Author Topic: How unhappy would you be?  (Read 5667 times)

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JonGirl

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Re: How unhappy would you be?
« Reply #15 on: October 20, 2012, 01:09:02 AM »
OP, if next year that guy asks what you are going to do for his day, simply tell him, "What you did for mine."

My birthday was yesterday.  My DH had to work, one sister sent a card and gift, the other called, zilch from my brother, nieces and nephews, or friends.  It stings, especially after spending $50+ on each of my nieces and nephews for their days. 

DH did take me to lunch today, and, as I watched a birthday party in progress, I realized that I must be one of those people that just don't have parties thrown for them, or if anyone remembers it's their birthday, it's an afterthought.  There are those who live outside of people's consideration, and I must be one of them.


Mine too!! Happy birthday to us!  :D

My DH got me a cake and a new Tori Amos cd.  Chocolate mud.  I might have a piece left *hands cake to BaronsMom*
Went out for dinner with DS and parents since DH works nights.
Stewart/Colbert '16

LifeOnPluto

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Re: How unhappy would you be?
« Reply #16 on: October 20, 2012, 01:28:07 AM »


In the first week of October he tells me he has my birthday in my diary, he's going to make me a cake etc. I say just remembering it will be enough, and I'll see him two days after my actual birthday. He says he'll text me on the day (he doesn't).

Two days later I breeze in as usual. How are you? he says. Well, I'm another year older, I say. I know, he says. Then we are swept up in business.

And that is it. No happy birthday. No mention of it again - because he spends that day and most of the next avoiding me. When I do see him I am pleasant and don't refer to it.


Re: the bolded - it sounds like he took that at face value. He probably thought "Oh sweet, Bethalize doesn't want me to go to the bother of making her a cake! All she wants me to do is remember her, on her birthday! That lets me off the hook."

So on that basis, I don't think he's rude for not making you a cake or getting you a present or anything.

However, he should definitely have texted (or preferably called) you on your birthday, as he promised he would. And I think he should have gone to more effort to wish you happy birthday, ask you about your day, etc, when he next saw you in person.


EMuir

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Re: How unhappy would you be?
« Reply #17 on: October 20, 2012, 02:02:50 AM »
You told him just remembering it would be enough. He took you at your word.  Maybe talk to him and you can find out if that's the case. 

cabbageweevil

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Re: How unhappy would you be?
« Reply #18 on: October 20, 2012, 08:05:48 AM »
Hoping that this post will not cause offence -- not intended to, or to grind any particular axe -- just wishing to express "a thought that occurred". If post transgresses, no doubt suitable measures will be taken.

I wonder occasionally, whether the Jehovah's Witnesses are perhaps "onto something", in their belief that birthdays and their commemoration are a bad thing, with a strong tendency to stimulate the evil / selfish / malicious side of human nature, with according unhappy consequences. If I'm right -- JWs, in consequence, totally eschew birthdays and anything pertaining to same.

Likely, that is overreaction -- the birthday scene, when things go well, can be very positive and pleasant "if that's one's thing"; however, one does rather often observe birthday-related matters going wrong, and causing strife and misery rather than good fellowship and mutual affection.

Bethalize

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Re: How unhappy would you be?
« Reply #19 on: October 21, 2012, 06:04:10 AM »


Thanks for all the responses.

You're right, this is a self-centred person. It's why I expect nothing from them except the good times when they happen. However, to have my amazing cakes and not do anything at all to secure a repeat gift from me next year is pretty narcissistic.

This isnít about birthdays.  This is about an arrangement and an agreement and general reciprocity in friendship. The birthday part is irrelevant in my mind (because, as I said, this would really  really annoy me, and I am low key to the point of indifference about birthdays)

Quite. Thank you for the validation.


You told him just remembering it would be enough. He took you at your word.  Maybe talk to him and you can find out if that's the case. 

It is not enough to remember inside your head, you have to show that you actually remember it. That's a distinction I don't think needs to be made.

I just don't feel the same about this person now. When someone shows you who they are, believe them. There is no room in my life for someone who is so entitled they will take and never give. Even my most self-absorbed friends occasionally manage something generous.

Venus193

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Re: How unhappy would you be?
« Reply #20 on: October 21, 2012, 08:40:47 AM »
I've learned not to expect anything on my birthday.  I wasn't allowed to have parties as a teen and nobody ever volunteered to throw one for me as an adult.  This may or may not have anything to do with hating the embarrassing "Surprise!" being yelled or the singing restaurant waiters and the attention that attracts.

I have a few very good friends with whom I "exchange" birthday gifts.  The couple whom I made the rosaries for took me to dinner and gave me a Vera Wang handbag.  Brunhilde gave me the DVD set of Poldark.  Blanche sent perfume.  I always give gifts on birthdays unless requested not to.

Take your experience as evidence of his character and don't expect anything better of him.  There are many better people in this world.

Deetee

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Re: How unhappy would you be?
« Reply #21 on: October 21, 2012, 09:36:57 AM »
I know I already said this, but I want to say it again. I don't think this is a birthday issue. The OP agreed to make the cupcakes etc.. if he wanted to celebrate her birthday. He requested this change in a level of birthday celebration. Then he bailed, reneged or wimped out on his end.

It could have been an agreement to give rides to the airport, to pet sit, to watch movies that the other preferred with enthusiasm. He took the benefit and bailed.

bopper

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Re: How unhappy would you be?
« Reply #22 on: October 22, 2012, 01:15:51 PM »
I would walk into his office and say "So where are you taking me for my birthday lunch?"

or "I know you have been busy, but we agreed to trade birthday cakes.  I like chocolate by the way." 

Bethalize

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Re: How unhappy would you be?
« Reply #23 on: October 22, 2012, 05:36:35 PM »
My friend I was just talking to says I'm evil. Why? Because I'm not going to do or say anything. Not for ages. And when the subject does come up I shall say something along the lines of: "As you enjoyed your birthday gifts from me so much I assumed that the  reason you didn't get me anything or say happy birthday was that your life was going really, really badly at the time. I didn't want to add to your worries by reminding you that you had promised to mark my birthday in return in case you had terrible problems you couldn't share with me."

I think I can deliver this in the right concerned fashion. But should I?! >:D

julianna

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Re: How unhappy would you be?
« Reply #24 on: October 22, 2012, 08:25:06 PM »
My friend I was just talking to says I'm evil. Why? Because I'm not going to do or say anything. Not for ages. And when the subject does come up I shall say something along the lines of: "As you enjoyed your birthday gifts from me so much I assumed that the  reason you didn't get me anything or say happy birthday was that your life was going really, really badly at the time. I didn't want to add to your worries by reminding you that you had promised to mark my birthday in return in case you had terrible problems you couldn't share with me."

I think I can deliver this in the right concerned fashion. But should I?! >:D

Why do you think the subject will come up?


Deetee

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Re: How unhappy would you be?
« Reply #25 on: October 22, 2012, 09:11:51 PM »
While I was entirely behind you until now, I hate your plan. It's a planned passive aggressive guilt trip which is a trifecta of everything I hate most in communication.

If you are upset let him know or let it go.

LifeOnPluto

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Re: How unhappy would you be?
« Reply #26 on: October 23, 2012, 05:16:20 AM »
While I was entirely behind you until now, I hate your plan. It's a planned passive aggressive guilt trip which is a trifecta of everything I hate most in communication.

If you are upset let him know or let it go.

I agree with this.

If you're upset, talk to him now. Tell him that whilst you may not have expected him to make some kind of super-cake, you at least expected some kind of acknowledgement beyond him "remembering" in his head that it was your birthday.

Otherwise, let it go.

Bethalize

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Re: How unhappy would you be?
« Reply #27 on: October 23, 2012, 11:58:19 AM »
Yeah. I'm just not associating with him any more.

lowspark

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Re: How unhappy would you be?
« Reply #28 on: October 23, 2012, 12:00:32 PM »
I vote for "let it go". Just chalk it up to experience. This really isn't worth getting in a twist over any more than you already have.

As far as commenting to him, either now or later, I have a sort of test (for my own purposes) to determine whether it's a good idea or not: Can I possibly benefit from saying something? Sometimes the answer is yes, telling a good friend that something she did hurt you, for example. It clears the air, makes the friend understand what she did wrong, and hopefully, makes the friend realize not to do it again.

But in a case like this, do you think this person is really going to change? And are you going to put that to the test by again celebrating his birthday and then waiting to see if he reciprocates?

One more comment: in my experience, telling someone they wronged you when there is no benefit other than the expected feeling you will have from getting it off your chest is highly overrated -- it's disappointing about 99% of the time.