Winning

[Ticia]

Can we please get away from the legal discussion of trusts and financial planners and get back to the OP's question? If the legal issues (such as what happens if DD ever divorces) keeps being discussed, the thread will be closed. Those issues have absolutely nothing to do with the question being asked.

[TootsNYC]

I agree that the choice of words is appropriate.

And you may remember my rants on the subject of "sharing."

There is very little true "sharing"--most of it is "giving something up to someone else."

You don't share cookies--you give some of them away. You don't get to eat them anymore.

So stick with verbs like "giving you some of our money" and "handing over cash."

[Rusty]

Thanks to everyone for your replies.  It does seem to have got a bit off track.  We will now certainly approach a financial advisor and thanks to everyone for putting us on the right road there. As to the question of my daughter and her fiance.  Well the country and state I live in has laws which state if you co-habit as de-facto or married for a period of two years all property is considered up for division should you split.  I know that here a prenup could be used but the fiance is going to put in some money towards the house (about a quarter of the purchase price). Everything that we have ever seen of him so far shows him to be a moral and honourable person.  We are helping our daughter and have faith in their relationship. That might be naive but I guess time will tell.  As to my sister, well would you believe that last night she rang my mother asking if she knew if i'd mentioned anything about the money for her son. Looks like she's not going to give up easily.

[TootsNYC]

What a greedy person! She hasn't heard about the idea of "not coveting."

I would suggest you get a phrase together for you AND for people like your mom ("The plans Rusty has for her own immediate family will eat up all the money. I'm sure they aren't planning on giving it away to anyone else, no matter how much Rusty loves them or how close they are").

Then cut-and-paste. Ask your mom to do the same.

(I'm curious--what was your mother's reaction to her question and to her original request.)

(Oh, and I love that phrasing: "the money for nephew," as if it exists as a concept already, on its own. Do you have any idea if that was HER wording?)

[PastryGoddess]

I think you need to tell her ONCE using words with 2 syllables or less that "the money for the nephew" will never happen and does not exist anywhere other than in her mind.  Using words like no and never is highly encouraged.

Then if she brings it up again, you can simply remind her of the conversation you had

[Redneck Gravy]

I think you need to tell her ONCE using words with 2 syllables or less that "the money for the nephew" will never happen and does not exist anywhere other than in her mind.  Using words like no and never is highly encouraged.

Then if she brings it up again, you can simply remind her of the conversation you had

Again, I urge you to call her now and put a stop to this.  Use the wording above and get it over with.

[CrazyDaffodilLady]

. . . Looks like she's not going to give up easily.

Why should she?  Badgering you is a great paying job.  Say she spends 10 hours pushing her demands on you, and you wind up giving her son $10,000.  She's made $1,000 per hour.  If she spends 100 hours and gets $5,000, she's still made $50 per hour.  Not a bad gig.

[Missy2U]

Rusty - first, Congratulations!!

Second, I have to agree with previous posters and echo the need to put a stop to this right away.  Your sister has to be told in no uncertain terms that it's just not going to happen and to please drop the subject.

[bopper]

Thanks to everyone for your replies.  It does seem to have got a bit off track.  We will now certainly approach a financial advisor and thanks to everyone for putting us on the right road there. As to the question of my daughter and her fiance.  Well the country and state I live in has laws which state if you co-habit as de-facto or married for a period of two years all property is considered up for division should you split.  I know that here a prenup could be used but the fiance is going to put in some money towards the house (about a quarter of the purchase price). Everything that we have ever seen of him so far shows him to be a moral and honourable person.  We are helping our daughter and have faith in their relationship. That might be naive but I guess time will tell.  As to my sister, well would you believe that last night she rang my mother asking if she knew if i'd mentioned anything about the money for her son. Looks like she's not going to give up easily.

My SIL and her husband were given money by his parents to help with down payment or for remodeling (really rebuilding the house).
Some years later they got divorced.  The ILs were expecting their money back (nothing in writing) after.  The SIL took her share of the profits from selling the house and got out. The ILs were not paid back.

So ask yourself how you would feel if they did get divorced and they just split the sale of the house. If you are fine, then don't do anything. If you would rather see each party get back what they put into the house and split anything after that, then consult with a lawyer.

[Rusty]

Just thought I'd update.  I've had a call from sister to tell me that as Nephew is going to be in town next weekend that they thought it would be nice if they all came over for a visit because he hasn't seen us for a while (5 years).  After I'd picked myself up off the floor and recovered I politely asked if the visit had anything to do with her prior request for money for him.  She got all flustered and a bit impatient, and said "of course not, its just been such a while since you've seen him. (this is his choice, he never comes home for Christmas and avoids most family gatherings).  Soooo...I took a deep breath and said "Well, that would be nice, but I should let you know that we have approached a financial planner (not yet) and it looks like most of our cash will be tied up so its unlikely there will be any left over. In any case we've thought about it and don't feel inclined to give money to Nephew, who we feel has ample resources of his own, but chooses to spend as he wishes, so we are going to do the same"!!!   Can't believe I said that.  Anyway there was silence at the other end of the phone and then sister said rather huffily, "well if you feel like that I doubt he'll come over". So I said he was welcome anytime but the subject of what we do with our money is not up for discussion. She quickly got off the phone. My husband heard every word and said he was proud of me!

[Lady Snowdon]

Just thought I'd update.  I've had a call from sister to tell me that as Nephew is going to be in town next weekend that they thought it would be nice if they all came over for a visit because he hasn't seen us for a while (5 years).  After I'd picked myself up off the floor and recovered I politely asked if the visit had anything to do with her prior request for money for him.  She got all flustered and a bit impatient, and said "of course not, its just been such a while since you've seen him. (this is his choice, he never comes home for Christmas and avoids most family gatherings).  Soooo...I took a deep breath and said "Well, that would be nice, but I should let you know that we have approached a financial planner (not yet) and it looks like most of our cash will be tied up so its unlikely there will be any left over. In any case we've thought about it and don't feel inclined to give money to Nephew, who we feel has ample resources of his own, but chooses to spend as he wishes, so we are going to do the same"!!!   Can't believe I said that.  Anyway there was silence at the other end of the phone and then sister said rather huffily, "well if you feel like that I doubt he'll come over". So I said he was welcome anytime but the subject of what we do with our money is not up for discussion. She quickly got off the phone. My husband heard every word and said he was proud of me!

What a great update!  That was a wonderful shiny spine you displayed there, especially on "the subject of what we do with our money is not up for discussion" part!

[TootsNYC]

... then sister said rather huffily, "well if you feel like that I doubt he'll come over". .

Oh, so really, the desire to visit WAS only about the money.

[deadbody]

Just thought I'd update.  I've had a call from sister to tell me that as Nephew is going to be in town next weekend that they thought it would be nice if they all came over for a visit because he hasn't seen us for a while (5 years).  After I'd picked myself up off the floor and recovered I politely asked if the visit had anything to do with her prior request for money for him.  She got all flustered and a bit impatient, and said "of course not, its just been such a while since you've seen him. (this is his choice, he never comes home for Christmas and avoids most family gatherings).  Soooo...I took a deep breath and said "Well, that would be nice, but I should let you know that we have approached a financial planner (not yet) and it looks like most of our cash will be tied up so its unlikely there will be any left over. In any case we've thought about it and don't feel inclined to give money to Nephew, who we feel has ample resources of his own, but chooses to spend as he wishes, so we are going to do the same"!!!   Can't believe I said that.  Anyway there was silence at the other end of the phone and then sister said rather huffily, "well if you feel like that I doubt he'll come over". So I said he was welcome anytime but the subject of what we do with our money is not up for discussion. She quickly got off the phone. My husband heard every word and said he was proud of me!

Spinal WIN!!

[LeveeWoman]

Just thought I'd update.  I've had a call from sister to tell me that as Nephew is going to be in town next weekend that they thought it would be nice if they all came over for a visit because he hasn't seen us for a while (5 years).  After I'd picked myself up off the floor and recovered I politely asked if the visit had anything to do with her prior request for money for him.  She got all flustered and a bit impatient, and said "of course not, its just been such a while since you've seen him. (this is his choice, he never comes home for Christmas and avoids most family gatherings).  Soooo...I took a deep breath and said "Well, that would be nice, but I should let you know that we have approached a financial planner (not yet) and it looks like most of our cash will be tied up so its unlikely there will be any left over. In any case we've thought about it and don't feel inclined to give money to Nephew, who we feel has ample resources of his own, but chooses to spend as he wishes, so we are going to do the same"!!!   Can't believe I said that.  Anyway there was silence at the other end of the phone and then sister said rather huffily, "well if you feel like that I doubt he'll come over". So I said he was welcome anytime but the subject of what we do with our money is not up for discussion. She quickly got off the phone. My husband heard every word and said he was proud of me!

RUSTY FOR THE WIN!!!!!

My mind is just boggled that she thought she could get away with this. I bet she's still fuming, and I doubt you've heard the last from this horrible Special Snowflake.

[Rusty]

Yes, you are probably right LeveeWoman, if past history is anything to go by she probably won't give up so easily, but at least now I can deflect any further discussions.  Unfortunately she thinks I'm a pushover and has even bragged to me in the past about how she can get people to do things without them even realising it.  We will gird our loins for the next onslaught. At least I've tasted victory, and I like it.