My coworker thinks "polite" means "friendly".

[Rhindle]

Just recently, my coworker requested a meeting between her, me, our boss, and our boss's boss.

The relevant background: we were on friendly terms when I was hired to help with her workload. Over time, and as I was given enough additional duties in a different area to change me to full time, her attitude changed. She began to blow hot and cold, became very critical of how I did our common duties, and regularly snubbed me when I entered our shared office.

Eventually, I moved to a different office in the building but we still had our common duties. She and I have to work as a team. I treated her more coolly but still cordially. If she didn't want to build a friendship, I would accept that.

Then we had a computer crash and lost two days' worth of files. She and I began to reconstitute those files. Unfortunately, I remembered a file I needed to redo, and that file overwrote one of hers. Oops.

She burst into my office and screamed at me to just stop. I tried to tell her it was only one file and I wasn't doing any more. She kept telling me in a painfully loud voice to just stop. So I raised my own voice and said "Don't yell at me!" Our boss overheard this and intervened. This was Friday. I came in on Monday to find an email from Coworker apologizing for her yelling at me. This was CC'd to Boss and BigBoss. I emailed her back to thank her for the apology.

But I have not forgiven Coworker. Her prior nasty behavior and this outburst just made me realize I never want to try again to be friends. I'm civil and professional but not friendly towards her.

Well, she called  for  this meeting because she wanted to know why the change, why my attitude was so bad, and so forth. Before this meeting, I had spoken to both Boss and BigBoss at different times. Coworker is known to be temperamental and officious in general. Anyway, we aired our perspectives in the meeting. Coworker wants me to be more polite. She says she has asked me for things nicely so why can't I be nice. I pointed out that she had damaged our relationship with her vicious outburst.

OK, so here's my etiquette question out of all of this:

If she says "Good morning" cheerily with a big grin, am I sufficiently polite to say "Good morning" in a flat tone with no expression? If she comes to my office door with a big grin and a sweet expression, am I being rude to politely say "Come in, have a seat, what can I do for you?" without smiling. And, if I need to go to her office, what do you suggest? Sometimes I need to ask her something, sometimes I need to speak to the other coworker now in my former desk.

Also, she'll ask me "Hi, how are you doing?" I just quickly say, "Fine, thank you." Then go on my way. I don't want to engage in chitchat with her.

So how is all that on the politeness scale, EHellions? I thought it was all acceptable but would welcome your feedback. I do try keeping my expression neutral but I guess my dislike is showing through.

[sourwolf]

In my opinion you'd be in the clear.  She sounds like quite a piece of work and I don't envy you for having to deal with her.

[Surianne]

Does it really hurt you in any way to smile?  I have coworkers I dislike, but I still give them a polite smile rather than keep my expression neutral, which yes, does make it obvious you dislike her -- especially if you're deliberately using a flat tone to say good morning, and you smile to everyone else.

It would probably help the office atmosphere if you could treat her the same as you would another coworker, as it relates to the friendliness/smiling scale.  As a boss, I'd probably respect you more if you smiled rather than held a grudge. 

I don't think you need to carry on long, chatty conversations with her, though.  Just don't make it obvious (with the flat voice and lack of expression) that you dislike her.  I don't think that would be appropriate at work.  Sometimes we just have to work with people we don't like, and deal with it.

[Mental Magpie]

Does it really hurt you in any way to smile?  I have coworkers I dislike, but I still give them a polite smile rather than keep my expression neutral, which yes, does make it obvious you dislike her -- especially if you're deliberately using a flat tone to say good morning, and you smile to everyone else.

It would probably help the office atmosphere if you could treat her the same as you would another coworker, as it relates to the friendliness/smiling scale.  As a boss, I'd probably respect you more if you smiled rather than held a grudge. 

I don't think you need to carry on long, chatty conversations with her, though.  Just don't make it obvious (with the flat voice and lack of expression) that you dislike her.  I don't think that would be appropriate at work.  Sometimes we just have to work with people we don't like, and deal with it.

I fully agree.  I don't know if I could have put it better.

[Amara]

I would probably try to keep all my communications with her on a "nice" level. That is, keep it the same way you'd keep it if she was your boss. Don't use flat tones with her, but rather neutral ones that sound nice. But keep all communication on a professional level. If she asks how you are, there's nothing wrong with "Fine, thanks." And nothing else. It may be short but it works.

What I think is important to remember is that now Boss and Big Boss are aware of this. If you can see past her to them, think about what is important to you now and down the road that they know. If it is that you are able to handle things in a very professional, polite manner then it is you who will come out of this the winner. Whether or not she "benefits" from your niceness (and even if she thinks she won because you are nice), the fact is that you will emerge the winner in your boss's eyes. Keep your eye on that goal. It will make any petty moves by her much easier to bear.

[kareng57]

Agree with some PPs.  A half-smile with a nod should be fine to indicate acknowledgement.

[Slartibartfast]

You don't have to be all cheerful and smiles and gratitude, but you do have to treat her no worse than you'd treat the cashier at the grocery store or the person sitting next to you on the subway.  Saying "good morning" with no inflection and anything less than a polite smile can come across as horribly passive-aggressive.

Not saying you need to be all smiles all the time, but you can use your social smile (the kind where your lips turn up but the expression doesn't reach your eyes) and a politely neutral tone of voice - which is not the same as having no inflection.

[Mental Magpie]

You don't have to be all cheerful and smiles and gratitude, but you do have to treat her no worse than you'd treat the cashier at the grocery store or the person sitting next to you on the subway.  Saying "good morning" with no inflection and anything less than a polite smile can come across as horribly passive-aggressive.

Not saying you need to be all smiles all the time, but you can use your social smile (the kind where your lips turn up but the expression doesn't reach your eyes) and a politely neutral tone of voice - which is not the same as having no inflection.

Pod to this, too.  You do not have to be friendly to be polite.  Being polite means treating her like any other random stranger; being friendly means going beyond that (which isn't necessary).

[Rhindle]

I don't smile at random strangers but I do give them a brief nod. If they speak to me, I'll respond but I don't engage for long. I wasn't aware that I was rude to strangers because I don't smile at them.

Edited to add that I have read the other posts and will think about cultivating a more suitable expression and tone. To be honest, I'm not a smiley person and think a forced grin will look even worse, more like an aggressive grimace. To the mirror to practice then.

[RebeccainGA]

Don't feel obligated to change yourself totally if you aren't the sort that smiles at everyone normally. If one of my coworkers, R, was to not smile at me when she said good morning, I'd assume I'd done something horrible or that she'd had something horrible happen - because she.always.smiles. at everyone. However, if E or M ever DID smile at me, I'd wonder what was wrong with them - they never smile.

Just treat her like you would the mailman, or the cashier at the store - polite, low key, not effusive but not hostile.

[camlan]

I agree with you on being civil and polite. However, unless you greet everyone without a smile, it will be obvious that you have issues with this person.

I don't blame you for having issues with her. But your boss is going to notice this, if your co-worker doesn't bring it to his attention. And then it will seem as if you are holding a grudge.

This type of situation is very difficult for supervisors to deal with. I know, I've been the supervisor. It's hard to tell someone, "Look, you have to be nicer to Jane." It's hard to define what "being nicer" means and how to act that way. If your co-worker keeps complaining about this, you are going to look like the one who is in the wrong, at least a little bit, to your boss, because you won't seem to be trying to create a peaceful office atmosphere.

It's also difficult to tell a complaining co-worker, "Look, the two of you aren't friends. You don't have to be friends to work with someone. You just have to be polite and get your work done," because everyone has different definitions of "polite," as you are discovering.

You certainly don't have to be friends with this woman. What I'd do in your shoes is go to your immediate supervisor and tell them what you plan to do. You are going to bury the hachet  and more forward on a new relationship with Co-worker. You will be polite and professional and cordial, and do your best to prevent any further incidents. I think the suggestion of treating her with the same amount of courtesy that you would treat a salesclerk in a store is a good one--polite, but no chitchat. But if you have a special neutral face that you use only for her, I'd stop using it. It's too pointed and gives her a target. Maybe you even say "Good morning" before she does every so often--it shows you are making an effort.

Then, if your boss brings the subject up again and tells you to be "nicer," you can point out everything you are doing to do calm the waters, and ask for *specific* details to improve. Don't accept a general, "You need to be nicer;" ask what that means--saying hello every morning, getting her coffee, smiling three times a day--what exactly does your boss expect you to do? Because you are already being polite. That might get the boss to examine the co-worker's behavior a bit more and see if part of the problem lies there.

What you don't want is for the situation to escalate and get both of you sent to HR or to have it show up on your annual review.

[Redsoil]

To be honest, it does sound like you're being "frostily polite" rather than "pleasant".  There is quite a difference.

Would it help to think of her as a client, rather than a co-worker?  That was you could have your game face on more easily.  Keeping the office atmosphere more pleasant will benefit everyone, and it will get easier with time.  Not saying you have to give in, but "letting go" of resentment may help lighten the atmosphere a bit.

[WillyNilly]

Like others, I think it sounds as though you are being cool towards your one co-worker.  If you are cool with everyone - a flat, non-smiling "good morning" - well then you are just that kind of person.  But if you are warmly greeting others, and then cooling it down for her, that's noticeable and not ok.  Its unpleasant for more then just the one person you are being cool towards, and frankly its unprofessional. 

Treat her as neutral/warm.  It doesn't have to be gushy or over the top, but it needs to be nice enough that no one - not her, or those around both of you - openly realizes you dislike her.  Outside work feel free to be totally cold & distant, but at work you have to maintain a cordial work relationship.

[Lynnv]

I was told by a supervisor (many, many, many years ago) that the key to customer service is to be friendly without being friends with my customers.  It takes time, effort and energy to be friends.  I would not expend that on this person.  And, if she wasn't a colleague, I would not say you even owe her friendliness.  But treat her the same way as you would a client or customer and you will be fine. 

Pleasant and neutral, within the limits of your normal personality.  You don't need to chat with her or anything like that, but a normal pleasant "Good morning" is the kind of social lubricant that makes things go smoother in an office.

If nothing else, think about the fact that acting cold and frosty towards her (no matter how much she might have earned it) will make your whole office a less pleasant place to work.  Your coworkers will notice and they will feel like you are pushing your personal drama with her onto their working day.  Even if they agree with you.

I spent 10 of the last 12 years working with a man that I cannot stand.  We started out as actually being work friends, but over the years he expressed some things that could have gotten him fired and the company sued if any of us were inclined towards that kind of complaint.  People knew when I went to just being friendly with him.  But I never put them in the middle by showing just how downright angry he made me.  I pretended that he was a client who I didn't like, but had to work with and had to have cooperation from.  And it worked.  Friendly but not friends. 

[lilfox]

It's pretty difficult to work with someone you don't like, or who has been rude to you in the past, or worse, runs hot and cold so you never know what to expect.

With someone who runs hot and cold, your best strategy might be to be consistently just-warmer-than-lukewarm.  Especially if others recognize that the coworker is difficult to work with some (most, all) of the time.  It makes you look pleasant and tolerant, without the strain of trying too hard to be friendly (or unfriendly).   A moderately warm "good morning" with smile is sufficient most of the time - seems welcoming and is over in 5 seconds.  An infrequent amount of chit-chat is useful too, if the coworker is in a friendly phase - you're not investing too much there, it's just small-talk, but it could smooth some of your interactions.