Author Topic: This is NOT my problem! Resolution, p 5  (Read 19407 times)

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SamiHami

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Re: This is NOT my problem!
« Reply #15 on: October 23, 2012, 03:30:54 PM »
OP, it sounds like you've done your due diligence. If your DH cannot come up with a reasonable solution then he needs to just suck it up and stay home to parent his child. It's a shame about the timing, but what does he expect? For you to cancel your vacation so he can party in Vegas? It just is not your responsibility to fix this for him; he's a grown up and should handle it without making you miserable.

Sometimes things don't work out the way we would like them to, but you get over it and move on. Besides, he should be looking forward to having some one-on-one bonding time with his daughter. Vegas will still be there. He can go another time.

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Two Ravens

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Re: This is NOT my problem!
« Reply #16 on: October 23, 2012, 03:34:02 PM »
OP, it sounds like you've done your due diligence. If your DH cannot come up with a reasonable solution then he needs to just suck it up and stay home to parent his child. It's a shame about the timing, but what does he expect? For you to cancel your vacation so he can party in Vegas? It just is not your responsibility to fix this for him; he's a grown up and should handle it without making you miserable.

Sometimes things don't work out the way we would like them to, but you get over it and move on. Besides, he should be looking forward to having some one-on-one bonding time with his daughter. Vegas will still be there. He can go another time.

This is a bit much. The OP's husband is trying to attend a work conference at the request of his boss. Why paint him as a villian in this?

BatCity

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Re: This is NOT my problem!
« Reply #17 on: October 23, 2012, 03:40:47 PM »
Sadly, DH has no family, so no options there.

As for the conference...if this were required for work, that would be one thing, but he goes to a ton of conferences, at least one a month.  He only wants to go to this one because it's in Las Vegas.

And while I agree that sometimes you have to do these things for work, our employers both understand that we have to make trade-offs sometimes.  In the old days, if a man had to be at a conference, there would be no question that it was the wife's job to stay home with the kids.  Nowadays, DH and I are constantly juggling our travel plans so we don't have to be gone at the same time.  Our bosses don't hold it against us, because they have to do the same thing with their spouses.

ETA: I added this reply before I read the rest of the thread, and I agree with the responses to the poster who felt I was being selfish.  Of course I'm being selfish, taking my folks up on a trip without my DH and DD.  That's causing a bit of family drama in itself. 

I will suggest that DH look into the possibility of childcare in Vegas.  I don't think he looked very hard.

I kind of feel for your husband. He is likely getting pressure from his boss and it might not look good for him to say no.   It's not the boss's problem either and many jobs do require these conferences and include going to them in evaluations for raises and promotions. Your husband is likely in a tough spot here.
  As for advice, I would consider asking if she can stay with a school friend, or even taking her out of school and sending her to his parents for the time you are gone. Also College aged kids might all be in school now, but what about asking one anyhow.  Their classes are likely around the time she'll be in school , anyhow - and even if there is a little bit of an overlay, she's 13 and could probably handle a little bit of time alone til someone got home. You might even look into getting a Grad student who would be a bit older than the average undergrad. Just a thought.
« Last Edit: October 23, 2012, 03:46:21 PM by BatCity »

camlan

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Re: This is NOT my problem!
« Reply #18 on: October 23, 2012, 03:42:33 PM »
Lots of the hotels in Las Vegas offer some sort of child care. It's not free, but if you are currently looking at hundreds of dollars a day to find someone to care for her at home, it's worth calling around. It might mean that DH would have to stay at a non-conference hotel, but that seems like a reasonable compromise. At the very least, he should call the hotel where the conference will be held and see if they offer any sort of child minding.

Dh should also contact the organization hosting the conference to see if they have any suggestions. A company I used to work for sponsored a large trade convention every year, and we got questions of that sort all the time.

The idea of finding a few friends whose parents would allow a couple of days and nights visit also sounds good. How long is the conference? Maybe five days? If you could find at least two sets of parents who'd be willing to host your daughter for a few nights, problem solved.
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SingActDance

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Re: This is NOT my problem!
« Reply #19 on: October 23, 2012, 03:44:49 PM »
I'll second those who say check to see if DD has a friend whose parents would be willing to let her sleep over for the week.

I have to ask who you are hiring that charges several hundred dollars a day to care for a teenager who will be in school most of the week. Maybe it's a regional difference but I think that's a rip-off. I've had live-in nanny jobs before and they typically don't pay more than several hundred a week.
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SamiHami

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Re: This is NOT my problem!
« Reply #20 on: October 23, 2012, 04:00:05 PM »
Your DH goes to conferences once a month and just wants to go on this one because it's in Vegas? That changes a lot for me.

My official opinion now is that he needs to grow up and stop whining about it and just stay home to care for his child. If I were you I would have a come-to-deity chat with him about parental responsibility and about guilt-tripping you. I would make it abundantly clear that the subject is closed and would refuse to discuss it any further, period.

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Moray

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Re: This is NOT my problem!
« Reply #21 on: October 23, 2012, 04:06:03 PM »
She's your daughter, so it is your problem.

Actually I feel sorry for her.  Mom's vacation is more important than her.  Dad is carrying on about being stuck at home having to babysit instead of attending a work conference.

That's pretty low. And for the record, Dads don't "babysit". They "parent".
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Re: This is NOT my problem!
« Reply #22 on: October 23, 2012, 04:08:48 PM »
Kitty Hawk will no longer be participating in this discussion. Carry on, please.
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Roe

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Re: This is NOT my problem!
« Reply #23 on: October 23, 2012, 04:10:33 PM »
She's your daughter, so it is your problem.

Actually I feel sorry for her.  Mom's vacation is more important than her.  Dad is carrying on about being stuck at home having to babysit instead of attending a work conference.

Your words are completely uncalled for. 

mindicherry

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Re: This is NOT my problem!
« Reply #24 on: October 23, 2012, 04:15:44 PM »
Sadly, DH has no family, so no options there.

As for the conference...if this were required for work, that would be one thing, but he goes to a ton of conferences, at least one a month.  He only wants to go to this one because it's in Las Vegas.

And while I agree that sometimes you have to do these things for work, our employers both understand that we have to make trade-offs sometimes.  In the old days, if a man had to be at a conference, there would be no question that it was the wife's job to stay home with the kids.  Nowadays, DH and I are constantly juggling our travel plans so we don't have to be gone at the same time.  Our bosses don't hold it against us, because they have to do the same thing with their spouses.

I kind of feel for your husband. He is likely getting pressure from his boss and it might not look good for him to say no.   It's not the boss's problem either and many jobs do require these conferences and include going to them in evaluations for raises and promotions. Your husband is likely in a tough spot here.
  As for advice, I would consider asking if she can stay with a school friend, or even taking her out of school and sending her to his parents for the time you are gone. Also College aged kids might all be in school now, but what about asking one anyhow.  Their classes are likely around the time she'll be in school , anyhow - and even if there is a little bit of an overlay, she's 13 and could probably handle a little bit of time alone til someone got home. You might even look into getting a Grad student who would be a bit older than the average undergrad. Just a thought.

You know - I was about to come to the defense of your husband, thinking that, in this economy, work DOES trump vacation (i.e. "If he could potentially lose his job because he can't attend, then that IS more important than your vacation...and that is why people get travel insurance"), but if your bosses are understanding of things like this and he is in NO danger of losing his job (or even a "ding" on his next review), then I agree - he has to skip the trip to Vegas (and do it WITHOUT pouting and making your child feel like it is HER fault that he has to stay home.

The only thing I would ask is this.....*IF* he would get in trouble with his boss for not making this conference, would you still be thinking "Not My Problem!"? Or would you be rescheduling your vacation?

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Re: This is NOT my problem!
« Reply #25 on: October 23, 2012, 04:19:02 PM »
Sadly, DH has no family, so no options there.

As for the conference...if this were required for work, that would be one thing, but he goes to a ton of conferences, at least one a month.  He only wants to go to this one because it's in Las Vegas.

And while I agree that sometimes you have to do these things for work, our employers both understand that we have to make trade-offs sometimes.  In the old days, if a man had to be at a conference, there would be no question that it was the wife's job to stay home with the kids.  Nowadays, DH and I are constantly juggling our travel plans so we don't have to be gone at the same time.  Our bosses don't hold it against us, because they have to do the same thing with their spouses.

ETA: I added this reply before I read the rest of the thread, and I agree with the responses to the poster who felt I was being selfish.  Of course I'm being selfish, taking my folks up on a trip without my DH and DD.  That's causing a bit of family drama in itself. 

I will suggest that DH look into the possibility of childcare in Vegas.  I don't think he looked very hard.

I kind of feel for your husband. He is likely getting pressure from his boss and it might not look good for him to say no.   It's not the boss's problem either and many jobs do require these conferences and include going to them in evaluations for raises and promotions. Your husband is likely in a tough spot here.
  As for advice, I would consider asking if she can stay with a school friend, or even taking her out of school and sending her to his parents for the time you are gone. Also College aged kids might all be in school now, but what about asking one anyhow.  Their classes are likely around the time she'll be in school , anyhow - and even if there is a little bit of an overlay, she's 13 and could probably handle a little bit of time alone til someone got home. You might even look into getting a Grad student who would be a bit older than the average undergrad. Just a thought.

Has he come out and said that he wants to go to this LV conference just to party? If he hasn't, then ask him why this conference is so important to him. IME people often are reluctant to put those thoughts into words and/or realize what jerks they are being and back down. And if he does admit it, then paint the full picture for him: "So you want me to finagle things so that you can go to an optional conference and party on your company's dime rather than stay home and be a parent to your 13yo daughter?" Let him try to justify his actions or realize he's being a jerk and needs to back off bugging you to solve his problem.
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Kaypeep

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Re: This is NOT my problem!
« Reply #26 on: October 23, 2012, 04:19:57 PM »
Sadly, DH has no family, so no options there.

As for the conference...if this were required for work, that would be one thing, but he goes to a ton of conferences, at least one a month.  He only wants to go to this one because it's in Las Vegas.

And while I agree that sometimes you have to do these things for work, our employers both understand that we have to make trade-offs sometimes.  In the old days, if a man had to be at a conference, there would be no question that it was the wife's job to stay home with the kids.  Nowadays, DH and I are constantly juggling our travel plans so we don't have to be gone at the same time.  Our bosses don't hold it against us, because they have to do the same thing with their spouses.

ETA: I added this reply before I read the rest of the thread, and I agree with the responses to the poster who felt I was being selfish.  Of course I'm being selfish, taking my folks up on a trip without my DH and DD.  That's causing a bit of family drama in itself. 

I will suggest that DH look into the possibility of childcare in Vegas.  I don't think he looked very hard.

I kind of feel for your husband. He is likely getting pressure from his boss and it might not look good for him to say no.   It's not the boss's problem either and many jobs do require these conferences and include going to them in evaluations for raises and promotions. Your husband is likely in a tough spot here.
  As for advice, I would consider asking if she can stay with a school friend, or even taking her out of school and sending her to his parents for the time you are gone. Also College aged kids might all be in school now, but what about asking one anyhow.  Their classes are likely around the time she'll be in school , anyhow - and even if there is a little bit of an overlay, she's 13 and could probably handle a little bit of time alone til someone got home. You might even look into getting a Grad student who would be a bit older than the average undergrad. Just a thought.

OP - what about what other posters have suggested, where your DD stays with a friend?  Maybe she can break it up and stay with one friend for 3 days and another for 4 days, if a whole week is too much?

Deetee

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Re: This is NOT my problem!
« Reply #27 on: October 23, 2012, 04:22:23 PM »
His boss will understand AND he mainly wants to go because it's in Vegas AND he goes to a conference about once a month?

Nuh-uh!! No way. Forget it. The title of your thread is entirely apt.

I had some sympathy for the husband earlier in the thread, but this sounds like a choice, not a work "obligation". Personally, I'd be annoyed that he chose to go AT ALL, let alone expected me to come up with babysitting plans.

Redneck Gravy

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Re: This is NOT my problem!
« Reply #28 on: October 23, 2012, 04:31:12 PM »
Have you tried a temp agency to see what a nanny would charge?

Several hundred dollars a day is outrageous so that your husband can attend a conference in Las Vegas...if it is so terribly important perhaps his company will pay.


GratefulMaria

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Re: This is NOT my problem!
« Reply #29 on: October 23, 2012, 04:35:05 PM »
After reading all the background, I interpret the title as, loosely, "DH-wanting-to-go-to-a-conference-because-it's-in-Vegas is not my problem" rather than their DD's care not being OP's problem.

Vegas will still be there; perhaps your DH can look at going another time or under other circumstances.  My DH says it's a very common conference venue in his line of work; he goes I think yearly but could go more often if he wanted just because so much is scheduled there.