should we go?

[rabbit_woman]

Bit of a dilemma in my house this weekend, can you wise rebellions help me out?

B, L and me were housemates at university, ooooo,20 years ago now! We always made an effort to stay in touch, though,and met up a few times a year, even after getting married and having babies! I do not drive, though, so if we weren't meeting at my house, I would always have to get a lift.

Tomorrow, B is getting married, and she invited me and L to her evening reception. I accepted before seeing if L was going thinking that even if L wasn't going, me and my husband would be able to get a train and taxi there ourselves.

L cannot go. This means that there will literally be no one else there me and hubby know except the bride, who will, I assume, be very busy! It will take us an hour to get there by train, then cost £15 to get to the venue by taxi; reception starts at 8, but we would need to leave at 10, get another £15 taxi to the station to get our last train home. The real dilemma is that me and hubby only have about £50 cash left to last until payday which is not for two weeks! So,should we go? We did say we would, but it is the evening reception only, there is only a disco, no meal? And it is all our money to go to a reception where we don'tknow anyone for two hours, the bride would hardly have time to say hello anyway! And if we don't go, should I tell her now, beforehand, or after the wedding, and what should I say? f it was my wedding, I think I would understand, but is it a reasonable excuse? Should I just go?

[Perfect Circle]

If you have replied in the positive you should go.

If you still decide not to go you must let her know now.

[YummyMummy66]

So, you really have no money to go to said wedding, but if L had been going, you would somehow have made the way there anyway?  So, you only know your dh, you both might have a good time together or maybe meet new people also and have a great time.

If you truly could not afford to go in the first place, I would have declined the invitation to begin with, no matter who was attending.

But, this sounds like a casual invite?  Were you recently invited or was this a hand delivered invitation a few weeks ago?  And you are just invited for a disco?  No actual reception?  So, you could already be n the B list to begin with?   In this case, I would let the bride know that somethng has come up and you will be unable to attend.  You do not need to give a reason, but let her know asap.

[MariaE]

I think you still have to go. You RSVP'ed yes, and nothing has changed with the invitation since then. That you didn't check with L or check prices before you RSVPed is unfortunate, but ultimately your own fault.

But I'm confused - first you write that it wouldn't be a problem if L didn't go, and then you write that it is?

One of the best weddings I've ever been to, I knew only the bride and groom - my DH couldn't go, so I knew literally nobody else. I still had a blast

[Snooks]

I think you need to go.  You've raised two issues

1) It's going to cost a lot to get there and back - unfortunately this is one of the downsides of not having your own transport, it costs you more to get places and you are tied to public transport.  It isn't like your car broke down yesterday and now you're having to investigate alternatives.  Unless you assumed that L would be your transport.

2) L isn't going - you said when you RSVPed it didn't matter whether L was going or not so why is this now an issue?

[NyaChan]

I think you still have to go. You RSVP'ed yes, and nothing has changed with the invitation since then. That you didn't check with L or check prices before you RSVPed is unfortunate, but ultimately your own fault.

But I'm confused - first you write that it wouldn't be a problem if L didn't go, and then you write that it is?

One of the best weddings I've ever been to, I knew only the bride and groom - my DH couldn't go, so I knew literally nobody else. I still had a blast

L would have given them a lift, thereby saving the 30 pounds (and possibly the train tickets?) and I'm guessing OP didn't take that money into account in her budgeting ahead of time.  I think you should look into an alternate form of transportation from the train station and back.  If there is literally no way for you to pay to go (i.e. 20 pounds won't feed you for 2 weeks), then that is automatically going to make the decision for you.  If that is the case, you need to let the bride know ASAP!!  I think that backing out at this point is rude, but unavoidable.  The minute you figured out L wasn't going (and I am really surprised that this wasn't figured out until a few days before the wedding), you should have budgeted for transportation.  You accepted the invitation knowing that it was only a disco and an hour's train ride away.

[rabbit_woman]

I had never factored in getting a lift from L - I thought either she would be staying overnight or that she would be bringing her three kids and so there would be no room in her car anyway. I did think that she would be there to catch up with, though, and i had emailed her when we first got the invites but not heard back until last week.

I had also never factored in the £100 emergency plumbing bill i got last week!

I really really don't want to offend a dear friend on her special day, but she would not be able to sit down and have a good catch up with me, i remember on my wedding day i was not able to talk to anyone for very long, and i just thought it would be better to put all that time and effort into seeing them when they got back from honeymoon and we can have a proper chat and catch up?

But thank you everyone for your replies, which, as always, have given a well rounded view of the situation!

[Margo]

I think that you can decline and can explain to the bride & groom that there has been an unforseen change of circumstances.

It sounds as though there has been- you did not foresee that you would have £100 emergency pluumbing bill, and as a result, you do not now the money for £30 taxis  + train fares to spend on going to the wedding.

Yes, it is technically rude as you'd previously accepted, but it sounds as though it is unavoidable.

However, I do think that it is only really accptable to decline as a result of the chnaged circumstances - if your only reason was that you and your husband won't know anyone, then I would think you ought still to go.

You are not stricly obliged to give the bride and groosm a reason but I would be inclined to tell them that you have haad  aplumbing disater and that sadly, while you'd love to come, it means it can't be done. 

[Giggity]

I really really don't want to offend a dear friend on her special day, but she would not be able to sit down and have a good catch up with me, i remember on my wedding day i was not able to talk to anyone for very long, and i just thought it would be better to put all that time and effort into seeing them when they got back from honeymoon and we can have a proper chat and catch up?

Weddings aren't for catching up. They're for watching someone get married, and chatting about it with the other guests. Catching up happens over coffee.

[lady_disdain]

Honestly, you can't afford to go - it would leave you and your husband less than 20 pounds for 2 weeks. Just feeding yourselves with that will be a stretch let alone any other expenses. If L is a good friend, she will understand it but you will need to let her know a bit more about your finances than you might like, since general beandip won't work here since you are, indeed, bailing out.

The bottom line, to me, isn't that you don't know any one else there but that you are under strong financial pressure.

[MariaE]

Had you included the information about the unforseen £100 plumbing bill in the original post, your replies would probably have been very different.

At first it sounded like you hadn't thought things through, now it appears that there was an unexpected emergency. Two completely different scenarios. From a strict etiquette POV it's still rude to cancel, but it's not always possible to adhere to the strict rules of etiquette.

[TootsNYC]

I also have the feeling that you've been invited to a lesser part of the celebration, and I don't think that carries the same weight.

And the huge plumbing bill changes things.

[Sharnita]

I also have the feeling that you've been invited to a lesser part of the celebration, and I don't think that carries the same weight.

And the huge plumbing bill changes things.

Good point - my guess is that they and their family (and some friends?) will have dinner at some point in the evening so if you are not included in that it does strike me as a second tier invitation.

[Outdoor Girl]

I'm guessing by the pounds symbol that you are in the UK.  I know that it isn't unusual for people to just be invited to the dance after the dinner part of the reception in an informal way.  So I do think it is OK to email the bride and let her know that you can't make it afterall, with apologies.  I'd mention the surprise plumbing bill if you got that after you'd said you go.  The fact that a cab would take 30 of the 50 pounds you have left until payday (does the train cost more or do you have passes?) makes it a tough go.  20 pounds for food for two weeks doesn't sound like enough to me.

Make a date with the bride for coffee or a meal to catch up and talk about her wedding day sometime after the wedding/honeymoon.

[Virg]

I'm with the others.  It would be rude to back out for the original reasons, but an emergency expense that killed your budget does constitute reasonable excuse to back out now.  I'm also with the others, though, that say that you must advise the bride-to-be as soon as you can if you're changing your plans.  Since she's a good friend, I'm sure she'll understand the concept that an emergency bill left you financially unable to attend.

Virg