Two levels of wedding hosting...proper or not? Just curious...

[blue2000]

Very rude. Way to make those guests feel like 2nd class citizens. Weddings are clearly expensive, but I'd rather not be invited than get dressed up, give up my time and spend money on a gift to attend a wedding only to realize that I don't merit "A" level hospitality.

I suppose there are ways to do this: have a ceremony and then a gap where the bride and groom takes a small group (wedding party, close family and friends) to dinner at a restaurant or someone's home and then goes to the dance reception at a different venue. This way it's less obvious.

Less obvious can still go very wrong.

I was invited to a wedding where the bride and groom did this. I think I mentioned it on here because I was a little disgusted.

There was an early afternoon ceremony, followed by a small dinner for the bride's close family and friends, attended by the bride and groom. There was also a dinner for the groom's close family not attended (or paid for) by the bride and groom. And then there were the 'not quite close enough' guests who had to find their own dinner before the late reception and the dancing. There was a bit of a dust-up in the parking lot because some people felt very slighted over this.

Mind you, all this was in addition to having about twice the number of guests at the reception as the ceremony. There were some other interesting choices as well. But the bride and groom had a blast, and it is their day, right?

[Snooks]

In the UK it is very common to invite people to the ceremony and an "evening reception" (dancing, drinks and nibbles), but to not invite them to the wedding breakfast/lunch/dinner (full meal, toasts, etc.) that occurs shortly after the ceremony.    During the years I lived there, I found that people accepted this as a norm, and didn't view it as an "A" list, "B" list situation.   

However, I was taught  that if you invite someone to one part of the festivities, you invite them to all parts and still feel that it is inconsiderate to do it any other way.

I don't think it's common to be invited to the ceremony and the evening reception but not the wedding breakfast.  The weddings I've been to have gone along the lines of one group (family/close friends) for the ceremony, wedding breakfast and evening reception with buffet and another group just for the evening reception and buffet.

I've never seen an occasion where there was a wedding held early enough to be followed by a breakfast, then an evening (I am assuming post-dinner?) reception. That's just a huge gap!

I believe that in GB the wedding "breakfast" is really more like an early lunch or brunch - taking place around 12 noon.  Most guests likely would have had their real breakfast hours ago.  Some Church of England clergy prefer morning weddings, so this kind of fits.

Sorry, I thought wedding breakfast was a universal term, it literally means breaking the fast after the wedding.  The weddings I've been to have taken place early afternoon, followed by a meal mid afternoon then dancing and a buffet put out around 8pm.

[immadz]

From what i have seen the meal in between and the wedding breakfast is usually attended by out of town guests and family. Presumably because they are far from home and don't have a place to go rest and grab a quick meal. I don't have a huge problem with it.

[lemons]

I've actually seen something similar to this happen once with extended relatives on my MIL's side.

There was the church wedding, followed by a buffet dinner (cold cuts, etc) in the parish hall.  After a while the "Dance" started, which was open to all members of the community.  If you weren't invited to the wedding and dinner, you could pay a small admission fee and go to the dance.

I had never seen this before - there was an actual ticket table by the front door.  I asked my MIL about it the next day and she explained to me that it was very common when she was growing up in the same town.  It's very rural and there isn't much to do on a weekend evening, so the bride and groom essentially allow anyone to come to the dance and they make a small amount of money for it.  My MIL told me that whe she was in high school that she and her friends would often go to wedding dances on Saturday night.

I don't know that they ever invitied someone just for the wedding and dance, given that the setup in her town was such that you went from the chapel to the parish hall, so I don't think that would work well.

[Niamh84]

I live in Ireland and as far as I have seen it is quite common here to have additional guests to just the dance part after the dinner.  The way it is generally done is that people are given official invitations to the full event, ceremony, dinner and all.  Then verbal invites are issued to extra people like colleagues and acquaintances that they are welcome to the "afters" and given a later time.  They would not be expected to give a gift.  There is usually some buffet food put out later on also.  I wouldn't consider it rude if I was invited to someones afters.

However, it's not something I would choose to do myself.  I've been to two wedding afters and I didn't know the bride and groom at all and I would really dislike the idea of people I'm not familiar with at my own wedding, even at the later stage in the day so, for myself, I would just have a smaller wedding with everyone there invited to all events of the day.  (The only exception I can see is that perhaps, if there were some friends I can't invite as I cannot have that many people - if they were to specifically say they would like to come to the afters, I would probably say okay.

[redcat]

If it helps, I think most people in the UK at least don't think of it as an A and a B list to one event, but rather as two separate lists to two different events.  The two events are both to celebrate the marriage and are on the same day, and the second list includes everyone on the first list, but they are still two separate events.

[Twik]

If it helps, I think most people in the UK at least don't think of it as an A and a B list to one event, but rather as two separate lists to two different events.  The two events are both to celebrate the marriage and are on the same day, and the second list includes everyone on the first list, but they are still two separate events.

But it still makes clear, "A" people are close enough to be invited to the first event and celebrate the marriage, and "B" people are not. While in some cases, this is accepted by all (such as the "hey, everyone in town, come down and dance!" sort of thing), it could be very hurtful to someone to discover that they only made the "B" list, when they expected to be an "A".

[squashedfrog]

I think this is rude.

Could you elaborate?  I'm curious because anyone who's been a bridesmaid in the UK would find the US tradition of paying for your own outfit rude.  Some things are just different in different cultures.

[/b]

Couldn't agree more.  its something that often causes disagreements but the different cultures must be taken into consideration.  I could never understand how the bride and groom could afford 10 bridesmaids in the party at US weddings, until I realised that those bridesmaids were expected to pay for their own dresses, shoes, hair, and pay for a party for the bride.  Its would be considered rude over here, but different strokes for different folks.   

The average UK wedding can last 13-14 hours (wedding at 1pm, arrive at the venue 3pm, then dinner, then evening reception and a buffet or bbq, closing at 1am).   The evening guests are catered for.   

Thats why UK weddings will tend to have a cash bar, but provide their wedding breakfast with around 5 free drinks (drink on arrival, two to three glasses of wine over the meal, champagne toast).  Otherwise paying for 150 peoples drinks for 10 hours tends to cost five times as much as the whole wedding church cars rings and food put together.

[ClaireC79]

it could be very hurtful to someone to discover that they only made the "B" list, when they expected to be an "A".

And if they thought they were A list and didn't get an invitation at all? wouldn't that still be hurtful?  If you think you have a closer relationship to the host/hostess than they think they have to you, that's not their fault.

I've not known anyone, in the UK, be upset at 'just' being invited to the evening part

[Perfect Circle]

it could be very hurtful to someone to discover that they only made the "B" list, when they expected to be an "A".

And if they thought they were A list and didn't get an invitation at all? wouldn't that still be hurtful?  If you think you have a closer relationship to the host/hostess than they think they have to you, that's not their fault.

I've not known anyone, in the UK, be upset at 'just' being invited to the evening part

I haven't either. I think it's just one of those things where we have to accept that things are done differently in different cultures and neither is right.

[Sharnita]

Oh, I would guess people are hurt not to make the A list just like people in the US are hurt not to be invited to he wedding of somebody they thought to be close to them.  and of course, if the person with hurt feelings is observing etiquette they don't broadcast their feelings.

[Yvaine]

Oh, I would guess people are hurt not to make the A list just like people in the US are hurt not to be invited to he wedding of somebody they thought to be close to them.  and of course, if the person with hurt feelings is observing etiquette they don't broadcast their feelings.

I think the posters from the UK who are weighing in on this have probably experienced this themselves, and that they know whether they themselves were hurt by it.

[Perfect Circle]

Oh, I would guess people are hurt not to make the A list just like people in the US are hurt not to be invited to he wedding of somebody they thought to be close to them.  and of course, if the person with hurt feelings is observing etiquette they don't broadcast their feelings.

I think the posters from the UK who are weighing in on this have probably experienced this themselves, and that they know whether they themselves were hurt by it.

I really do think it's such an ingrained custom that people really are not hurt by it.

[Sharnita]

Oh, I would guess people are hurt not to make the A list just like people in the US are hurt not to be invited to he wedding of somebody they thought to be close to them.  and of course, if the person with hurt feelings is observing etiquette they don't broadcast their feelings.

I think the posters from the UK who are weighing in on this have probably experienced this themselves, and that they know whether they themselves were hurt by it.

Themselves, of course.  The entire population? Probably not.  I don't mind being the times I've been asked to pay for my own bridesmaid dress.  Can I say that is true of everyone in the US? Not really. Probably the majority but because people with good manners keep quiet even when they are a bit bothered it would probably be hard to figure exact percentages.

[jammytoast]

I think it can cause awkwardness - mutual friends of ours were invited to the evening part of a reception which was held on a Wednesday on the other side of the country (UK). We had been invited to the whole thing and they're good things so went, but our mutual friends didn't (unsurprisingly). To be fair, said mutual friends had invited the wedding couple to the evening do of their wedding!

I think the evening reception invitation ony works where the invitee is local, and e.g. colleagues, in the situation where there's a large friendly office, but no one person that can be invited above others.

It may be just my own impression, but gifts just don't seem to be as big a deal in the UK generally. I do give wedding gifts (BF and I have a set budget which we spend on every wedding couple), but I've never given an engagement gift, definitely not a shower gift (never been to one!), asked any of my friends what they've received, or had them even mention gifts to me (apart from when I asked for the wedding list). I rarely give/receive birthday presents as well, apart from v.close friends and family.