Recently in "Since you asked..." by Cary Tennis

[JenJay]

I have never read anything by Cary Tennis, except for this, and now I know to not waste my time in the future.  What a load of crap.  This guy has his own column?

This was my reaction too.  I couldn't even finish reading his response.  A load of crap is an apt description!

POD.  My eyes started glazing over a few sentences in.

I kept skipping to the next paragraph, waiting for "Just kidding!". He sounds like one of those people who believes if you discipline a child you'll kill his spirit. I mean "beautiful chaos"? Really?? 

[TootsNYC]

As for the Letter Writer, he is paying to go along on these trips or whatever they are. It would probably upset the father, but I'd just flat out tell the dad, "Look, Jack, when Sam comes along, most of your attention is on him. When it's not, Sam is poking me, talking to me, running around yelling and otherwise distracting me from what you are teaching me. I'd love to continue the lessons, but only if Sam doesn't come along. I'm not getting my money's worth when he's here."

Note that this doesn't say that Sam is a horrible little boy. It points out the behaviors that Sam has that make it impossible for the paying customer to enjoy the trip.

Because I have a feeling that until the dad feels the consequences (all his customers desert him) of his child's behavior, nothing will ever change.

And I think that direct criticism to the child is appropriate as well. "Sam, that's really aggressive. Don't touch me."

And saying, "Is Sam coming? Oh, then I won't be going today--I don't find it enjoyable when he's along because he pokes me and badgers me. It's very frustrating, so I won't be coming."

[cicero]

I have never read anything by Cary Tennis, except for this, and now I know to not waste my time in the future.  What a load of crap.  This guy has his own column?

This was my reaction too.  I couldn't even finish reading his response.  A load of crap is an apt description!

POD.  My eyes started glazing over a few sentences in.

Yes, after a bit I just started skimming the piece.

mine too

i can say that there is some merit in not LABELING a child. i wouldn't say *to the child* that they are being a brat. I *would* say "your [child's] behavior is unacceptable and I am leaving".

[Winterlight]

Cary used to give some useful advice. These days it's utter claptrap. The kid needs obedience school- and so do the parents.

[djinnidjream]

You should read the comments.  I don't think there is one person who agrees with him. 

I hope this guy isn't a parent.

[aiki]

In my observations of the wild (OK, it's mostly mum-cats with kittens) when a smaller animal antagonises a larger animal for long enough, eventually the larger animal wallops the smaller one head over heels. I don't condone doing that for a second as I think there are far better ways of turning children into people we'd like to be around, but I can't help but think it would be more effective than whatever it is that Mr Tennis is suggesting.

[Miss Unleaded]

In my observations of the wild (OK, it's mostly mum-cats with kittens) when a smaller animal antagonises a larger animal for long enough, eventually the larger animal wallops the smaller one head over heels. I don't condone doing that for a second as I think there are far better ways of turning children into people we'd like to be around, but I can't help but think it would be more effective than whatever it is that Mr Tennis is suggesting.

I often see this with our three cats, too.  The biggest one is slow and patient for the most part, but when either of the two littler ones get really annoying, it's 'wrooaawrrr!!!'  *WHOMP*

This is also the first time I've ever read this column.  Can anyone decypher for me what the columnist is actually advising the letter writer to do to resolve the situation?  I really couldn't work it out.

[cicero]

This is also the first time I've ever read this column.  Can anyone decypher for me what the columnist is actually advising the letter writer to do to resolve the situation?  I really couldn't work it out.

oh that!

the Letter Writer should accept the child's behavior, should embrace it, should show compassion for this "true spirit" - the behavior is, after all, a reflection of this child's creativity and by stifling his creativity and expression through society's rigid rules, we are planting ticking time bombs inside these children who then go into schools and blow them up.

i think that's what he said...

[LeveeWoman]

In my observations of the wild (OK, it's mostly mum-cats with kittens) when a smaller animal antagonises a larger animal for long enough, eventually the larger animal wallops the smaller one head over heels. I don't condone doing that for a second as I think there are far better ways of turning children into people we'd like to be around, but I can't help but think it would be more effective than whatever it is that Mr Tennis is suggesting.

I often see this with our three cats, too.  The biggest one is slow and patient for the most part, but when either of the two littler ones get really annoying, it's 'wrooaawrrr!!!'  *WHOMP*

This is also the first time I've ever read this column.  Can anyone decypher for me what the columnist is actually advising the letter writer to do to resolve the situation?  I really couldn't work it out.

Cary Tennis is a waste of digital space.

[Flora Louise]

The worst part of this whole thing is the parent's response to the friend-- "You're learning."

[BB-VA]

We had friends who had a difficult child, and who really knew how to pull their chains.  He once hit his mother so hard he broke her glasses.    They would visit us occasionally, and the kid would invariably take a swing at me.  I would always stop the punch before it connected, and he would settle down and talk to me and basically be very well behaved.  UNTIL his parents noticed him again.  Then the misbehavior would start all over again.  With me, he would be a sweet little boy, but for Mom and Dad, no way.   I think it was due to inconsistent behaviors of the parents - Dad would try to be fairly strict, Mom was a pushover - and each overcompensated for the attitude of the other.   

We moved and have since lost touch with the family - I would like to know how the little guy turned out.

[Only me]

Hi

I read the letter and the response from Carey Tennis. This is what it translates too:
 LW: Help I'm drowning. I can't get away from your kid and he's holding me down. Get him off.
 Father: Oh well you really should have brought a life jacket....

Letter writer is asking for real help and is just ignored. Not cool.

[Twik]

I'm another person who was expecting a "gotcha" in the first paragraph or so. Does this person REALLY think that the solution to an abusive child is to continually be more tolerant, more "understanding", as the abuse continues?

Methinks the writer is far too taken with his own image of himself as a wounded bird, who would right now be soaring the heavens if only the mean adults hadn't tied him down with stupid ideas like learning discipline, and taking responsibility for one's actions. The ironic thing is he'd probably have blown a fuse within fifteen minutes of dealing wit the actual child, who wouldn't have given two shakes for the writer's sensitive nature and desire for chaotic freedom, but would have set to work making him behave according to the child's expectations.

[Sharnita]

Hi

I read the letter and the response from Carey Tennis. This is what it translates too:
 LW: Help I'm drowning. I can't get away from your kid and he's holding me down. Get him off.
 Father: Oh well you really should have brought a life jacket....

Letter writer is asking for real help and is just ignored. Not cool.

I think the father is actually saying "He is helping you learn to grow gills"

[Miss Unleaded]

This is also the first time I've ever read this column.  Can anyone decypher for me what the columnist is actually advising the letter writer to do to resolve the situation?  I really couldn't work it out.

oh that!

the Letter Writer should accept the child's behavior, should embrace it, should show compassion for this "true spirit" - the behavior is, after all, a reflection of this child's creativity and by stifling his creativity and expression through society's rigid rules, we are planting ticking time bombs inside these children who then go into schools and blow them up.

i think that's what he said...

Huh.  That's such a bizarre non-answer to the LW's question that it didn't even occur to me that that's what he was advising.  But yes, I think you are correct.