When a former friend realizes they're "former"

[mbbored]

Last month, I posted about my then-friend Linda, who was annoying a mutual acquaintance before outing herself as a racist.

http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?topic=120835.0

Since that disastrous happy hour where she made fun of an ethnic group, I've ignored all her calls and texts. She's taken to dropping by my office every week, walking up behind me and taking my headphones out of my ears. When I turn around with a "Hey!" she smiles and asks if she can take me to lunch. I simply reply that I'm busy and please don't touch my headphones. I get an eye roll and she repeats it the next week.

Now she's heard through the grapevine that I'm throwing a cocktail party and has repeatedly texted or emailed asking where her invitation is. The most recent message says "I know you meant to invite me, so I'll be there! Should I bring red or white wine?"

Clearly I need to stiffen my spine and respond to her. Any suggestions for a polite yet strongly worded email?

[weeblewobble]

How about, "No, I didn't mean to include you."  It's to-the-point and simple.

[LifeOnPluto]

Wow! She sure is persistant.

Since she has been ignoring your very obvious hints, it's now time to spell it out for her. Not sure of the exact wording you should use, but I'd aim for emailing her along these lines:

"Linda,

Your actions at Happy Hour the other week made me realise that we have very different values. As such, I no longer feel comfortable continuing this friendship. Please do not turn up at my house on [day of cocktail party]. 

mbbored"

[Raintree]

Doesn't sound like she actually has realized she is "former."

You may have to spell it out, as the two PP's suggested, but be prepared for a defensive response and "everybody's mean to me."

This kind of happened in my social circle a few years back. Jill was annoying everyone, and one guy in particular, Fred, was getting tired of receiving the stream of negativity from her, especially via IM while he was at work. ("My life is horrible, so-and-so is causing me so much stress, the world is mean to me.."). So when Fred had a big BBQ, he decided not to invite her. Mutual friend Bill didn't realize she wasn't going (it was a big party, most people invited) and quite innocently asked her how she was getting to the party. That was when she found out there was a party she wasn't invited to. Fred later said to me, "I had thought about inviting her, but she's been so negative lately and I just didn't want that at my BBQ."

But once Jill found out, she actually emailed Fred the day before the party and asked him why he hadn't invited her. Now Fred doesn't take to drama gladly, and the "why wasn't I invited" email was enough for him to "defriend" her altogether (on FB, in real life, block IM's, etc).

Now she will whine to anyone who is willing to listen that Fred dropped her "for no apparent reason." (This is a pattern for her). When someone tried to explain it to her in plain terms, they were met with hostility. It's too bad some people want to stick their heads in the sand instead of learning from people who are willing to be straight with them. This is the same person who got annoyed with me for being busy, btw, if you saw that thread.

Poor Linda is probably one of those people who just won't get it, either.

[Roe]

I agree, she doesn't yet realize she's a "former" friend.  Or maybe, she's starting to realize it and fighting like heck not to be a 'former' friend.

I'd be upfront with her.  You don't have to defend yourself.  Just plainly tell her "sorry, but you weren't on the invite it."  If she still doesn't get it (and she probably won't), email her and just let her know that you no longer wish to be friends with her. 

Good luck!

[kherbert05]

She is being a bully. I suspect when people here and other places say they can't drop bigot from their circle of friends they are dealing with this type of behavior and feel being honest is rude. Because they can't be honest, they keep dealing with the Linda's of the world.




Spell it out coldly


Due to your behavior at X, I realized you are a bigot. I refuse to associate with bigots. Do not contact me again. (After this become a broken record I do not associate with bigots, do not contact me again.)


If she works for your company - start documenting and file a complaint about her behavior.




If she doesn't work at your company can you tell higher ups she is not a friend/guest and she needs to not be let into your area. (Working with headphones sounds like it isn't a public area.)


If she shows up at your house tell her to leave and shut the door. If she persists call the non emergency number and report her as a trespasser (at that point she is a trespasser.


Social Media - block her on Facebook. Set up a filter that keeps any e-mails out of your main feed but preserves them. Check for any threats, or stuff you can use for a harassment claim at work.

[Queen of Clubs]

Wow! She sure is persistant.

That is exactly what popped into my mind!

Since she has been ignoring your very obvious hints, it's now time to spell it out for her. Not sure of the exact wording you should use, but I'd aim for emailing her along these lines:

"Linda,

Your actions at Happy Hour the other week made me realise that we have very different values. As such, I no longer feel comfortable continuing this friendship. Please do not turn up at my house on [day of cocktail party]. 

mbbored"

I like this a lot, but I'd put "Please do not turn up at my house or workplace again."  I think if the OP specifically said 'on day of cocktail party' Linda could turn up before or after and complain the OP never said to not come then.

I'd also follow Kherbert's suggestion of seeing if she can be stopped from entering your workplace at all.

Good luck, Mbbored.  I hope Linda accepts your brush off without too much of a fuss.

[lowspark]

I don't know if I would give her any explanation of why the friendship has ended, simply because this invites argument on her part. She might try to defend herself or convince you you're wrong about her or convince you that her point of view is, indeed, the correct one. And you don't need to get into any further conversation about this with her.

I'd probably say something like this:
"I didn't want to put it this bluntly but you've put me in a position where I have no choice. I no longer wish to be friends with you. Please don't show up to the party as I will have to ask you to leave and it will be embarrassing for both of us."

[weeblewobble]

Wow! She sure is persistant.

Since she has been ignoring your very obvious hints, it's now time to spell it out for her. Not sure of the exact wording you should use, but I'd aim for emailing her along these lines:

"Linda,

Your actions at Happy Hour the other week made me realise that we have very different values. As such, I no longer feel comfortable continuing this friendship. Please do not turn up at my house on [day of cocktail party]. 

mbbored"

I like LifeonPluto's better.

[etiquetteE]

Wow! She sure is persistant.

Since she has been ignoring your very obvious hints, it's now time to spell it out for her. Not sure of the exact wording you should use, but I'd aim for emailing her along these lines:

"Linda,

Your actions at Happy Hour the other week made me realise that we have very different values. As such, I no longer feel comfortable continuing this friendship. Please do not turn up at my house on [day of cocktail party]. 

mbbored"

I like LifeonPluto's better.

Me too.  I might just add after "Please do not turn up at my house on [day of cocktail party].  Please do not drop by my house or workplace in the future for any reason." 

Calling her a bigot (although it may be true) could be a bit imflamatory and cause more drama than necessary.

[SleepyKitty]

I agree that this is a deliberate denial of the very clear cues you've been giving her, which means that I don't think any response you give her is going to be drama-free. Whether or not you give a reason, whether or not you are gentle or cold, this sounds like a woman that is going to make drama.

I think LifeOnPluto's wording is good, and it gives the news gently but firmly. It also seems to have less of a chance of making Linda angry.

On the other hand, I have no tolerance for bigotry and I feel like those who are bigots should know that it's not okay, that it will cost them friendships, and that it's not going to be tolerated.

To me, since I don't think there's any way that you're going to be able to break the news that won't stir up defensiveness, justifications, and argument, I think you ought to go for the second one.

[johelenc1]

I like Pluto's too.  I think you should tell her something.  Otherwise, when she complains, "she dropped me for no apparent reason", it will be true.  To HER, there is no apparent reason.

Giving her a reason might not stop her from complaining, but you won't need to say anything more about it.  You can reply to anyone who asks, "Friend knows why we are no longer friends", and it will be true.

[lilfox]

To me, it sounds like she knows she's on the outs (with OP at least) and is trying to buy or bluster her way back in through offers to take the OP to lunch and the whole "I know you meant to invite me" bit.  Yeah, I don't think that's what a confident friend would say.

I don't know what would be better - a face to face conversation might be harder on both of you, but a text/email might cause her to respond with more drama (the electronic medium seems to encourage it).  Personally I'd go with text but be prepared to delete any responses.  What you have to say is not a conversation, it's a concluding statement.

One more option for wording: "Ex-Friend, you're not invited.  What you said at Happy Hour was really offensive to me and I'd rather not be around you.  Please stop contacting me."

[GrammarNerd]

Just another option:

"No, actually, there is no invitation for you, and it is untrue that I meant to invite you.  Frankly, I was extremely turned off by your comments about XXX at the last happy hour.  I choose not to associate with people who have those views, and certainly not host them in my home or at my social gatherings.  Please do not come to the party; you are not invited.  And also please stop bothering me at my place of employment."

[postalslave]

Just another option:

"No, actually, there is no invitation for you, and it is untrue that I meant to invite you.  Frankly, I was extremely turned off by your comments about XXX at the last happy hour.  I choose not to associate with people who have those views, and certainly not host them in my home or at my social gatherings.  Please do not come to the party; you are not invited.  And also please stop bothering me at my place of employment."

I think this is the best response so far.