My thoughts are running along the lines as NyaChan and Gellchom. I don't think it's rude to serve pork, but I also can't imagine it's in every meal.
And, with this exact situation it's not like it's a regular host-guest situation. Mom is coming to help and doing this household a favor, she isn't coming to just see the baby or visit the area, she is going to be working. OP stated Mom will be cooking after baby is born. So, what then?
Then the mom does not have to touch pork but if the OP or anyone else wants it can cook themselves, the sister can cook it or another non abstaining adult. The idea is not to make the abstainer do something they object to - but to make sure that those who do not abstain don't have to, no one's beliefs are put above another's, especially in the non abstainer's own home.
I don't disagree with that. Of course, they don't *have* to abstain from pork or alcohol.
Where this thread loses me is the idea that Mom is being hosted. She's not, she's doing this household a big favor. She will be cooking and working. Likely being around a lot of things she is not entirely comfortable with (alcohol as well) and as she is doing this family a favor, a bit of good will and acknowledgement of her preferences isn't much to ask for, IMO.
It is in mine....she preferences in some else's home don't override the preferences of those who live there. She may be doing a favor, but she's still a guest and if she does not like the fact that they are going to live their lives as they see fit, in their own home, she doesn't have to stay there. Even if she is flying in there are other options than her preferences taking precedence over someone else's in their own home. Even if she is doing cooking and cleaning she can take meals else where, or stay else where, the OP's husband, members of his family, the sister or even the OP herself can cook the traditional pork meal and serve the beer and wine at the party. But their beliefs, culture and traditions not come second to this other preference.
The idea that one person gets to control what others do because of that person's beliefs doesn't cut it for me. It elevates one set of beliefs above another, and no matter what the reason for either belief allowing one to supersede and control the other, even in someone's home is not cool with me. The abstainer can keep their own beliefs but that does not mean anyone else has to follow their preferences. In fact the I'd say the only time an abstainer has the right to dictate what other's eat or drink is in the abstainer's home.
This whole post is an amazingly hostile response. You do realize that the OP actually seems to *like* her mother, right? There's no apparent issue of her mother controlling her, her mother didn't even ever bring this up, the OP is trying to figure how to, essentially, be nice to her mother. Who she likes, and wants to make feel welcome.
Your attitude and approach are an excellent way to deal with demanding, SS, controlling people who want to steamroll you. But it comes off as a really snotty way to think about the people that you actually like and want to make feel welcome.
To be clear, it's the attitude I have a problem with, not the act of serving bacon. There's serving bacon thinking 'I've made sure Mom has plenty of yummy food to eat without pork, and I'm happy to do so, and this bacon is for me and Sis', and there's serving bacon thinking 'if Mom doesn't like this she can JUST GO SOMEWHERE ELSE MY HOUSE MY RULES!!!!!11'.
You know, I've tried several times to answer you. I've tried to take it out of anyone one belief system by using non specific terms for the any number of diets that could come under this. I've also said that this mother should not be forced to handle or cook anything she finds objectionable,,,,however saying that the residents of the house hold need to abstain because a guest does why? Especially since we all agree that the abstainer does not have to provide the things they abstain from when they have a guest of opposite view. Wouldn't the abstainer equally want their guests to feel welcome?
Hospitality and respect for other's views goes both ways. If those who abstain want people who visit to respect that they won't be having XYZPDQ at their house - they also need to respect the other end of the spectrum and realize that people eat differently than they do and that they might see or even sit at the say table as something they abstain from, and that does not make them not good followers of ABCPDQ - it means they are respecting someone else's veiws in their own home.
I said a couple of times that I would make sure that the guest would have enough of the things she can eat for her stay, I've even said I'd ask for lessons to make it easier the next time, I love learning new ways too cook, really. I just would not abstain for the duration of her visit, nor would I ask my family or the rest of my guests.
The mother in this post ( via the OP's update) sounds like a gracious lady, the OP sounds like a gracious lady but they were not the only ones involved in this equation. They never were. The OP has another child and a DH - all of whom should have a voice in this. It's not about making one, single person feel welcome, it's also about making everyone else feel welcome in their own home and that their feelings and beliefs carry at least an equal weight.
And yes, if a compromise can't be reached where in the occupants of the house are just as welcome as anyone else, then some other arrangement needs to be made, even if that is not hosting someone who would be offended at the normal goings on at one's home.
I don't know how to explain it so that you won't be offended, so I think we are going to have to agree to disagree here.
