To call out a liar or not (Delicate, awkard, tension filled)

[afbluebelle]

This one has been brewing for a while (about 5 months) and I still have no idea what to do about it, so here it goes.


Peggy is the GF of my coworker Craig. She is prior military, but got out.

Peggy has been very vocal about her issues with PTSD and her time in the sandbox. She has told a lot of people about her traumatizing events. I always only half listened, because she has a history of exaggeration and drama to the highest. She has gone on military charity supported events though, so I figured it was legit.


Well, long story short, it isn't. I always had my suspicions, because these horrible events that were traumatizing to her happened on deployments that either myself or trusted friends had been on.  A couple of good books and acquaintances/friends from other bases filled in all the gaping holes in her stories.

Normally, I would just leave it alone. She isn't claiming any medals that she supposedly got, and I can't call organizations telling them not to admit a person. But her and Craig got back together after a 4 year break up (whole different story of crazy). She is now showing up to squadron (work) functions and spouting this stuff off, and I really don't know what to do.  The part that kills me the most is that she is harping on me to include her in the list of wounded warriors that I am doing my Tough Mudder for. I've dodged the subject pretty well so far, but I am just trying to do this as polite as possible.


Basically, I'm at a level of extreme disgust an thisclose to hating her, and she wants to be pals. How to I do this politely and not alienate my friend?

[alkira6]

Tell her that you need copies of her deployment papers for all of those "events" that she is talking about. Documentation is the key to a successful project, ya know.

[bopper]

I would start out with "Peggy, I already have my list of people finalized. "

If that doesn't work, then

"Peggy, I was talking to my friend over at <base> about the incidents that you have been talking about having been a part of  and they have been giving me details on what happened and to who.  From multiple sources I get a very different picture than what you are telling. So I don't feel comfortable at this time putting you on my list."

Just read the post above me...Even better...."Peggy, I want to get a true picture of what really happened to you.  Can you give me the names of contacts who were there with you?"

[djinnidjream]

Bopper, I'm not so sure that's a good idea.  Someone who is willing to lie about being in the military and what she's done there is not very stable- and it's never good to accuse someone in that way.  Unless she is claiming benefits she does not deserve, it's best  not to engage the crazy.

I like the "already finalized" or just "forget to"

[afbluebelle]

She was in the military, and has deployed... Without giving too many details, she has claimed to have experienced some things that were geographically impossible with the timeline that she claims.

Thank you for all of the suggestions. I have difficulty stepping back from a situation and seeing it with impartial eyes sometimes.

[cheyne]

Good to see you on afbluebelle, I was wondering how you'd been.

I like alkira6's post.  If Peggy is a Wounded Warrior there will be documentation to support this.  She needs to put up or shut up.  How dare she claim such status by lying about it.

I am disgusted by Peggy's behavior.  I applaud you for your restraint in this.  I know I would not be as restrained as you.

[Redneck Gravy]

I agree with PP - get some documentation.  Perhaps ask Peggy to write out the timeline, geography and contacts.

If she does you can confirm the details and if she doesn't don't include her until it has been written out, confirmed, etc.  She may give up once she has to provide the written details.

I am also disgusted by this.  Thank you cheyne for helping with the "appropriate" word.

 

[SamiHami]

You've already gotten good advice that I cannot improve upon. My question is: why do you want to remain friends with her? Her behavior is disgusting and an affront to every soldier that truly has suffered as a result of their deployments. I just don't think I could be friends with someone who did that, even if she has other more redeeming qualities.

[O'Dell]

Asking for documentation is a good idea if you can get away with it.

Her stories would seriously get to me. Can you (or have you) tried mentioning knowing this person or that one that might have been where she was? "Oh Dave was at XYZ during abc date. Do you know him?" Just to get it out there that you could easily check up on her if she gives you reason to. Maybe it will worry her enough that she'll stop bringing it up when you are around. She doesn't have to know that you already know. I assume you want to plausible deniability since she's seeing your friend.

[afbluebelle]

You've already gotten good advice that I cannot improve upon. My question is: why do you want to remain friends with her? Her behavior is disgusting and an affront to every soldier that truly has suffered as a result of their deployments. I just don't think I could be friends with someone who did that, even if she has other more redeeming qualities.

We are not friends. Craig is a good friend, and he loves this woman. He is semi-aware of this whole mess, but is choosing to ignore it because... well, I have no idea why.  She did lose a close friend on one of these trips, and he believes that this is a coping mechanism. Thing is, we have all lost people.  I am just trying to not let what I want to say come out, because that would not be nice.

[SamiHami]

You've already gotten good advice that I cannot improve upon. My question is: why do you want to remain friends with her? Her behavior is disgusting and an affront to every soldier that truly has suffered as a result of their deployments. I just don't think I could be friends with someone who did that, even if she has other more redeeming qualities.

We are not friends. Craig is a good friend, and he loves this woman. He is semi-aware of this whole mess, but is choosing to ignore it because... well, I have no idea why.  She did lose a close friend on one of these trips, and he believes that this is a coping mechanism. Thing is, we have all lost people.  I am just trying to not let what I want to say come out, because that would not be nice.

Ah, I misunderstood!

Perhaps you could have a chat with Craig about her behavior? If he is a good friend, perhaps a gentle talk with him would do some good. He may be able to convey to her that she is being offensive in a way that you cannot.

[rashea]

It definitely sounds like a coping mechanism (I used to see it as a rape counselor sometimes). I think you can gently call her on it if you want. Something like, "huh, it seems a lot happened to you. I think sometimes it's hard to separate personal experiences from the general chaos of hell that happened over there." I think that gives her an out, but also lets her know you're on to her.

[TurtleDove]

It definitely sounds like a coping mechanism (I used to see it as a rape counselor sometimes). I think you can gently call her on it if you want. Something like, "huh, it seems a lot happened to you. I think sometimes it's hard to separate personal experiences from the general chaos of hell that happened over there." I think that gives her an out, but also lets her know you're on to her.

I like rashea's idea.  And good to see you, afbluebell, and yay re the Tough Mudder!

[afbluebelle]

It definitely sounds like a coping mechanism (I used to see it as a rape counselor sometimes). I think you can gently call her on it if you want. Something like, "huh, it seems a lot happened to you. I think sometimes it's hard to separate personal experiences from the general chaos of hell that happened over there." I think that gives her an out, but also lets her know you're on to her.

That actually makes sense, and sounds a whole lot more sane than the words that have been thrown around in the break area. Thank you!



And thank you Turtle Dove... I've never looked forward to being electrocuted this much in my life!

[Slartibartfast]

Sounds like this is being dumped into your lap because of a project you're doing which would involve either accepting her claim of being a "Wounded Warrior" or essentially calling her a liar, do I have that right?  If so, you can refuse to accept her lies without calling her on it publicly: "Peggy, I can't include you for commendation for events that never happened.  If you want to claim these experiences for your own I certainly can't stop you, but I can't include you in this project."  If she insists it's all true, you can tell her you need proof before you can "put it on paper."