When a former friend realizes they're "former"

[Chickadee]

To me, it sounds like she knows she's on the outs (with OP at least) and is trying to buy or bluster her way back in through offers to take the OP to lunch and the whole "I know you meant to invite me" bit.  Yeah, I don't think that's what a confident friend would say.

I don't know what would be better - a face to face conversation might be harder on both of you, but a text/email might cause her to respond with more drama (the electronic medium seems to encourage it).  Personally I'd go with text but be prepared to delete any responses.  What you have to say is not a conversation, it's a concluding statement.

One more option for wording: "Ex-Friend, you're not invited.  What you said at Happy Hour was really offensive to me and I'd rather not be around you.  Please stop contacting me."

I like LifeOnPluto's wording too, but however you phrase it, please keep the above concept in mind. It is something I am going to remember when I need to shut down a potentially needless conversation.

[Winterlight]

To me, it sounds like she knows she's on the outs (with OP at least) and is trying to buy or bluster her way back in through offers to take the OP to lunch and the whole "I know you meant to invite me" bit.  Yeah, I don't think that's what a confident friend would say.

I don't know what would be better - a face to face conversation might be harder on both of you, but a text/email might cause her to respond with more drama (the electronic medium seems to encourage it).  Personally I'd go with text but be prepared to delete any responses.  What you have to say is not a conversation, it's a concluding statement.

One more option for wording: "Ex-Friend, you're not invited.  What you said at Happy Hour was really offensive to me and I'd rather not be around you.  Please stop contacting me."

I'd go with this.

[cicero]

Now she's heard through the grapevine that I'm throwing a cocktail party and has repeatedly texted or emailed asking where her invitation is. The most recent message says "I know you meant to invite me, so I'll be there! Should I bring red or white wine?"

Clearly I need to stiffen my spine and respond to her. Any suggestions for a polite yet strongly worded email?

are you the type of person who could turn her away at the door if when she shows up uninvited? because this bolded message from her is really really manipulative and.. just plain wrong. notice how she glosses over the real issue (her not being invited) and turns this into something else - "oh it's not that i'm not invited, of course I am. now that we've established that point, what shall i bring". if you feel you can handle this - i actually wouldn't respond. she is being a bully and trying to get you to respond on her terms...

[CharlieBraun]

I'm rather shocked that she physically lays hands on you by grabbing your headset.  I'd be down at HR with that one.

As for the event, you really can't slide over a direct confrontation any longer, and your reasons for why you didn't invite her will only make her determined to work around your objections.

Your only point here is to tell her she is unwelcome at your gathering.  Anything else that you say will have no meaning to her at all. 

Since she is using text messages and emails, as well as personal confrontation, you must use the same means.  You need to text message, email AND prepare a short letter to hand to her.  This is my suggestion:

1.  Send an email, cc-ing someone else to whom you are close and to whom she is known (and using return receipt.)  "SusieQ, you are specifically not invited to the gathering on XX evening.  You will be turned away if you attempt to attend."  Nothing more!  No closing "regards," or "sincerely," or even a signature.  She can see who it's from on the email.

2.  Write a short note, signed, and physically hand it to her.  Exact same language in the letter as the email  However, as you hand it to her, you must state something short but direct such as "Susie Q, this concerns the gathering.  I will not expect to see you there."

3.  After you have delivered the note, send a text.  "SusieQ, you have had a letter and an email from me regarding the gathering.  Please do not come to my home."

I'm sorry...you should know that I have cut someone from my husband's family out due to his incessant use of racist language and name-calling, and that at my office two weeks ago, we terminated a new associate for language which was bigoted and racist (no final warning, no probation - just done) based on statements that this person made to me.  I have zero tolerance.  I applaud you for taking a stand as well.

[FoxPaws]

This woman is so socially clueless that she doesn't realize she shouldn't make racist comments (or even that her comments are racist), so I wouldn't bet on her getting that you've ended your friendship unless you spell it out for her:

Linda,
Please don't show up at my cocktail party. There was no mistake. I very purposefully did not invite you.

After our last happy hour, I realized that our values were too different for our friendship to continue. I had hoped that by not responding to your texts and emails or accepting your invitations to lunch, it would die a natural death, but as that has not happened, I am forced to be blunt: I no longer consider you my friend. I don't want to socialize with you in any capacity or have any further contact with you. My decision is made and final. Thank you for respecting it.

[Roe]

Just curious...OP, how have you decided to handle the situation?

[elephantschild]

So am I. This punches a number of my buttons.

The whole of-course-I'm-invited comment ... just UGH.

[TootsNYC]

I wouldn't really want to get into the whole confrontation--I think I'd email back, "Sorry--I didn't invite you. This is a slightly different grouping of people."

I'm a fan of being Teflon in these situations.

And I would also be quietly saying to anyone who knows us both, "I'm distancing myself, I need a break, so please don't mention my parties or the times we're getting together."

[Texas Mom]

I wouldn't really want to get into the whole confrontation--I think I'd email back, "Sorry--I didn't invite you. This is a slightly different grouping of people."

I'm a fan of being Teflon in these situations.

And I would also be quietly saying to anyone who knows us both, "I'm distancing myself, I need a break, so please don't mention my parties or the times we're getting together."

^
This

I suggest not even bringing up the racist comments.    That will result in a confrontation & give her an opportunity to play victim, plus she'll say she was "just kidding."

[CharlieBraun]

I suggest not even bringing up the racist comments.    That will result in a confrontation & give her an opportunity to play victim, plus she'll say she was "just kidding."

t/j I absolutely can't bear when people use this tactic.  Transparent and insulting, all at the same time.

[mbbored]

Thanks for the advice, For those who asked, we're both grad students at the same university. She has free access to my building and since we're not employees, there's no HR I can take this too. Most resources for grad students experiencing conflicts are for problems with your adviser, other professors, labmates and significant others. I haven't come across anything for racists who are annoying as all get out.

Anyways, since I find racism to be extremely disturbing, I decided to take a stand on this one.

"Linda,
Actually, you are mistaken about the cocktail party. I was really disgusted by your comments at Happy Hour, and even if you meant them as a joke, I'd rather not spend my time with people who think racism is funny. Please stop contacting me and coming by my office.
mbbored"

[Minmom3]

OP, could you, IF you choose to engage at all, tell her something like "Linda, remember when you said 'whatever heinous thing she said'?  You know I don't feel that way/don't agree with you/feel differently, don't you?  I feel differently enough/hate what you said & feel enough that I don't WANT to be friends anymore.  I can't be around people who say things like that - so NO, you are NOT invited to the party and will NOT BE ALLOWED in the door...  Don't show up!"  If she's that happy in her bigotry, she may not (I can't recall how you reacted) realize how disgusted or offended you were when she spouted her stuff. 

For me personally, when I'm really and truly DONE with somebody to the point that I no longer care at all what they think, I have no hesitation about telling them why I'm done.  I think they deserve to know they offended me enough that we're no longer friends, and that NO amount of hinting or 3rd party kidding is going to change my opinion, or make it go away.

[YummyMummy66]

How did this person contact you and say that they would bring red or white wine?

If by text or email, response back in same, "Marie, I am sorry, but apparently you are under the wrong assumption.  I did not invite you to my cocktail party and I have no intention of doing so. "

If you want to drop her as a former friend, do so.

[ilrag]

"Linda,
Actually, you are mistaken about the cocktail party. I was really disgusted by your comments at Happy Hour, and even if you meant them as a joke, I'd rather not spend my time with people who think racism is funny. Please stop contacting me and coming by my office.
mbbored"

Good work. I'm interested in her response.

[jmarvellous]

"Linda,
Actually, you are mistaken about the cocktail party. I was really disgusted by your comments at Happy Hour, and even if you meant them as a joke, I'd rather not spend my time with people who think racism is funny. Please stop contacting me and coming by my office.
mbbored"

Good work. I'm interested in her response.

Agreed. Very well done. I tend not to reply to these posts because I'm not very good at being gentle to bigots or racists (often it's all I can muster to walk away silently or ignore), but I think you handled this with the right combination of directness and civil language.