Author Topic: Unsolicited/intrusive advice on birth/babies/parenting  (Read 5708 times)

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alis

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Re: Unsolicited/intrusive advice on birth/babies/parenting
« Reply #15 on: October 22, 2012, 02:14:14 PM »
Thanks everyone!

I'm almost overdue so I think I'm just going to hide in the house and lock the doors (in fact I did last time, but they managed to get into the back door as FIL has a key).

Worst part of this is that I have done this more than she has. She has one kid. This is my 3rd pregnancy (and it was a twin one) and 2nd child.
« Last Edit: October 22, 2012, 02:16:37 PM by alis »

doodlemor

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Re: Unsolicited/intrusive advice on birth/babies/parenting
« Reply #16 on: October 22, 2012, 02:23:05 PM »
I'm almost overdue so I think I'm just going to hide in the house and lock the doors (in fact I did last time, but they managed to get into the back door as FIL has a key).

Ouch!!! You need to get the key back, since they have already pushed over the boundaries.  What nerve!!!

LeveeWoman

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Re: Unsolicited/intrusive advice on birth/babies/parenting
« Reply #17 on: October 22, 2012, 02:23:31 PM »
Re-key the lock. Seriously.

Jones

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Re: Unsolicited/intrusive advice on birth/babies/parenting
« Reply #18 on: October 22, 2012, 02:48:00 PM »
Install one of those little chain thingies that hotel rooms have. Seriously, it's cheap and easy and keeps out determined key holders.

Roses

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Re: Unsolicited/intrusive advice on birth/babies/parenting
« Reply #19 on: October 22, 2012, 02:53:48 PM »
Get the locks changed! 

I'd use the phrase, "So kind of you to take an interest", raise an eyebrow, change subject.  Rinse/repeat.

And change the locks!

gramma dishes

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Re: Unsolicited/intrusive advice on birth/babies/parenting
« Reply #20 on: October 22, 2012, 03:22:14 PM »
I'd have been sorely tempted to say, "Wait!!  Your vagina dilates?  Oh!  I'm so sorry.  Have you seen a doctor about that?  That sounds like a serious deformity!"

Good grief.  Change your locks!!   :o

yokozbornak

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Re: Unsolicited/intrusive advice on birth/babies/parenting
« Reply #21 on: October 22, 2012, 04:26:46 PM »
Also, make sure the hospital/nbirthing center knows that she is not welcome in your room during the birth.  I can just imagine her trying to push her way in and take over.

EmmaJ.

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Re: Unsolicited/intrusive advice on birth/babies/parenting
« Reply #22 on: October 22, 2012, 04:39:19 PM »
Get the locks changed! 

I'd use the phrase, "So kind of you to take an interest", raise an eyebrow, change subject.  Rinse/repeat.

And change the locks!

Well, in this case, it is not "kind" of her to take an interest.  It's creepy meddling!

blarg314

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Re: Unsolicited/intrusive advice on birth/babies/parenting
« Reply #23 on: October 22, 2012, 10:21:42 PM »

Under the circumstances, I think "No" and walking away is a perfectly acceptable response.

And seriously, rekey the locks and don't give your FIL a key! Letting the birthing centre know you don't want her anywhere near you is also a good idea. And make sure your husband is on the same page you are with how to handle this.

If you don't set strong boundaries now, it won't stop at advice - she's likely to use that spare key, get into your house, and physically interfere with how you've got things set up ("The crib is much better in the living room!").

RooRoo

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Re: Unsolicited/intrusive advice on birth/babies/parenting
« Reply #24 on: October 23, 2012, 08:46:52 PM »
Some variation on the below.

The E-Hell Standards:
1. Complete Silence
2. "What an interesting assumption."í
3. "I'm afraid that won't be possible."
Variations: "I'm sorry, I cannot accommodate that request," and "No." (It is a complete sentence!)
4. "Why would I want to do that?" Said in a polite, inquiring way.
5. "Have you tried the bean dip?" And other topic diversions from rude inquiries and discussions. Variations: "So, did you see the Chicago Bears game yesterday?" and "Isn't the weather just dreadful?"
6. "So kind of you to take an interest." Said "coldly" then turn away.*

Above all, don't JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain) . Even saying "My midwife and I have it under control" gives her a reason to "but" in.

And who is it that says, "lather, rinse, repeat"?

* I "hear" this said the way Audrey Hepburn, as Eliza in "My Fair Lady," said it the first time she went out to tea. "So kind of you to take an interest." (Yes, three syllables.)
"Someday we must write a book of Etiquette for sensible people," said Mrs. Morland, "though apart from a few rules it really boils down to an educated mind and a kind heart." ~ Angela Thirkell, Never Too Late

Just Lori

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Re: Unsolicited/intrusive advice on birth/babies/parenting
« Reply #25 on: October 23, 2012, 09:23:58 PM »
Can you manage a blank stare and no response?  Sometimes no response is better than anything you can come up with.  If she continues and says, "Aren't you going to answer me?" I think it's time to say, "I'm going to pretend you didn't say that, because surely you didn't intend to ask such a deeply personal question."

If you do want to continue the relationship, then you have to ask her to please refrain from those questions.  It's not easy, but sometimes you have to throw it out there:  "I want our family to continue to have a relationship with you and FIL, but we need to make our own parenting decisions and choose what personal details we are going to share."

I've also had luck with, "If we continue this conversation, it's not going to end well.  Have you tried the bean dip?"

magician5

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Re: Unsolicited/intrusive advice on birth/babies/parenting
« Reply #26 on: October 24, 2012, 01:42:17 PM »
There is no 'way to peace.' Peace is the way.

jedikaiti

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Re: Unsolicited/intrusive advice on birth/babies/parenting
« Reply #27 on: October 24, 2012, 01:49:13 PM »

Under the circumstances, I think "No" and walking away is a perfectly acceptable response.

And seriously, rekey the locks and don't give your FIL a key! Letting the birthing centre know you don't want her anywhere near you is also a good idea. And make sure your husband is on the same page you are with how to handle this.

If you don't set strong boundaries now, it won't stop at advice - she's likely to use that spare key, get into your house, and physically interfere with how you've got things set up ("The crib is much better in the living room!").

Oh yea. Draw your lines now and politely enforce them, lest she start trying to raise your child for you.

Best of luck with the new little one, and keeping her out of your business!
What part of v_e = \sqrt{\frac{2GM}{r}} don't you understand? It's only rocket science!

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SpikeMichigan

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Re: Unsolicited/intrusive advice on birth/babies/parenting
« Reply #28 on: October 24, 2012, 04:19:42 PM »


 Some of those comments are just so bizarre (the bit with the fingers......wow) that you might just act like they were joking, because surely nobody would be so intrusive.

 Something like a laugh, and 'Are you serious?', so the message gets across, but without causing an iciness.

Penguin_ar

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Re: Unsolicited/intrusive advice on birth/babies/parenting
« Reply #29 on: October 25, 2012, 07:00:27 AM »
I have a SIL like that.  After trying to explain, and doing the stare, and beandipping, with nothing working, I resorted to what another poster here said: "I discussed with with my/ my baby's doctor and are following his advice."