Update page 2 How do i melt the Social Circle Special Snowflake

[darkprincess]

There is a person in my social circle that is very SS. In the past he has shown up to group events without enough money to pay for tickets, food, or other expenses. He will bring an animal and/or child (not His) to a person's house without asking if it is o.k. He will drive to a group activity but then make it known that he does not have enough gas or money to get home. He has even shown up excessively early, sometimes a day early and needed someone to put him up for the night. Some activities are done in such a way that everyone brings something to share like a potluck, candy and eggs for an egghunt, or pool money together to rent something. He always comes but never chips in and always has an excuse. If he is challenged in any way he becomes a drama lama and tries to make himself the victim and claim he is being picked on.

Members of the social circle are at different levels of annoyance and have different ways of handling it. Some have decided that this is just how he is and because we are friends we must accept him and get taken advantage of. Some people have grown spines and have told him no. Some have stopped telling him about events in the hopes that he will not come, and many people have simply stopped doing or attending events that require shared resources. When some people plan an event they are arranging the event to start inside the ticketed venue, always have bring your own food or no food at all. For various reasons we cannot kick him out of the social circle.

Recently we had an activity that involved pooled resources which he committed to participating in and then didn't donate his share. This meant the rest of us had to pay more to cover the shortage. He was told he could still attend the event. Then he asked to bring an extra person who was not part of the social circle. The host politely told him only those in the social circle could attend. This resulted in public name calling, harsh words, and an attempt by him to be the victim.

After this  occurrence I have decided to be civil to him at events but arrange my involvement in the Social Circle to do my best to avoid him. I have also decided to no longer attend or participate in activities that require pooled resources or any activity that requires his involvement to be a success. This will likely mean my involvement with Social Circle will be reduced.
 
I am scheduled to host one of the next activities which everyone knows is a social circle only event. I have attempted to contact him privately twice through different communication methods so that I could very clearly state the expectations of the event, namely who exactly is invited and that anyone else will be turned away. The expectations and who is invited is commonly known by the entire social circle because it is a traditional event we have been doing for years. He has caused problems at this event in the past and in the past I did not have a spine to stand up to him. My spine is polished and ready this year andI want him to know that I will not put up with these behaviours. I know that he has received both messages asking him to call me but he has not tried to contact me. I will likely see him soon at a party but I do not want to talk to him there because historically he tends to react poorly. I do not want his drama to ruin someone elses party.

How do I bean dip this conversation so it does not happen at the party? Any advice on how to reset boundaries after you've let them be trampled on. He knows the expectations of the event I am hosting, so do I even need to remind him? Is this just opening the door to more drama or because I have let him slide in the past do I need to reassert the expectations? How do I do this if he wont answer all my attempts to contact him? Can I just leave a message on voicemail?

[misha412]

Wow. So, this guy expects to be part of the group, but not pay his fair share. He wants to bring uninvited guests to various events, without asking if he can or knowing he should not. He is a drama llama when someone points out his behavior. And you cannot kick him out of the group.

 

I would not confront him at the party due to the potential drama. Actually, you should not need to remind the guy, but it sounds like if you do not he will innocently say he didn't realize his guest was not welcome.

For your particular situation, I would try to contact him at least one more time. If he does not answer, then leave a brief message to call you. If that does not work, you can either leave him a detailed message or decide to handle him when he brings someone outside the social circle to the members-only event. A firm "that is not possible" at the door may be necessary.

Long term, it sounds like the social group needs to take a firm stand with SS. He pays his own way or does not participate. If he shows up without money, then he needs to stay outside the event, or eat ramen noodles in his car. When everyone keeps giving in to his actions, the entire group is suffering. Why should people have to avoid telling him about events to keep him from becoming a mooch?

[Only me]

Hi

Wow, just wow. I have a friend who runs a social circle and she's kicked people out, not many but a few have been asked not to come back. So:
I really think you should consider not inviting him but:
1) I think you're right about trying not to confront him at another get together, but wondering if you can even casually mention "did you get my messages?" If yes, then tell him you'd love to talk about it later, or if no, tell him you'll resend it to him. but overall it may be better not to mention it to hi.
2) do you think he'd bring up your messages at the other get together? YOu might want to be prepared in case he does. Just walking about or sorry need the bathroom are good escapes.
3) If he hasn't RSVP'd can you just leave another message saying something like "Hey you haven't gotten back to me, so guess you won't be coming. I'll count you out and make no provisions for you". (or something similar).
4) When he shows up at your get together, can you enlist the help of others and not let him in. I have one friend who got around this by letting the moocher visit, but only had enough cutlery etc for anyone who rsvp'd. The moocher got a "sorry but if there was no RSVP, no cutlery/food/drink".
5) Remember the saying "you can't change others you can only change you". When he shows up at something with no money, whatever just refuse to play. Say sorry I'm not covering you, meaning not paying his portion or any part of his portion. I realise this may mean losing money, but seriously you gotta draw a line or go crazy.

I just had a situation with my friends social group, where this one guy would never answer a question. If I asked what he ordered, he woudl say well tax was this much, food was this much". (Trust me it was much more intense than that) but I just refuse to play now. This means not acknowledging him when he's there, not talking to him unless he asks me something. I saw him last month and a new member asked me why I ignored him and I just said he was a private person and didn't like to give any answers about himself. He was also just starring at another member that I know to make her uncomfortable, but me I just went on with what I was doing. I was also making sure not to be impolite. I could see he knew what I was doing and he looked a little hurt, but sorry not my problem.

Anyways I am going to be interested in what others have to say about this also. I'd love to hear more options.
Me me me

[WillyNilly]

Personally I'd let him react poorly and just stand there, sipping a drink or looking bored or whatever and then "are you done with your temper tantrum yet?  As I was saying..."  And just go on.  And if he really persisted I'd tell him off, calmly but cuttingly, I mean really enough of his shenanigans he needs to grow up and act like a human!  People know how he is, so if he starts in with the victim act everyone will know its all on him and won't think you are cruel or actually victimizing him. 

In fact it might be a good idea to pull a victim card on him about how you always end up covering for him and how you came to X event on a fixed budget but because you had to pay for him, again, you got short changed and how this has happened before and how come he never gets your back its not easy being you and you have have a budget and limited resources too and he's always taking taking taking and its just becoming way too much and how can he consider himself a friend and do these terrible things to everyone around him when you've never been anything but gracious and generous and now, now when you need a little compassion and understanding he's trying to be the victim, no no no you are the victim and he's sooooooooooooooooooo mean to not understand and not try harder....  Just go on and on, and get upset sounding and don't let him get a word in edgewise and lay it on thick.

[Amara]

What appalls me about this is how everyone else is suffering or making sacrifices just so this moocher can have his way. Why? Why can't he be kicked out of the group? Why can't he be confronted by the group, or a chosen portion thereof, and told that either he participates fully (has proper amount of money, brings food, etc.) or he doesn't come, that he is never welcome to bring guests and if he does they will not be admitted? Yes, he's a special snowflake but everyone else is encouraging his behavior by changing their own behavior rather than forcing him to change his or get out.

[lady_disdain]

Yes, he's a special snowflake but everyone else is encouraging his behavior by changing their own behavior rather than forcing him to change his or get out.

Yup. People are bending over to allow this guy to mooch. Stop. Just stop. He is counting on people feeling sorry for him, not wanting him to be left stranded, not saying no.

You can't control other people but you can change your reaction (and be a role model for others). Don't bean dip, tell him the facts (no outsiders allowed, must contribute) and let him have his tantrum. He is counting on you not wanting to cause a scene.

[MyFamily]

I am very happy that you will no longer be playing his game.  My opinion is that he has somehow been clued into this - either by something you may have said to him or said to someone else and it was passed on to him.  So, he's avoiding your calls.  Anyway you can call him from a phone that is not your own, so he won't know via caller id that you are calling him?

Otherwise, if you can't send the message to him before the event, you will need to prepare yourself for not letting him pull one of his little games at your event.  If you are collecting money to pay for entry into a place and he pulls the "no money" card, then don't even respond beyond an eye roll and walk on to the next person.  If he tries to bring someone else, tell that person with a smile that you are so sorry he did this to them, but you can't accommodate them in your home. 

I realize an eye-roll can be rude, but at this point he needs to see that you are bored with his antics and are moving on. 

Another option for events that involve pooling money or food is when he won't pay his own way, refuse to pay more than what you need to pay and make it clear that you are tired of bankrolling his social life.

ETA - maybe those of you who are tired of his games can organize an event where you know he'll pull the no money thing and then you all refuse and make a bigger fuss than him - let him try to play the victim card, but if enough of you are saying 'no' it won't work.

[Hopefull]

I want to know what makes this guy so golden that he cant be kicked out?

[Clareish]

I want to know what makes this guy so golden that he cant be kicked out?

My question as well. It sounds like the social circle might not last due to his behaviour, and the good people (like the OP) simply bowing out of activities.

[Yvaine]

I want to know what makes this guy so golden that he cant be kicked out?

My question as well. It sounds like the social circle might not last due to his behaviour, and the good people (like the OP) simply bowing out of activities.

It's a classic Geek Social Fallacies thing.

[JenJay]

I'd refuse to pitch in extra to cover him, share with him if he didn't contribute or invite him to the events I hosted. If he tried to start drama at another event I'd say "As you know I've emailed you twice to discuss this and you opted not to write back. I'm not going to discuss it with you now." Then walk away.

[TootsNYC]

For various reasons we cannot kick him out of the social circle.

and yet, he is a thief. If he had taken to rooting through people's coat pockets and purses, would people be more willing to kick him out?

Actually, probably not. People are funny, aren't they?

I am scheduled to host one of the next activities which everyone knows is a social circle only event. I have attempted to contact him privately twice through different communication methods ... I know that he has received both messages asking him to call me but he has not tried to contact me. I will likely see him soon at a party but I do not want to talk to him there because historically he tends to react poorly. I do not want his drama to ruin someone elses party.

How do I bean dip this conversation so it does not happen at the party?

You say, "Oh, yes, Stealer, I did want to talk with you--but I'm in the middle of the party. We'll catch up right before you leave."

... He knows the expectations of the event I am hosting, so do I even need to remind him?

I would think that you do, especially since in the past, he has been successful in trampling boundaries.

How do I do this if he wont answer all my attempts to contact him? Can I just leave a message on voicemail?

yes, you can. Do it right after this upcoming party.

And I would start to say things like, "I'm not coming, because I get too frustrated when Stealer shows up and mooches. I used to be able to live with it, but he's essentially stealing from all of us, and I'm not going to be his victim anymore. So you are going to lose me for that event. Let me know if he gets uninvited, and I'll show up. I *was* looking forward to it."

Start letting this reasoning be known--drag it out into the open.

In fact it might be a good idea to pull a victim card on him about how you always end up covering for him and how you came to X event on a fixed budget but because you had to pay for him, again, you got short changed and how this has happened before and how come he never gets your back its not easy being you and you have have a budget and limited resources too and he's always taking taking taking and its just becoming way too much and how can he consider himself a friend and do these terrible things to everyone around him when you've never been anything but gracious and generous and now, now when you need a little compassion and understanding he's trying to be the victim, no no no you are the victim and he's sooooooooooooooooooo mean to not understand and not try harder....  Just go on and on, and get upset sounding and don't let him get a word in edgewise and lay it on thick.

And in fact, lay out this argument--because it is absolutely true, and not in the least exaggerated!!!--in front of everyone else.

When his name comes up, point out that he's not a very good friend, that what he is doing is stealing from people who are NICE to him!!

[etiquetteE]

I would stop chipping in to help pay for his portion, when someone says, oh we need $20.00 more to cover his portion, that's a great time to say "I'm afaraid that won't be possible", I am no longer able to cover SS's portion of events/costs. Others in your social circle may admire your spine of EHELL approved steel and follow your lead.

I would email him or leave a message the day after the party and make your expectations clear for the event you are hosting.  SS, I wanted to be sure you are clear about the invitation for the next party.  The invitation includes ONLY you, it is not for any of your friends, children or pets.  If you bring someone else, I won't be able to accommodate them and you will all have to leave.  I'm also expecting that you will be able to contribute XYZ for this event.  If your not able to do that, than I will accept your decline for this event.

Dark Princess

[Rusty]

What your social group is doing is enabling this person's behaviour. There is no excuse for it and it is unacceptable. Does he have a personality disorder or a disability of some sort, because otherwise there is no way you should be putting up with this and even then he should be expected to behave in a reasonable manner. Does he have an email address by which you could make it clear that his attendance is on your terms (for your social event) and that in future you will not contribute towards his activities. I would send a copy to every member, then its up to them to follow through as you have.

[Cheapie]

He wouldn't by any chance be the boss of the majority of the social circle?  That's about the only logical reason I can find as to why he isn't history with this social group.