Grammarnerd, your blowup sounds normal, natural and human. You aimed some of the feelings surrounding your grief at the nearest convenient and plausible target. That wasn't polite, or even nice -- but under the circumstances, it is a small, understandable, fault, easily corrected. Others do truly understand and courtesy requires them to have "already forgotten" or brush it off. Rather like passing gas, there are some things etiquette, in kindness, discreetly ignores and rises above.
Shellybeans, while this is your first, and sadly, traumatic, married holiday season together, for which you have my sympathy, in my experience couples normally have the "what will we do for the relevant holiday" conversation a bit before the expectations and invitations start coming in. You and DH have done so before, and often enough to establish traditions, now sadly shattered by your mother's death. Please have this conversation, civilly and practically, with that "this year is in no way normal, things change with time so we're flexible, and begin as you mean to go on" attitude mentioned so often and well above. Please try to keep your emotions out of this conversation and work on civil and courteous. Do your emotional work outside this conversation. You are more likely to achieve your goals of getting DH on your page, establish you as a couple as the primary unit, getting your needs met this holiday season and ever after, and leaving the door open for changes. They happen. Our longstanding holiday traditions have often changed and changed back over the years, and are changing again as our children grow up and some of our siblings even have grandchildren. Your MIL may have been abhorrant, but for right now, just go for achieving your objectives with perfect propriety in case things change, and you perhaps change your mind.