Help! Where do I spend Christmas? (long) update p25, p45

[LifeOnPluto]

Thanks again for the responses everyone. They have given me food for thought.

A few of you have asked whether there is a good side to DF. Of course there is. Otherwise I wouldn't be with him. For example, he is hard-working. He has a stressful 8am-5pm job during the week, and on weekends he works hard around the house and yard to make the place look nice. He is also very loyal, and completely committed to this relationship - he is not the sort of guy who'd ever cheat or anything like that. He is also gentle and loves animals and small children (and they seem to love him too). We also have very similar tastes in music, TV, movies, etc.

 I guess I only share the negative side of him here, because after all, these are boards for solving issues (notwithstanding the "Good News" folder). When things are going well between us (and overall, they have been lately) there is no need to post about him.

On a similar note, I believe things have improved since I wrote those posts in 2010. He has cut back on his drinking when out in public. He really only drinks at home these days. He has also been making an effort to be more romantic. On a couple of occasions, he has surprised me by organising movie tickets and dinner after work. And he has been trying new things. For example, I enjoy skiing, so last year he accompanied me to the snow, and had a go at skiing too. He has also made a greater effort to get on with my parents (and they have too, notwithstanding this recent incident).

I should also clarify that part of the attraction for him in staying in CurrentCity for Christmas is that he REALLY loves our house and garden (so much so that he even suggested having our wedding reception in the backyard! Luckily, I managed to veto that idea).

I will definitely speak to him about what we might do as a couple on Christmas Day, should I decide to stay in CurrentCity. If he  doesn't want to do anything special, I honestly think I'll go to MyHomeCity.

[Winterlight]

I will definitely speak to him about what we might do as a couple on Christmas Day, should I decide to stay in CurrentCity. If he  doesn't want to do anything special, I honestly think I'll go to MyHomeCity.

Sounds like a sensible plan.

[MyFamily]

Thank you for sharing the good side of your DF.  I knew it had to be there, otherwise why would you be with him?  I'm glad he's cut back on the drinking, and that things are going well (with the exception of this Christmas issue).  I hope you can work out something soon so that you can both be happy.

[DavidH]

I can see why based on your previous posts your DF would not want to spend time around your family.  Telling you that you should reconsider getting engaged to him is not a lead in to pleasant family gatherings. 

I also see why sitting at home watching him get drunk is not your idea of a fun Christmas. 

I think you need to find a middle ground since if you get married, you will likely have many more similar occasions to deal with.

One option is staying in a hotel;  I think you should consider whether that would work this year too.  Maybe suggest that and see what he says.  One

It sounds like you haven't asked him what he is planing for Christmas day yet.  I would do that first, and then based on his answer go from there.  If his plans are as you expect, then rather than focusing on his not drinking, focus on what you want to do.  Something along the lines of, I'd really like Christmas day to be special, what sounds like fun to you or why don't we do ....  I think a conversation of I don't want to stay home and watch you drink is very different than one around I'd really like to do XYZ, how does that sound to you.

[tiff019]

Thanks again for the responses everyone. They have given me food for thought.

A few of you have asked whether there is a good side to DF. Of course there is. Otherwise I wouldn't be with him. For example, he is hard-working. He has a stressful 8am-5pm job during the week, and on weekends he works hard around the house and yard to make the place look nice. He is also very loyal, and completely committed to this relationship - he is not the sort of guy who'd ever cheat or anything like that. He is also gentle and loves animals and small children (and they seem to love him too). We also have very similar tastes in music, TV, movies, etc.

 I guess I only share the negative side of him here, because after all, these are boards for solving issues (notwithstanding the "Good News" folder). When things are going well between us (and overall, they have been lately) there is no need to post about him.

On a similar note, I believe things have improved since I wrote those posts in 2010. He has cut back on his drinking when out in public. He really only drinks at home these days. He has also been making an effort to be more romantic. On a couple of occasions, he has surprised me by organising movie tickets and dinner after work. And he has been trying new things. For example, I enjoy skiing, so last year he accompanied me to the snow, and had a go at skiing too. He has also made a greater effort to get on with my parents (and they have too, notwithstanding this recent incident).

I should also clarify that part of the attraction for him in staying in CurrentCity for Christmas is that he REALLY loves our house and garden (so much so that he even suggested having our wedding reception in the backyard! Luckily, I managed to veto that idea).

I will definitely speak to him about what we might do as a couple on Christmas Day, should I decide to stay in CurrentCity. If he  doesn't want to do anything special, I honestly think I'll go to MyHomeCity.

Is there a way you could do both? Spend Christmas Day with him, then travel and see your family/friends in Home City? I'm actually doing something similar this year to spend the holiday with two sides of the family (my parents are divorced). My DH and I are driving to my dad's (~6 hr drive from home) then I'm flying from there to visit my mom for the rest of the week and DH will drive back home alone. We get to spend the actual holiday together (well xmas eve and xmas morning) and i get to see both of my parents on xmas day (dad in the am mom in the pm the way my flight works out). It's not perfect, but it's a good compromise this year. (Last year we stayed home, my mom flew to us, and we had xmas with DH's family including my mom - and then I did a late xmas with dad over the MLK weekend in January)