Another Noisy Neighbor question . . .

[jpcher]

This time I feel that "we" were wrong. The "we" being the people in my house. Specifically DD#2 and her BFbob.

Last Tuesday night I was in bed reading, it was 9:something p.m. All the windows were open, and it seemed that NN was setting up her stereo. She was playing some tunes, VERY LOUDLY! then, the music went off and I heard her laughing saying "This stereo is kick-a***! Isn't it? The volume was turned way back up . . . at least she was playing decent tunes! "Stairway to Heaven" etc.

I didn't see a need to complain (even though I was trying to drift off) since it was still before 10:00 pm (quiet time in our town.)

Then I heard a knock on the door. I thought it was someone knocking at my door and figured that DD#2 would answer, since she and BFbob were in the living room watching TV.

Stereo went off and I heard a male voice asking NN to please turn down her stereo. I thought it was NOSH's* DH knocking on the door and making the complaint. All was quiet and I was able to drift off to sleep, so I didn't worry about it all.


Last night I found out that it was BFbob that knocked on NN's door. Apparently the music was too loud for them (DD#2 & BFbob) to hear the TV (they keep the volume on the TV down while I'm in bed.)




I was a bit put off by this because:

#1 it was still before 10:00 (9:50 when I heard the knocking)

#2 the music hadn't been playing for all that long (maybe 30-40 minutes?)

#3 I'm trying to make peace with NN so that our neighborly friendship doesn't have any strife.

#4 It wasn't BFbob's place to complain to the neighbor. Although he did it with DD#2's urging.




I almost think that an apology to NN is in order. She really has been extremely quiet in the middle of the night and hasn't been overly obnoxious with her noise since she moved in. I don't want her to be uncomfortable in her home.


What do you think I should do?






*NOSH -- Neighbor on the other side of NN's house.

[bonyk]

I don't think you should apologize.  As long as BF was polite, there was nothing improper in his request.  IMO, 9:50 is too late to play very loud music, even if quiet hours don't start until 10.

However you might have a talk with DD about having visitors doing her dirty work.

[sourwolf]

If your music is so loud that the people next door can't hear their tv they absolutely have a right to ask for it to be turned down. I'm not sure why this is even a question - were your daughter and her friend supposed to sit in silence listening to the neighbor's music and hope she played something they liked?  I think 30-40 minutes is WAY to long to be listening to someone elses music and I would have definitely gone next door earlier.   I don't think it matters who went next door.

[jaxsue]

If your music is so loud that the people next door can't hear their tv they absolutely have a right to ask for it to be turned down. I'm not sure why this is even a question - were your daughter and her friend supposed to sit in silence listening to the neighbor's music and hope she played something they liked?  I think 30-40 minutes is WAY to long to be listening to someone elses music and I would have definitely gone next door earlier.   I don't think it matters who went next door.

This.

[TootsNYC]

absolutely, you don't need to apologize!

And BFbob was absolutely within his rights to ask her to turn it down because they couldn't hear the TV.

He's a human being too, and his ordinary, run-of-the-mill activites in his life was being negatively impacted by someone else. For him to ask that person, politely, to modify their behavior to accommodate him is absolutely his right. He doesn't need to be a homeowner to do so. Nor does he need to be the resident in the home. He wasn't doing DD's "dirty work for her"--he was doing his OWN polite requesting.

Good for BFbob!

[Cosmasia]

I'm a person who has always lived in apartments and believes leaking noise is a part of the package. I cannot stand people who complain because they can hear some music, a party, someone walking etc.

I'm also going to tell you that you definitely should NOT apologize. Music that is so loud that you can't hear your own TV, low volume or not, is not appropriate at all and especially not at those hours.

Noise leakage is one thing, it's another to make your neighbors hostages to your choice of entertainment.
If you apologize, you're doing nothing but telling her that she's allowed to dictate when people can listen to their own TVs.

[snowdragon]

If you apologize, you're doing nothing but telling her that she's allowed to dictate when people can listen to their own TVs.

This, although I do believe that guests should not be the ones to confront neighbors. they don't like what is happening at the host's house they have someplace else to go - a neighbor war breaks out because a guest  ticks off the wrong person, the host has to live with it.

[Chickadee]

I'm a person who has always lived in apartments and believes leaking noise is a part of the package. I cannot stand people who complain because they can hear some music, a party, someone walking etc.

I'm also going to tell you that you definitely should NOT apologize. Music that is so loud that you can't hear your own TV, low volume or not, is not appropriate at all and especially not at those hours.

Noise leakage is one thing, it's another to make your neighbors hostages to your choice of entertainment.
If you apologize, you're doing nothing but telling her that she's allowed to dictate when people can listen to their own TVs.

This. Times 1000! Definitely do not apologize to noisy neighbor. From previous posts of yours I gather that she has little regard for her neighbors. And do thank BFbob. He handled the situation very politely.

[Shoo]

There's no time appropriate for music so loud that your neighbors can't hear their TV. Your daughter and her boyfriend were right to ask her to turn it down.  They (he, I guess) did so politely, so I don't see how there's anything to apologize for.  Well, I do think your neighbor should have apologized for disturbing your daughter and her boyfriend. I hope she did.

[etiquetteE]

No need to apologize, as long as the request to NN was polite, I don't see any issues. 

[pharmagal]

I agree with all the previous posters.  BF did nothing wrong.  I've asked my neighbours to turn down their music in the early evening.   I normally have no issues with their choice of music, just the volume in which they choose to share it.  But it's not the point whether you like their choice of music or not, the point is it was loud enough that your DD and her BF who were being considerate to you in keeping the TV low, were unable to enjoy their activity because neighbour was testing out her sound at almost 10pm.  That's just plain rude and inconsiderate.

[AnnaJ]

Agree with all that neighbor should have been told that she needed to turn down her music, but I don't think it should have been boyfriend who asked.  It would really irritate me if one of my guests asked one of my neighbors to do this; I have a neighbor with whom I've had noise issues and we have come to a delicate detente, so I really do not want anyone to speak to them on my behalf.

I don't think you need to apologize to the neighbor - she was in the wrong here - but I would definitely talk to daughter and daughter's boyfriend, requesting that he not intervene in the future.

 

[Zilla]

absolutely, you don't need to apologize!

And BFbob was absolutely within his rights to ask her to turn it down because they couldn't hear the TV.

He's a human being too, and his ordinary, run-of-the-mill activites in his life was being negatively impacted by someone else. For him to ask that person, politely, to modify their behavior to accommodate him is absolutely his right. He doesn't need to be a homeowner to do so. Nor does he need to be the resident in the home. He wasn't doing DD's "dirty work for her"--he was doing his OWN polite requesting.

Good for BFbob!

I agree, your dd's bf was gallant and did it politely as you didn't hear him hollering at her or cussing her out. (since you could hear the knocking and a male voice)  Hooray for him too.  And the only apology needed here is from her to you all for blasting her stereo so loudly regardless of time.  It was loud enough that she had to turn it down to ask if it was a "kick bacon-fed knave" system or what and then blast it again.  Not cool.

[Coley]

I'm a person who has always lived in apartments and believes leaking noise is a part of the package. I cannot stand people who complain because they can hear some music, a party, someone walking etc.

I'm also going to tell you that you definitely should NOT apologize. Music that is so loud that you can't hear your own TV, low volume or not, is not appropriate at all and especially not at those hours.

Noise leakage is one thing, it's another to make your neighbors hostages to your choice of entertainment.
If you apologize, you're doing nothing but telling her that she's allowed to dictate when people can listen to their own TVs.

This. Exactly. Especially the bolded because that's a perfect description.

[jpcher]

Okay, thank you. Once again, you've all shown me the other side of the coin.

I was always under the impression that you should politely put up with certain noises from the neighbors so long as it isn't overly obnoxious or isn't within the quiet-time zone, so I thought that putting up with it until 10:00, just to see what NN did, was the best action to take.

There are many posts on this board about noisy neighbors and people regularly putting up with loud music, etc. for hours and days on end before they complain.

I guess that in this situation "nipping in the bud" is the best way to go. Great advice. Thank you all!

If you apologize, you're doing nothing but telling her that she's allowed to dictate when people can listen to their own TVs.

This. Exactly. Especially the bolded because that's a perfect description.

I really appreciate that insight and I think that you're spot on.


I will not apologize.




Yeah, and BFbob is growing on me. Thanks, Toots, for sticking up for him.




(edited to fix quotes.)