should we go?

[Shoo]

I don't think people need to bankrupt themselves in order to be "etiquettely correct."  Sometimes, it's just not possible.

Yes, you RSVP'd that you'd be there, and it's too bad that circumstances have changed since you did.  But they HAVE changed, and now you just can't go.  If you don't have the money, you don't have the money. Being able to buy groceries and other of life's necessities is way more important than fulfilling an etiquette obligation.

Let your friend know right away, apologize, and send a card if you can.

[rabbit_woman]

thank you for your advice!

if we had been invited to the whole day, the ceremony, the meal, and the bride had paid for my dinner in advance as is the norm, i would definitely still go, even if it meant having to borrow cash from my mum!! for the whole day, it would have been worth it.

and i am very much in the second tier - there was even a slightly awkward issue about the reply card - my invite was clearly evening only, but the reply card had a section for dietry requirements, which i filled in thinking the bride might have been planning a buffet or something - when she recieved it she emailed me saying she was so embarressed but some of the invites had been incorrectly printed and she just wanted to check that my invite had been for the evening only, not the meal; she was very apologetic. but i am definitely a second tier guest.

just to be clear i have no issue with that at all! We only meet up a couple of times a year for lunch with L, and although we have all known each other for many years i think these days there are many many more people who you see more than twice a year and they should definitely take priority!

Thanks for listening, everyone, you are ace! xx

[Giggity]

Yeah, two-tier hospitality ... for the record, tacky and incorrect.

[PurpleFrog]

Given the information about the emergency, I think you would be OK to call and explain, however be prepared for the bride to be slightly hurt/upset even though she understands the situation.


To address the UK 'evening reception' it is a less formal part of the event, however the bride and groom usually invite their friends whom they couldn't invite during the day due to family numbers. The UK has fewer options for venues, I.e. you cannot get married at home etc, and registry offices are oftain small. It is also not possible to have an evenin. Wedding, meaning couples usually have the wedding breakfast & evening Buffett. These friends are oftain people that the couple truly want there, but family expectations mean they are unable to do so.

There are different attitudes and expectations to the US which are hard to explain.

[rabbit_woman]

yeah, it is usual and accepted for there to be a ceremony and meal that family and closer friends are invited to, and then an evening reception, usually a disco in a pub or hotel or something, that your wider circle of buddies are invited to as well, as the venue can hold more people. These evening only guests are not fed, unless there is a casual buffet or something.

[Queen of Clubs]

yeah, it is usual and accepted for there to be a ceremony and meal that family and closer friends are invited to, and then an evening reception, usually a disco in a pub or hotel or something, that your wider circle of buddies are invited to as well, as the venue can hold more people. These evening only guests are not fed, unless there is a casual buffet or something.

And it'll more than likely be a cash bar.

I think you're fine to just let the bride know that you can't make it due to a sudden strain on the budget.  She and her DH won't have any meals/drink left unconsumed due to you suddenly pulling out, as there might be if you'd been invited to the reception.

[White Lotus]

This is iffy.   As I understand  it, one can only back out of a wedding or a dinner party in the event of death, illness or an invitation to the White House, for which I expect one would substitute the palace, and maybe the Prime Minister's residence, for what amounts to a state dinner.  But this seems much more like an informal party, and it sounds like local custom would allow you to telephone and say you are sorry, but unforseen circumstances  -- you could even say illness, though what is ill is your pocketbook -- make it impossible for you to attend.   I  wouldn't give reasons.   Reasons give the other party a change to argue with you.  So I think you can back out without being rude, especially if you extend an invitation to the HC to your house on their return from their wedding trip at the same time.

[lady_disdain]

Yeah, two-tier hospitality ... for the record, tacky and incorrect.

For the record, not in the UK as other posters have mentioned. Not everywhere in the world follows US etiquette rules.

[Tiamet]

Yeah, two-tier hospitality ... for the record, tacky and incorrect.

Actually, in the UK, completely normal and well within the bounds of etiquette.

Edited to add: sorry, I see lady_disdain and others said the same thing first!

[Roe]

Since you are a 2nd tier guest, my opinion changed to 'you can call and cancel.' 

[emwithme]

I got married 5 weeks ago (today  ), in the UK, and had the traditional-UK-not-rude split of "all day" and "evening only" guests.  The evening guests were generally people I worked, or used to work with, or people I used to be closer with than I am now etc. 

I had a few phone calls/emails/facebook chats/messages in the days before the wedding from people who had RSVP-ed yes but were unable to come - one old school friend had unexpected car repairs, another's husband was ill, etc.  I just accepted their best wishes and got on with my day.  In terms of our friendship, nothing has really changed.

What did annoy me was people who had RSVP-ed yes and who didn't say anything, just didn't turn up; that has cooled my attitude towards them quite considerably, I felt that I wasn't even worth a text message (generally included free in most UK plans, if not 20p at the most) or a (free) message on facebook. 

[mechtilde]

If you absolutely cannot go, then call the bride (or whoever is organising the wedding) and let them know ASAP.

Just one thing- you might be able to get a coach for a lot less than you would pay for a train, and it might be possible that there is some form of public transport available to get you to the reception. (although yes, there are plenty of places which just aren't like that)

[LilacRosey]

I always say go because you will probably have an awesome time and its so nice to meet people, so I vote go, but I'm not very rebellious., lilacrosey

[rabbit_woman]

Thank you everyone!

I am so glad i asked your advice, I was going to email the bride after the wedding but did it the day before instead, and she was, of course, very gracious and lovely and we are all meeting up once she is home for a proper catch up.

When I got married, I had about three people cancel on me at the last minute, and another three or four who just didn't turn up - luckily, it was a very casual  affair, no sit down meal, just a buffet, so it didn't really matter and I had such a great day - although fraught with a bit of drama! I didn't hold it against them, these things happen!

[Fleur]

You are quite right not to go. No true friend would expect you to under the circumstances.