Author Topic: Is there any potential for continuing this friendship?  (Read 5390 times)

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Jocelyn

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Is there any potential for continuing this friendship?
« on: October 21, 2012, 12:47:06 PM »
BG is very important here. This friendship was with a supervisor. She told me that, for various reasons, my position would be eliminated. Because I was dependent upon her for good references, I didn't press the point at the time, that I felt like if she'd gone to bat for me, the decision might have been reversed. So we sort of continued along, and that point was never addressed. I obtained a job elsewhere, and over the summer I was packing to move to the new town to start the new job at the beginning of the school year. We talked several times on the phone and even met for lunch. I helped her with a project she was working on. Then, in July, I was diagnosed with cancer. I moved, and came back a couple of days after the move to have surgery to remove the tumor. I let her know what was happening. However, I haven't received any contact from her since then. She didn't call while I was in the hospital, while I was recuperating at home, or since I've started working again. It's barely possible that she might have heard an update from a mutual friend, but it seems to me that just because one's curiosity is satisfied about a friend's condition, that doesn't remove an obligation to actually call the friend and inquire about their health.
Right now I'm waffling about whether there is any potential for continuing the friendship. I'm pretty hurt about her never calling to find out how the surgery went, and what is my prognosis. I'm hurt that the project I consulted on should have led to a big promotion for her and she hasn't contacted me to let me know what happened. I'm getting the feeling that maybe all along, it was all about how useful I could be to her, and now she's decided that since I'm of no further use, I no longer exist.
All right, Ehellions: should I contact her or just let it go? If I contact her, what should I say? Is telling her how I feel just a refinement of retaliatory rudeness?

Knitterly

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Re: Is there any potential for continuing this friendship?
« Reply #1 on: October 21, 2012, 12:56:43 PM »
Let it go.  I would say that she is not a friend.  As you said, a friend would contact you to find out how you are doing.

I would say that yours was a professional friendship.  Sometimes those look and feel like real friendships, but unlike real friendships, they do not continue once the professional relationship has ended.

I would focus on getting well and rely on your true friends for support.

((hug))

Roe

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Re: Is there any potential for continuing this friendship?
« Reply #2 on: October 21, 2012, 01:34:03 PM »
I'm getting the feeling that maybe all along, it was all about how useful I could be to her, and now she's decided that since I'm of no further use, I no longer exist.

I'd say your feeling is correct.

IMO, I would not contact her.  It's difficult when friends turn out not to be a friend but at least now you know. 


Bijou

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Re: Is there any potential for continuing this friendship?
« Reply #3 on: October 21, 2012, 01:50:07 PM »
Let it go.  I would say that she is not a friend.  As you said, a friend would contact you to find out how you are doing.

I would say that yours was a professional friendship.  Sometimes those look and feel like real friendships, but unlike real friendships, they do not continue once the professional relationship has ended.

I would focus on getting well and rely on your true friends for support.

((hug))
I agree with this.  Let it go.  Although it would have been nice for her to have made contact to see how things are, she may not see the relationship in the same way and feel it would be pushy of her to do so. 
I've never knitted anything I could recognize when it was finished.  Actually, I've never finished anything, much to my family's relief.

secretrebel

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Re: Is there any potential for continuing this friendship?
« Reply #4 on: October 22, 2012, 07:58:16 AM »
Do you miss her? Do you want to see her? Do you like her and trust her?

If the answers are "no" then don't make contact. What would be the point?

Sparkle Star

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Re: Is there any potential for continuing this friendship?
« Reply #5 on: October 22, 2012, 08:05:25 AM »
Let it go.  I would say that she is not a friend.  As you said, a friend would contact you to find out how you are doing.

I would say that yours was a professional friendship.  Sometimes those look and feel like real friendships, but unlike real friendships, they do not continue once the professional relationship has ended.

I would focus on getting well and rely on your true friends for support.

((hug))

POD. She clearly has no interest in a personal friendship - I agree that the basis was purely professional.
I am sorry that you're hurt though; I must admit I'm surprised she's never enquired how you are.
Love, dance and chocolate fudge cake - what more do I need?

RebeccainGA

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Re: Is there any potential for continuing this friendship?
« Reply #6 on: October 22, 2012, 08:31:03 AM »
I've had lots of these - they are sort of par for the course in business now. We all work more hours, and spend as much time awake with our coworkers as with our families (if we work full time), so we end up feeling like they are our friends - even though they may totally forget you as soon as you walk out the door. I'd say give it up as gone. Tough lesson, to be sure.

bopper

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Re: Is there any potential for continuing this friendship?
« Reply #7 on: October 22, 2012, 11:10:06 AM »
I don't think you need to drop her as a friend as it seems she has already dropped you.

BeagleMommy

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Re: Is there any potential for continuing this friendship?
« Reply #8 on: October 22, 2012, 01:40:12 PM »
POD to everyone who's said to let it go.  I completely understand how hurt you must be, but I think it would be best for your health to concentrate on those on whom you know you can trust.

GSNW

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Re: Is there any potential for continuing this friendship?
« Reply #9 on: October 22, 2012, 02:02:12 PM »
It's funny how a massive personal tragedy can reveal people's true colors.  People you never knew cared come out of the woodwork to show their support, and people you counted on to be supportive might evaporate.  Either way, take it as a clear sign that this person is not a friend for the long haul.  Casual friendly acquaintance, fine, but IMO there's no reason to pursue a friendship here.

Mikayla

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Re: Is there any potential for continuing this friendship?
« Reply #10 on: October 22, 2012, 07:10:25 PM »
I agree with the others, as long as you're sure your attempt to reach her succeeded.  If this is out of character for her, and you made one attempt at voice mail/text/e-mail, there's always that possibility she never got it.  And if she didn't, she may be thinking you're annoyed with her for some reason, or even that she's hurt you never told her about your diagnosis.

I've been on both ends of these miscues, so I thought I'd at least mention it. 

Sneezy

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Re: Is there any potential for continuing this friendship?
« Reply #11 on: October 25, 2012, 12:12:44 AM »
If you enjoyed contact with her, just call. She may be keeping her distance and not wanting to intrude. A lot of times, someone doesn't know what to say or do, or they think that you may not have time to deal with her on top of everything else and don't make contact.

Jocelyn

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Re: Is there any potential for continuing this friendship? Update #12
« Reply #12 on: November 02, 2012, 06:18:08 PM »
I received a note from her. The big promotion has come through, she just wanted to let me know that. And thanks for all the help.
Her explanation was that she'd misplaced my email address. Which doesn't explain why she didn't at least TRY to see if my phone still worked.
So now what do I do? Is it just rude to not reply? Or would replying be opening an unfortunate can of worms?

Isisnin

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Re: Is there any potential for continuing this friendship?
« Reply #13 on: November 02, 2012, 07:28:34 PM »
If you don't want any relationship with her, it is not rude to reply.  But not replying can open a can of worms in that, as a past supervisor, she is a valuable reference for your career.

So you should consider replying to at least maintain a professional relationship with her.  A simple response just congratulating her on the promo and letting her know how you are would do. 

However, if you really felt like you and she were friends, as in you went out together a lot, maybe ask her to meet for lunch or something.  Then when you meet, let her know you were hurt she hadn't contacted you and see how it goes.

MOM21SON

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Re: Is there any potential for continuing this friendship?
« Reply #14 on: November 02, 2012, 07:33:53 PM »
Knowing what I know about people that I thought were my friends, I would not respond.  The results could be really hurtful.