What's in your Etiquette Repertoire?

[PastryGoddess]

A lot of us here have a go to method of dealing with those people who are "etiquettely challenged"

There is of course the dreaded icy glare.  The librarian LOOK. The TootsNYC special, etc


In my bag of tricks I have the *side eye* or *stink eye*.  I am also able to shut down inappropriate conversations/comments without raising my voice.  My friends call this Yelling Quietly 


I wear glasses so I really need to learn the over the glasses librarian LOOK.


So, what's in your bag of tricks?

[Kaypeep]

I use humor when I break out my spine.  For example, this past weekend I had an girls day out planned with some old school friends.  The night before we were discussing the final plans to meet up when one friend said her husband and daughter were coming.  I replied teasing her  "Well this is a ladies lunch, so they can't sit with us!" and thankfully a few others started teasing her too so she reletened and came alone.

At work there is a guy who always butts in to conversations I have with other people to either comment or ask a question related to what we are talking about.  I will admonish him and scold him like a child "I'm sorry, was I speaking to you?" and then I turn and ignore him.  It doesn't convey well here on this post, but I do it very good naturedly and even he laughs and then leaves us alone.

[siamesecat2965]

I use humor when I break out my spine.  For example, this past weekend I had an girls day out planned with some old school friends.  The night before we were discussing the final plans to meet up when one friend said her husband and daughter were coming.  I replied teasing her  "Well this is a ladies lunch, so they can't sit with us!" and thankfully a few others started teasing her too so she reletened and came alone.

At work there is a guy who always butts in to conversations I have with other people to either comment or ask a question related to what we are talking about.  I will admonish him and scold him like a child "I'm sorry, was I speaking to you?" and then I turn and ignore him.  It doesn't convey well here on this post, but I do it very good naturedly and even he laughs and then leaves us alone.

I tend to do the same type of thing. It gets the point across, but doens't really embarass the offender.

[Seraphia]

"I'm sorry, that won't be possible." That is one of the most powerful boundary phrases I've ever learned. I couple it with what I call the Polite Silence, which is basically the absence of JADEing. I say no, then step back with a neutral-nice face.

I don't really have a stink-eye, but apparently my neutral-grumpy face is fine for that.

[mechtilde]

I have an excellent glare.

Also, although I seldom need to use it, I do like "I beg your pardon?" with the appropriate tone of voice to the situation.

[violinp]

I have an impressive raised eyebrow when someone tells a whopper or says something crass. I lower my right eyebrow a little, and raise my left eyebrow so high that it might as well be in the stratosphere.

[WillyNilly]

I say "no thank you" - and not just to offers, just to bad behavior. 

Or I try to mirror back exact language - when a late comer to a movie theater (with plenty of seat towards the front and sides) tried to get DH & I and another couple to move out of our prime seats so he could have two seats together he said "how about everyone just shifts over one?"  I replied "how about no." 

My biggest tool though is posture.  I'm average height, but I stand tall, shoulders back, arms to my sides, head high.  I stand if I need to make a point when I'd been sitting.  I make eye contact.  I never ever flinch (that has more to do with growing up with an older brother and the torture game "two for flinching" though).  Strong confident body language says more then any words can.

[Deetee]

I use blunt good natured comments.
We once had one friend who would pay his portion of lunch based on the menu price. He would order very little and the rest of use usually tipped generously so we didn't notice at first. Once I noticed, I had no problem picking up what he put down and telling him to add tax and tip. He whined that he didn't believe in tipping and I told him to get his own bill next time, because we did believe in tipping and we weren't covering him and besides he HADN'T even covered the tax. He was abashed enough to start paying his proper amount.

I am quite generous. I host a lot more than my friends (mainly due to where I am in life) but I have zero problem ditching someone from an invite list or calling them out on bad behaviour. I am friendly. I am open with my hosting. I love to have people come over and have a good time, but when I organise or host an event, I expect them to abide by the terms of the invite or not attend. I find that having a wide enough social net means you have no reason to put up with people who are rude or annoying or selfish.

edit: I note that I don't really list any tricks. I think my "trick" is that I know that shutting down a rude request is not rude. Also I don't want everyone to like me. I want people with certain qualities to like me. So if someone were to get mad at me for not donating to their charity I don't agree with or not buying them a nice enough gift, I don't see this as a problem, I see this as a benefit. I simply do not want to be friends with them either.

[MrTango]

I tend to be very direct with people who annoy me.  Instead of saying "I don't want to..." I say "I won't..." or "I'm not..."

I've been known to say "That's none of my business" when someone tries to gossip.  (I know telling someone that something is none of their business is rude, but I think it's perfectly fine to decide that something is none of my business.)

[PastryGoddess]

I tend to be very direct with people who annoy me.  Instead of saying "I don't want to..." I say "I won't..." or "I'm not..."

I've been known to say "That's none of my business" when someone tries to gossip.  (I know telling someone that something is none of their business is rude, but I think it's perfectly fine to decide that something is none of my business.)

I like that phrase above. 

[mmswm]

The only thing I have going for me right now is my "teacher look".  Apparently, it's quite impressive. 

A few months ago I was standing in line at Walmart and a couple of kids (not mine) were behaving badly.  I looked over, gave them the "look" and they stopped pulling merchandise off the shelves and walked back to the adult they were with.  The man behind me in line chuckled and said that look made him stand up a little straighter himself.

[Sirius]

My mom had "the look" down.  She could make even adults behave better, and it was devastating to us kids.  As for me, I've got a blank expression that I've used with men who have tried to get too personal that works quite well.  I also can be so polite it's painful, although I don't have this ability near to the level Mr. Sirius does.  He's a naturally polite person, and when he turns on the "mega-polite" I know it's because he's trying not to blow a fuse. 

[CrochetFanatic]

I've been known to use the "long, silent stare" followed by the "walk away" if someone is actively trying to goad me into responding.  Raised eyebrow is optional.    Apparently that's perfectly acceptable, etiquette-wise, but it's gotten people to call me a "female canine" more than once for "ignoring" them.

Because of my uncle (Yeah, I know you're probably sick of hearing about him), I've had plenty of practice with "the LOOK" and the phrase, "Nope, sorry."

[Bijou]

I've heard of the others, but what is the TootsNYC special? 

I think it helps to count to 5 or ten before responding to something rude.  It allows you go center yourself and also lets the other person's words just hang there in the air for a bit. 

A blank look to something shocking works.

[QueenofAllThings]

I wish I could do the one eyebrow!

I usually do both eyebrows, followed by silence, and, if necessary, the walk away.