Update page 2 How do i melt the Social Circle Special Snowflake

[LifeOnPluto]

I would stop chipping in to help pay for his portion, when someone says, oh we need $20.00 more to cover his portion, that's a great time to say "I'm afaraid that won't be possible", I am no longer able to cover SS's portion of events/costs. Others in your social circle may admire your spine of EHELL approved steel and follow your lead.

POD. And if others in your social circle DON'T follow your lead, and make YOU out to be the mean one ("Oh Darkprincess, everyone else but you is chipping in for Moocher's share. It means we all have to pay more! You're not being fair, etc.") stand firm. If they want to subsidise this moocher, that's their choice. And they would be out of line for criticising you for not going along with it. 

[TootsNYC]

"You want me to pay part of his share? This is not a new thing, it's not a one-shot thing, he does this ALL the time, even after we've all pointed it out. Basically, he's stealing from all of us. And I won't be a victim anymore--it makes me too mad and it ruins my entire week. If you want to actively sign up for being ripped off, I can't help you, but I'm not going to do it anymore."

[LeveeWoman]

What your social group is doing is enabling this person's behaviour. There is no excuse for it and it is unacceptable. Does he have a personality disorder or a disability of some sort, because otherwise there is no way you should be putting up with this and even then he should be expected to behave in a reasonable manner. Does he have an email address by which you could make it clear that his attendance is on your terms (for your social event) and that in future you will not contribute towards his activities. I would send a copy to every member, then its up to them to follow through as you have.

Please, do not equate personality disorders with disabilities.

[TootsNYC]

LeveeWoman, she used the word "or"--that automatically says that the two things being mentioned are NOT the same thing. It is the absolute opposite of "equating" them.

I don't think that touchiness is really warranted here.


(though personally, I would consider a personality disorder to be a type of disability. A mental or emotional disability. Something that interferes with someone's ability to function in the normal, optimum manner.)

[VorFemme]

My theory is that he helped somebody bury a body.......

Or possibly has pictures of them with a body......

But if nobody ever calls him on his childish mooching - the poor guy will never have any reason to grow up.  Time to help him mature! 

[LeveeWoman]

LeveeWoman, she used the word "or"--that automatically says that the two things being mentioned are NOT the same thing. It is the absolute opposite of "equating" them.

I don't think that touchiness is really warranted here.


(though personally, I would consider a personality disorder to be a type of disability. A mental or emotional disability. Something that interferes with someone's ability to function in the normal, optimum manner.)

In the same sentence, Rusty posted: because otherwise there is no way you should be putting up with this and even then he should be expected to behave in a reasonable manner

To me, that groups them together. Your opinion determines otherwise.

People with personality disorders are not forced by physical issues in their brains or bodies to behave this way. They can be counselled to behave differently but, those with disabilities cannot.

[darkprincess]

OP here...thanks to everyone. I have been caving in too long so it is good to see that my outrage is justified and my decision to stand strong and no longer be mooched off of easier to stick with. I plan on attempting to avoid him at the party but if he insists on talking I will make things very clear using willynilly's line of thought.

Toots your post was a real eye opener. Ironically he has stolen from people...literally took money and things from purses and houses and we all made excuses and simply held onto our purses and hid valuables. Why oh why have I put up with this for so long.

Rusty you are absolutely right we are enabling him and I will no longer do it.

Lifeonpluto I hope if it comes to me being perceived as the " mean" one I will give more people courage to stand up.

Many people in the group are seeing his actions for what they are. For some reason everyone, including myself, bought into the "I'm the victem" act and it had gone too far.

i think I need to rethink through my thoughts of not being able to kick him out of the social circle. I guess everything is possible. Sometimes it is hard to see clearly when you are in the middle of it. Maybe the group will break apart but maybe that won't be so bad, the people I really want to be with will be there for me. I have seen that when we don't stand up to him the whole group suffers. All of our activities and events have been scaled down because of him and they are not as fun. If someone wants to continue to associate with him that is their problem.

[johelenc1]

Can you tell us why you "can't" kick him out?  I'm just curious as to what kind of rules would hold a group together but not allow someone with egregious behavior to be kicked out.  You call it a social group, but if you can't define who you want to spend time with how is it social?  And finally, why in the world do people keep forking over money for this guy?  Actually, maybe you can tell us why you have all this time.  I'm genuinely asking.  Did you feel pressure from the group?

[LeveeWoman]

OP here...thanks to everyone. I have been caving in too long so it is good to see that my outrage is justified and my decision to stand strong and no longer be mooched off of easier to stick with. I plan on attempting to avoid him at the party but if he insists on talking I will make things very clear using willynilly's line of thought.

Toots your post was a real eye opener. Ironically he has stolen from people...literally took money and things from purses and houses and we all made excuses and simply held onto our purses and hid valuables. Why oh why have I put up with this for so long.

Rusty you are absolutely right we are enabling him and I will no longer do it.

Lifeonpluto I hope if it comes to me being perceived as the " mean" one I will give more people courage to stand up.

Many people in the group are seeing his actions for what they are. For some reason everyone, including myself, bought into the "I'm the victem" act and it had gone too far.

i think I need to rethink through my thoughts of not being able to kick him out of the social circle. I guess everything is possible. Sometimes it is hard to see clearly when you are in the middle of it. Maybe the group will break apart but maybe that won't be so bad, the people I really want to be with will be there for me. I have seen that when we don't stand up to him the whole group suffers. All of our activities and events have been scaled down because of him and they are not as fun. If someone wants to continue to associate with him that is their problem.

You're on your own.

[Danika]

I'd refuse to pitch in extra to cover him, share with him if he didn't contribute or invite him to the events I hosted.

POD

When anyone said to me "Moocher doesn't have enough. We all need to kick in an extra $XX, I'd say in a very deadpan, emotionless voice "Sorry. I don't have extra." And I would not turn over one penny more than my share.

If he needed a ride in my car, I'd say very unamused "Sorry. Can't do it."

And I wouldn't JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain). Just "no."

And I would never invite him to my house again. Unfortunately, I have had to put my foot down like this. I have a fully functioning, normal member of society, cousin, in her 40s, who yells and screams at people and belittles them. She just has a bad temper. Her siblings and parents are used to it but I have stopped letting it go in the name of family harmony. I refused to invite her into my home for the family holiday gathering which is generally held at a different family member's house each year. That effectively means that I will no longer attend this function or see other cousins, but I refuse to be taken advantage of or abused in my own home and will not have her here.

Since you've already extended the invitation to Moocher, I agree with a PP. I think you should email all the rules to every guest and end with "no exceptions." You could word it as:

Because of XYZ circumstance, only those who are on the invitation list can be accommodated in my home. No uninvited guests. Any person, child or animal not on the original invitation list and the person who brings them will be turned away at the door. Thank you for your understanding.

I wouldn't discuss this with Moocher at all at the next gathering. I wouldn't call him or email him beyond this. I would just be prepared to greet guests at the door (versus being in the kitchen as they arrive and leaving the door unlocked so they can let themselves in) and I'd be prepared to say to any guest who broke these rules "I'm so sorry. I can't make an exception. It's not fair to the others because I've held them to the same standards. I cannot accommodate ABC infraction. I'm sure you understand." And if Moocher pitches at fit at the door, you smile sweetly, say "sorry" and close the door as you're saying it.

[darkprincess]

I'm not sure what you mean by having all this time?

In regards to why I can't kick him out, it is a matter of social dynamics. I am not giving details for anonymity and i suspect at least one person involved reads this site, so some details are very vague. but think about it like a family or a group of army buddies, or long term roleplaying friends. As long as most of the friends or family are willing to put up with the behavior they can continue to invite him, plan group events, put pressure on people to excuse behavior or put pressure by saying if we all just chip in a few more dollars we can all do it. "We can't just leave him here." " we can't let our friend go hungry." Etc

One person did stand up to him and they were blamed and made to look like the bad guy. Many of us, me included, I am sorry to say i remained neutral and didn't support the person who had come to their senses.

Some of us were aghast at how far things had gone that we were left dumbfounded and didn't react in a timely fashion. Others are now so used to the behavior that they see it as normal and think it is ok. They still cannot understand my frustration.

I told one person that I would not be letting uninvited friend of person into event and they said that would be rude to the person who didn't know not to attend, he was invited by someone after all, and it is only one person, we can make it work. Excuses which enable.

In the end this is likely to break up the group because some people won't stop inviting him, others try to remain neutral which enables the behavior and some of us may leave the group if we cannot stop it.

[Danika]

I suspect that johelenc1 meant "all this time" as in "why did you allow it to happen for so long, thus far?"

Let's say, hypothetically, that Moocher were really really fun to be around and that he did not "literally took money and things from purses and houses." In that case, I think the enablers who claim to just want to have their friend around should pony up and split his expenses. Let's say, for example, he's just gorgeous, and there are three single women who have crushes on him and they're the ones always falling for his victim speeches. Then, those three can be the ones who always pay his way and accommodate him. If they want to, that's up to them.

But the fact that he is also stealing things outright speaks to an even greater lack in his character than I originally thought.

The one person who did stand up to Moocher, is that person still a part of the group, or did they give up and stop socializing with you all?

[Rusty]

To LeveeWoman who berated me for asking if the SS might have a personality disorder OR disability. I did use the word OR, and as I have a son with a mild intellectual disability I find it offensive that you seem to regard a personality disorder of a higher order than a disability.  My reasoning behind what I said was that sometimes, for instance, people with Aspergers can present as socially inept and not inclined to have regard for other people. I have spent a lot of time with children and adults with disabilities and I am well aware of their wonderful points but also their shortcomings.

[PastryGoddess]

There are obviously pictures somewhere that involve a goat...or a sheep.


I do hope that the "incidents" involving horses, bears, or latex were not recorded for posterity 

[Iris]

I am also curious as to whether the "bad guy" who stood up to him is still part of the social group.

I'm sorry to say but I think this group is really dysfunctional. A group where people will tolerate someone *actually stealing from them* because he's their "buddy", but where saying "Stop stealing from me" is an offence is waaaaaaay beyond normal social parameters. I know that you are saying it's like a family or a group of old army buddies etc but honestly I think even in a group of old army buddies someone who *stole* from them would be simply not invited to future reunions.

I wouldn't invite him into your home. I wouldn't allow him to bring other guests. And I would start looking for a new group of friends. Maybe you could have some get togethers with the OTHER people who don't like his shenanigans.