thank you, Dear Abby!

[siamesecat2965]

Second letter, http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/
a man in his mid-40's, divorced, claims to be in decent shape, looking for someone to "accompany" him through life. But also complains that many women in his age range don't "take care of themselves" anymore, and why don't women "understand this" He comes off as being quite shallow and only interested in appearances, rather than personallity, etc.

Love Abby's response when he asks where she'd suggest finding a "suitable" partner...she tells him the nearest gym, and if that fails, the Playboy Mansion, saying Hef throws a lot of parties, and he might meet someone that would live up to his standards there, providing HIS assets would merit interest in him.  A subtle snarky response to his veiled lament that all women in his age range don't care enough to "look good"

[Twik]

Lol! I imagine him reading the reply and going, "Hey, I said I was 'above-average' income, I'm not a millionaire! Oh, these shallow 'very attractive' women! They're only interested in one thing! Why won't they see me for my soul, not my bank account!"

But actually, I kind of blame this on Hef and the Playboy mentality. Many men have absorbed from such media that no matter what their attractions, they should be positively pursued by supermodels. After all, Hef's a withered old man, and look at the arm-candy he gets. Clearly, this is what all men are entitled to.

It's a math literacy problem. They can't quite figure out why if their standard is the top 1% of the population (that is, supermodels), 99% of the women they meet don't measure up.

[TurtleDove]

Eh, I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting a partner to whom you are attracted.  His letter didn't endear him to me, but the idea that he wants someone fit and vibrant is not offensive in and of itself, nor do I find it shallow.

[Judah]

Eh, I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting a partner to whom you are attracted.  His letter didn't endear him to me, but the idea that he wants someone fit and vibrant is not offensive in and of itself, nor do I find it shallow.

Me either.  For me, there needs to be a physical attraction before anything else so, I get where he's coming from.

[Petticoats]

I found him insufferable in his contemptuous assumptions that women deliberately let ourselves go (how dare we have other priorities or stubborn metabolisms or genetic predisposition to gain weight) and are stupid, in that we just don't understand how important it is to look attractive! Hogwash. Men like this are reinforcing that knowledge every day of our lives--if we don't fit the current ideal of beauty, especially if we're middle-aged, we're invisible--or despised.

[TurtleDove]

if we don't fit the current ideal of beauty, especially if we're middle-aged, we're invisible--or despised.

I don't think this is what his point was at all - just that he does not want to date someone to whom he is not personally attracted.

[poundcake]

I found him insufferable in his contemptuous assumptions that women deliberately let ourselves go (how dare we have other priorities or stubborn metabolisms or genetic predisposition to gain weight) and are stupid, in that we just don't understand how important it is to look attractive! Hogwash. Men like this are reinforcing that knowledge every day of our lives--if we don't fit the current ideal of beauty, especially if we're middle-aged, we're invisible--or despised.

Not only that, but our value as "companions" is in our looks, and that we are perceived as attractive by the other men. He wants a trophy, not a companion.

[TurtleDove]

I find great value in the physical appearance of my SO.  It is one of many qualities I enjoy about him and am attracted to.  I don't think it is fair to say that people who value physical appearance in a mate are shallow and only want a trophy.  Some might, but certainly not all.  I would not even consider pursuing a romantic relationship with someone to whom I am not physically attracted.  That is the threshold.  Obviously other factors are more important, especially over time, but physical attraction is what makes an SO different from a friend.

[Piratelvr1121]

This guy sounds like he's just looking for arm candy. I could perhaps see the "yes we want someone we're physically attracted to" argument if he had spoken of other attributes like kindness, intelligence, and a sense of humor.

And ugh, don't get me started on the "women letting themselves go".  Where I grew up, it seems like women spend any spare time at the gym and watching their weight to make sure they're not accused of "letting themselves go." My mother always talked about how one of their college buddies got snagged by a woman who was beautiful until he married her, then she "let herself go." 

[poundcake]

Funny how "letting herself go" uniformly refers to physical appearance, not job or hobbies or talents. No one says "Cindy was a fantastic guitarist when we met, but now she's really let herself go."

And there is a difference between "someone I am physically attracted to" and the obvious arm candy this guy is after. The fact that he mentioned how others would see her is key. Then he ties it to his "value" as a "good catch." Getting a hot chick equals validation to this guy and guys like him.

[Redneck Gravy]

I want to follow this thread but I can't think of one nice thing to say...


How would you word this ad? 

Stereotypical man seeking above average looking woman to accompany him through life...with the understanding that if she lets herself go she will be dumped (wonder if this applies to him also?)

[Sharnita]

Funny how "letting herself go" uniformly refers to physical appearance, not job or hobbies or talents. No one says "Cindy was a fantastic guitarist when we met, but now she's really let herself go."

And there is a difference between "someone I am physically attracted to" and the obvious arm candy this guy is after. The fact that he mentioned how others would see her is key. Then he ties it to his "value" as a "good catch." Getting a hot chick equals validation to this guy and guys like him.

Several good points!  I know women in the age group he mentions who eat right and even run marathons but they are still obviously in that age group.  Something tells me they still wouldn't meet with his approval.

[Twik]

if we don't fit the current ideal of beauty, especially if we're middle-aged, we're invisible--or despised.

I don't think this is what his point was at all - just that he does not want to date someone to whom he is not personally attracted.

No, his point was that women better get on the ball, and improve themselves to his standard, so that he has a larger dating pool.

[Diane AKA Traska]

Actually, he said "don't take care of themselves", not "let themselves go"... and I'll admit, after a road trip I took yesterday, which included seeing a young woman smoking (oh, sorry, a young PREGNANT woman), I've seen waaaaay too many pajama pants to disagree fully.  Still, he's a maroon for the way he said it and his motivations for doing so.

[Judah]

I honestly don't understand the strong negative feelings this topic seems to stir in some posters whenever the subject comes up.  Everyone is attracted to different things and some of us find physical attractiveness important.  Substitute any other requirement for physical attractiveness and it's suddenly okay. 

"I'm looking for a car buff to accompany me through life. Most single men I know also put a premium on motor vehicle knowledge and trivia. Why don't women understand this? Where would you suggest finding a suitable partner for someone in my situation?"

Should people date people they are not attracted to?