Author Topic: This is Not A General Referendum on YOU!  (Read 7042 times)

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Bijou

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Re: This is Not A General Referendum on YOU!
« Reply #15 on: October 25, 2012, 11:13:54 AM »
Assuming the trophies, etc that you used are food safe and that this was not the issue, I would ignore her.  It sounds like a case of jealousy over your ability to be creative.
I've never knitted anything I could recognize when it was finished.  Actually, I've never finished anything, much to my family's relief.

pierrotlunaire0

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Re: This is Not A General Referendum on YOU!
« Reply #16 on: October 25, 2012, 11:18:34 AM »
I think your trophies sound fantastic and I would have LOVED that!

Would it work to diffuse these tense moments by treating the comments with less seriousness? "Judy, goodness relax! I used the trophies because I thought it would be FUN!" Then make an excuse to walk away.

I like this.  Also, when past the moment, and your friends seem semi-rational, you could bring it up, as in: "There are times I feel like I am walking on eggshells around you because you seem to be offended by something that I meant no offense at.  I hate to feel that way about you because I consider you a friend.  Is there something going on in our relationship where I make you feel bad?"
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magicdomino

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Re: This is Not A General Referendum on YOU!
« Reply #17 on: October 25, 2012, 11:40:39 AM »

I like this.  Also, when past the moment, and your friends seem semi-rational, you could bring it up, as in: "There are times I feel like I am walking on eggshells around you because you seem to be offended by something that I meant no offense at.  I hate to feel that way about you because I consider you a friend.  Is there something going on in our relationship where I make you feel bad?"

Since you like them anyway, I'd try this before setting them loose.  It does sound like the friends have a low self-esteem issue.

Using old trophies and the like for serving dinner is a great idea.  Personally, I don't want silver because of the polishing, and yes, I happily use stainless.  But someone else using it?  That's fine, even if they are using all the really cool specialty forks and spoons that scare people so much.   

Hmmmmm

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Re: This is Not A General Referendum on YOU!
« Reply #18 on: October 25, 2012, 12:23:09 PM »
I agree that your idea sounds wonderful.  I would have really enjoyed it.  You've got some great ideas here.  This woman is a bore.  This is a pet peeve of mine.  My dad would get upset with my mom when she'd use some of her nicer items when entertaining some of his sisters because they'd always make remarks about how mom was always trying to "put on the hog".  So some of my suggestions aren't going to be the nicest, but I don't think they are rude.

"Wow, I'd never realized you only had stainless.  I'll pay closer attention next time.  Would you like the name of where I get my stuff since you don't seem to enjoy what you have?"
"Well I didn't realize you would be offended about my wanting to entertain you in a fun way.  I'll rectify that for future invites."
"Would you like me to call you next time for you to review and approve my table setting?"
"You're always so funny.  Can you imagine someone actually being upset about something like that?"

BeagleMommy

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Re: This is Not A General Referendum on YOU!
« Reply #19 on: October 25, 2012, 02:33:56 PM »
Put the onus on her.  "Friend, why would you think I thought less of you because you don't share my hobby?  Do you really find me that shallow?"

poundcake

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Re: This is Not A General Referendum on YOU!
« Reply #20 on: October 25, 2012, 02:59:54 PM »
I have a similar issues with a few family members. I used to blankly say "Really? Why would you say that?" but I like the suggestions here about putting the onus back on them with some more pointed questions. Some people are just so insecure it poisons everything around them.

daybarb

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Re: This is Not A General Referendum on YOU!
« Reply #21 on: October 25, 2012, 03:22:05 PM »
with friends like them, who needs enemies?

SoCalVal

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Re: This is Not A General Referendum on YOU!
« Reply #22 on: October 25, 2012, 04:19:47 PM »
Just give them a really simple answer and move on -- "Nope, my choice to use silver has no reflection on you using stainless.  Bean dip..."  Their insecurities and imagined slights here are not your problem.  I wouldn't even get into a discussion.  Simple answer, move on because there's really nothing you can do, other than make yourself really miserable and second guess yourself.

DF will, more than rarely, misinterpret something I've said; he'll be about as off as your friends.  I've learned to just tell him, often, that my tone or words do not have the meaning he's interpreting, and I'll leave it at that.  I've found that analyzing why he feels this way just leads nowhere (doesn't mean I never discuss these things with him but there are a few times that his interpretation borders on the ridiculous that I just won't bother with because he just needs to get over himself after I remind him that there's no hidden meaning to what I said, same as your "friends").



Winterlight

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Re: This is Not A General Referendum on YOU!
« Reply #23 on: October 25, 2012, 04:59:16 PM »
First, this sounds like a lovely clever way to use your silver and enjoy it.

Second, Friend needs to get a grip. You are not using your silver AT her.

Third, I vote for calling her on it, and if she doesn't quit, I'd back away.
If wisdom’s ways you wisely seek,
Five things observe with care,
To whom you speak,
Of whom you speak,
And how, and when, and where.
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sweetonsno

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Re: This is Not A General Referendum on YOU!
« Reply #24 on: October 25, 2012, 06:17:51 PM »
I've mulled this over a lot, and Winterlight's second point really made me realize what has been bugging me about some of the responses. The main reason why I would not suggest making your initial response snarky or defensive is that there are a lot of people out there who DO host at their guests.

I absolutely know that you aren't (the melange of vintage trophies would absolutely clue me into the "just for kicks" intention), but it could be that she's sensitive about it for whatever reason. Different people have different ideas about hosting. It could be that she is worried that she has to reciprocate with silver or you won't want to come over. That's why I'd just say something like, "Good heavens, Sally, you know I'd to come for tea even if you were serving out of sippy cups. I love you for you, not your serving implements. I just thought you all would get a kick out of the guppy trophy. Beandip?"

If it continues, I'd probably try one of the "Is there something going on with our friendship that has you worried?" approaches.

chibichan

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Re: This is Not A General Referendum on YOU!
« Reply #25 on: October 25, 2012, 07:05:27 PM »
" Geez friend- it's a dessert service , not a loaded gun and it was served to you , not aimed at you . You are reading waaay to much into this . "

You can modify this phrase for any action / object she feels is " judgemental " of her .

Or you can just stick with a bland , straight-faced " It's not about you . "

Frankly , she sounds like more work than I would be willing to commit to .
The key to avoiding trouble is to learn to recognize it from a distance.

TootsNYC

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Re: This is Not A General Referendum on YOU!
« Reply #26 on: October 25, 2012, 08:09:33 PM »
Maybe call them out on thier reasoning? Me DH did a few of those things a long time ago, he could be quick to see things I said or did in a PA light.
So something like 'do you really think that I am the kind of horrible person who wants to oneup her friends all the time? Is that how you see me?'
If she goes like 'no, but...' comtinue with 'I like to collect silverware and use it in funny new ways. Why did that not occur to you, but did you think it was a PA move instead? It is not nice when people jump to the worst conclusions about what I do.'

Or also say, in an amused and kind and friendly and indulgent tone, "sweetie, it's not about you."

gmatoy

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Re: This is Not A General Referendum on YOU!
« Reply #27 on: October 26, 2012, 02:52:47 AM »
Am I the only one who thought: "Ice cream? You served ice cream?  Yum, ice cream."

Anyone who serves me dessert gets praise, not attacks.

Wandering off to see if there is ice cream in my freezer.

wyliefool

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Re: This is Not A General Referendum on YOU!
« Reply #28 on: October 26, 2012, 11:52:36 AM »
"Dude. Not everything is always about you."

magicdomino

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Re: This is Not A General Referendum on YOU!
« Reply #29 on: October 26, 2012, 04:31:49 PM »
Am I the only one who thought: "Ice cream? You served ice cream?  Yum, ice cream."
Anyone who serves me dessert gets praise, not attacks.

Wandering off to see if there is ice cream in my freezer.

No, no you aren't.   ;D