Best friend's BF thinks I'm too close *update post #23, 43

[kitchcat]

I'm not sure if this belongs here or in the dating section, as I'm not the one in the rel@tionship. Please move it if needed.

BG: Jill is my best friend. I introduced her to an acquaintance of mine, Jack (he was in the process of joining a club I'm president of), several months ago and they hit it off big time. They've been a relationship for a few months now and they're even talking of moving in together. So it's serious. I'm happy for them both. And Jack has become a friend of mine and DH as well.  /BG

Recently Jack has been putting a lot of pressure on Jill to move in with him. Jill is a little hesitant of moving for several reasons (most of them having nothing to do with their relationship; financial, logistical, etc.). Jill asks me for advice sometimes and I'm always careful not to tell her what to do, but give her ideas that will help her make the choice on her own, deciding what's best for her. Jack confides in me how much he wants Jill to move in, to which I usually respond that he seems to be putting a lot of pressure on her, and could backfire on him. He seems to be annoyed that I'm not telling Jill to move in with him right this second. So I think that's some tension he feels towards me that's been brewing. Additionally, Jack has been under a lot of stress at work.

Well, recently Jack and Jill have been having some fights, as have DH and I, meaning that Jill and I are spending a lot of time together confiding in each other, asking for advice, and comforting one another, usually in the form of phone calls. DH is fine with this, as he know it helps me feel better and ultimately work things out.

Jack on the other hand, has been privately lashing out at me for "clinging" to Jill so much. He accuses me of hogging her time and treating Jill like my husband. He even told me I should "focus more on [my] marriage than on Jill," which I felt was pretty rude and condescending. He says I'm getting in the way and I need to back off. I basically ignored these remarks and walked away from the conversation because I think that Jill and my friendship is not Jack's business, and if she wants me to back off, she will say so.  Furthermore, I think some of this is misdirected anger and Jack is using me as a scapegoat for his rel@tionship problems. DH thinks that Jack is jealous of Jill and my close friendship.

I have not told Jill about the things Jack has said to me because I do not want to poison her view of Jack. I try to be impartial when we talk about their rel@tionship, and I don't want to sway her to do anything rash because of something I said. However, I do want Jill to say if she wants more space. We are both fairly timid and can have trouble expressing what we want sometimes.  I sent her a text message saying, "If I've been too clingy, I apologize. Just let me know if you need some space." She hasn't replied yet.

Am I handling this okay? Should I just continue to ignore Jack? Would you tell Jill what Jack had said?

[nyarlathotep]

Tell Jill. Possessiveness is a huge red flag.

[NyaChan]

I think you should have put the text message you sent her into context -  I can understand not wanting to tell tales of what Jack said, but you could still say more - like "hey, I wanted you to know that I appreciate all the support you give me when DH and I are having a fight and I need someone to talk to and I want to make sure that I'm not overstepping when I try to offer you and Jack support as well.  Would you like me to back off some?"  And I would say it in person - I'm a fan of texting in general, but not for things like this.

[BeagleMommy]

I don't think what you've described sounds clingy.  It sounds like a normal, female best friend.  It sounds like Jack wants to be the center of Jill's world and will resent anyone she trusts.  If I were Jill I don't think I'd be moving in with him....yet.

[Twik]

I don't think what you've described sounds clingy.  It sounds like a normal, female best friend.  It sounds like Jack wants to be the center of Jill's world and will resent anyone she trusts.  If I were Jill I don't think I'd be moving in with him....yet.

... or ever. Very creepy behaviour. Does he not consider Jill has her own mind, independent of both her BF and her friends?

[siamesecat2965]

I think Jill is smart to be hesitant about moving in with Jack, but I also think Jack sounds a tad too possessive, and that would not only be a red flag for me, but a dealbreaker as well.

I think you should somehow bring it up to Jill, perhaps in the context of you not wanting to appear too "clingy" or taking up too much of her time etc.  It sounds like she isn't aware of Jack's comments to you, but i think as her BF, you'd be doing her a diservice by NOT letting her know, as it does seem like he and only he, wants to be the center of her universe, at the cost of her other friends.

[mechtilde]

There's something rather off here.

After a few months together Jack is pressuring Jill to move in. He's tried to get you to put pressure on her as well. When you (wisely IMO) kept out of it he then started trying to get you to spend less time with Jill by saying you were being too clingy and pressuring you to move away from her.

Don't. It sounds horribly as though he is trying to isolate Jill, and it might be advisable to tell her what he's being saying to you.

[WillyNilly]

I think Jack needs to back off - both of you.

I think if Jill has any reservations about moving she should not do it.  She can always change her mind and do it in the future.  But she shouldn't do it until ready, for so many reasons.  Moving a huge hassle and it creates new hassles (they are fighting a lot lately - what if it doesn't work out?  Will she have to move again?  Will she have the means to do so?  Can she emotionally handle breaking up and the stress of finding an moving to a new place at the same time? Etc)

I also think your friendship with Jill sounds normal.  Friends spend time with one another.  They lean on each other.  They confide in and seek counsel with one another.

[LeveeWoman]

Pressuring her to take a step with which she's not comfortable?  Check.

Trying to isolate her from her support system?  Check.

I don't know how I'd tell her but I'd figure out some way to tell her about these two, red flags. And, I'd tell Jack to back off, that whom I'm friends with is none of his business.

[GSNW]

Agreed 100% with above.

Jack is behaving almost as though Jill were property to be fought over rather than a person with her own decision-making abilities.  I would tell Jill honestly what Jack has said, and that it makes you uncomfortable thinking that you might be overstepping - and then see what she says in response.  I am guessing that this will come as a surprise to Jill.  Telling others to "back off" and trying to isolate your significant other is a huge red flag indeed.

[TealDragon]

There's something rather off here.

After a few months together Jack is pressuring Jill to move in. He's tried to get you to put pressure on her as well. When you (wisely IMO) kept out of it he then started trying to get you to spend less time with Jill by saying you were being too clingy and pressuring you to move away from her.

Don't. It sounds horribly as though he is trying to isolate Jill, and it might be advisable to tell her what he's being saying to you.

I very much agree with this.

My best friend was dating a guy who friended me on Facebook, which seemed normal enough to me, although I hadn't met him yet. We chatted a few times and he seemed nice. Eventually he started saying things about how he wanted her to do different things, like spend Thanksgiving with his family even though they'd only been dating for 2 months and it was her family's first Thanksgiving without her grandfather. He hinted around that he wanted me to try and talk her into his plans. He did this with a few other things and eventually asked me outright to help convince her. When I told him I didn't feel right about getting involved in their relationship, he started to tell her that she shouldn't trust me so much and that I was using her and inappropriately close. They worked together and he went to her manager and got her hours changed so they worked the same shift, which she thought was sweet at the time. It meant that I couldn't see or talk to her as much because she worked nights and I was going to school in the morning. Later I found out that he was basically making her stay at his apartment for days at a time and not letting her leave and being abusive and cutting her off from all of her friends and family and she was miserable. I still feel so horrible about not saying anything about the red flags when they came up, so I would definitely say something gently to her about what he's said to you.

[O'Dell]

I wouldn't tell Jill. IME, nothing good comes from meddling with a couple like that.

I think you should tell Jack to take his concerns up with Jill. Let him reveal himself to her and/or shut up about it to you. And don't change a thing about your friendship with Jill unless Jill says she has a problem with it.

[Roe]

True friends are honest with each other.  Be honest with Jill and tell her what Jack has said/done.  In the end, you  need to let her make her own decision but she can't make an informed decision without all the information.

[doodlemor]

I POD those who think that you should tell Jill *everything.*  Jack is hoisting a number of red flags, and is not good material for a long term rel*ationship at this time.

[Girlie]

My creepometer is going off. Something is not right here.

Jack is coming across as way to possessive and controlling. I suppose it's possible that he's just frustrated and you're his scapegoat, but I'm seeing major red flags otherwise.

Absolutely, you should tell Jill. You don't have to tell her in a, "CRUD MONKEYS!! Jack is CRAZY!" kind of way... I'd go with the, "Listen, Jill... I just wanted to let you know that I've been getting some weird messages from Jack lately, and he doesn't seem to think that our friendship is mutually beneficial. Is everything okay?" Most likely, she's either heard it from him, too, and feels alone in it, or she's going to be shocked - and probably pretty angry.

Is it possible that Jill's "reasons" are subconscious renderings to avoiding the living together situation?
Regardless, she deserves to know what he's been up to.