Best friend's BF thinks I'm too close *update post #23, 43

[TurtleDove]

If Jack considers this to be "dirty laundry", there's already a sign of trouble.

This.  There's something to be said for having discretion in what you tell other people about your relationship, even close friends or family.  But it seems Jack is actively trying to isolate Jill and keep her from the influence of people he knows love her.  If his actions were grounded in love and what is best for Jill, he would WANT her to have input from those who love her....and if they see he is good to and right for her, their influence would be beneficial to the relationship.

Jack doesn't want others to have input, probably because he fears he will not like what the people who love Jill advise her to do with respect to him. HUGE red flag.

[TootsNYC]

well, actually, he DOES want the OP to have input.

Of course, he wants the input to be what HE wants, but it's not quite the same as totally isolating her.

As Jill's friend, the thing that would bother me is that he isn't being respectful of her, isn't seeing her as a separate person from him. That doesn't necessarily say "abuser/controller," but it *does* say "not aware of the real her."

[bopper]

I would tell Jill that as a friend you have noticed some things that seem like Jack is trying to isolate her...having her move in with him and him trying to get you to back off.

[ettiquit]

OP, I'm glad you told your friend what Jack said to you.  I can't imagine not telling my BFF that her boyfriend was trying to control our friendship.

As far as suggestions that you shouldn't be discussing relationship issues with Jill, that's no one's business but yours and Jill's.  You two set the tone of your friendship.  If Jack has a problem with Jill discussing their issues with you, he needs to address that with Jill, not you.  How Jill chooses to respond to his request is totally on her. 

I also think it's a bit odd to assume that BFFs will be on each other's sides 100% of the time and not be honest if they think you're at all at fault.  Granted, I can only speak from experience, but my BFF and I can be painfully honest with each other.  We're each other's reality check.  I can't speak for all BFFs world-wide, but surely we can't be the only ones with that kind of relationship.

[wheeitsme]

OP here again.

I opted to tell Jill today about what Jack had told me. I tried to keep it as fact-based as possible (simply he said "xyz," no speculation or opinions) and relayed our conversation to her. She was very receptive to all this information and told me flat out that she is pretty sure Jack is jealous of our friendship and may even feel threatened by our closeness. We agreed I would just ignore his comments because Jill has no intentions of "backing off" our friendship. So all in all, things seem to be working out well.

Good.

Jack doesn't have to be a creep to be obnoxious.  And he doesn't get a say in the relationship of "Best Friends before he showed up". 

My DH has a best friend.  They've been friends for over 25 years. Some days I think he talks to him more than me ( I laugh, but sometimes this is true - and I don't have a problem with it).  I would never make him choose because it would be like asking someone to choose which child you keep and which one you dump.  Not Okay.  And early in the relationship?  I know who he would have chosen.  And it wouldn't have been me.  And that would have been the right decision.

Jack needs to understand that the only relationship he can have a say in is the one he has with Jill.

[Piratelvr1121]

I don't know if I'd say right off the bat that he is controlling.  I know when I was weighing up whether or not DH and I should just do the courthouse thing vs. BWW, I talked to my friends.  DH got annoyed that I wasn't just going to make the decision on my own and, in his eyes, putting more importance on what my friends thought than our relationship.

Well, after talking to friends, I took some time to myself and thought it over, weighed it all up and finally decided to just do the courthouse thing, because it meant getting married sooner and being able to be together sooner.   Looking back I don't regret not having a BWW but I do think our decision was based on being tired of having a LDR and not wanting to have to do it for even longer. 

Now DH gets that when I talk to friends, it's to get someone else's input so that I can add it to things to consider when making my own decision.  We don't make each other choose between friends and each other unless a friend is very toxic.

[LeveeWoman]

I don't know if I'd say right off the bat that he is controlling.  I know when I was weighing up whether or not DH and I should just do the courthouse thing vs. BWW, I talked to my friends.  DH got annoyed that I wasn't just going to make the decision on my own and, in his eyes, putting more importance on what my friends thought than our relationship.

Well, after talking to friends, I took some time to myself and thought it over, weighed it all up and finally decided to just do the courthouse thing, because it meant getting married sooner and being able to be together sooner.   Looking back I don't regret not having a BWW but I do think our decision was based on being tired of having a LDR and not wanting to have to do it for even longer. 

Now DH gets that when I talk to friends, it's to get someone else's input so that I can add it to things to consider when making my own decision.  We don't make each other choose between friends and each other unless a friend is very toxic.

Did your soon-to-be husband pressure you to move in with him?

[Piratelvr1121]

Not really.  I guess it depends on how you look at it.  We were already engaged anyway, living on opposite coasts, as he was in CA, I was in MD, and him being military and jr. enlisted.  Our situation was different in that we both wanted to live together, but while he knew he wanted to do it right away, I was torn on whether or not the timing was right.   Getting married meant moving in together once I finished out the semester and moved out to CA.

I was still in college, but had changed major from nursing to teaching, which wasn't going much better than the nursing track was (as in the pre-req's kicked my patootie before I could even apply to the nursing program) and didn't know what else I wanted to do, career wise and figured "ah I can always go back".   

In answer to your question, well I think some friends/family might have thought he was pressuring me, and at the time I kinda thought so too, but 12 years later I think he was just as lonely and impatient as I was and the decision on whether or not the timing was right was easier for him than for me. 

[LeveeWoman]

Not really.  I guess it depends on how you look at it.  We were already engaged anyway, living on opposite coasts, as he was in CA, I was in MD, and him being military and jr. enlisted.  Our situation was different in that we both wanted to live together, but while he knew he wanted to do it right away, I was torn on whether or not the timing was right.   Getting married meant moving in together once I finished out the semester and moved out to CA.

I was still in college, but had changed major from nursing to teaching, which wasn't going much better than the nursing track was (as in the pre-req's kicked my patootie before I could even apply to the nursing program) and didn't know what else I wanted to do, career wise and figured "ah I can always go back".   

In answer to your question, well I think some friends/family might have thought he was pressuring me, and at the time I kinda thought so too, but 12 years later I think he was just as lonely and impatient as I was and the decision on whether or not the timing was right was easier for him than for me.

From what Kitchkat has posted, the opinion that he is pressuring her friend is coming from her friend, and not from Kitchkat.

[Miss Unleaded]

I have to agree with Hyzenthlay here.  And vehemently disagree with the poster who said that Jack *needs* to understand female friendships.

The guy I am dating and about to move in with had all three of his long term relationships ruined by female BFFs who meddled and convinced his girlfriends that they could do better.  He feels like he was basically cheated on and betrayed by his girlfriends and their BFFS.  *He*  wanted to be first in their lives, as he was making the woman in his life first, as he is currently doing with me.  Is he perfect?  No.  Nobody is.  But I would have no business essentially bringing a third party into the relationship without his consent. 

And btw, the first woman to betray him in this manner now regrets taking their business outside the relationship and not only calls it her greatest mistake but wishes he was the father of her children. 

So Jack might not be controlling at all--just justifiably hurt by endless airings of dirty laundry.   Wouldn't you be, OP and everybody else?

I agree that Jack isn't necessarily being creepy or controlling and there is no reason to leap to that conclusion based on the OP.  But it doesn't necessarily sounds like dirty laundry is being aired, either.

Regarding your relationship: I have found from bitter experience that guys who complain about all of their previous relationships failing due to external forces simply lack the self awareness to see that the common factor was their own dysfunctional behaviour.  Unless you have independent confirmation about what happened with your BF's previous loves, I urge you to be careful.  I once was involved with a man who told me similar stories about his horrible exes and their awful friends and it turned out they were right to leave him.  The fallout from our relationship breakdown nearly ripped our circle of mutual friends apart.     In hindsight I wish I had been a bit more skeptical about his sob stories.

[Piratelvr1121]

Not really.  I guess it depends on how you look at it.  We were already engaged anyway, living on opposite coasts, as he was in CA, I was in MD, and him being military and jr. enlisted.  Our situation was different in that we both wanted to live together, but while he knew he wanted to do it right away, I was torn on whether or not the timing was right.   Getting married meant moving in together once I finished out the semester and moved out to CA.

I was still in college, but had changed major from nursing to teaching, which wasn't going much better than the nursing track was (as in the pre-req's kicked my patootie before I could even apply to the nursing program) and didn't know what else I wanted to do, career wise and figured "ah I can always go back".   

In answer to your question, well I think some friends/family might have thought he was pressuring me, and at the time I kinda thought so too, but 12 years later I think he was just as lonely and impatient as I was and the decision on whether or not the timing was right was easier for him than for me.

From what Kitchkat has posted, the opinion that he is pressuring her friend is coming from her friend, and not from Kitchkat.

I'm not saying it's the same situation.  Just that, depending on how Jack deals with it from here on out will tell if he's a good guy that's just impatient and doesn't understand female bonding, or if he is indeed a creep.

[anonymousmac]

The guy I am dating and about to move in with had all three of his long term relationships ruined by female BFFs who meddled and convinced his girlfriends that they could do better.  He feels like he was basically cheated on and betrayed by his girlfriends and their BFFS.  *He*  wanted to be first in their lives, as he was making the woman in his life first, as he is currently doing with me.  Is he perfect?  No.  Nobody is.  But I would have no business essentially bringing a third party into the relationship without his consent. 

If I were in a great relationship with someone I love, I can never imagine breaking up with him just because a friend told me I could do better.  I could only imagine breaking up with someone like that if something were already really wrong, and I was really unhappy, and talking it over with my friend helped me figure things out and give me the strength to do what was going to have to be done anyway.

I don't think that putting your partner first has to mean having no other close friends.  And if his girlfriends broke up with him, it was because they chose to do so, not because they were somehow choosing or "cheating" with their BFFs over him (in my opinion, not knowing any details).

[Sterling]

People need friends and sounding boards.  Over the course of my relationship with my husband I have talked to my best friends (who introduced us to each other) so that I could get an idea of what to do next.  This included when we broke up and whether I should keep him in my life in the hopes of reconciling, when he asked me to get back together, when he asked me to move in, when he asked me to marry him and when he asked me about having children.

The final decision was always mine but she knew me well enough to know when I was making a decision based on fear or excitement vs. what i really wanted.  She also sometimes pointed out when I wasn't being fair to him and I didn't even realize it.

If someone wanted me to not have close girlfriends I would be a little worried. 

[kitchcat]

OP back again just to add some clarification.

I would not say Jack is generally controlling in an unhealthy way. He's usually very amicable and friendly, but Jill and I both think he's feeling very insecure about Jill's hesitation to move in.

There is also another piece of information I left out because I did not think it was relevant at the time. This year, Jill is spending Thanksgiving with me and my family. The original plan was that both Jack and Jill would be coming, but big project at Jack's work around that time will no longer allow for him to travel for the visit (we live about 5 hours apart). I think when this project was announced, he assumed Jill would stay with him and have Thanksgiving by themselves. However, Jill has said she still plans on coming to spend Thanksgiving with my family as she is really looking forward to visiting me. I think this fact, combined with our emotional closeness is making Jack jealous.

Obviously none of that is my fault and there is nothing I can do about it. I'm just sticking to my plan, which is to avoid Jack until he initiates polite, friendly contact. Jack is fortunately the type who once calm, will almost always make the effort to apologize for his misdeeds. So now it's pretty much just a waiting game.

[LeveeWoman]

OP back again just to add some clarification.

I would not say Jack is generally controlling in an unhealthy way. He's usually very amicable and friendly, but Jill and I both think he's feeling very insecure about Jill's hesitation to move in.

There is also another piece of information I left out because I did not think it was relevant at the time. This year, Jill is spending Thanksgiving with me and my family. The original plan was that both Jack and Jill would be coming, but big project at Jack's work around that time will no longer allow for him to travel for the visit (we live about 5 hours apart). I think when this project was announced, he assumed Jill would stay with him and have Thanksgiving by themselves. However, Jill has said she still plans on coming to spend Thanksgiving with my family as she is really looking forward to visiting me. I think this fact, combined with our emotional closeness is making Jack jealous.

Obviously none of that is my fault and there is nothing I can do about it. I'm just sticking to my plan, which is to avoid Jack until he initiates polite, friendly contact. Jack is fortunately the type who once calm, will almost always make the effort to apologize for his misdeeds. So now it's pretty much just a waiting game.

Jack's currently pitching a fit about her decision to go with her plan to go to your family?