Dear Abby: Developmentally delayed adults at weddings?

[pixel dust]

My uncle is developmentally delayed and he's never been excluded from family events because he was taught how to behave himself.  I don't blame the LW at all for wanting to avoid having her special event ruined.  She doesn't want to exclude her cousin because he's developmentally delayed; she wants to exclude him because he's so badly behaved.  And that is down to his parents.

So, I think the LW should make it clear her cousin isn't invited, and if his parents are all offended and refuse to attend, that'd be fine too.

PODing Queen of Clubs.

My youngest brother (now 21, with the maturity of a 12 year old) has Down Syndrome. He loves, loves, loves weddings. He loves to dance and be the center of attention.

That being said, when he does start misbehaving, my parents, myself, my other brother, or even my husband corral him off the dance floor, sit him down and explain to him why whatever he's doing is wrong. He pouts for a little bit (he hates being told that he's wrong), but he gets over it quickly and (most of the time), listens to what we've said and stops the inappropriate behavior.

It doesn't matter that this cousin has a disability, if it was anyone else there'd be no hesitation in not inviting him to the wedding, so why should this person be different? I fully support treating developmentally delayed children and adults just like their "normal" peers, and that includes not inviting them to events where they will be an obvious distraction.

[Judah]

The disability is a red herring, the real issue is the cousin's behavior. I see nothing "snow flakey" about expecting parents to control their child and teach him manners. Now this child is an adult who has no manners and can't be controlled. It only makes sense not to invite a disruptive person to a special event.

[Paper Roses]

If the son (who is a full sized adult) really does "jump around and run into couples on the dance floor" like the letter writer says, then I can see why Abby replies "Don't his parents have common sense?" That's not just a case of being disruptive, it's a liability issue. Someone is bound to get injured.

Abby didn't say it.  The LW did.

[nuit93]

You need to snip the letter and include only a few lines.  It is against the rules to copy an entire letter from another website.  Provide one or two lines and then the link to the letter.

As for the LW, their concerns are valid and I don't see anything wrong with the common sense question.

Fixed, sorry.

[elephantschild]

Here's the thing: I have a son with Down Syndrome. He's 7. And he's much better behaved than that! If he even got close to that sort of behavior, he'd be removed by one of us, given a talking-to and would not return if he could not behave himself! (And he knows it!)

In fact, he's going to be attending his third wedding (he was specifically invited to all three) next June. He loves them, loves to dance, loves to talk to people. I have a priceless photo of him grinning from ear-to-ear, dancing with the bride at my cousin's wedding.

I agree: The disability is a red herring. Unfortunately, this fellow is a disruption and a danger, and it's a pity his parents choose to ignore that.

[courtsmad25]

I read the "Dear Abby" this morning and thought "man, I can't wait to see what the E-hellions think"!! Although I agree with the "the behavior is bad, he may hurt someone" aspect, for some reason the "don't his parents have any sense" and pointing out that they were shelling out thousands of dollars just set wrong with me.. I almost picture  it as "don't they know that its MY special day, I want everything to be perfect and Cousin Freddie may make a scene"..

[violinp]

I read the "Dear Abby" this morning and thought "man, I can't wait to see what the E-hellions think"!! Although I agree with the "the behavior is bad, he may hurt someone" aspect, for some reason the "don't his parents have any sense" and pointing out that they were shelling out thousands of dollars just set wrong with me.. I almost picture  it as "don't they know that its MY special day, I want everything to be perfect and Cousin Freddie may make a scene"..

It's not really about making a scene, though. The man could potentially knock someone over and hurt him or her. I wouldn't want that kind of situation at my wedding, no matter who was perpetrating it.

[Winterlight]

I read the "Dear Abby" this morning and thought "man, I can't wait to see what the E-hellions think"!! Although I agree with the "the behavior is bad, he may hurt someone" aspect, for some reason the "don't his parents have any sense" and pointing out that they were shelling out thousands of dollars just set wrong with me.. I almost picture  it as "don't they know that its MY special day, I want everything to be perfect and Cousin Freddie may make a scene"..

I read it more as "people are going to a lot of time and expense to make this a lovely event and I'm afraid someone will be injured."

[BeagleMommy]

My 30 year old godson has Aspberger's syndrome and he does not behave this way.  My cousin's son has Down's syndrome and he does not behave this way.  They were both taught manners.  This falls squarely on the shoulders of the parents.

One thing to note, children with these disorders often get overstimulated very easily.  It could be that the excitement, crowd, music and other festivities are overwhelming him and this is his way of coping.  Whether it is or isn't, it is still up to his parents to remedy the situation and correct the behavior.

[Acadianna]

I teach students with disabilities.  I love them and would defend them to the limit -- but I wouldn't tolerate that sort of misbehavior.  This isn't just to make it easier for me to teach, but to help them have the fullest social life possible.  If they don't learn to behave appropriately, others (as in the case of the LW) will prefer not to have them around, and understandably so.

[blarg314]

I've unfortunately seen this sort of thing before, and it's a tricky one to deal with.

Because the child had serious developmental issues, the parents didn't feel they had to work on discipline or behaviour -after all, there was a medical reason why the child couldn't behave.  So you had a 7 year old who acted inappropriately, and was impossible to contain or control or redirect. People put up with it because after all, it was a developmentally delayed child.

Then the child grows up. And there's a *huge* difference between an inappropriately behaving out of control 7 year old, and a fully grown, sexually mature adult who with the behaves like an out of control 7 year old, one of the biggest being that they are physically bigger than the people they are running into, screaming at, hitting, inappropriately hugging, grabbing stuff from, and so on.

But if you don't invite the family, or you leave the developmentally delayed adult out of the invitation, or ask them to leave or control their behaviour, you get a massive temper tantrum (on the part of the parents) plus accusations that you're a bigot and hate disabled people because they're disabled, and are so meeaan!

[VorFemme]

Mom had a cousin who was partially asphixiated during his birth and he had developmental delays.

His parents spent YEARS working with him and he ended up being very well behaved - to the point that some of the more rambunctious younger cousins (well, cousins-one-generation-removed - his cousin's children and his nieces & nephews) got told to behave and act more like Junior.

Too bad that the letter writer's relatives didn't work at teaching their child to behave better when they were young and small enough to pick up and REMOVE from the party if they didn't behave up to standards for staying at the party.

It gets a lot harder to correct the manners of someone when they can pick you up.......

I agree with one thing - it is the fault of his parents' that the cousin isn't welcome at the wedding - it would be the same if they had a badly behaved dog instead of a grown "child".  You have to start teaching them when they are younger or they get set in bad habits.

[VltGrantham]

I almost picture  it as "don't they know that its MY special day, I want everything to be perfect and Cousin Freddie may make a scene"..

I don't understand why this is a problem.

It IS a special day.  They are going to a lot of effort and expense.  What difference does it make if Cousin Freddie causes a scene because he's a raving lunatic, an obnoxious drunk, or a developmentally delayed individual who has the misfortune of parents who never bothered to try and teach him any proper social interaction?  The effect is pretty much the same.

The behavior is the issue--not the underlying cause.

[TurtleDove]

I almost picture  it as "don't they know that its MY special day, I want everything to be perfect and Cousin Freddie may make a scene"..

I don't understand why this is a problem.

It IS a special day.  They are going to a lot of effort and expense.  What difference does it make if Cousin Freddie causes a scene because he's a raving lunatic, an obnoxious drunk, or a developmentally delayed individual who has the misfortune of parents who never bothered to try and teach him any proper social interaction?  The effect is pretty much the same.

The behavior is the issue--not the underlying cause.

Agreed.  It is not rude or obnoxious in any way to want your wedding day to be special and drama free.

[snowdragon]

This person is not a child. When I worked with Developmentally Disabled  adults that was always fist and foremost - they were adults, treat them as such.
  So I think the Happy Couple need to treat this cousin as an adult - they know he can not conduct himself in a safe manner, therefore like any other adult who posed a threat he is not allowed at the wedding. They are not discriminating, they are treating him as they would anyone else, who would slam into others by not inviting him