Author Topic: This is NOT my problem! Resolution, p 5  (Read 19528 times)

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SamiHami

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Re: This is NOT my problem!
« Reply #30 on: October 23, 2012, 04:49:31 PM »
OP, it sounds like you've done your due diligence. If your DH cannot come up with a reasonable solution then he needs to just suck it up and stay home to parent his child. It's a shame about the timing, but what does he expect? For you to cancel your vacation so he can party in Vegas? It just is not your responsibility to fix this for him; he's a grown up and should handle it without making you miserable.

Sometimes things don't work out the way we would like them to, but you get over it and move on. Besides, he should be looking forward to having some one-on-one bonding time with his daughter. Vegas will still be there. He can go another time.

This is a bit much. The OP's husband is trying to attend a work conference at the request of his boss. Why paint him as a villian in this?

Because the OP stated that he wants to go to this particular conference because it is in Vegas-so he wants to go because of where it is, not because it's important to his career. Since he doesn't have to go, and his going would create problems with child care, then yes-villain is too strong a word-he is in the wrong in this situation.

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SiotehCat

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Re: This is NOT my problem!
« Reply #31 on: October 23, 2012, 04:53:23 PM »
OP, it sounds like you've done your due diligence. If your DH cannot come up with a reasonable solution then he needs to just suck it up and stay home to parent his child. It's a shame about the timing, but what does he expect? For you to cancel your vacation so he can party in Vegas? It just is not your responsibility to fix this for him; he's a grown up and should handle it without making you miserable.

Sometimes things don't work out the way we would like them to, but you get over it and move on. Besides, he should be looking forward to having some one-on-one bonding time with his daughter. Vegas will still be there. He can go another time.

This is a bit much. The OP's husband is trying to attend a work conference at the request of his boss. Why paint him as a villian in this?

Because the OP stated that he wants to go to this particular conference because it is in Vegas-so he wants to go because of where it is, not because it's important to his career. Since he doesn't have to go, and his going would create problems with child care, then yes-villain is too strong a word-he is in the wrong in this situation.

The OP said that in Post 17. Your reply was #15. Without the OP's explanation on #17, you would have had no way of knowing that her DH wanted to party in Vegas.

Cat-Fu

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Re: This is NOT my problem!
« Reply #32 on: October 23, 2012, 05:01:37 PM »
The OP said it was going to be in Vegas in post #4, actually.

BatCity, I don't think you're being callous. If your DH really wants to go, then he should be the one in charge of locating childcare.
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SiotehCat

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Re: This is NOT my problem!
« Reply #33 on: October 23, 2012, 05:03:12 PM »
The OP said it was going to be in Vegas in post #4, actually.

BatCity, I don't think you're being callous. If your DH really wants to go, then he should be the one in charge of locating childcare.

In Post 4, she said that it was in Vegas, but she did not indicate that the only reason her DH wanted to go was BECAUSE it was in Vegas. She definitely didn't say that he wanted to party in Vegas.

SamiHami

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Re: This is NOT my problem!
« Reply #34 on: October 23, 2012, 05:06:28 PM »
The OP said it was going to be in Vegas in post #4, actually.

BatCity, I don't think you're being callous. If your DH really wants to go, then he should be the one in charge of locating childcare.

In Post 4, she said that it was in Vegas, but she did not indicate that the only reason her DH wanted to go was BECAUSE it was in Vegas. She definitely didn't say that he wanted to party in Vegas.

Regardess, it was pretty clear from the first post that this was a want, not an obligation. And I think it's fair to infer that he's excited about the prospect of going to Vegas to party because that is what people do in Vegas. I seriously doubt if he would be that fired up  about going if it were in a different, less exciting city.

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TootsNYC

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Re: This is NOT my problem!
« Reply #35 on: October 23, 2012, 05:12:07 PM »
You're the one with the strength in this area (finding child care), and I think you should do as much as you can. I get that you have already done a lot, and you feel that he has done nothing.

But this *is* your strength, and you should want to help him. And to help your family.

If he's been treating you in a way that makes you not WANT to help him, that's a little bit different conversation.

Have you two had a really open conversation about this?
Time for one!

Be absolutely certain that this conference is an opportunity that he CAN pass up, and not something that will really hurt him.

And then paint the parallels, perhaps.
He wants to go on a conference by himself; you want to go on a trip with your parents by yourself.

It didn't sound like there's any request for you to cancel--just badgering for you to make something happen that isn't happening.

So maybe in that conversation, you need to clearly delineate all the routes YOU have tried, so that he sees, in one clear place, all you have done.

And then say to him, very clearly, "I've done all I can. Now your reminders have crossed a line into badgering me. And the sad truth is that it is making me pissed of at you and making me resent you. I don't want that dynamic between us."

And then give him guidance on what more he could do himself to line up child care. Say to him very clearly: "I want to make this perfectly clear, hon. Now YOU have to do the work."

Then, when he mentions it, you can say, "What did you do about it? Have you called anyone? Have you taken any of those steps?"

TootsNYC

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Re: This is NOT my problem!
« Reply #36 on: October 23, 2012, 05:15:06 PM »
One other thing my family once did was to farm each of us out to someone we knew.

I went to the home of a couple who went to my church and I stayed with them for the week. I went to school, and I did my homework there. And I rode my bike around the way I always did--I just shifted my home base for the week.

They didn't have kids, even (my brothers all stayed with a friend). But they knew me and liked me.

And it wasn't THAT much trouble for them, because they only had to make enough extra food for each meal, and I was a pleasant houseguest. They didn't come to MY house--they just had me stay at theirs. I didn't know them all that terribly well then, but I sure knew them well after, and was quite fond of them.

How long is this conference? A full week? Even if DD can just cadge a bed on the sofa of one of her friends for a couple of days, would that be enough?

Zilla

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Re: This is NOT my problem!
« Reply #37 on: October 23, 2012, 05:16:36 PM »
Can you compromise with him that when you got back he can have a fun weekend in Vegas?  Or be blunt, tell him, "So let me get this straight.  My parents are gifting me with a trip to South America that is paid for and you want me to cancel this so you can go to a conference to Las Vegas?"  Because this is what it is boiling down to.  Here's another thought, is there any way you can pay for a ticket for your daughter to go?  Present it as an educational trip as these are permitted at most schools.  This is the route I would end up taking if dh balked at staying home with her.   

Roe

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Re: This is NOT my problem!
« Reply #38 on: October 23, 2012, 05:19:38 PM »
I don't think this has been mentioned but the OP might not want her daughter to stay with other people.  After all, they (the parents) always make an effort to be sure that one of them is with the daughter.  They make sure to schedule travel dates around who can stay with their daughter.  And now that there's a conference in Vegas, the husband wants to leave the daughter with strangers?  Sorry, not in my book. 

As parents, we always make sacrifices. Sometimes one sacrifices more than the other and vice versa.  The OP has already planned out this once in a lifetime trip, she should be able to enjoy it without feeling guilty about it.

Honestly, IMO this is more about her husband being jealous and trying to put a bit of guilt on the OP than anything else.

TootsNYC

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Re: This is NOT my problem!
« Reply #39 on: October 23, 2012, 05:26:34 PM »
It doesn't sound like her husband has ever asked her to cancel her vacation in favor of this conference.

He may be badgering her about babysitting so that HE can go away too.

And he may also be complaining about the idea that she's taking ANY trip without him (rude!).

But let's not accuse him of things he hasn't done.
From the OP:
Quote
So, he can't go.

TootsNYC

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Re: This is NOT my problem!
« Reply #40 on: October 23, 2012, 05:27:34 PM »
Honestly, IMO this is more about her husband being jealous and trying to put a bit of guilt on the OP than anything else.

I kind of agree with this. The reason he's interrupting you when you're on the phone is because right now he's resenting ANYthing that's taking your attention away from him, the family's difficulties, etc.

Time for a really open conversation.

YummyMummy66

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Re: This is NOT my problem!
« Reply #41 on: October 23, 2012, 05:28:55 PM »
I was in Vegas in 2009.  I believe it is at the Palms, there is childcare available.   It is a huge area that alot of the other hotels advertise.  Also, it is not 24/7.  There are stated hours for this childcare center.

But, I can tell you, that a 13 year old does not want to be in childcare.  She will be bored out of her mind.

I don't know how long you have had your trip planned, (and I have to wonder, if mom and dad can take you along, why not your dh and daughter, or at least your daughter?  What an experience this would have been for her.  Sounds like you wanted to go someplace kid free, just like your dh does in Vegas). 

But, this is a planned trip, one that I am assuming has been planned for some time.

Your dh needs to buckle up and get over it.  He is not going to Vegas.  He is staying home and taking care of his child. End f story.  My dh would not even question this.  You need to tell once and done, that you cannot find other arrangements and that is it.  Stop moaning about it and get over it. 

MrsO

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Re: This is NOT my problem!
« Reply #42 on: October 23, 2012, 05:48:37 PM »


I don't know how long you have had your trip planned, (and I have to wonder, if mom and dad can take you along, why not your dh and daughter, or at least your daughter?  What an experience this would have been for her.  Sounds like you wanted to go someplace kid free, just like your dh does in Vegas). 



So what if she does want to take a child free trip?! Her husband goes away to conferences every month.

OP, don't allow yourself to be guilt tripped by this thread. Your husband needs to grow up and deal with it. Hop on the plane, enjoy your trip and don't give it a second thought. :)

Moray

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Re: This is NOT my problem!
« Reply #43 on: October 23, 2012, 05:53:01 PM »


I don't know how long you have had your trip planned, (and I have to wonder, if mom and dad can take you along, why not your dh and daughter, or at least your daughter?  What an experience this would have been for her.  Sounds like you wanted to go someplace kid free, just like your dh does in Vegas). 



So what if she does want to take a child free trip?! Her husband goes away to conferences every month.

OP, don't allow yourself to be guilt tripped by this thread. Your husband needs to grow up and deal with it. Hop on the plane, enjoy your trip and don't give it a second thought. :)

Agreed. You have an established, pre-paid trip planned. If something else works out, childcare wise, that's great, but otherwise you should default to Plan A: DH watches your daughter.
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Re: This is NOT my problem!
« Reply #44 on: October 23, 2012, 06:00:17 PM »
I don't know how long you have had your trip planned, (and I have to wonder, if mom and dad can take you along, why not your dh and daughter, or at least your daughter? 

Just a wild guess ... adding two people to a three-person trip would up costs by 60% or so.
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