This is NOT my problem! Resolution, p 5

[SPuck]

I've think everything you have done is within reason. You've had this trip planned for two years, and you already  have exhausted all avenues for childcare. At this point it isn't your job to bend over backwards to get your daughter childcare if your husband needs it for a conference that he "wants" to go to.

I mean seriously, why at this point is it your job to stress over this. He is her father, and should be able to handle this himself.

[johelenc1]

Doesn't this child have school?  She can't go to Vegas or to college!  She has her own school to attend.  And even if she didn't, the OP has stated that she has some special needs that would make it difficult for her to stay at a friend's house, especially of parents she barely knows. 

Most of the suggestions make no sense to me.  I can't imagine leaving my child with a stranger for a WEEK - and I'm pretty lax about babysitting.  Take her to Vegas...I seriously doubt that's the "fun" dad had in mind.  Father AND Child would be miserable.  And, no college kid is going to drag a 13 year old to class for a week.

Dad just needs to stay home.  It's better for his daughter, and the only real solution.

[LeveeWoman]

Doesn't this child have school?  She can't go to Vegas or to college!  She has her own school to attend.  And even if she didn't, the OP has stated that she has some special needs that would make it difficult for her to stay at a friend's house, especially of parents she barely knows. 

Most of the suggestions make no sense to me.  I can't imagine leaving my child with a stranger for a WEEK - and I'm pretty lax about babysitting.  Take her to Vegas...I seriously doubt that's the "fun" dad had in mind.  Father AND Child would be miserable.  And, no college kid is going to drag a 13 year old to class for a week.

Dad just needs to stay home.  It's better for his daughter, and the only real solution.

AMEN!

[mbbored]

Doesn't this child have school?  She can't go to Vegas or to college!  She has her own school to attend.  And even if she didn't, the OP has stated that she has some special needs that would make it difficult for her to stay at a friend's house, especially of parents she barely knows. 

Most of the suggestions make no sense to me.  I can't imagine leaving my child with a stranger for a WEEK - and I'm pretty lax about babysitting.  Take her to Vegas...I seriously doubt that's the "fun" dad had in mind.  Father AND Child would be miserable.  And, no college kid is going to drag a 13 year old to class for a week.

Dad just needs to stay home.  It's better for his daughter, and the only real solution.

AMEN!

POD.

[Danika]

To speak to your original point, BatCity/OP, you are right. It is your DH's responsibility to handle this.

Every time he interrupts you and asks "Have you found..." you reply "Not my responsibility." And go back to what you were doing. Each and every time, just use the same level tone and same words "Not my responsibility." And don't give him other ideas or anything else.

It sounds like you've already tried to be very helpful. Now stop. And don't feel guilty.

[CharlieBraun]

After considerable reflection, EvilCharlie paid a visit.

"DH, the care of our daughter while she is with you during my pre-planned trip is your responsibility, and not mine.  Consider it practice for the single parenting you will be doing in the future if you continue down this path."

[MorgnsGrl]

Doesn't this child have school?  She can't go to Vegas or to college!  She has her own school to attend.  And even if she didn't, the OP has stated that she has some special needs that would make it difficult for her to stay at a friend's house, especially of parents she barely knows. 

Most of the suggestions make no sense to me.  I can't imagine leaving my child with a stranger for a WEEK - and I'm pretty lax about babysitting.  Take her to Vegas...I seriously doubt that's the "fun" dad had in mind.  Father AND Child would be miserable.  And, no college kid is going to drag a 13 year old to class for a week.

Dad just needs to stay home.  It's better for his daughter, and the only real solution.

AGREED. In my opinion, the OP fulfilled her responsibility of making sure her child was cared for while she went on this holiday -- she made sure her DH would be there to parent their DD. Now, if DH wants to go away at the same time, it's HIS job to make other suitable arrangements. This is one business trip out of a dozen per year; he can miss it, OR he can step up and figure out an alternative.

[Morticia]

Your DH definitely needs to stop trying to bail on his responsibility here.  Stay strong. 

May we please have a trip report when you get back?

[Miss March]

DH really should tell his boss that he is unable to attend this conference due to childcare issues ASAP so that his boss still has time to make arrangements with another employee to go (if the business requires a presence at this conference). It's not fair to keep boss hanging on this, and it's not fair to keep pressing you to magically find someone you and your daughter will feel comfortable staying with at this point.

ETA: Have an AMAZING trip! Enjoy every second of it!

[Tabby Uprising]

Doesn't this child have school?  She can't go to Vegas or to college!  She has her own school to attend.  And even if she didn't, the OP has stated that she has some special needs that would make it difficult for her to stay at a friend's house, especially of parents she barely knows. 

Most of the suggestions make no sense to me.  I can't imagine leaving my child with a stranger for a WEEK - and I'm pretty lax about babysitting.  Take her to Vegas...I seriously doubt that's the "fun" dad had in mind.  Father AND Child would be miserable.  And, no college kid is going to drag a 13 year old to class for a week.

Dad just needs to stay home.  It's better for his daughter, and the only real solution.

Exactly! This is what it all boils down to for me. 

AGREED. In my opinion, the OP fulfilled her responsibility of making sure her child was cared for while she went on this holiday -- she made sure her DH would be there to parent their DD. Now, if DH wants to go away at the same time, it's HIS job to make other suitable arrangements. This is one business trip out of a dozen per year; he can miss it, OR he can step up and figure out an alternative.

[Winterlight]

It sounds like you need to have a sitdown where you lay it out for him.

He is her parent too- he's not babysitting, he's being a father. He needs to sack up and tell his boss he can't go.

[Bethalize]

I hate it when people try to pull "But it's woooooork!" on me. You might as well say "But it's faaaaamily!" Neither excuse flies.

[Snooks]

BatCity your husband is being unfair on you.  This situation should have ended the moment he found out the dates when he should have told his boss "I'm sorry I can't be away from home that week".  This has hit a hot button topic for me, which is responsibility and consequences, your husband took on a responsibility when he had children and the consequence of that is he doesn't get to do all the things he wants to do.  I hope he pulls himself together before you leave for your trip and I hope he and your daughter have a nice week together.

[VorFemme]

I hate it when people try to pull "But it's woooooork!" on me. You might as well say "But it's faaaaamily!" Neither excuse flies.

Both excuses fly - just not very far....maybe "glides" would be a better description.

Lil Sis went to Machu Picchu with her ex-not-so-dear first husband (known as Phil Anderer here on Etiquette Hell) some years ago - this is NOT a trip to take with a special needs child (one option is to CLIMB the mountain to get to the "city").  We don't know the child's needs - but the air is thin in the mountains, the food would be the "local" diet prepared by the guides, and they would be a long way from medical care if anything went wrong with her DD.  Vegas would have better medical care and the food would probably be more in line with what the girl is used to - but there's no telling if she can be pulled out of class for a week to go with her father (and being left in a hotel room doesn't sound like "fun" for most any teenager - special needs or not). 

So - Dad can step up to the plate and take his turn at bat while Mom gets the kind of once-in-a-lifetime trip that her siblings have already had with her parents - then he can go to the NEXT Vegas convention.....and if he wants to party - he might want to remember that not everything that happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.  If your credit card gets stolen - the charges can come in from all over the world - as an example.

[BatCity]

Hi, all, OP here.  Thought you might like a resolution.  I appreciate the reality check here.  I really was feeling a little gaslighted yesterday.

One thing that was kind of a non-issue is that yesterday was my birthday.  After several hours of being badgered in between conference calls, I finally told DH what you all suggested: that he wasn't being fair, that if he wanted me to not go on this trip he had two years to say so, and that, frankly, he had made it a completely miserable day, thank you very much. 

And yes, he did apologize profusely.  He also told me that he had already contacted his boss and let him know that he wouldn't be able to go to the conference.  I fumed for a little while, but the three of us did go out for a nice birthday dinner and it ended up being very pleasant.

This is pretty typical DH behavior.  He really does want me to be happy, but he loses focus and starts acting like a child from time to time.  I fret about it, but I also forget that it's pretty easy to shut it down; the hard part is knowing when it's happening.