Author Topic: Unsolicited/intrusive advice on birth/babies/parenting  (Read 5557 times)

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alis

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Unsolicited/intrusive advice on birth/babies/parenting
« on: October 22, 2012, 09:10:13 AM »
What is the best way to at least try and reduce this?

It is coming from one particular person (my FIL's girlfriend). The woman truly thinks she is Supernanny and must impart her wisdom onto everyone else.

Last night, I was so annoyed by her comments that I just glared, said NO, and walked away. I admit, it was rude. But I'm not really sure what to say at this point. I'm just so annoyed by it.

To understand, here are the particular questions that came up last night:
- How dilated is your vagina? (with a "V" sign made with fingers in front of my elderly FIL)
- I will go with you to your next midwife appointment because you are not capable in your "condition" and your French is bad (my midwife is bilingual and my French is not horrible).
- You shouldn't be doing XYZ in your "condition".

I mean really.... come on.

How on earth do you tell someone to buzz off without creating a rift in a family? And how do you tell someone to get off their high horse about how great they are as a parent?

I don't even have 10% of this grief with my real mother-in-law, who I get along with fabulously despite a variety of differing beliefs.

squashedfrog

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Re: Unsolicited/intrusive advice on birth/babies/parenting
« Reply #1 on: October 22, 2012, 09:17:17 AM »
Im also going through the same thing at 6 months gone.

Im repeating the same phrase (or to that effect, over and over again)

I/We have it all under control, thanks - then beandip, and if they continue, repeat the beandip phrase louder.

SPuck

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Re: Unsolicited/intrusive advice on birth/babies/parenting
« Reply #2 on: October 22, 2012, 10:36:19 AM »
You are aloud to not answer questions about your personal life. You can bean dip for as long as you want. You are aloud to ask some directly to stop asking these questions. You are aloud to leave the situation if they keep being intrusive.

You don't have to put up with other people's baggage. You set up your own boundaries and let people react to them. If they react miserably you know where they stand. The only rifts that are created are by drama lamas who don't understand boundaries. If someone gets angry over your boundaries let them. They can either get over it or live with their anger without you accepting this as something that is normal and something you have to put up with.

I'm sorry if I am being blunt, but you don't have to be nice to a rude person. You don't even have to be cordial to them after a certain point of time of they keep being a boar.

When you said you left the room that is a perfectly acceptable response to someone who is being intrusive. And finally there is nothing wrong with the word no. 

Twik

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Re: Unsolicited/intrusive advice on birth/babies/parenting
« Reply #3 on: October 22, 2012, 10:42:55 AM »
To understand, here are the particular questions that came up last night:
- How dilated is your vagina? (with a "V" sign made with fingers in front of my elderly FIL)

Well, for this one, I would not be embarrassed on his behalf. She is, after all, his girlfriend - if he finds her crude, he's the one who's introducing her to you, not the other way around.
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bopper

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Re: Unsolicited/intrusive advice on birth/babies/parenting
« Reply #4 on: October 22, 2012, 10:55:31 AM »
"While I appreciate your interest, my midwife and I have no problem communicating and everything is under control.  If I find I do need help I will be sure to let you know."

Minmom3

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Re: Unsolicited/intrusive advice on birth/babies/parenting
« Reply #5 on: October 22, 2012, 10:56:14 AM »
Said cheerfully and loudly:

"NO thank you!"
"No thank you!"
"NO thank you!"
"No thank you!"
"NO thank you!"
"No thank you!"
"NO thank you!"
"No thank you!"
Repeat ad nauseum.....   :D  Be Teflon!
Mother to children and fuzz butts....

CakeBeret

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Re: Unsolicited/intrusive advice on birth/babies/parenting
« Reply #6 on: October 22, 2012, 11:03:40 AM »
Unfortunately, meddling begins in pregnancy and has no definite end. I know many people whose children are all grown adults, and who still receive meddling "advice" on their relationships with their children. You have to develop a spine and work on your approach to meddlers. Pregnancy, while not a convenient time to deal with this, is your #1 opportunity to develop these skills.

The first thing to keep in mind is that you are the parent and you do not need to JADE (justify, argue, defend, or explain) your decisions.

The second is that humor and beandipping may be two of your best friends.

For the first situation, I would laugh and say "Wow, let's not go there. Bean dip?"

For the midwife, "I have it covered, thanks. Bean dip?"

Start out pleasant, but if she continues to cross boundaries, you'll need to get more firm.
"From a procrastination standpoint, today has been wildly successful."

Jones

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Re: Unsolicited/intrusive advice on birth/babies/parenting
« Reply #7 on: October 22, 2012, 11:16:08 AM »
"Wow. Really?" "Wow." "Really?"

Deadpan, one eyebrow raised. Maybe throw in an occasional "Ah....seriously?" You cannot believe she is this persistent and asking such personal questions, let that bleed through in as few words as possible.

Harriet Jones

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Re: Unsolicited/intrusive advice on birth/babies/parenting
« Reply #8 on: October 22, 2012, 12:04:49 PM »
To understand, here are the particular questions that came up last night:
- How dilated is your vagina? (with a "V" sign made with fingers in front of my elderly FIL)

Well, for this one, I would not be embarrassed on his behalf. She is, after all, his girlfriend - if he finds her crude, he's the one who's introducing her to you, not the other way around.

Also, vaginas don't dilate.  I'd be more embarrassed at her complete lack of understanding of the process.

mmswm

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Re: Unsolicited/intrusive advice on birth/babies/parenting
« Reply #9 on: October 22, 2012, 12:10:54 PM »
To understand, here are the particular questions that came up last night:
- How dilated is your vagina? (with a "V" sign made with fingers in front of my elderly FIL)

Well, for this one, I would not be embarrassed on his behalf. She is, after all, his girlfriend - if he finds her crude, he's the one who's introducing her to you, not the other way around.

Also, vaginas don't dilate.  I'd be more embarrassed at her complete lack of understanding of the process.

Evilmm would want to put on some melodramatic show freaking out about dilating vaginas. And here I thought it was the cervix that was supposed to dilate. 

Seriously though, the meddling is only now beginning.  It's amazing how many non-parents are experts at raising children.  The best advise is to just grow a thick skin and ignore people who meddle.
Some people lift weights.  I lift measures.  It's a far more esoteric workout. - (Quoted from a personal friend)

taffywduck

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Re: Unsolicited/intrusive advice on birth/babies/parenting
« Reply #10 on: October 22, 2012, 12:22:49 PM »
Also, vaginas don't dilate.  I'd be more embarrassed at her complete lack of understanding of the process.

That was my first thought as well, then I'd be even more critical of any advice she gives since this is pretty basic stuff...

However, I don't even think you were rude in your response. Faced with such an incredible display of moronism, I usually just go "Wow!", glare and then remove myself from the situation.

BeagleMommy

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Re: Unsolicited/intrusive advice on birth/babies/parenting
« Reply #11 on: October 22, 2012, 12:50:11 PM »
First question:  "Did you really say that out loud?!"  If she persists:  "None of your business"
Second item:  "No you will NOT come to my midwife appointment"
Third question:  "I have it covered.  Beandip?"

This woman is what my father would have called "A piece of work".

doodlemor

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Re: Unsolicited/intrusive advice on birth/babies/parenting
« Reply #12 on: October 22, 2012, 12:56:07 PM »
Tell her politely that she needs to stay out of your vagina.

When she gives you uncalled for advice you could look at her silently for several moments, and then bean dip.  The pause should be long enough to make her a bit uncomfortable, on the premise that she has any common sense. 

If this doesn't work you should walk away.

gingerzing

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Re: Unsolicited/intrusive advice on birth/babies/parenting
« Reply #13 on: October 22, 2012, 01:13:19 PM »
Unfortunately, meddling begins in pregnancy and has no definite end. I know many people whose children are all grown adults, and who still receive meddling "advice" on their relationships with their children. You have to develop a spine and work on your approach to meddlers. Pregnancy, while not a convenient time to deal with this, is your #1 opportunity to develop these skills.

The first thing to keep in mind is that you are the parent and you do not need to JADE (justify, argue, defend, or explain) your decisions.

The second is that humor and beandipping may be two of your best friends.

For the first situation, I would laugh and say "Wow, let's not go there. Bean dip?"

For the midwife, "I have it covered, thanks. Bean dip?"

Start out pleasant, but if she continues to cross boundaries, you'll need to get more firm.

Actually, it starts before that (and on other topics.  Le Sigh)

I agree with all these answers.  Maybe adjusting the midwife answer to the fact that you and the midwife are communicating fine and that you have it covered. 

And the standard, "My doctor/midwife/whomever has discussed this with me and we are following their directions."

Actually, your "no" and walking away seems fine to me.  She is the rude one for the nosey questions and comments.  And "NO" or "No you are not coming" to the the midwife appointment.    ESH. Piece of work is mild.

cicero

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Re: Unsolicited/intrusive advice on birth/babies/parenting
« Reply #14 on: October 22, 2012, 01:33:30 PM »
if my FIL's GF asked me about my Vagina, the last concern on my mind would not "creating a rift".

that is beyond rude. I don't know - it's quite creepy. 'specially since she got her facts wrong.

Evil Cicero would be sooo tempted to say "gee, i don't know. wanna check?"

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