Author Topic: This is NOT my problem! Resolution, p 5  (Read 17494 times)

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Moray

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Re: This is NOT my problem!
« Reply #45 on: October 23, 2012, 06:06:58 PM »
I don't know how long you have had your trip planned, (and I have to wonder, if mom and dad can take you along, why not your dh and daughter, or at least your daughter? 

Just a wild guess ... adding two people to a three-person trip would up costs by 60% or so.

Not to mention that they might want to go on a trip with their daughter as a special bonding thing and the dynamic would be totally different if her husband and daughter are there. A trip with a friend is much different than a trip with a friend and her family, KWIM?
Utah

QueenofAllThings

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Re: This is NOT my problem!
« Reply #46 on: October 23, 2012, 06:31:41 PM »
I would imagine the reason that DH is pestering you is that a) this is your 'job' ( arranging child care ) and b) you're leaving him for the vacation of a lifetime. He may not begrudge it and be fine with it, but a small part of him MAY also be thinking 'you're leaving me and I can't cope!'. The King is very much like this - I can do whatever I want as long as it doesn't impact or inconvenience him - and my 'punishment' will be to listen to constant whining about whatever (I have to make dinner! I have to do laundry!)

I don't think you can give up - you are going on a vacation that's important to you, and he should be able to go on a conference that's important to him. And this will come up again, I'll bet. There are only two options remaining - have DD stay with a friend ( that's what we do) or have DH cancel his conference. Neither may be optimal, but sometimes choices aren't.

lkdrymom

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Re: This is NOT my problem!
« Reply #47 on: October 23, 2012, 06:44:14 PM »
Why is it automatically assumed that it is the mother's job to deal with this?  The plan was set in place and everyone agreed. Then the Dh throws a curve into it and expects the OP to make it all better.  HE changed the plans so he needs to adapt...either by finding child care or honoring the original agreement. Why are his WANTS so much more important that his wife's? Even if this was important to his job...he is the one who needs to figure out a solution.

When I was married to my kids' father he assumed I would be 100% responcible for anything kid related if it was an inconvience to him.(He would change diapers and feed a baby as long as it was convenient) It never even occured to me that we needed to discuss such things prior to having kids. Sick kids were my responcibility and mine alone. How could even think he could take off of work for such a thing! (Never mind I was the one who made the money in the household and my job was alot higher up the ladder than his). Well let me tell you about the total shock he had when we got divorced and on a day the kids were in his custody my DD got sick and wanted to go home from daycare. He couldn't believe they hads the nerve to call him and tell him he needed to come and get her. Didn't they realize he was at work???

I think your husband needs a reality check. Sometimes you have to give up cool stuff because you have other responcibilities. This time it is his turn.

BatCity

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Re: This is NOT my problem!
« Reply #48 on: October 23, 2012, 06:45:35 PM »
<Snip>

I don't know how long you have had your trip planned, (and I have to wonder, if mom and dad can take you along, why not your dh and daughter, or at least your daughter?  What an experience this would have been for her.  Sounds like you wanted to go someplace kid free, just like your dh does in Vegas). 

But, this is a planned trip, one that I am assuming has been planned for some time.

OP here.  Thought I'd weigh in again on this and a few things.

A later poster was right about this one. It wasn't my idea to only be the three of us.  They invited me only; I could either accept or decline.  We started planning two years ago (as a side note, they're doing this with all of my siblings; I'm the last of us to get my trip, so I've been told they were going to do this for about five years.  I was the one who asked to be the last, so DD would be a little older).

As for staying with a friend, the biggest reason is that we haven't lived in this city very long and while DD has some friends, none are close enough that we could ask their parents to host her.  The other issue is that she is slightly special needs; not bad enough to warrant special attention but enough that she would be a disruption to an otherwise normal household, especially during a normal school/work week. 

One more thing; DH is pretty jealous that I'm taking this trip, but he wouldn't ask me to cancel it.  His issue is just that he wants me to find child care, nothing else.


Deetee

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Re: This is NOT my problem!
« Reply #49 on: October 23, 2012, 07:15:43 PM »

I don't think you can give up - you are going on a vacation that's important to you, and he should be able to go on a conference that's important to him. And this will come up again, I'll bet. There are only two options remaining - have DD stay with a friend ( that's what we do) or have DH cancel his conference. Neither may be optimal, but sometimes choices aren't.

I want to point out that these are not equal. The trip was fully planned with dates before the conference even came up. Also, this is a once a lifetime trip versus one of many conferences that the husband can attend.

I agree with you that there are some choices that need to made, but the OP seems aware of it. The husband seems to not get it.

CharlieBraun

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Re: This is NOT my problem!
« Reply #50 on: October 23, 2012, 07:18:02 PM »
I don't know how long you have had your trip planned, (and I have to wonder, if mom and dad can take you along, why not your dh and daughter, or at least your daughter?  What an experience this would have been for her.  Sounds like you wanted to go someplace kid free, just like your dh does in Vegas. 

The OP has stated that this is a once-in-a-lifetime trip that it was clearly understood would be paid for by her parents and that the invitation was for OP only.  OP can't just decide to invite her husband and her daughter along on her parents' dime, any more than a guest at a wedding can reasonably bring extra guests on their own whim.

Last I checked, South Africa was not child-free, so that was a bit unnecessarily guilt-trip-y.  Actually, the whole quote above is guit-trip-y.

OP - you have made your plans and they are appropriate.  Your husband needs to make his plans for his time with his daughter.

My only suggestion is that you send an email to the Las Vegas Visitor's and Convention Bureau and ask them for their suggestions - then forward their response to your husband for his action on the matter.
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Daffydilly

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Re: This is NOT my problem!
« Reply #51 on: October 23, 2012, 07:25:46 PM »
It sounds like your Dh is jealous and making issues so you have to take care of things. He needs to step up and make arrangements by himself. He's got your attention with his negative behavior and is making you pay a price for your trip. Instead of being excited and focusing on your trip, now you're balancing helping your husband with the child care issue.

JenJay

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Re: This is NOT my problem!
« Reply #52 on: October 23, 2012, 09:03:16 PM »
Honestly? I'd tell my husband "Your conference is last minute and optional. I'm sorry that it won't work out for you to go but there is nobody to stay with DD for a week and hiring a stranger would make her very uncomfortable." If he continued to make a big deal about it I'd be very angry because it really looks like he wants you to offer to cancel your once in a lifetime trip so he can go to Vegas. He needs to pull up his big boy pants and prioritize his wife and child over his desire to go have fun.

Otterpop

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Re: This is NOT my problem!
« Reply #53 on: October 23, 2012, 09:13:02 PM »
OP I feel for you.  Your parents have already put out $$$, time and plans for this trip and your husband is being a big baby.  His wanting to go to this conference came AFTER you had already agreed to go, therefore it is HIS responsibility to make sure your daughter is cared for during this time.  You need to let him know that putting pressure on you now is totally uncalled for.  If you can make arrangements for her fine, but it should not be your burden.  He had plenty of notice and should not be ruining your trip over an optional conference.  Period.

O'Dell

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Re: This is NOT my problem!
« Reply #54 on: October 23, 2012, 09:25:01 PM »
<Snip>

I don't know how long you have had your trip planned, (and I have to wonder, if mom and dad can take you along, why not your dh and daughter, or at least your daughter?  What an experience this would have been for her.  Sounds like you wanted to go someplace kid free, just like your dh does in Vegas). 

But, this is a planned trip, one that I am assuming has been planned for some time.

OP here.  Thought I'd weigh in again on this and a few things.

A later poster was right about this one. It wasn't my idea to only be the three of us.  They invited me only; I could either accept or decline.  We started planning two years ago (as a side note, they're doing this with all of my siblings; I'm the last of us to get my trip, so I've been told they were going to do this for about five years.  I was the one who asked to be the last, so DD would be a little older).

As for staying with a friend, the biggest reason is that we haven't lived in this city very long and while DD has some friends, none are close enough that we could ask their parents to host her.  The other issue is that she is slightly special needs; not bad enough to warrant special attention but enough that she would be a disruption to an otherwise normal household, especially during a normal school/work week. 

One more thing; DH is pretty jealous that I'm taking this trip, but he wouldn't ask me to cancel it.  His issue is just that he wants me to find child care, nothing else.

But the behavior you describe in your first post seems extreme for an optional *business* conference. And that it comes from jealousy makes it even more childish IMO. That jealousy is your husband's problem and that is what he's trying to make your problem.

I stand by my previous advice...make him own it by putting into words why this is so important to him and why he's making such a fuss bugging you about childcare. Maybe if he has to face the fact that he's jealous, he'll realize the grown-up thing to do is to stop badgering you and help you out a little by staying home with *his* kid and take care of the home front.
Do I contradict myself? Very well, then I contradict myself, I am large, I contain multitudes.
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O'Dell

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Re: This is NOT my problem!
« Reply #55 on: October 23, 2012, 09:33:10 PM »
I just want to add that I don't mean my tactic as a punishment to your husband or a way to get him to admit to you that he's bad or wrong or whatever. I think it would actually be good for him and might help him grow a little to realize what he was doing and how he can be a little more supportive as a partner and parent. Asking him is to help lead him to see what is going on. Or maybe he'll surprise you and it's all about something else entirely. :P
Do I contradict myself? Very well, then I contradict myself, I am large, I contain multitudes.
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onikenbai

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Re: This is NOT my problem!
« Reply #56 on: October 23, 2012, 10:11:39 PM »
Ok so the college age kids are off at school but how far away and are they in residence?  If any has their own off-campus apartment and it's not a 20 hour drive to school, it wouldn't hurt to at least ask them if they would mind taking DD in for the week.  When I was in undergrad, I probably wouldn't have been completely thrilled to host a sibling for a week, but I would have sucked it up and done it because I could.  13 should be old enough to sit through lectures responsibly enough, especially if they were anything like mine with 1200 people in them... the prof would never notice.  Chem lab is a little tougher for tag alongs so I guess major would be a significant factor!

Again, depending on distance, if you have multiple kids in college you could ask them to timeshare babysitting by skipping some school.  If one kid has a light first half of the week then that kid can stay home with DD until Wednesday, when the other kid takes over.  I never bombed a class by missing a single lecture for a class.  There are some courses that absolutely depend on being at every single lecture but, I'm three degrees in now, and I find them to be the exception rather than the rule.

It never hurts to ask.  At the very least, you'll find out it's not an option and your DH is truly out of luck on the conference.

LifeOnPluto

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Re: This is NOT my problem!
« Reply #57 on: October 23, 2012, 10:25:10 PM »
It sounds like you've done your best to find child care for your DD. If your DH is still pressing for child care, the onus is now on HIM to think of some other alternatives, call people, etc.

I'm thinking perhaps he suffers from a bit of social anxiety? (If he always leaves you to organise the family's social calendar). If that's the case, I sympathise with him, but he's not doing himself any favours by hanging back and badgering you to make all the effort on his behalf.

cheyne

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Re: This is NOT my problem!
« Reply #58 on: October 23, 2012, 10:32:40 PM »
This post is my opinion only.  I am angry on your behalf and don't really think this is an etiquette issue.

Your DH is pulling a [expletive deleted by mod] on you.  He's jealous of your trip that has been planned for two years.  He is making you stressed and crazy right before you are to leave because he wants to show you that he can do fun things too and he doesn't have to sit around while you are gone.  He could have told his boss "no" from the start (and explained about your trip and that he needed to care for his daughter) and not said anything to you at all.  I know if I were in your shoes, I wouldn't be able to relax and enjoy the trip with all of this crap going on.

Has your DH even considered how this is affecting your DD?  Your trip has been planned for a long time, and your DD has been aware that Mom was leaving for ages.  Now Dad is trying to foist her off on someone at the last minute so he can leave too?  I have to wonder how DD is taking this disruption.  Have either of you talked to your DD?  How is she feeling about this?  Where would she like to stay?  At 13 she should have some say in this, yes?
« Last Edit: October 24, 2012, 02:54:32 AM by cass2591 »

LeveeWoman

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Re: This is NOT my problem!
« Reply #59 on: October 23, 2012, 10:41:50 PM »
Ok so the college age kids are off at school but how far away and are they in residence?  If any has their own off-campus apartment and it's not a 20 hour drive to school, it wouldn't hurt to at least ask them if they would mind taking DD in for the week.  When I was in undergrad, I probably wouldn't have been completely thrilled to host a sibling for a week, but I would have sucked it up and done it because I could.  13 should be old enough to sit through lectures responsibly enough, especially if they were anything like mine with 1200 people in them... the prof would never notice.  Chem lab is a little tougher for tag alongs so I guess major would be a significant factor!

Again, depending on distance, if you have multiple kids in college you could ask them to timeshare babysitting by skipping some school.  If one kid has a light first half of the week then that kid can stay home with DD until Wednesday, when the other kid takes over.  I never bombed a class by missing a single lecture for a class.  There are some courses that absolutely depend on being at every single lecture but, I'm three degrees in now, and I find them to be the exception rather than the rule.

It never hurts to ask.  At the very least, you'll find out it's not an option and your DH is truly out of luck on the conference.

The one who should "suck it up" is the parent of this girl, the one whose life will not be inconvenienced by doing his parental duty.