Two levels of wedding hosting...proper or not? Just curious...

[GrammarNerd]

Another post about a wedding got me thinking....

I've heard of weddings where a person is invited to the wedding ceremony and then the dance later that night.  There was a dinner in between, but not all people were invited to the meal. 

I get it...you want people to celebrate with you, but you just have to draw the line somewhere at the cost, so you invite some people with a reduced level of hospitality...i.e. you don't provide a meal for them.  But where is this OK vs. being etiquettely incorrect?

When I was a lot younger, I went to a wedding for a friend and just was invited to the ceremony and dance.  I honestly thought that they were JUST having a dance to save money or something, since I wasn't invited to the dinner.  So I was kind of surprised when I got there and there were tables set up, jackets on chairs, drinks and crumbs on tables...it was obvious there had been a meal there and everything had just been cleared away.  And that I wasn't invited to said meal.  Cue me feeling rather uncomfortable, as if my 'invitation' was just to be polite b/c she knew me, but she didn't really want me there.  Also, adding to my uncomfortable feelings, I didn't see anyone else who was apparently just arriving for only the dance, as I was, so in addition to feeling B list, I felt very 'singled-out-B-list'.  Everyone else already had tables (from eating), were in groups, were talking about the wedding, etc.

Like I said, I get it...they can invite whoever they want, provide whatever hospitality they want.  Obviously they had to draw the line somewhere, so I was apparently on the other side of that line.  But how can something like that be done so that it's not soooo obvious that there was an A list and a B list and the B list people don't end up feeling uncomfortable and out of place, as I did?

And like I also said, I'm just curious.

And incidentally, for my wedding, people were either invited to the whole thing or not at all.  We didn't make distinctions.  Frankly, I couldn't...when it came down to it, either we wanted them there or we didn't.  And having been on the receiving end, I didn't want to cause people to feel uncomfortable as I'd felt at that one wedding.  So I just put it out of my mind as not even an option.

ETA-fixed wording typo.

[Shoo]

There should never be 2 levels of hospitality.  If you can't afford to feed everyone, you need to scale down your event so that every guest is treated equally.

[Sharnita]

It strikes me as rude.  Apparently there are places where it is done but it would absolutely raise eyebrows and offend people around here.

[Yvaine]

It's rude, and it's double rude to have them in the same place and so close in time that the evidence of the A-list hospitality is sitting right there when you arrive. If one must do this, make it so intimate a dinner that it's only a small handful of people who will keep it a secret, and don't let the B-list see the evidence!

[lowspark]

There should never be 2 levels of hospitality.  If you can't afford to feed everyone, you need to scale down your event so that every guest is treated equally.

Pod. What that bride/groom did was incredibly rude.

[shivering]

Very rude. Way to make those guests feel like 2nd class citizens. Weddings are clearly expensive, but I'd rather not be invited than get dressed up, give up my time and spend money on a gift to attend a wedding only to realize that I don't merit "A" level hospitality.

I suppose there are ways to do this: have a ceremony and then a gap where the bride and groom takes a small group (wedding party, close family and friends) to dinner at a restaurant or someone's home and then goes to the dance reception at a different venue. This way it's less obvious.

[MummySweet]

In the UK it is very common to invite people to the ceremony and an "evening reception" (dancing, drinks and nibbles), but to not invite them to the wedding breakfast/lunch/dinner (full meal, toasts, etc.) that occurs shortly after the ceremony.    During the years I lived there, I found that people accepted this as a norm, and didn't view it as an "A" list, "B" list situation.   

However, I was taught  that if you invite someone to one part of the festivities, you invite them to all parts and still feel that it is inconsiderate to do it any other way.

[Winterlight]

It's rude, and it's double rude to have them in the same place and so close in time that the evidence of the A-list hospitality is sitting right there when you arrive. If one must do this, make it so intimate a dinner that it's only a small handful of people who will keep it a secret, and don't let the B-list see the evidence!

Seconded with a caveat. I gather this is common in the UK, so I would not judge someone rude for following this local tradition. However, in the US it would be very rude.

[GrammarNerd]

It's rude, and it's double rude to have them in the same place and so close in time that the evidence of the A-list hospitality is sitting right there when you arrive. If one must do this, make it so intimate a dinner that it's only a small handful of people who will keep it a secret, and don't let the B-list see the evidence!

Seconded with a caveat. I gather this is common in the UK, so I would not judge someone rude for following this local tradition. However, in the US it would be very rude.

FYI...this was circa early to mid 90s, and I am in the US.  Midwest.

[Sharnita]

It's rude, and it's double rude to have them in the same place and so close in time that the evidence of the A-list hospitality is sitting right there when you arrive. If one must do this, make it so intimate a dinner that it's only a small handful of people who will keep it a secret, and don't let the B-list see the evidence!

Seconded with a caveat. I gather this is common in the UK, so I would not judge someone rude for following this local tradition. However, in the US it would be very rude.

FYI...this was circa early to mid 90s, and I am in the US.  Midwest.

oooooh, no, rude

[Snooks]

In the UK it is very common to invite people to the ceremony and an "evening reception" (dancing, drinks and nibbles), but to not invite them to the wedding breakfast/lunch/dinner (full meal, toasts, etc.) that occurs shortly after the ceremony.    During the years I lived there, I found that people accepted this as a norm, and didn't view it as an "A" list, "B" list situation.   

However, I was taught  that if you invite someone to one part of the festivities, you invite them to all parts and still feel that it is inconsiderate to do it any other way.

I don't think it's common to be invited to the ceremony and the evening reception but not the wedding breakfast.  The weddings I've been to have gone along the lines of one group (family/close friends) for the ceremony, wedding breakfast and evening reception with buffet and another group just for the evening reception and buffet.

[Perfect Circle]

I agree Snooks, that's how every wedding I've been to with this sort of arrangement has worked.

[etiquetteE]

I think this is rude.

[Snooks]

I think this is rude.

Could you elaborate?  I'm curious because anyone who's been a bridesmaid in the UK would find the US tradition of paying for your own outfit rude.  Some things are just different in different cultures.

[DaDancingPsych]

I do feel that it's rude, at least according to my US customs. I want to add that if I was the B lister, I would not only be upset that I wasn't included for the dinner, but I would also be irritated by the time factor. Any wedding where there is significant time between the ceremony and the reception, guests have to figure out what to do with themselves. It's not always possible to head home (or often times makes no sense with the price of gas). Sometimes you get "lucky" and can squeeze in an errand, but I often hate doing that, because I am dressed in somewhat formal attire. Many times I have found myself killing time by driving in circles, sitting my car, sipping tea at a restaurant (usually I'm starving, but I know a meal is coming, so I sip and starve), ect. It can be a real pain to figure out what to do with yourself. If I found out that I waited an hour (my guess at the meal length) more, then I would not be pleased.