like skipping a wedding and going to the reception.
« Reply #87 on: October 19, 2012, 10:43:34 AM »
I'm with the OP...I'd feel a little bit used (or something) too. 

If I'm in an office and I know someone is running a marathon, sure, I'll express my good wishes to them.  But that type of thing is, to me, more water-cooler talk.  Something to pass the time on a break.  That's one level.  But then there are those people who take it a step further, carve some time out of their weekend, and drive to somewhere near the course, walk to the course, stand there for a while and cheer.  That's a bit more of an investment than a few quick 'good luck' comments via email or in the workplace.  I think the OP genuinely values that extra effort that the course-cheering people are expending for her, and she wants to thank those people by taking them out to dinner.  Nothing wrong with that. 

So when someone misinterprets her thank you dinner, I can see why she'd be bothered, no matter if the person has a legitimate excuse of work or not.  Who knows, maybe some of the cheering contingent had to work too, but they switched shifts to be there for the OP.  It doesn't make the other friend wrong for not doing so, but I can see why the OP wants to thank those that did.

I like the analogy about buying pizza when people help you move.  If people are at the event, helping in some way, then they get the pizza as a thank you.  If someone said that she couldn't be there for the move but said 'oh, you can get moving boxes from XYZ company.  Good Luck!', I wouldn't expect them to partake in the pizza.  Sure, they offered verbal wishes and maybe even some form of assistance with the box vendor, but it was really nothing more than small talk.

I like LifeOnPluto's solution.  If the friend comes and still tries to get her meal paid for, well, then there's probably not much the OP can do about it then.


Sharnita

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Re: IMO this is like skipping a wedding and going to the reception.
« Reply #88 on: October 19, 2012, 10:50:57 AM »
See, I think the analogy about moving is not at all apt.  First of all, if you are helping somebody move it is an activity you are doing together for an extended period of time.  That is a bit different from standing on the side of a route for a runner to pass by for a moment - when you might or might not see them and they might or might not see you.

shivering

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Re: IMO this is like skipping a wedding and going to the reception.
« Reply #89 on: October 19, 2012, 10:54:44 AM »
Quote
I have a possible solution.

OP, could you send another email to all the invitees, along the line of "Some of you have confirmed that you'll be coming to watch me race, and cheer me on! As stated in my original email, I'd like to say thank you, by covering the cost of your dinners, when we meet at Restaurant Name later that night. Some of you have told me you can't make it to the race. That's cool - I'd still love to catch up with you at the dinner. I've attached a menu for your convenience - mains range from $X to $Y."

No names are mentioned. No one gets embarrassed. Everyone is still included. But the OP makes it clear that she'll only be paying for those who attended the race in person.

Would this be rude?

This is great in theory, but tough in practice. It's going to be a little awkward when the check comes for the runner to divvy up the bill and pay for some people and not others. Even though it's not the intention I can see it making the people who just came to dinner feel bad/guilty. Like somehow they aren't good friends because they weren't around to cheer on the runner.

I suppose it's possible for the runner to get up and pull aside the server to ask for separate checks and tell the server which diners should go on his/her check. But not all restaurants are keen on separate checks.