Update page 2 How do i melt the Social Circle Special Snowflake

[Lady Eboshi]

When (not if) you do stand up to this shameless leech, you would do well to brace yourself for the fallout that will inevitably occur.   I don't mean K'nnyoucover's temper tantrums, that 's a given.  I mean be prepared for the rest of the social circle to call you out for having a spine.  Years of enabling and excusing the moocher as "he's always been that way, what can you do?" with accompanying sheepish shruggery have caused a sort of inertia to set in, and I can guarantee you'll meet resistance from the people who don't want to make waves or seem unfriendly.

Frankly, this is the point where I would be rethinking the value of maintaining ties with a group that would tolerate such an unrepentant thief in their midst.

[JeanFromBNA]

OP here again.
I am hosting the event at my house and I am paying all costs so luckily I do need to worry about getting him to pay. And I will no longer participate in events where everyone needs to pay to make it work. No one that I haven't invited will be allowed in and any bad behaviour will result in a firm invitation to leave. I have a month or more to prepare so I will use this upcoming party that someone else is hosting to continue to polish my spine.

The person who stood up to him first has basically chosen not to attend events, but is still friends with me and a few others but not going to other group events.
 
I am also astonished that we as a group have not done something about this before, especially when actual theft was involoved, but I was also spineless and didn't do anything.

I have come to the point where I am willing to be considered mean, be talked bad about, loose friends, etc. It has become too much. This may mean that I will be leaving the group if the group collectively or through inaction decides to continue to ignore his behavior. There is no reason I cannot be friends with individuals. The stress associatied with group events is not worth it.

I am so glad so many of you have responded. I was so deep into following what I have always done and hiding my head in the sand that it was hard to see how bad this had become. Thank you

Congratulations.  You have gone from being outer-directed to being inner-directed.  That's what makes a leader.

[JoyinVirginia]

OP, I an with those who say take control of the event you are hosting and just tell Moocher that he is not welcome in your home. He has a history of stealing things, bringing uninvited guests, and the rest if the behavior makes him someone I would not want in my home at all. Best wishes to you, and hope your event goes well!

[TootsNYC]

Well if another member of your group is reading this I hope their eyes are also opened to the fact that they are enabling this mooch thief.  Hopefully this post will help to change the group dynamic for the better.

I hope so as well.

And if I were in your position, I think I'd start looking at this social group, and the individuals in it, and start carving out my own new social circle. One that didn't include Thief.

[Venus193]

Just read this entire thread and I'm equally puzzled.  My guess is that the enablers will continue to enable until their money or valuables are stolen.  However, there is no reason you or anyone else should have to wait that long.

One lesson that can be learned from Meetup is that there needs to be a set of basic ground rules with no ambiguity.  If someone doesn't pay up, he's out.

[LadyJaneinMD]

I just wouldn't have invited him and not let him in.  It's your house.
If members of the social circle can't handle that, you need a new circle.

POD.  He's a known thief.  You have the perfect out.

"He's a thief.  I do not want a thief in my house. End of subject."

If he shows up, tell him to get lost or you'll call the police.  It's as simple as that.  The people who are offended on his behalf are not your friends anyway.

You don't need this thief in your house. 

[Jones]

I have a brother with a less than stellar past. He was given a new chance after "paying his debt for youthful indiscretions" but squandered it by stealing from both friends and family members, then calling and graphically threatening the sister who turned him in (using the jail phone...how dumb can you be?) which resulted in more charges, witness tampering. My parents also put in a home security system, as Criminal Brother's friends were showing up at their house looking for him/his stuff/their money. From what I understand that quit after a month or so of him being arrested and his name showing up in the Felony Filings portion of the newspaper.

Although I gave him a limited second chance (Facebook friended him, went to his wedding--which turned out to be fake--, visited him at the hospital), he will not be getting a third chance from me. I'm already hearing from family members (people he scammed and stole from!) that he's using his time in jail to "turn over a new leaf." I am not obliged to bring myself or my children around a criminal, even if we are related.

OP, you are not obliged to be around anyone you don't want to be around, particularly if that person is a user and thief. I don't know what "imaginary tether" you have to this person, but any line, even family relation, can be severed or ignored.

[TurtleDove]

I'm already hearing from family members (people he scammed and stole from!) that he's using his time in jail to "turn over a new leaf." I am not obliged to bring myself or my children around a criminal, even if we are related.

I'm sorry this happened in your family, Jones.  I liked what you said here in the bolded, and wanted to point out that your lack of involvement does not prevent your brother from turning over a new leaf.  He can get a third chance at cleaning up his act but you don't have to be a part of it.  Hugs!