Questions about children's health

[White Lotus]

Jean from BNA got it:
"I BEG your pardon?" With icy glare. If Clueless or Downright Intrusive continues, "I can't believe you just asked me that!" With Death Star Glare.  Impossible Relative (and usually only people who think they have some "right to know", which of course they don't, go this far) "How DARE you!"  Fire Death Star.  Followed by "Get out of my sight/house/office" or by my getting immediately out of theirs.

[rashea]

I think I'd be tempted to play dumb and ask why I wouldn't have chosen to have them. Alternately, I would turn it around on them and realize that they've just displayed a very interesting bias against people with disabilities if they think it's wrong to choose to take a risk in having children that may have a genetic disease. (I say that as someone who based part of my decision not to have children on the basis that my condition is probably partly genetic and I don't want to pass it on)

I wish you luck, and hope you can find a few support groups as well. It certainly couldn't hurt for you, and your kids, to get to know other people wrestling with these issues.

[mj]

Due to a condition of mine, I've been asked several intrusive and personal questions.  The quickest way I've found to shut them down is to laugh and say "I really can't believe you just asked me that, wow."  Shake my head and move on.

[Giggity]

"Why would you ask a question like that?"

[Lorelei_Evil]

Look them straight in the face while saying: "I can't believe you think that is ANY of your business."  Then walk away.  Calmly and directly, shut them straight down.

Of course the Silent Glare of Imminent Demise is a good one to employ too.

[Giggity]

Of course the Silent Glare of Imminent Demise is a good one to employ too.

I vote for saying something, as opposed to looking at them in a way that you hope conveys your message and they get it. There's almost no way to misunderstand the statement "That's not your business." There are a ton of ways to interpret facial expression.

[mmswm]

Look them straight in the face while saying: "I can't believe you think that is ANY of your business."  Then walk away.  Calmly and directly, shut them straight down.

Of course the Silent Glare of Imminent Demise is a good one to employ too.

I said something like this today to the scheduler at my doctor's office.  She asked the question when I said I might have to call and reschedule an appointment I was making because I'm waiting to hear from the children's hospital for a day and time for surgery on my youngest son's wrist.  Thank you to everybody for validating my desires to be less than "smiley" in these situations.  It really made me far more comfortable in dealing with it.

[nolechica]

Depending on how old the kids are, if they are with you, try letting them answer. That'll help you gauge how sever to be be with responses. My mother was always more offended by nosiness regarding me that I ever am.

[Sharnita]

Depending on how old the kids are, if they are with you, try letting them answer. That'll help you gauge how sever to be be with responses. My mother was always more offended by nosiness regarding me that I ever am.

In this case the questions seem to be about why the parents had the kids who might have health problems.  I would not want the kids fielding those inquiries.

[nolechica]

Depending on how old the kids are, if they are with you, try letting them answer. That'll help you gauge how sever to be be with responses. My mother was always more offended by nosiness regarding me that I ever am.

In this case the questions seem to be about why the parents had the kids who might have health problems.  I would not want the kids fielding those inquiries.

No, but strangers will ask more vague, what's wrong kind of questions, as will classmates, etc later.

[mmswm]

Depending on how old the kids are, if they are with you, try letting them answer. That'll help you gauge how sever to be be with responses. My mother was always more offended by nosiness regarding me that I ever am.

In this case the questions seem to be about why the parents had the kids who might have health problems.  I would not want the kids fielding those inquiries.

No, but strangers will ask more vague, what's wrong kind of questions, as will classmates, etc later.

You guys bring up some very good points about the boys being able to explain their condition.  So far, they've done a pretty decent job and their classmates have been supportive for the most part.  When they were very little, I would work with the teacher to help inform their classmates about what was going on, why they had bumps all over the place, why they had to go to the nurse fairly often, why they missed a lot of school and such.  That really helped them in being comfortable in their own skin, or, shall we say, with their own skeleton. I'm not sure how I feel about asking them to explain anything to strangers though.  I'll have to think about that.  Maybe the oldest is at that point, but I'm not sure.

[NyaChan]

Look them straight in the face while saying: "I can't believe you think that is ANY of your business."  Then walk away.  Calmly and directly, shut them straight down.

Of course the Silent Glare of Imminent Demise is a good one to employ too.

I said something like this today to the scheduler at my doctor's office.  She asked the question when I said I might have to call and reschedule an appointment I was making because I'm waiting to hear from the children's hospital for a day and time for surgery on my youngest son's wrist.  Thank you to everybody for validating my desires to be less than "smiley" in these situations.  It really made me far more comfortable in dealing with it.

Wait, a doctor's employee asked you this???

[mmswm]

Look them straight in the face while saying: "I can't believe you think that is ANY of your business."  Then walk away.  Calmly and directly, shut them straight down.

Of course the Silent Glare of Imminent Demise is a good one to employ too.

I said something like this today to the scheduler at my doctor's office.  She asked the question when I said I might have to call and reschedule an appointment I was making because I'm waiting to hear from the children's hospital for a day and time for surgery on my youngest son's wrist.  Thank you to everybody for validating my desires to be less than "smiley" in these situations.  It really made me far more comfortable in dealing with it.

Wait, a doctor's employee asked you this???

Yes, and I love my doctor, so even though this office staff member did this, I'll stay with him, but I will mention it to him the next time I see him.  The conversations went something like this:

Staff Member: Is [date and time] okay?
Me: I think so, but I'm waiting on surgery scheduling from Seattle Children's to call me with a surgery date for my son. If I have to reschedule, I'll call back.
Staff Member: Oh, you're the one with all the sick kids, right?
Me (completely floored): Well, I do have to kids with a bone condition.
Staff Member: It's genetic right?  I always wondered why people would choose to have kids when they could be born so sick.
Me (Icy stare): Well, that's a rather personal decision, isn't it?

So, I did my best with the icy stare.  I don't know if it was good enough, but the rest of the conversation was that uncomfortable "polite" feeling you get when one person knows they've crossed a line, but you still have to finish whatever it was you were doing.

[gramma dishes]

I'd go with icy stare if the person is just being nosy or passing judgment.  The "look" can be accompanied by any of the previous posters' suggestions, and your own "Do I know you?" ranks in the top five of those.

But for those who are just kind of trying to figure out what they might have done in your situation, I wouldn't be quite as cold.  I think I'd just smile and say "To be honest, I can't even begin to imagine my life without them.  I can assure you that there is not now and never will be any child on this earth that is loved more than these three.  Bean dip?"

[nolechica]

Depending on how old the kids are, if they are with you, try letting them answer. That'll help you gauge how sever to be be with responses. My mother was always more offended by nosiness regarding me that I ever am.

In this case the questions seem to be about why the parents had the kids who might have health problems.  I would not want the kids fielding those inquiries.

No, but strangers will ask more vague, what's wrong kind of questions, as will classmates, etc later.

You guys bring up some very good points about the boys being able to explain their condition.  So far, they've done a pretty decent job and their classmates have been supportive for the most part.  When they were very little, I would work with the teacher to help inform their classmates about what was going on, why they had bumps all over the place, why they had to go to the nurse fairly often, why they missed a lot of school and such.  That really helped them in being comfortable in their own skin, or, shall we say, with their own skeleton. I'm not sure how I feel about asking them to explain anything to strangers though.  I'll have to think about that.  Maybe the oldest is at that point, but I'm not sure.

I'm not saying you should but if they look embarrassed by your explanation, or move to answer themselves, could be time to talk. Not all kids hit that stage at the same point, for me it was early.