Author Topic: Are You Spying On Me?  (Read 2860 times)

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donnamos2

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Are You Spying On Me?
« on: October 19, 2012, 11:06:04 PM »
Yet another XH-related etiquette issue...

I mentioned in a previous thread that per our divorce settlement, XH and I had to sell our house, and I was looking for a new one.  Selling the house was even worse than I expected (but of course, since, XH was involved), but we got through it.  Now Babymoss and I are ensconced in New House, and that seems to be the issue.

The way XH and I handled visitation before the house sale was mostly at the house.  For short visits, I allowed XH to visit with her there.  It sort of worked out that way because when we first were separated, she was going through an attachment phase and would just have a meltdown if he left the house with her.  However, these visits were incredibly hard on me because I had to BE there, too, all while dealing with the emotional mess of the divorce and XH's attempts to get me to engage.  As time went on, I really felt like XH was manipulating the situation: he would never make plans to take her anywhere, and worse, would encourage me to go away while he was there.  That was a non-starter, since XH is totally untrustworthy - I had some lovely jewelry that is no more, and I know (but can't definitively prove) that he stole it.

At any rate, New House combined with Babymoss' age helped me end this situation completely.  The first few times he came for visitation, I had someone with me, and we would be heading out while handing her off to him.  The first time I did this, he sort of spluttered and wondered aloud what they would do as I locked up the house and headed toward my friend's car.  I just said, "Well, there's the park down the street, there's the McD's playland over that way...  We'll be back at X:30, see you then, bye!"  He would have made a horrible scene if I hadn't had an audience, so he backed down.  That went on, but now I just have Babymoss and myself ready, we walk out, I lock up, I hand her over and that's it.  Sometimes I run errands, sometimes I go to the gym, sometimes I just drive around for ten minutes until I know he's gone.  But - Mission Accomplished! Babymoss gets to spend time with XH and I no longer have to.

I should have realized that wouldn't be the end of it.  Babymoss has some playmates among the kids of XH's friends, and one couple in particular have twin girls practically the same age.  While I'm not crazy about them personally, the girls all really seem to get along, and Girls' Mom and I have been routinely setting up regular playdates together since before XH and I were even separated.  However, the last few playdates seemed to be at my house, and GM seemed kind of pushy: she stayed the entire time, asked for a tour, asked lots of questions ("Is that new?"), and was frankly a little snide.  After one exchange regarding a chair that I re-upholstered (myself, thanks - I have the cuts and bruises to prove it) that was beginning to get heated, I finally said, "Geez, who are you, the KGB?"  Probably not e-hell approved, but honestly, I felt like I was being interrogated.

She seemed a little taken aback to be confronted. We went back and forth a bit, GM saying that she was just interested about the house, me saying that even my mother hadn't expressed her level of interest, so what was going on? 

Turns out that XH has been so peeved that I am not letting him roam about at will in my residence, that he has been saying to all and sundry that something must be Going On. That I must be Hiding Something. That perhaps I'm even already Co-habitating With Someone.

I was so angry, but managed to say, "Well, what's going on is I AM decorating, I AM hiding paint wheels and fabric swatches, and I AM living with a raccoon and her new litter in the attic!  So you can report back faithfully that he is completely right!"  (And yes, the raccoon thing is true, but Wildlife Rehabilitation comes this weekend to get them for re-location.)

I honestly don't want to break Babymoss away from her friends, but I can't live with this woman coming over to spy on me!  Or her girls!  It's not that there is even anything nefarious going on; I just want to be left in peace and not have any of XH's toxicity touch my home.  What do I do?

rain

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Re: Are You Spying On Me?
« Reply #1 on: October 19, 2012, 11:15:28 PM »
play dates at McDonald's playland


((hugs)) sorry your ex is such a butt
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SamiHami

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Re: Are You Spying On Me?
« Reply #2 on: October 19, 2012, 11:18:11 PM »
No more playdates at your house, that's for sure. What a horrible busybody!

What have you got? Is it food? Is it for me? I want it whatever it is!

wolfie

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Re: Are You Spying On Me?
« Reply #3 on: October 19, 2012, 11:18:45 PM »
I would stop having playdates at my house. She's proven that she is not trustworthy. I don't remember how old your daughter is but considering how you refer to her I am guessing she isn't even in school yet. She probably won't even notice the missing playdates.

dorabee

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Re: Are You Spying On Me?
« Reply #4 on: October 19, 2012, 11:22:57 PM »
I agree, play dates away from your home. It's your private space and you deserve to have that respected, and if they won't respect it then it is reasonable to take steps to protect it.

I wonder... would it be inappropriate though to tell her bluntly why she's no longer invited into your home if she has the cheek to ask? I can't think why it would be but you never know I suppose. I think I'd be too angry though to ever want to associate with her again. I'd find new play date friends for your little one.