Author Topic: This is NOT my problem! Resolution, p 5  (Read 19964 times)

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BatCity

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This is NOT my problem! Resolution, p 5
« on: October 23, 2012, 02:30:21 PM »
Next week my parents are taking me on the vacation of a lifetime, a 10 day tour to South America and Machu Picchu.

A few days ago, DH was asked by his boss if he could go to a conference one of the weeks I'm gone.  Problem is, there really isn't anybody who can stay with DD13 if he goes.  We haven't lived in the area very long, and of course we can't ask my folks if they can stay with her.  College age kids are all in school.

So, he can't go.

But he is determined to find someone who can stay with DD.  More accurately, he is determined for ME to find someone who can watch her.  And in a way, he has a point.  I'm the social one who went out and found all the local resources and made a few local contacts.  He, on the other hand, did not.  But I've exhausted my contacts, and anybody we found now would be somebody who DD doesn't know, who we'd have to hire from outside and pay top dollar (i.e. several hundred dollars a day for a week).

I really do feel bad for DH, but I feel I've done my due diligence and he will not. let. go.  Every few hours he asks me if this person or that called back, if there's anyone else I can call, if I can call back this or that person who hasn't returned my call from last week about this.  And is he willing to do anything at all?  Nothing.  Nada. 

At the moment, he's ticked at me because he walked in while I was on the phone and interrupted my conversation to ask if I'd heard back from anyone.  I rolled my eyes and shooed him away.

At this point, I'm just counting the hours until I can get out of the country and away from this silliness.

What do I do, eHellions?  Should I keep looking?  Tell my husband he's on his own?  Should I feel guilty that he can't have his conference while I'm on my trip?  Am I being callous, or do I need to work on my spine?
« Last Edit: October 24, 2012, 11:34:59 AM by BatCity »

doodlemor

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Re: This is NOT my problem!
« Reply #1 on: October 23, 2012, 02:42:10 PM »
It sounds like a difficult situation, BatCity.  Is there any way that he can take her with him?  Do hotels offer any kind of care for minors?

As for whether you keep looking.....You certainly don't have to be his secretary. That being said, if you aren't working right now it would make him happy if you made a few more stabs at it.  If you are trying to do this from your job then he should be the one to deal with it.

Perhaps his boss knows someone reliable.  Would there be time to get together and let DD get acquainted with someone?

I hope that you have a wonderful trip, and that the teencare issue gets solved!

Shoo

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Re: This is NOT my problem!
« Reply #2 on: October 23, 2012, 02:45:44 PM »
I think you've done about as much as you could be expected to. At this point, even if you did find someone who could stay with your 13 year old daughter, it would be a complete STRANGER.  I know that I, personally, would not be comfortable with that and I'd have to tell my husband to get over it, he isn't leaving our daughter with someone we don't know.


Deetee

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Re: This is NOT my problem!
« Reply #3 on: October 23, 2012, 02:52:45 PM »
I would make one last effort to communicate with your husband.  I would (because I am like this) write everyone that you know of and that you have contacted and how much time and effort you have have spent. Then I would make another list of all the effort your husband has spent.

Then I would say "I have planned this trip forever and I am going on it. You knew of the trip and that you were caring for DD when you decided you wanted to go to this conference. I have done everything I can to help you find childcare. The only options are this very expensive care or you find someone that I am comfortable with for staying with DD. I will not be spending any more time on this."

The main issue that I see is that he thinks childcare is still your problem to deal with when he is the one bailing on parental responsibilities. That is unreasonable in my mind. My husband and I have days where we are primarily responsible for our kid and if we are unable to take over that day, we find the back-up childcare ourselves (not 100% of the time, but we realise that the final responsibility belongs with us).

All that being said, at 13 DD may be old enough to stay at close friends house for a week.


BatCity

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Re: This is NOT my problem!
« Reply #4 on: October 23, 2012, 02:55:40 PM »
Doodlemor, the conference is in Las Vegas.  The options for childcare are very limited, partly because we're right smack dab in the middle of the school year.

I work full time and my job is very demanding, so it's not a "you have time and I don't" thing.  It's just because he's not outgoing and feels uncomfortable asking for help. 

It sounds like a difficult situation, BatCity.  Is there any way that he can take her with him?  Do hotels offer any kind of care for minors?

As for whether you keep looking.....You certainly don't have to be his secretary. That being said, if you aren't working right now it would make him happy if you made a few more stabs at it.  If you are trying to do this from your job then he should be the one to deal with it.

Perhaps his boss knows someone reliable.  Would there be time to get together and let DD get acquainted with someone?

I hope that you have a wonderful trip, and that the teencare issue gets solved!

O'Dell

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Re: This is NOT my problem!
« Reply #5 on: October 23, 2012, 02:57:45 PM »
Question: why does someone have to stay with your daughter? Is there a school friend whose family your daughter could stay with for the week?

Even if you do come up with those options, get your husband to do some of the calling around. And point out to him that it's not your problem. You are right about that.
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doodlemor

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Re: This is NOT my problem!
« Reply #6 on: October 23, 2012, 03:03:03 PM »
Doodlemor, the conference is in Las Vegas.  The options for childcare are very limited, partly because we're right smack dab in the middle of the school year.

I work full time and my job is very demanding, so it's not a "you have time and I don't" thing.  It's just because he's not outgoing and feels uncomfortable asking for help. 

It sounds like a difficult situation, BatCity.  Is there any way that he can take her with him?  Do hotels offer any kind of care for minors?

As for whether you keep looking.....You certainly don't have to be his secretary. That being said, if you aren't working right now it would make him happy if you made a few more stabs at it.  If you are trying to do this from your job then he should be the one to deal with it.

Perhaps his boss knows someone reliable.  Would there be time to get together and let DD get acquainted with someone?

I hope that you have a wonderful trip, and that the teencare issue gets solved!

This is absolutely his problem/responsibility, then.  You have already gone above and beyond what you need to do.  He knew long ago that you were going to be out of the country at that time. 

Have a lovely holiday, and tell us about it when you get back.  Could you please share a few pictures, too?

snowdragon

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Re: This is NOT my problem!
« Reply #7 on: October 23, 2012, 03:07:43 PM »
I kind of feel for your husband. He is likely getting pressure from his boss and it might not look good for him to say no.   It's not the boss's problem either and many jobs do require these conferences and include going to them in evaluations for raises and promotions. Your husband is likely in a tough spot here.
  As for advice, I would consider asking if she can stay with a school friend, or even taking her out of school and sending her to his parents for the time you are gone. Also College aged kids might all be in school now, but what about asking one anyhow.  Their classes are likely around the time she'll be in school , anyhow - and even if there is a little bit of an overlay, she's 13 and could probably handle a little bit of time alone til someone got home. You might even look into getting a Grad student who would be a bit older than the average undergrad. Just a thought.

Kitty Hawk

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Re: This is NOT my problem!
« Reply #8 on: October 23, 2012, 03:12:57 PM »
She's your daughter, so it is your problem.

Actually I feel sorry for her.  Mom's vacation is more important than her.  Dad is carrying on about being stuck at home having to babysit instead of attending a work conference.

Redneck Gravy

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Re: This is NOT my problem!
« Reply #9 on: October 23, 2012, 03:22:17 PM »
This is a family problem. 

Is there any way she could stay a couple of nights with friend one and a couple of nights with friend two, then if necessary a couple of nights with friend three?  I know you are new in town but surely there are some parents that would love to have a friend for their DD for a couple of nights.

Have you called DD's school and asked for any advice from the principal, counselor or one of DD's teachers? 

Is there anyway that DH could go a day or two late to the conference?  I think there are still some options for you two to discuss.  He needs to put some effort into this also, maybe he needs to be the one going with DD to visit her friends over the next few days and help solve the problem. 

College aged kids may be in school - but some still have open evenings.  Perhaps one could still stay the night with DD and make sure she is safe and gets up in the mornings.   College students do lots of things to make ends meet and even if you are not offering big bucks to fix an evening meal and supervise DD there may be a student that needs the free meal and the money anyway.

RingTailedLemur

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Re: This is NOT my problem!
« Reply #10 on: October 23, 2012, 03:23:39 PM »
She's your daughter, so it is your problem.

Actually, it's both mum and dad's problem.



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Actually I feel sorry for her.  Mom's vacation is more important than her.

WOAH.  The OP said nothing of the sort.  Being a mother doesn't mean you give up your whole life.


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Dad is carrying on about being stuck at home having to babysit instead of attending a work conference.

Therein lies the problem - it's not babysitting, it is parenting.
« Last Edit: October 23, 2012, 03:28:28 PM by RingTailedLemur »

SamiHami

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Re: This is NOT my problem!
« Reply #11 on: October 23, 2012, 03:24:34 PM »
She's your daughter, so it is your problem.

Actually I feel sorry for her.  Mom's vacation is more important than her.  Dad is carrying on about being stuck at home having to babysit instead of attending a work conference.

That is truly an ugly and hateful thing to say.

What have you got? Is it food? Is it for me? I want it whatever it is!

Tabby Uprising

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Re: This is NOT my problem!
« Reply #12 on: October 23, 2012, 03:25:52 PM »
She's your daughter, so it is your problem.

Actually I feel sorry for her.  Mom's vacation is more important than her.  Dad is carrying on about being stuck at home having to babysit instead of attending a work conference.

OP's vacation was scheduled.  Daughter and dad were all set to continue their current routine.  As stated in the OP, the problem is dad has the option of attending a conference.  Worst case scenario is dad doesn't get to go and he stays with the daughter as originally planned. 

How is the OP's vacation more important than her daughter?  Should the OP stay home to watch daughter so dad can go on the conference?  Does that mean his conference is more important than his daughter?  I didn't see the OP state her husband was carrying on about being stuck at home babysitting.  He has the opportunity to go on a conference, but knows he can't leave his 13 year old daughter alone while he does this. He's not complaining about babysitting, he's trying to find someone to stay with daughter if he goes to the conference. 

Look.  It's okay for parents to go away for vacations/business.  It doesn't mean they don't care about their kids and said kids need anyone's pity.  The only problem here is that in a freak occurrence both parents had something crop up at the same time.  Yeah, they might be a little frantic trying to sort it all out, but that doesn't make them selfish in any way.

Deetee

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Re: This is NOT my problem!
« Reply #13 on: October 23, 2012, 03:27:37 PM »
She's your daughter, so it is your problem.

Actually, it's both mum and dad's problem.



Quote
Actually I feel sorry for her.  Mom's vacation is more important than her.

WOAH.  The OP said nothing of the sort.  Being a mother doesn't mean you give up your whole life.


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Dad is carrying on about being stuck at home having to babysit instead of attending a work conference.

Therein lies the problem - it's not babysitting, it is parenting.

All of this. I couldn't agree more. This child has TWO parents.

It was clarified that both mom and dad work full time so this isn't a case of traditional territory.

RingTailedLemur

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Re: This is NOT my problem!
« Reply #14 on: October 23, 2012, 03:28:49 PM »
She's your daughter, so it is your problem.

Actually, it's both mum and dad's problem.



Quote
Actually I feel sorry for her.  Mom's vacation is more important than her.

WOAH.  The OP said nothing of the sort.  Being a mother doesn't mean you give up your whole life.


Quote
Dad is carrying on about being stuck at home having to babysit instead of attending a work conference.

Therein lies the problem - it's not babysitting, it is parenting.

All of this. I couldn't agree more. This child has TWO parents.

It was clarified that both mom and dad work full time so this isn't a case of traditional territory.

Yup.  OP's DH is just going to have to miss the conference.  He only got a couple of week's notice that he was invited, boss will just have to accept that child care responsibilities make it impossible on such short notice.