Update page 2 How do i melt the Social Circle Special Snowflake

[darkprincess]

OP here again.
I am hosting the event at my house and I am paying all costs so luckily I do need to worry about getting him to pay. And I will no longer participate in events where everyone needs to pay to make it work. No one that I haven't invited will be allowed in and any bad behaviour will result in a firm invitation to leave. I have a month or more to prepare so I will use this upcoming party that someone else is hosting to continue to polish my spine.

The person who stood up to him first has basically chosen not to attend events, but is still friends with me and a few others but not going to other group events.
 
I am also astonished that we as a group have not done something about this before, especially when actual theft was involoved, but I was also spineless and didn't do anything.

I have come to the point where I am willing to be considered mean, be talked bad about, loose friends, etc. It has become too much. This may mean that I will be leaving the group if the group collectively or through inaction decides to continue to ignore his behavior. There is no reason I cannot be friends with individuals. The stress associatied with group events is not worth it.

I am so glad so many of you have responded. I was so deep into following what I have always done and hiding my head in the sand that it was hard to see how bad this had become. Thank you

[rose red]

OP here again.
I am hosting the event at my house and I am paying all costs so luckily I do need to worry about getting him to pay. And I will no longer participate in events where everyone needs to pay to make it work. No one that I haven't invited will be allowed in and any bad behaviour will result in a firm invitation to leave. I have a month or more to prepare so I will use this upcoming party that someone else is hosting to continue to polish my spine.

I'm also wondering why he cannot be left out.  What power does he have?  Without that information, I suggest you do not invite a thief into your home.  Pave the way for others who are also sick of him.  Guests contribute to a party, even if it's just good company, and he doesn't even bring that. 

[bopper]

I would leave a message on his machine saying "I haven't been able to get in contact with you and I know there has been some confusion on your part over who is invited to this event in the past. Just so it is clear, only people in the social circle are invited, so please do not bring any uninvited guests. "

If he does show up with someone, you will have to tell them..."This is so awkward for you but I am afraid AnnoyingGuy brought you after I specifically told him not to add to the guest list. You can appreciate that I am not set up for additional guests and am sorry that I will not be able to accomodate you."

Also tell some of the other sympathetic people your plan if he shows up with someone else.

[doodlemor]

Sneaky doodlemor is active today.   

If you truly do have to invite him, maybe you could set up a *sting.*

If everyone dumps coats and purses in a bedroom for example, perhaps you buy or rent a nanny cam and set it up in there.  If he steals $, there would be hard evidence to file charges.  Even if no charges are filed, I would hope that his getting caught on tape would end his association with the group.   

If you do decide to play detective, don't tell anyone.  He could be forewarned.

[Moralia]

I just wouldn't have invited him and not let him in.  It's your house.
If members of the social circle can't handle that, you need a new circle.

[Miss Unleaded]

OP here...thanks to everyone. I have been caving in too long so it is good to see that my outrage is justified and my decision to stand strong and no longer be mooched off of easier to stick with. I plan on attempting to avoid him at the party but if he insists on talking I will make things very clear using willynilly's line of thought.

Toots your post was a real eye opener. Ironically he has stolen from people...literally took money and things from purses and houses and we all made excuses and simply held onto our purses and hid valuables. Why oh why have I put up with this for so long.

Rusty you are absolutely right we are enabling him and I will no longer do it.

Lifeonpluto I hope if it comes to me being perceived as the " mean" one I will give more people courage to stand up.

Many people in the group are seeing his actions for what they are. For some reason everyone, including myself, bought into the "I'm the victem" act and it had gone too far.

i think I need to rethink through my thoughts of not being able to kick him out of the social circle. I guess everything is possible. Sometimes it is hard to see clearly when you are in the middle of it. Maybe the group will break apart but maybe that won't be so bad, the people I really want to be with will be there for me. I have seen that when we don't stand up to him the whole group suffers. All of our activities and events have been scaled down because of him and they are not as fun. If someone wants to continue to associate with him that is their problem.

You're on your own.

Could you please explain your meaning with this? 

[johelenc1]

OP - I did mean why have you personally have supported moocher for all this time.  I think you answered it well.  Peer pressure is a powerful thing and it sounds like Moocher has a powerful personality and is incredibly manipulative.    It sounds like he is a force to be reckoned with.

Maybe it took a while, but by standing up now, you can break the cycle.  If you are vocal about how and why you are doing it, others will probably follow suit.  The one person who tried before gave up and left when confronted.  If you make some noise about it, and stand firm, I think others will also find the courage to step up.

[TurtleDove]

OP here...thanks to everyone. I have been caving in too long so it is good to see that my outrage is justified and my decision to stand strong and no longer be mooched off of easier to stick with. I plan on attempting to avoid him at the party but if he insists on talking I will make things very clear using willynilly's line of thought.

Toots your post was a real eye opener. Ironically he has stolen from people...literally took money and things from purses and houses and we all made excuses and simply held onto our purses and hid valuables. Why oh why have I put up with this for so long.

Rusty you are absolutely right we are enabling him and I will no longer do it.

Lifeonpluto I hope if it comes to me being perceived as the " mean" one I will give more people courage to stand up.

Many people in the group are seeing his actions for what they are. For some reason everyone, including myself, bought into the "I'm the victem" act and it had gone too far.

i think I need to rethink through my thoughts of not being able to kick him out of the social circle. I guess everything is possible. Sometimes it is hard to see clearly when you are in the middle of it. Maybe the group will break apart but maybe that won't be so bad, the people I really want to be with will be there for me. I have seen that when we don't stand up to him the whole group suffers. All of our activities and events have been scaled down because of him and they are not as fun. If someone wants to continue to associate with him that is their problem.

You're on your own.

Could you please explain your meaning with this?

I would like to understand also. 

[TurtleDove]

LeveeWoman, she used the word "or"--that automatically says that the two things being mentioned are NOT the same thing. It is the absolute opposite of "equating" them.

I don't think that touchiness is really warranted here.


(though personally, I would consider a personality disorder to be a type of disability. A mental or emotional disability. Something that interferes with someone's ability to function in the normal, optimum manner.)

POD.  I don't think any sort of diagnosis would relieve this guy from responsibility for his awful behavior, but I do agree it might explain it. OP, good luck.  I have experienced people like this exactly once for each person - I just refuse to ever give in and cut them out of my life.  Your situation is more complex, but I almost think that is what will end up happening.

[blarg314]

I'm not sure what you mean by having all this time?

One person did stand up to him and they were blamed and made to look like the bad guy. Many of us, me included, I am sorry to say i remained neutral and didn't support the person who had come to their senses.

Some of us were aghast at how far things had gone that we were left dumbfounded and didn't react in a timely fashion. Others are now so used to the behavior that they see it as normal and think it is ok. They still cannot understand my frustration.

I told one person that I would not be letting uninvited friend of person into event and they said that would be rude to the person who didn't know not to attend, he was invited by someone after all, and it is only one person, we can make it work. Excuses which enable.

In the end this is likely to break up the group because some people won't stop inviting him, others try to remain neutral which enables the behavior and some of us may leave the group if we cannot stop it.

I think you're right here - the past behaviour of the group gives a very strong clue about their future behaviour.

You've got someone who has flagrantly overstepped anything remotely resembling reasonable boundaries to the point of deliberate and unambiguous theft of money and possessions. The reaction of the social group has been to enable him, to either turn on anyone who objects, or stand out of the way and say nothing.

What you *can* do, in the short term, is refuse to put up with his garbage. Refuse to have him in your home.  If you're hosting, you can send out the invitations to everyone but him, and turn him away at the door. Be prepared for a scene, though. If he needs a ride, don't give one. If he tries to forcibly stay over at your house because he 'doesn't have a ride', you tell him to get off your property or you're calling the police, and you lock the doors when he's out. If he shows up without cash, and people are pitching in, you say "Oh, I don't have any extra money (stock your purse with exact change in advance).  If you're at an event he is attending, take a purse with a single compartment and a zipper and lock it with a combination travel lock so he can't get in.

Have social events, and invite the reasonable people in the group - the ones who have objected to his behaviour, or who dislike it haven't objected.

But I think you're right - this behaviour is so ingrained in your group that the best solution is to let the group break up, and re-assemble a group of genuine friends from the wreckage.

[RingTailedLemur]

OP here...thanks to everyone. I have been caving in too long so it is good to see that my outrage is justified and my decision to stand strong and no longer be mooched off of easier to stick with. I plan on attempting to avoid him at the party but if he insists on talking I will make things very clear using willynilly's line of thought.

Toots your post was a real eye opener. Ironically he has stolen from people...literally took money and things from purses and houses and we all made excuses and simply held onto our purses and hid valuables. Why oh why have I put up with this for so long.

Rusty you are absolutely right we are enabling him and I will no longer do it.

Lifeonpluto I hope if it comes to me being perceived as the " mean" one I will give more people courage to stand up.

Many people in the group are seeing his actions for what they are. For some reason everyone, including myself, bought into the "I'm the victem" act and it had gone too far.

i think I need to rethink through my thoughts of not being able to kick him out of the social circle. I guess everything is possible. Sometimes it is hard to see clearly when you are in the middle of it. Maybe the group will break apart but maybe that won't be so bad, the people I really want to be with will be there for me. I have seen that when we don't stand up to him the whole group suffers. All of our activities and events have been scaled down because of him and they are not as fun. If someone wants to continue to associate with him that is their problem.

You're on your own.

Could you please explain your meaning with this?

I would like to understand also.

My understanding of LeeveeWoman's post was that the OP is going to have to be the "mean" one as she will be unable to rely on the support of the group to stand up to the moocher.

[LeveeWoman]

OP here...thanks to everyone. I have been caving in too long so it is good to see that my outrage is justified and my decision to stand strong and no longer be mooched off of easier to stick with. I plan on attempting to avoid him at the party but if he insists on talking I will make things very clear using willynilly's line of thought.

Toots your post was a real eye opener. Ironically he has stolen from people...literally took money and things from purses and houses and we all made excuses and simply held onto our purses and hid valuables. Why oh why have I put up with this for so long.

Rusty you are absolutely right we are enabling him and I will no longer do it.

Lifeonpluto I hope if it comes to me being perceived as the " mean" one I will give more people courage to stand up.

Many people in the group are seeing his actions for what they are. For some reason everyone, including myself, bought into the "I'm the victem" act and it had gone too far.

i think I need to rethink through my thoughts of not being able to kick him out of the social circle. I guess everything is possible. Sometimes it is hard to see clearly when you are in the middle of it. Maybe the group will break apart but maybe that won't be so bad, the people I really want to be with will be there for me. I have seen that when we don't stand up to him the whole group suffers. All of our activities and events have been scaled down because of him and they are not as fun. If someone wants to continue to associate with him that is their problem.

You're on your own.

Could you please explain your meaning with this?

I would like to understand also.

My understanding of LeeveeWoman's post was that the OP is going to have to be the "mean" one as she will be unable to rely on the support of the group to stand up to the moocher.

Precisely. (I'd had a longer, more detailed post I tried to cut and paste from a Word document but it was "eaten" after I'd erased it from the document so I threw up my arms in frustration at my mistake and summarized it with that short post.)

[Winterlight]

http://pervocracy.blogspot.com/2012/06/missing-stair.html (May be NSFW, TW for assault)

Mooch is a classic missing stair. Your group is used to working around him. There's this big gap that nobody wants to admit to seeing, because it's uncomfortable to think about calling him out. However, that means he's still there, sucking up people's money, causing stress and occasionally stealing. Is this someone you want in your home? Are people who enable this those you want to hang out with?

[darkprincess]

Wow, the missing stair is so correct. Thank you.
Sorry but I am now almost certain a member of the group is reading this so I will not be doing any more updates. Thank you to everyone for helping me open my eyes, see the missing stair, and begin to talk about it openly. I vow to keep a polished spine.

[PastryGoddess]

Well if another member of your group is reading this I hope their eyes are also opened to the fact that they are enabling this mooch.  Hopefully this post will help to change the group dynamic for the better.